


Freedom Isn't Free.

by Vykyll



Series: The Price We Paid. [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bloody Horror, Body Horror, Character Death, Consensual Sex, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Explicit Language, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Healing over Time, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mages vs. Templars, Multi, My First AO3 Post, None Traditional Mage, Not Beta Read, Other, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Hatred, Templars Being Arseholes, Touch-Starved, hidden identity, terminal illness, underage mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-16 05:55:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 23
Words: 92,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11822616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vykyll/pseuds/Vykyll
Summary: Freedom would always come at a cost, no matter which way you look at it, everything has a price.******"I don't know. If I stare at them long enough they might.""And what answers do you seek then, Joe?" Fenris asks her, looking over her face."When does the pain stop hurting?"******An AU where a survivor from Ostagar escapes the nightmare's behind her, stumbles into a family from Lothering, and a flame haired woman she knows from Cailan's army. All of them coming together at cost's to their freedom and escape, because freedom will always come with a price, for all of them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to clicking the button to read my story. Leave a comment/Kudos/Whatever you want. I do write about OC's alot in the dragon age world, or a change up from the norm. But none the less, there maybe some spelling error's or grammatical WTF's, I have no beta, I do this on my own, and I'm Dyslexic as well. *Shrug's* I am what the world made me!
> 
> My first real Fanfic here, so yeah... theres that.
> 
> Tags are there for a reason, but I will mark certain ones that may be triggering for some.  
> 

The smell of wood burning in the bonfire's permeated her nose when she walks past them. The squelch of mud under her boot's from the cold rainfall this morning forced her to walk a little slower then she wanted. She had a destination in mind, if the boy was even in his tent this time. Alistair was never where he should be, always off daydreaming on the edge of the Grey Warden camp or in the tree-line practicing with his pike against one of the tree's, the occasional clack clack rang out in the camp. Which was no different then anyone else training, but that clacking grated her nerve's sometimes, was all he did while Warden Duncan was away, leaving the boy behind with his fellow Warden's.  
  
Wood smoke wafted past her and she smiled at it when she stood before the small campfire. The smell of stew bubbling away in the black cooking pot, the smell of warming bread on the stone's around the fire, and her stomach gurgled at the smells. She rolled her eyes and patted her stomach as she bent down removing the bread from the stone's. She tutted and shook her head, Alistair knew better then this, but the boy was not in the best of mood's, judging by the loud clacking of his pike against a poor defenceless tree.  
  
Boy, she scoffed, he was almost 20, hardly a boy, but yet he was acting like the fool boy he was. She shook her head again and headed towards the tree being felled by his pike. Alistair's face, she noted the closer she got, was covered in mud, his brow furrowed, his eyes determined to fell the tree with each hard strike of the pike. He was stripped to the waist as usual, his clothing neatly piled upon a rock, his boot's sitting to one side with his sword and shield. She sighed internally looking at the partially scratched off Sword of Mercy on his shield, she hated looking at it, and he hated what it meant to him. He was, after all, forced to train as a Templar.  
  
She lent against a tree and watched him twirl his pike around his body before hitting the tree with the blade, his teeth where grit hard, his breathing was harsh as he stabbed it over and over again. Alistair let's the pike go, dropping it to the ground, his fist's clenched as he tried to ease his breathing down.  
  
"Bravo, Ali, you have managed to best a poor tree!"  
  
Alistair scoffed shaking his head at her, and slowly turned around. She was the only one he allowed to see him bare chested, not like it mattered anyway.  
  
"So, he finally let's you go for the night."  
  
"No, Eliam's asleep. I just tip-toed around him. Maker, I wanted to knock him in the head to make sure he was out."  
  
"JOE! Really? Makers breath," Alistair chuckles, wiping his face with his shirt, then screw's up his nose realising he had to put it back on. He sighs and leans against the rock and looks her over, "I'm not happy."  
  
Joe rolls her eyes at him, leaning on the tree more, watching his gaze slip to the rain soaked ground. White puff's of breath come from both their mouth's, the cold wind picking up making them both shiver as she pushes away from the tree to sit next to him, "He'll be back, Ali. Just a few more day's, alright." Joe pat's the rock near his shoulder before resting her head upon her knee's, looking down at the same patch of ground he was as Alistair lent back.  
  
"Yeah I know that," he mumbles out, "I'm not happy with Cailan acting like a stubborn bloody child!"  
  
"He is your half brother, Ali, whether he deigns to acknowledge it or not. Your the baby brot-"  
  
"Oh just stop it!" Alistair pushes away from the rock and grabs his pike from the ground, the thing was shaking in his hand as he gripped it tight, more puff's of white erupt from his mouth as he seethes, "Do you know what he said earlier, what that bloody idiot said? He wants this to be a glorious battle for the age's. Maker, he thinks us Warden's are going to be charging in there on our gryphon's, like HELLO," Alistair waves his free hand about in the air before dropping it to his side sighing loudly, "Their extinct!"  
  
Joe chuckles resting her head on her knee's when she draws them up, "He's a dreamer, Ali, much like you. But still," she looks over the huge camp that held 5000 men, woman and dog's then looks back at Alistair, "He's not really taking this seriously. I tried to talk to him yesterday, but Loghain just shooed me away as usual."  
  
"Typical," Alistair scoffs leaning his pike against the battered tree, then turns to look at her and narrows his eyes before pointing at her, "Maker Joe, you know your not allowed to see him! You not allowed to see me either!"  
  
"Like that ever stopped me. But here I am, deifying order's, skirting around my leash holder to see you," she grins out at him, making Alistair screw his face up laughing at her.  
  
"You should be a rogue. Oh wait never mind, you got half that covered," he says pointing to her bow on her back, the picks on her hip, the dagger's stashed in her boot then grins at her showing his perfectly white teeth.  
  
"Ugh, state the obvious why don't you. Least your not pointing out, 'Your a mage! HEATHEN,'" she cackles wriggling her finger's at him, "Might turn you into a toad, mawhahaha."  
  
"The day you could turn me into a toad, is the day I eat my shield."  
  
"Bah, spoil my fun. I can dream can't I? But," she grins at him stepping forward slightly, "I can freeze your arse off," she grins even more as his eyes go wide backing away.  
  
"Joe, no! Bad Joe, bad bad bad," he squeal's running away from her, then squeal's even more when a shock of cold hit's his backside, "MAKER DAMN IT!"  
  
"Big baby, wasn't even that cold," she laughs out at Alistair runs around patting his backside as if it was on fire instead of being cold. Joe picks up his pike, then his sword and shield and headed out the tree-line, leaving him behind to gather the rest of his thing's as he still pat's his backside.  
  
The smell of stew hit's her nose again as she puts his weapon's down next to his tent, the smell of lamb and pea's making her stomach growl once more when she stirs the pot. At least it wasn't grey like the last time he tried to cook, still looked recognisable as meat and vegetable's, not mush. Alistair slumped down next to her and grinned as she served up two bowl's of stew, shoving the small loaf of bread in his mouth when he went to take a spoonful of it, earning her a playful glare.  
  
Both of them sit there in companionable silence as they ate the stew and warm bread, Alistair having two more bowl fulls before patting his stomach and leaning back to look up a the night sky. She listens to him sighing softly as she finishes her first bowl, mopping up the juice with her bread, then squints her eyes at a figure coming towards them. Joe drop's her bowl and rolls her eyes as Eliam storm's over, his face like thunder looking at her, his hand twitching against the sword on his hip, his armour clanking loudly.  
  
"Uh oh," Alistair mumbles out sitting upright watching the Templar glare at Joe, the man's face etched in anger as he point's his finger at her.  
  
"You where TOLD not too, but here you are, Mage," he spat out at her.  
  
"I can go where I damn well please, Templar."  
  
"No, you can't. Get up," he growls at her grabbing her arm, yanking her to stand, earning a growl from Alistair.  
  
"Leave her alone, Eliam."  
  
"Stay out of this, Warden. If I catch you two together again, Maker help both of you, because Loghain will hear of it. Understood," Eliam ground out pulling Joe closer to him, the sound of shackle's clanking against his thigh when he pulls on her arm again urging her to follow him.  
  
Alistair slumps back down, putting his head in his hand's watching her being forced away from him. He was destined to be alone in his life with a brother who didn't care about him, a father who never acknowledge his existence, an uncle who locked him away in the barn because his Orleasian wife didn't like him, then sent him away when she grew tired of having him around. Alistair sighed as he looked up at the star's, hoping one day, she would be free from them all to live her own life as she wanted, to be never shackled to her secret any more.  
  
*****  
  
"Maker take you Eliam," she hissed at the Templar when he pushed her through the tent flap with more force then he needed, "You don't bloody own me!"  
  
"Shut your fucking mouth, Mage!" he snarls back handing her with his gauntlet, sending her to the floor of the tent, landing on her own bedroll, "I own you as long as I live, Mage. Which means, you will do as I say."  
  
Joe wrinkle's her nose at him, clutching the side of her face, her breathing hard and ragged as he step's into the tent, pulling the flap's down and tying them off so no prying eyes would see what he was doing. Eliam turned to face her and sneered his lip at her, grabbing her hair pulling her upright to his face, "Undress me, bitch."  
  
Joe spat in his face trying to pull free from his grasp, but ended up on her backside again as he backhanded her once more, her hand's flying up to her face as he drew back his hand again to strike her. She heard him laugh at her, but she never looked up at him, she didn't want to see his face etched in victory that he held a sword over her head, the power to kill her with every wrong step she took, which wasn't many to be honest. She only every snuck out here to see Alistair and Aveline when she could find the woman, but Eliam was usually with her when she went to see the flame haired warrior.  
  
Joe flinched when she heard Eliam drop his gauntlet's onto his bedroll, then the rest of his armour, the soft thud of cloth next and she cringed even more, her eyes still clamped shut as he knelt down in-front of her, his hand's mere inches away from her face. He knows she doesn't like to be touched, but that's never stopped him before as he grabs her collar bringing her face to his, his breath smelt stale, the sweet tang of lyrium behind it as he breathed in her face.  
  
"Get undressed, mage," he spat pushing her away from him like she was filth, his nose wrinkling up in disgust at her everytime he looked at her, always watching, always- "and sleep."  
  
Joe sucked in a breath as he took her dagger's away from her boot's, pulling her bow from her back more roughly then needs to be. She sucks in another breath as she starts to undo her black leather armour, laying each piece down gently, running her finger over the Theirin crest on her greaves and vambrace's, the only place's they allowed her to have them. She may of been part of Cailan's army, she may of had a little more free reign, but freedom wasn't free, it was never meant for her as she lays her cuirass down on-top of her leather boot's.  
  
Joe laid down on her bedroll, pulling her blanket up over her near naked body, feeling Eliam shift next to her pulling her blanket away. He threw it at the back of the tent and muttered under his breath something that Joe didn't hear as he turned onto his side away from her. She clamped her eyes shut and shivered when she tucked herself into a ball to keep warm, if she got up now, he would strike her once more, and it wouldn't be her face this time. She ran her shivering finger's down her arm's at the scar's across them, hidden under her shirt, away from prying eyes so nobody could see that a mage was treated like shit. Joe sucked in a deep breath thinking about the one's on her back that weren't all from him when he got angry with her. His privilege, he said when he caned her hard, for being her keeper. The rest where from the people, who as soon as she turned out to be a mage, took it out on her when she was a child.  
  
Joe curled up tighter into a ball as much as her robust frame could, and shivered more trying to sleep. She felt filthy, but not just from the mud from the rain soaked ground, she felt filthy being what she was, being discarded like rubbish until they deemed it worthy to train her under guard for the army. Cailan and Maric's idea that one, much to Loghain's chagrin when he found out, much to everyone's chagrin really.  
  
Eliam has been her jailer for the past 18 year's, assigned to her when he was 25, much to his displeasure, which he took out on her quite often. He wanted to remain in Kinloch where he could beat them all into submission without anyone but other Templars watching. Joe shuddered at the thought of all her brethren stuck behind those circular wall's being raped and beaten because the chantry could get away with it, much like he could behind closed door's back home.  
  
Joe clamped her eyes shut more, shaking away the thought's that ran around her mind, willing herself to sleep, half naked in the cold, laying next to a Templar who would kill her in a heartbeat.


	2. Chapter 2

The pull of the bow against her arm grounded her as she let's loose another spirit arrow into the target, the tug of the string in her three fingered gloved hand tight at she pulls it back again. Her eye's narrowed slightly as she lock's onto the bull's eye, then grit's her teeth as she let's another one fly into it. She pulls the string back again, aiming at the target once more, and breathes in slowly through her nose as she let's the string go, watching the spirit arrow hit home again.  
  
Joe nod's once dropping her aiming arm down and walks over to the practice target, and smiled slightly looking at all the hole's in the centre. She was, as far as she knew, the only mage who carried a bow on her back, using her magic as arrow's rather then waving her hand's about muttering incoherent spells, letting a staff do all the work. She has heard of mages who wore full plate armour, wielding a sword and shield, but they where just tale's from long ago. She wondered what it would be like to wear full plate, then shook her head at the notion, she didn't want to end up looking like a Templar in it.  
  
Joe's stomach rolled when she felt Eliam walking over to her, the fresh pull of lyrium in his body making her feel queasy at it. He was always more aggressive when he took his fresh batch, and today was going to be no exception as he snatched her bow out of her hand's to put it on her back. He confiscated her dagger's two night's previous in-case she got any more idea's about sneaking away at night to see Alistair. And now, he was roughly pulling her about as he tied her bow to her back, ignoring the fact everyone could see him do so. He never cared when he had his fresh amount of lyrium, just the fact he had to deal with the filth in-front of him after he did so.  
  
She may of been coming up to 24, but that didn't stop him half the time treating her like a child when he first met her at 6. But also didn't stop him whispering in her ear's if she got out of line too many time's, that he would shackle her down and do what he hasn't done in a while with her, to put her in her place, shoving his-   
  
Joe shuddered slightly when he grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the archery range, ignoring the tutting and scoffing from the other archer's. None of them would step in to help her when he got like this, none of them would. Who would defy the mighty order when there's a dangerous mage around? Nobody.  
  
Eliam shoved her forward, pushing his finger into her back hard making her walk over to the mage compound, the other Templars there hiding behind their helm's, watching them both as they walked over to the Senior Enchanter there. Joe wrinkled her nose slightly as the other mages glared at her as she was pushed into a seat. They where jealous of her, she had no idea why, she had just about as much freedom as they had. Which was none.  
  
She lowered her head so she wouldn't look at them all, not like they ever deigned to ever speak to her anyway, they where never allowed to either by choice or from the warning's of the other Templars around. Joe heaved in a soft sigh, not even listening as Eliam laughed and joked with his brethren, while her own just looked away from her. She's never felt more alone being here then she ever has, even with seeing Alistair. She wondered what he was doing as a tap on her shoulder made her jump out of the chair.  
  
"Oh dear, I didn't mean to frighten you," the soft voice said looking at her. Her pure white hair and kind eye's made Joe relax a little as she puts her hand over her chest and bows at the Senior mage in-front of her.  
  
"It's quiet alright, Senior Enchanter. I wasn't expecting it."  
  
The older woman chuckles and waves her hand for Joe to sit back down again while pulling up another chair to sit next to her, "Please, dear, call me Wynne. Your not from any circle here are you dear? Where are you from?" Wynne looks over her armour then into Joe's eyes. Joe swallows slightly looking down at her hand's, running her finger's over her partially gloved hand and let's out a low sigh at the woman.  
  
"No, I am not. I'm not from any circle at all."  
  
Wynne frowns at her as she leans forward, and tuts at the bruises on Joe's face lifting her hand up to heal. Joe flinches back away from the woman, earning another frown from Wynne as she lowers her hand, "I'm not going to hurt you, dear," she murmur's quietly.  
  
"I, I just don't like to be touched," Joe says out quietly looking away from the woman, knowing there would be sympathy behind those eyes of hers.  
  
"Obviously doesn't stop your Templar from doing so, does it."  
  
Joe looks back at the older woman shocked and shakes her head vigorously at her, "No, no it's not like that. Not like that," she says out quickly, backing away more from the woman.  
  
Wynne narrows her eyes slightly at Joe, then nod's once sitting back in her seat allowing her to calm down. Wynne puts her hand's in her lap as a sign of submission to the other mage, in hope's the younger woman would talk to her. She looked over the woman's armour, an archer's armour, tilts her head slightly looking at the crest on her vambrace. Wynne cluck's her tongue softly and asks her, "Your part of King Cailan's retinue, are you not? I didn't realise he had, mages among his soldier's."  
  
"Ahh, I'm the only one as far as I know," Joe says back still not looking at her, "Tis why I'm not part of any circle, Wynne."  
  
"Explains a lot. So a court enchanter then?"  
  
"No."  
  
Wynne frowns even more looking at the younger woman, her shoulder's where tensing up, her hand's where balled into a fist in her lap. Wynne clears her throat as she looks up at the woman's personal Templar.  
  
"His name's Eliam and I'm, I'm Joe," the woman says looking at Wynne now, "And yes, he is my personal jailer."  
  
"A pleasure to meet you Joe," Wynne smile's softly at her, noting the woman visibly relaxing again in her chair, "Though I am curious as to how you can be an apostate in the King's army, Joe, with a private Templar."  
  
"Ahh, um," Joe looks up at Eliam, the Templar looking back at her then at Wynne, "I'm not. It's complicated, Wynne. Let's just leave it at that."  
  
Eliam stride's over and stands in-front of them both, his arm's crossed over his chest, a sneer on his lip's as he bends down to the older woman, "I suggest you ask no more question's Senior Enchanter," he spat out at her, "It's none of your Maker given business!"  
  
Wynne was about to protest his attitude when he grabs Joe's arm and hauls her off the chair out of the compound. She watched the Templar lean down into Joe's ear, making the younger woman flinch before he tugs her arm again, leading her deeper into the encampment. Wynne pinches the bridge of her nose as she goes back to her tent, wishing she could step in to help the woman.  
  
*****  
  
Aveline block's the incoming attack with her shield, pushing her attacker away before striking him with her sword. Sweat bead's down her brow, running down to her chin and drop's off into the rain soaked earth below her feet. She pushes on her shield again, knocking the other soldier to his backside and grins as he glares back at her. The young man laying in the wet mud huff's as he stands, trying to brush of the sticky mud before giving up, wiping his now dirty hand's on his shirt.  
  
She bows to the young man as he walks away muttering under his breath, not even giving her the courtesy of a bow either, and she rolls her eye at the upstart as he throws his two handed weapon onto the training rack, missing it entirely and falling to the floor. The boy glares at it as if it would just jump up and put it's self away, then fling's his arm's up in the air storming away from it.  
  
Aveline rolls her eyes once more as she grabs the cleaning cloth for the practice weapon's. She sits down to wipe the wet mud from them when a pair of familial foot fall's make her smile as Eliam and Joe come up to the training yard fence. Eliam smile's back at her and dips his head, then leans on the fence as she walks over to them. Joe smirk's wide at the woman then wrinkle's her nose up at the mud splattered on her uniform, "Makers breath, Aveline," she sighs out, grabbing another cleaning cloth from the fence and begins to wipe the mud away.  
  
"Really Joe?" she laughs out as the woman stick's her tongue in the side of her mouth in concentration as she tries to wipe the mud away. Aveline snatches the cloth away from her and snicker's at Joe's shocked face, "It's fine. I'll clean and oil it all later. Unless you want to, that is?"  
  
Joe gives her a pointed look before laughing shaking her head, "Thanks for the offer Aveline, but I must decline. Hugely decline like the slope of a mountain."  
  
Eliam groan's and puts his head on his arm on the fence, banging it against his gauntlet, "Idiot," he mutters out at her, earning a slap from Aveline.  
  
For the past few month's they've been here, all three of them shared lunch and evening meal's together. Joe came to respect the other woman's tenacity not to back down from anything, no matter if she was out matched. Aveline earned the respect of the male soldier's around her when they think she is just as weak willed as any other woman out there. So when she bests them at their own game, she earns their begrudging respect, whether they like it or not. Everyone knows not to mess with the fiery haired woman, but never stopped them sending new recruit's over to her, who need to be taken down a peg or ten.  
  
"So, who was that one, Aveline?" Joe asks the woman.  
  
"Hmmph. Some sourly pup who needs his teeth clipped, that's for sure," she grouses putting the cleaning cloth down, "So, what's been happening with you two? Didn't see you yesterday, got a bit worried."  
  
"She went wondering off again," Eliam ground out pointing his finger at Joe, "a few night's back. Plus had duty yesterday at the mage compound. New robe's came in and they needed a hand."  
  
Joe wanted to flinch away from him. He shackled her in their tent the entire day, leaving her nearly naked with her arm's straining above her head. No food, no water, no way to relieve one's self the entire day. But of course he wouldn't tell Aveline that, he was a model Templar he was, he never hurt another mage in his life. He threaten to do it again later when they got back, all because she spoke with Wynne.  
  
"Ahh. Well anyway, lunch? I'm starved."  
  
Aveline had no idea what went on behind that tent flap, she didn't even mention the bruises on Joe's face. But Joe knew she knew something was going on, but never did anything about it. No-one ever did. Just a filthy mage with a curse. A waste of space that should of been drowned at birth like the rest of them. A stain on the Makers will. A bad dog.  
  
Eliam nodded pushing away from the fence, tapping Joe's arm for her to follow. Joe sucked in a quick deep breath and followed them both to their usual eating spot, food already laid out on the tree stump. Joe sits down next to Aveline, Eliam sitting opposite both of them, taking his gauntlet's off laying them next to him. Joe reaches over to take a slice of bread and small hunk of cheese while the other two talked. She didn't need to hear what they spoke about as she nibbled on the cheese, trying not to shove the whole lot into her mouth at once, they always spoke of the same thing's anyway.  
  
Joe would put her two copper's worth in when needed, but right now, she was hungry. She nibbled more on her cheese looking about herself, the leaves on the tree's starting to fall away as winter was going to be setting in soon. The wet mud would turn to slush then to hardened ground when the frost hit's it, then covered in white when the snow fall's. Joe wondered if they would be fighting still when the snow would finally come, turning the white virgin snow to pink and black with blood. She shivered at the idea as she crammed the slice of bread in her mouth, it's not like she hasn't seen battle before, but this was different, this was Darkspawn they would be facing not other usurper's trying to claim land that's not their own.  
  
Joe flinched when Aveline tapped the tree stump in-front of her to get her attention, and Joe looked at her quickly grabbing a green apple taking a bite.  
  
"How'd you get them, Joette," Aveline asked quietly when Eliam had stepped away to relieve himself.  
  
"I, fell over during archery," Joe lied taking another bite of her apple.  
  
Aveline heaved a sigh and looked over to where Eliam was behind a tree, tapping the wood again, her gauntlet making a hollow thud against the wood. She looked back at Joe and sighed again, taking Joe's gloved hand gently, "You need to say something, this can't go on, Joette. Has he been, doing anything else?"  
  
Joe flinched and nearly jumped out of her seat, but Aveline took her hand away putting it up in a peaceful gesture to the woman.  
  
"Why do you care," Joe hisses at her, dropping the apple onto the ground, "Not like your going to do anything about it!"  
  
"He's abusing his power, Joette. Your my friend. Even Wesley said-"  
  
"Fuck what he said!" Joe shout's pushing out of her seat, knocking her mug of water over.  
  
Eliam comes bounding out of the wood's with his lip sneered up his face, glaring at Joe. He grabs his gauntlet's as he grabs Joe's arm, pulling her away from Aveline, the woman rising from her seat to stare him down, "Let her go, Eliam."  
  
Eliam wrinkle's his nose up the more he sneer's, pulling Joe along behind him, ignoring Aveline completely as they storm through the encampment to their shared tent. Joe clamp's her eyes shut as he shoves her inside, pushing her to the floor. He tower's over her, his chest heaving with resentment as he drop's his gauntlet's to the ground. He lift's his right hand and pushes it outward, sending a smite at Joe and then a silence. He leans down to her as she's rolling on the floor in pain and grabs her collar pulling her to his face, the tang of lyrium against his breath making Joe want to vomit more.  
  
"You where out of line, Mage," he spat pulling her face closer to his, "I think you get to spend the rest of the day in here, don't you... dog."  
  
Joe wanted to cry if she wasn't crying already. Her stomach rolled as he roughly took both her hand's shackling them both on the tent beam above their head's. She just wanted this to end as he pulls her head back sharply by her hair, his mouth close to her ear as he whispers, "I'll deal with you tomorrow."  
  
He leaves her there hanging by her arm's, closing the tent flap, so no-one could see. She didn't want to know what he meant by that as he left her there drifting in and out of consciousness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Rape/Non-Con, The start of PTSD AKA Shell Shock AKA The Thousand yard stare.

Tomorrow never came, neither did the next day, or two day's after that. He hadn't kept his promise on what he wanted to deal with her with, which made Joe even more nervous as he pushed her though the encampment to the make-shift bathing room. He stood by the divide as she washed herself down, his eyes boring hole's into her skin, watching, always watching, waiting-  
  
Joe sucked in a shuddering breath when she slipped her leggings on, wishing she could see Alistair again, it's been over a week now since they last saw each other. She was wondering if the Warden Commander came back, if he had the new recruit's in tow, but she guessed she would never know as she slipped on her shirt over her head. She might not ever see him again when this was finally over, wouldn't be the first time though, being ripped away from everything, to be hidden away like a dirty little secret that she is.  
  
She sighed out through her nose when she did up her cuirass, pulling the strap's more tight then they needed to be. Eliam huffed out an annoyance behind her, shoving her vambrace's against her chest along with her boot's, urging her to hurry up. Joe looked at the ground as she did up the buckle's and strap's, then bending down to slip her boot's on, doing the lace's and tightening the strap's. Her dagger's where still gone, he never gave them back, probably thought she would end up stabbing him in the middle of the night, not like she hasn't thought about doing it, or slitting her wrist's calling upon demon's to do her bidding while they rampaged around Ostagar.  
  
She would never call upon a demon, to bind it to her or the other way around. But he never saw that, all he saw was a potential to become more dangerous then she was. Filth, he spat at her this morning hauling her out of bed, weak minded filthy dog.  
  
Joe stepped out from around the divide and looked at the Templar pacing slightly. He never wore the over-skirt's like the rest of his order, nor the cummerbund around his waist, just a full plate of silverite armour, emblazoned with both the Sword of Mercy and the Theirin crest, denoting he belonged to the King's court. He looked over at her and rolled his eyes motioning with his head for her to follow. She hated him, she hated him the moment they met when she was a child, his sneering lip looking down at her, his dark brown eye's that looked like Mabari shit judging her. His dark brown hair looking even more like dog shit, no matter how short he kept it.  
  
They may of been the same height, but that never stopped his bulk from overpowering hers when he wanted it, how it doesn't stop him from throwing the occasional smite or silence at her when he was angry.  
  
But yet, of course, he was a model Templar to everyone else, he never did anything in their eyes, keeping a mage in line in-case she summons something, or looks at someone funny. Perish the thought she should talk to someone like a human being, because that's what she wasn't, a human being, she was filth under his boot's, a dirty robe who needs to be watched.  
  
Joe could feel a sinking dread go through her when he pushes her into the tree-line, away from everyone. Pushing her further into the wood's away from prying eyes so nobody could see what he was going to do. The sinking feeling went straight to her boot's when he pulled her arm back to stop her, then sent her falling to the floor as he hit her with a smite, making her groan in pain. The sinking feeling got worse when he pulled her bow of her back, dropping it to the floor along with his sword and shield.  
  
The sinking feeling bottomed out more when he hauled her up pushing her face first into the tree, pushing it hard against it so the bark scraped and bit into her face, as he pushes his body hard against hers. She wanted to be sick when he roughly pushed her leg's apart with his armour covered leg's, his hand going to the laces on the front of her leggings pulling them loose. She tried to scream when he puts his hand down there, his bare hand brushing her roughly, his lip's against her ear calling her a filthy robed whore when he stick's his finger's in her.  
  
He pushes her harder against the tree, her face started to feel wet, from either tear's or blood, she couldn't tell when he rips his hand free from her leggings, pulling them down to her thigh's, his other hand pushing her face more into the bark. She tried to struggle to break free when he shoves his finger's up her arse, but he spits in her face, pulling her head back with her hair, before slamming it against the tree, dazing her. Her body slumps a little on him making him growl in her neck, she wanted to be sick, she wanted to scream as he worked his finger's in her, but nothing came out but whimpering pleas for him to stop.  
  
Eliam didn't, he pushed her harder against the tree, his finger's still in her widening her arsehole for him. She wanted to run, to scream for someone to help her, anyone, but now, now she knew there was nothing she could do as he pulled her away from the tree by her hair and throwing her to the floor, sending yet another smite into her when she went on all four's. She tried to crawl away from him, but he grabbed the back of her neck forcing her face into the dirt while he undoes his tasset, the sound of the strap's being undone, the sound of the metal hitting dully onto the ground.  
  
Joe wanted to scream again as his cock was shoved into her arse, tear's running down her face as he grabbed her hip's hard, pounding into her. She couldn't breath, her hand's digging into the dirt beneath them, the mud going under her nail's, into her mouth with every movement behind her. He's calling her a filthy whore again through his grunts and groan's behind her, telling her she should be enjoying this, because he would be the only person ever to do this to her. That she should feel privileged for it, that who would want to a fucking mage as a lover, because we're nothing but filth, but she was a good dog for obeying. She wasn't even worth being fucked in the cunt, he'd tell her, he didn't want his cock soiled with her mage filth there.  
  
Joe's mind goes blank as he fuck's her hard, her eyes staring out into the wood's as her face is scraped in the mud, her wound's getting filled with the dirt under her. Her tear's still fell onto the ground below her, her breathing ragged when he comes in her, his spend running down her thigh's when he pulls out roughly, pushing her away from him like she was the one doing it. She fall's to her side, still looking into the wood's drawing up her knee's to her chin as he stands above her, putting himself away, putting his tasset back on. She can hear him talking to her but she hears nothing he says as she stares out into the wood's, a deer darting behind a tree, a squirrel digging through the leaves for nut's, but she doesn't see them, she doesn't see or hear anything as her mind is blank.  
  
Eliam kicks her in the back hard, and she slowly looks up at him, the sneer is still on his lip's as she throws a piece of cloth at her, telling her to clean herself up like the good dog she is. Joe takes the cloth from the ground where it was thrown, and begins to clean the spend from her thigh's as he looks the other way, not even bothering to look at what he did. She feels as dirty as the cloth in her hand's, as dirty as the mud under her when she cleans her self as much as she could before he snatches the cloth from her, balling it up and throwing it into the wood's. She could feel some of his spend seeping down her leg's when he pulls her up, telling her to pull up her leggings. She does so mutely, her eyes looking back at the wood's again, the deer had already ran away, the squirrel up a tree eating his bounty.  
  
Eliam takes her face roughly in his hand, looking it over then shoves it away as he spat in it. He shakes his head and takes her shoulder pushing her away from the place, her body is shaking under his grip, she feels numb as they walk through the tree-line towards the encampment. She feels nothing as she goes past people, she hears nothing when Aveline comes over asking Eliam what happened. She doesn't hear anything, she doesn't feel anything when the war horn blows sending soldier's into a frenzy, grabbing weapon's and armour as they run to the battleground. Aveline looks at her pained, she knows what happened, Joe can see it in her face as the fiery haired woman runs away too. This is more important then one filthy mage, this is more important then being stuck like a pig in a wood's.  
  
Her bow was shoved into her hand's as she was guided down to the battlefront, Eliam grinding his teeth behind her as they quick marched it down there. The smell of a bonfire permeated her nose as she goes by it, Alistair and another man is standing there in-front of it with Duncan. And Alistair looks over to her, but she doesn't really see. She knows by the sound of his voice he knew what happened to her when Eliam sends him a smirk, even Duncan knew when the Templar pushes her away from them, his hand gripping her shoulder hard leaving more bruises behind. Even the new Warden is disgusted when he grabs the Templar, pulling him away from her, but she keeps on walking to the battlefront, because that's where she has to be, it's where she is supposed to be. She was a good dog.  
  
Joe's breathing shudders as she walks down the path, fire and shadow's moving in the distance beyond the tree's getting closer to them. The smell of smoke making her feel sick the further she walks, the sound of dog's snarling and growling at the Darkspawn ahead. She knows people are looking at her the further she goes, going to the other archer's, because she's a good dog. That's what good dog's do, they follow order's, they follow their master, their leash holder and never disobey. She's a good dog as she stands with the other archer's, her bow gripped tight in her hand, her knuckles going white as she stares ahead at the Darkspawn beyond the tree-line, their growls and snarls echoing out in the valley.  
  
Someone says something next to her, but she doesn't hear as she stares ahead, tear's streaking down her face still, because she's a good dog. Dog's only listen to their master's, they never disobey, they never bite the hand that feeds them, lest they are punished.  
  
5000 people stand around her as the war horn blares again. 5000 people ready their weapon's as the first fiery boulder hit's the rampart's above her, sending down stone on the soldier's behind her. 5000 willing to die saving their country.  
  
"Archer's, READY!"  
  
She pulls the string back, still staring ahead, a spirit arrow ready to fly, the other archer's around her set their's aflame from the pitch on the ground.  
  
"FIRE!"  
  
She let's loose her arrow, she thinks it strikes true as she let's loose another. It was becoming to hard to breath when she does it again, her vision was blurring with the tear's streaming down her face, but she didn't care, she was a good dog. Her breath shuddered as the Mabari ran past her, they where good dog's too, they would die for their master's like she should. We are good dog's.  
  
She back's up with the rest of the archers when everyone else charged at Cailan's order's towards the Darkspawn, Grey Warden's raising their banner's high above them when they charge with the rest. Their proud battle cry echoing over the valley as they strike the Darkspawn down along side the King's men, along side ordinary men and woman defending their land from the filth that came from underground. Arrow's whiz past her head as the Darkspawn came closer, her own spirit arrow's joining them as they back up more. They where getting close, far too close, and she couldn't breath again as an Ogre comes charging though the soldier down below, knocking them aside as it charges this way. More Ogre's pour from the wood's coming their way, and someone screams next to her.  
  
5000 people between the Darkspawn and the rest of Ferelden, but she was a good dog standing her ground as she fire's more arrow's into the incoming horde, their teeth's snapping and snarling the closer they got, their weapon's slashing and slicing widely into nothing. There's more screaming but Joe doesn't care, she has a job to do: To take down as many as she could before she died, because that's what she was meant to do. There's someone standing next to her, yelling in her ear to move, but she doesn't as she stares ahead at the horde getting closer, her grip on her bow to the point it might snap in her hand's. The yelling persists as she back's up, then stumbles over someone behind her, but she doesn't stop firing her bow even as a hand takes her arm to drag her away.  
  
She pulls away from them and aims her bow again at the Ogre running towards her, the spirit arrow going clean through it's chest, but it doesn't stop. It's still coming and the hand is back on her arm again pulling her out the way as it charges towards her. She aims as she pulls from the grip again at the Ogre who has Cailan in it's grasp, and she screams as blood explodes from his body when the creature breaks him in half. She screams again when it tosses her King's body away like rubbish, watching it skid along the ground till it stop's. She wants to run over, to make sure he's still alive, but hand's pull her away, taking her away from the battlefront, and she screams again, feeling the tang of lyrium on her neck as Eliam pulls at her arm.  
  
There's screaming all around her, hers is lost in the mix when Eliam pulls away from her, his face is pure white when he fends off a Darkspawn as it ran at him. The Hurlock laughs with it's split mouth and bites down hard on the Templars neck as Eliam's sword plunged into it's chest. Joe stands there blank as she watches more Darkspawn jump on the dying Templar, tearing away his armour to get at his flesh. She watches him look up at her, his hand out pleading for mercy, but she back's away from him as the Darkspawn devour him, his screams drowned out by other's around her. The smell of blood, piss, shit and smoke permeated her nose as she back's away more from him, her stomach spasming at the pungent tang's coming from all around her.  
  
Joe screams again at nothing and aims her bow at the nearest thing coming towards her, and let's loose her arrow, one after another, after another, until she had no more mana left. She didn't have much after her double smiting from Eliam, but enough to fell the thing's around her, because she was a good dog with no master now, her leash master laying dead on the blood soaked ground. She could feel something drip down her face again, and touched it. Blood mingled with tear's rolled down her finger's and she stared at it, watching the blood soaked tear's drop away from her finger's to the ground. Her leggings where becoming uncomfortable now, sticking to her leg's as she stood there staring at her finger's, and sucks in a shuddering breath to look about her.  
  
Joe walked over slowly to the body of Eliam and looked down at him, his armour in pieces around him, some of his face was still on his skull looking up into the sky, his partially there mouth opened in a forever etched scream. She bends down still looking at his half there face, to find the thing on his neck, if it was still there. She fumbles around still looking at his face and feels the hum under her finger's on the ground where his ribcage used to be and picks up the the chain that held her phylactery. Her blood, her own blood held in the phial so he could track her anywhere. Joe puts the phylactery around her neck still looking at Eliam's face and back's away from him. The good dog broke it's leash, she was now a bad dog, a filthy ugly used dog mage.  
  
Joe feels pain on the back of her head, and slowly raises a hand to touch it, her eyes still never leaving Eliam's face when she brings her hand to her own, blood tinging her finger's and she stares at it as another pain shoots through her head, dropping her to the floor. She rolled onto her back slowly and stared up into the sky, watching a giant bird carrying two people in it's talon's fly away from the Tower of Ishal. She blinks slowly at the giant bird becoming a dot in the distance, and let's her eyes slip closed as the pain seeps into her core.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: PTSD AKA Shell Shock AKA The Thousand yard stare.

_'Who's a good dog. You are.'_  
  
Joe tries to move, but the weight on-top of her is pinning her down.  
  
_'Filthy fucking mage whore. Should of killed you when I had the chance.'_  
  
Her mind goes blank as the weight moves again, feeling it press against her body, the movement pushing her face into something, her cheek being scrapped into armour.  
  
_'You will DO as I say, I OWN YOU BITCH!'_  
  
She wants to scream, the weight pushing her further into the ground below, the sound's of flesh ripping apart loud in her ear's, the movement not stopping as she tries to breath in through her mouth.  
  
_'Good dog,'_ she tries to nod her head, she is a good dog as she lays there, still as a statue when some of the weight lift's from her body. Her eyes feel glued shut when she tries to open them, but her mind is blank. Joe's body shivers as another weight is pulled off her, and she wants to scream at the woman's face above her. The woman's white unseeing eyes peer down at her own, her mouth hung open in a silent scream, her matted hair falling into Joe's mouth as the woman's body is lifted away from her.  
  
Joe keeps still when dull light hit's her eyes, but her mind is blank. Just going through the motion's as she lays there. Small drifts of snow hit her face, making her eyes blink, the flake's touching her skin when she moves her head slowly to look up at the sky. Angry grey cloud's, unmoving as much as she is, are sitting low in the sky, letting there bounty of snow drift lazily down to the ground.  
  
Echo's of grunts and groan's ring around her, overlapping the sound's of flesh and armour being torn away.  
  
Joe digs her finger's into the ground beneath her, slickness of the mud seeping between her finger's when she pushes them further in. The smell of blood stronger then anything else, the tang of the coppery liquid snaps along her tongue when she tries to move it. She had blood in her mouth, she didn't know where from. Maybe the woman that was on-top of her? From herself? She didn't know as she tries to sit up and groan's softly at the pain shooting through her, her head pounding when she tries to move it again.  
  
Her mind goes blank again as she just lays there looking up at the snowy sky, she doesn't feel the cold any more, as the snow drifts down upon her, and she quietly sighs gripping the dirt beneath her hand's again. Her eyes watch each flake drift down, watches the cloud's grow more angry the longer she lays there. She needs to move, she needs to get up, but her body protest's again when she lift's her knee's.  
  
Her clothes are stuck to her skin, her leggings stuck like glue to her thigh's and she shudders, remembering. She wanted to cry again as she dug her nail's in deeper into the ground, feeling her nail's being torn away the further she digs in. She had to move, but she was a good dog, she had to stay put until her leash master came back. But he wasn't coming back, was he? Joe sucks in another breath through her mouth, letting it out slowly through her nose, and watches the white smoke lift lazily in the air before disappearing.  
  
A strangled scream behind her shakes her to the core, the scream sounded wet and pained as she tilts her head back to see. She wishes she hadn't. Darkspawn where raping a woman she knew, spitting red bile into her mouth. She watched as a Hurlock pushes away the Genlock from the woman and drag's her away by her leg's. Joe's stomach roiled as she slowly turned onto her stomach, watching the Hurlock drag the woman underground, the Genlock screeching the entire time, following the larger Spawn down the hole.  
  
Joe slowly rises onto her four's, her arm's and leg's shaking at the excursion. She's never had so much trouble standing before, why was this so hard? Why was her body so stiff? Where was everybody else?  
  
She stands slowly looking about herself, her eyes flicking from one body to another, to another, her breathing becoming ragged and hard looking at them all, looking at the blood seeping into the virgin snow, turning it deep red. Her mind goes blank again as she stares straight ahead, the sound's around her ringing loud in her ear's, the tang of blood and bodily fluid's flooding her nose, but she doesn't feel it any more as she slowly walks through the field of the dead and dying.  
  
The Darkspawn run past her, they don't see her as she walks through them all. None of them look at her, none of them want to be near her when they run past her, they don't even look up when she stop's in-front of some, tearing away flesh with their teeth. She watches them mutely, her body shaking when she steps around the feasting horde, and walks slowly to her tent. Her mind was blank, her eyes still staring when she's near it, but narrows them looking at the ripped apart canvas and frame. Joe walks away from it, no point staying there if it was ruined.  
  
She was a bad dog, she knows this when she realises there's something in her hand, and she squeezes it lifting up her arm to see what it was. Her bow, she still had it, she doesn't remember picking it up, but she must of as she walks away dragging it behind her when she drop's her arm. Joe wrinkle's her nose at the clothing still stuck to her skin, but she kept walking through the field of the dead, her toes on one foot sinking into the blood soaked ground. She looks down at it, she had lost a boot somewhere, she didn't know where as she stares at her bare toes in the red coloured mud.  
  
She tilts her head to the side as she looked over her armour, she was missing a vambrace too, her cuirass was missing a strap, her shirt was torn down one arm, her leggings still stuck to her thigh's like glue. She stands there looking at the ground, her mind going blank again, and shakes at the cold seeping into her core. She shouldn't feel cold, she's Ferelden, but she does as she shakes, moving her leg's again, walking away.  
  
She walks through the gate's of Ostagar, her bow dragging behind her, her toes sinking into the snow that's falling more heavily now, the flake's brushing her cheek's, landing on her eyelashes making her blink them away. There's wet on her face dripping down her chin, falling onto her ruined cuirass, the snow sticking to it. Her body shakes again, the cold nipping through her clothes the more she walks, her hand gripping her bow more, the nock digging into her palm.  
  
A small sound near her heal makes her blink again, a small tug on her legging makes her flinch and she looks down. Blue eyes look up at her, blood on it's tiny snout as it tugs on her legging again. Joe stares at the small Mabari puppy as it stares back at her, it's paw's resting up on her leg when it pushes it's nose against it, still looking up at her. She slowly kneels down to the puppy and runs a finger down and over it's head and back. The puppy quietly boof's at her, nudging her hand with it's tiny nose and Joe picks the tiny thing up with one hand, cradling it against her chest when she starts walking again.  
  
Both of them where good dog's.  
  
Both of them shiver the further she walks, the snow coming down more hiding her drag mark's, hiding her foot fall's. She grip's the puppy tighter to her chest, it's nose touching her chin before snuggling against Joe.  
  
Her feet feel sore, the more she walks, her leg's burned, the further she goes, her arm's feel heavy the more she holds onto both puppy and her bow. But she kept on going, she didn't know where she was going but she was going there. She thought she saw a burning windmill, a burning barn, but she didn't know, she just kept on walking. Her feet where sore, her bare toes hitting stones as she walked, but she kept on walking. The smell of burning grass and wood hit her nose, but she kept on walking. Dirt gave way to stone gave way to dirt as she kept on walking. She didn't know where she was going, but she was going there anyway.  
  
She could hear someone sobbing, she could feel wet running down her face, she could feel her body shake the more she walked. Her leg's hurt, her thigh's and calves burned, her arm's shook, but she kept on walking. She heard something move in-front of her, around a corner, the sound of fabric and armour moving, the sound of someone talking, but she kept on walking.  
  
A gasp rang out in her ear's and she stopped as she looked at the people in-front of her, and dropped to her knee's still cradling the puppy close to her chest.  
  
*****  
  
"For now, we move with you. North is cut- What's that?"  
  
Aveline reached for her sword as the sound of something being dragged along the ground came closer, as well as the quiet sound of sobbing. Wesley looked at her then back to where the sound was coming from, the other four people stepping away, the two mages pulling their staff's from their back's, the other drawing his sword.  
  
The older woman with them gasped as a figure came around the corner, her eyes blank, tear's streaming down her eyes and Aveline's mouth fell open as Joe stands there, looking but not seeing them before dropping to her knee's, her broken bow falling from her hand's, holding something against her chest.  
  
"Makers breath," Wesley mutters staring at the grime soaked woman on the ground, "It can't be!"  
  
Aveline sucks in a breath when she drops the sword and shield on the floor, pushing past the other's to get to her. She walks slowly over with her hand's out looking down at Joe, some of her armour was missing, her shirt and cuirass was torn, hanging loose over her shoulder, but it was the amount of dirt and blood she was covered in that made Aveline drop to her knee's in-front of her.  
  
"Oh Joette," she whispers out, her hand's still in-front of her, trying to calm the sobbing woman on the ground, making tear's prick Aveline's eyes at the sight, "I didn't know, Maker I didn't know you where still alive."  
  
She hears someone move behind her and she looks over her shoulder at the tall mage, his eyes wide open, blue flickering against his palm coming over to them, "NO!," she growls at him, making Joe flinch, "She doesn't like to be touched."  
  
The man nod's and back's away slowly from them, his eyes never leaving Joe's form kneeling on the ground. Aveline looks back at Joe and rest's her hand's on her thigh's, feeling the tear's that pricked her eyes roll down her face. She sucks in a deep breath looking Joe over again. Her face was covered in blood and mud, her hair was matted coming loose from her braid, her eyes where blank as she stared at Aveline. Tear track's ran down her dirt and blood covered face, staining them and her armour below, and Aveline chokes back a sob when  
something squirmed in Joe's arm.  
  
A Mabari puppy looked at her, and boofed softly before sticking it's nose against Joe's chin, making the woman shudder and look down at it.  
  
"Is he hurt?" Aveline asks quietly, "He has blood on his snout."  
  
"I, I," Joe frowns and looks at the puppy again, "don't know."  
  
"May I?"  
  
Joe flinches away from Aveline slightly and looks down at the puppy, and Aveline sucks in another breath when she slowly nod's holding the tiny puppy away from her chest so Aveline could take it. Aveline gently takes the puppy from Joe's hand, avoiding touching her, and stands up slowly walking backwards to the mage behind her, "Make sure he's alright. For her sake," she muttered quietly to him. The mage nod's as takes the puppy, sending out blue tendril's over it, his large hand's swallowing the tiny thing when he heals it.  
  
"Av-Ave- Aveline?"  
  
Aveline looks over at Joe, confusion written on her face when she looks at her, and Aveline nod's putting her hand's out slowly when she comes back to Joe, "It's me Joette. It's me, and Wesley." Joe flinches when she hears Wesley's name, her eyes looking up quickly at him and she starts to slowly back away from him, her breathing getting hard as she looks over his face, "No, nonono, I'm a good dog, good dog. I didn't mean too."  
  
Everyone behind Aveline let's out shocked gasps and looks at her husband, his face etched in shock shaking his head, his eyes wide, "I never, I would never. It goes against the Order!"  
  
"Never stopped your kind before! Has it Templar," the tall man spat at him, the younger man next to him glaring at both Wesley and her, the young woman putting her hand over her mouth as she looks at Joe, the older woman looking at Wesley with disgust.  
  
"Not now," Aveline hisses at them all before looking back at Joe. The woman was panting hard trying to curl up into a ball, and Aveline let's out a pained gasp at the scar's running along Joe's arm. If Eliam wasn't dead by now, she would kill him herself. She should of stepped in when she knew something was wrong, Wesley said as much when he watched both Eliam and Joette together, at how the older Templar would pull her about, whisper in her ear making her flinch. What was worse was the collar around her neck, a dog collar, and Aveline let's out a cry into the sky, she should of done something.  
  
The tall mage walks slowly over to Aveline, holding the tiny puppy in his hand's for her to take,' _he's a she,'_ he mutters to her as she cries at the woman in-front of her. Wesley wrinkle's his nose and spits on the ground when he spot's the collar around her neck, the scar's on her arm's. The tall mage kneels down far enough away from Joe, and Aveline watches him put a palm out with the blue tendril's emanating from it towards Joe, then hears him balk at her injuries.  
  
"Who the fuck did this too her?" he spits out staring at Aveline, "WHO DID THIS?"  
  
"He, he, he's dead. I watched him die," Joe mutters from her balled sitting position, her head on her knee's, "I watched them all die, I watched. I'm a bad dog, bad bad bad."  
  
"Makers breath. Joe, your not a dog!" Aveline sobs out. She looked at the tall mage seething, his fist's clenched on his thigh's his teeth gritted enough to no doubt make his jaw ache later. Aveline puts her hand out at him to stop, and Joe flinches again, sobbing onto her knee's and Aveline has to bite her lip hard not to bring her in for the hug she so desperately needs.  
  
"Joette, your puppy," she whispers holding the tiny thing out to the woman, "He's a she, Joette. She has very pretty eyes."  
  
Joe shudders a breath as she lift's her head, putting her hand's out for the puppy and brings her in slowly to her chest, stroking her ear's making the puppy nuzzle her chin. Joe looks Aveline dead in the eyes, making her breath hitch as Joe slowly smile's at her, "Your armour's dirty again Aveline."  
  
"And your bows broken, Joette. We'll have to get you a new one."  
  
"Oh?" Joe looks down slowly to her side and looks at her broken bow, "Oh," she says again picking it up in her hand, the string hanging loose from it's broken nock, "I need a new one."  
  
"Joette, we have to go. We have to leave, Okay. We can't stay here."


	5. Chapter 5

"Makers breath, It's been over a fortnight!" Wesley mutters to his wife, "How in the Makers name did she survive?"  
  
"Tenacity," Aveline mutters back at him, "But I should of done something, Maker I should of done something. All those month's and I didn't do anything. I should of-"  
  
Hawke grinds his teeth hard listening to both of them talk. He's never felt more disgusted in his life that the woman Aveline didn't even bother to step in when the other woman was being abused. Maker take the Templars, they will never relent. His father even said so.  
  
Hawke looks over his shoulder slightly to the woman behind him, and noted she was still shaking as they walked further towards Gwaren. He closes his eyes when he looks forward again and tap's Bethany on the shoulder, "Bethy. Do me a favour," he asks her and she nod's, "Walk with her, but not too close, okay."  
  
Bethany smile's softly at her brother and slows her pace down to walk along side Joe, but not to close. Carver looks at his older brother, then at the woman behind them, and let's out a long sigh when he looks ahead too, "If I didn't see it, I wouldn't of believed it."  
  
"Believed what?" Hawke ground out staring dagger's in the back of the Templars head, wishing the piece of shit would burst into flames.  
  
"I saw her at Ostagar. She was with a Templar, Orran, when I sparred with Aveline. A personal Templar," Carver sneered out, "with the king's fucking crest on his chest."  
  
Hawke stuttered in his step and looked behind him at Joette, her eyes never leaving the ground, clutching the puppy against her chest, and Maker did he want to scream and rage at the world around him. He's looks at his baby brother, the sneer still on his lip and let's out breath, "Shit."  
  
"But how the fuck did she survive?" Carver asked his older brother, "It's been over two week's for fuck's sake!"  
  
"I have no idea," Hawke sighs out, "Luck? Fate? Divine intervention?"  
  
"Really Orran. Ugh," Carver fling's his hand's in the air and stomps away, then stop's letting his older brother catch up with him, "So are we really going to Kirkwall?"  
  
Hawke shrugged as he looked at his mother's back, "Only place we can go. Was her home after all."  
  
"Yeah, not ours. Ours is back there," Carver thumbed behind him.  
  
Hawke rolled his eyes, but he did agree with his baby brother, their home was behind them, on fire and in piece's thanks to the Darkspawn horde baring down on them. He didn't relish the idea of going to a place filled with Templars, but they had no-where else to go. None of them did any more. He looks over his shoulder again and smile's softly at his baby sister talking quietly to Joe, the other woman tilting her head slightly to listen. He smiled more when the puppy licked Joe's chin, her blue eyes staring up at the woman when she looks downat it, scratching her behind the ear's making the puppy boof softly.  
  
Hawke wondered why Joe carried a bow, he knows she was a mage by just feeling the magic coming from her. He's never seen a mage not carrying a staff, let alone one who carried a bow instead. He's heard of tall tale's from his father that there used to be mages in full plate armour, wielding sword's and dagger's, but he never believed them till he looked at her.She wore no robe's just archer's armour, finely made black leather archers armour, had a finely crafted bow as well as now broken lock picks on her belt. Maybe she had to hide her true nature, but that seemed unlikely if she had a personal Templar at Ostagar.  
  
She was also robust in stature, well defined arm muscles from what he could see through her ripped shirt, and not short either. She was just shorter then Bethany and Carver, and neither of them where short at five eleven. He himself towered above both of them taking after father's height and colouration. His pale blond hair and blue eyes, compared to everyone else's raven black hair. Carver had father's eyes, Bethany had mother's hazel. His skin was slightly paler compared to the olive skin of his sibling's, but it was his height. At six foot six, he would always tower over everyone, his hand's where larger, his feet where larger, his entire frame was larger, which made it happy happy fun time's finding anything to fit, which usually resulted in his father's hand-me-Downs.  
  
Hawke sighed when they reached a plateau, he would always stick out like a sore bloody thumb, he hated sticking out, just asking for trouble no matter where they went. The staff on his back didn't help matter's either, he needed a new one, one that didn't scream he was an apostate when they reached Kirkwall.  
  
Aveline was trying to talk to him when the ground shook beneath their feet, knocking their mother over. A loud roar echoed in-front of them as an Ogre crested the rise. Hawke's eyes went wide at it when it charged them all, nearly bowling them over. It stood up and roared again, and Hawke froze when Bethany stood in-front of their mother to protect the fallen woman.  
  
He tried to scream at her no when she let's loose a cold spell at it, the Ogre rearing back holding it's arm to it's face when she does it again. He found his voice when it reached to to grab her, it's huge hand about to pick her up when a spirit bolt hit's it head.  
  
"Leave them alone," Joe ground out aiming her hand at it, "LEAVE THEM ALONE," she screams when she let's loose another spirit bolt into it's chest.  
  
Bethany grabs their mother to drag her away but the Ogre grabs her, lifting the older woman off the ground before slamming her down. And they all froze watching their mother being pounded into the dirt, blood spraying from her body before it tossed her broken form at Joe. Joe screams again when Leandra's body slams into her, knocking her back, knocking the small defenceless puppy away from her chest when she hit's the ground with a yelp.  
  
Bethany and Carver yell in unison, running over to attack the Ogre that killed their mother. Hawke slammed his staff on the ground before raising his arm's into the air, lightening cracking around his body when he slams the staff down again. Lightening coming down from the dark snow cloud's above into the Ogre, hitting the ground around it, making the ground shake with each impact.  
  
Another scream rang out around them as ice encased the beast freezing it's leg's solid, when Joe pushes Leandra's dead body away from her to stand. Her chest heaving, her fist's clenched staring the beast down as ice crept up it's body more. He watched her grit her teeth before running at the thing, jumping onto it's chest, hitting it with her fist's as she climbed up it to it's head. Hawke slammed his staff down again, the ground shaking when it erupted upward claiming the Ogre's leg in it's stony embrace, and he pulled his staff back allowing the earth to pull the beast backwards while Joe was still hitting it.  
  
"MORE INCOMING!" Aveline shouted behind him, but he could only watch the woman in-front of him, taking her anger out on the now dead Ogre, her hand's digging into it's eyes socket's, screaming in it's face that she wasn't a filthy mage whore dog. Hawke's heart stopped, when she started crying, her hand's covered in black blood as she slowed her attack on the dead beast. He closed his eyes and wrinkled up his face in anger when he swung around letting his own anger out on to the Darkspawn pouring out from everywhere. Lightening and frost hitting every one of the foul fiend's, sword's and shield's knocking them down slitting their throat's, and Hawke yelled in anger as he punched one in the face away from him.  
  
A throaty roar above them made them all look up, Darkspawn included, and he cursed loudly as a red dragon roared down at them all before taking flight. They all ducked as the dragon swooped down, but not at them, at the Darkspawn, setting them on fire, picking up talon's full high into the sky before dropping them onto the ground with a sickening thud and an explosion of gore. The dragon landed and slowly looked around it's self, and Hawke sucked in a deep breath as it walked towards them, holding a Darkspawn in it's talon. He had to shield his eyes when a bright flash of light came from the huge beast and heard his baby brother and sister behind him gasp.  
  
Hawke moved his hand away only to see a woman walking slowly towards them, the Darkspawn still in her grasp before letting it go step's away from them. _'She looked feral'_ , Hawke thought to himself when she puts her hand on her hip looking him over, _'Feral and fucking dangerous, and Maker as tall as me!'_  
  
She grinned wide at him, her yellow eyes piercing into his soul, judging him, gauging him before she turned her head to look the other way. Hawke looked where she was looking. She was looking straight at Joette, her grin going even wider at her when the woman bent down to his mother's body, touching her face, her puppy held tight in her arm's. He couldn't hear what the woman was saying when his brother and sister ran over to their mother, Bethany's sobbing over shadowing Carver's angry grunts. He doesn't hear Aveline talk behind him either when he  
looks back at the dragon lady, her grin impossibly wide when she looks him over again, sending shivers down his spine.  
  
He only half hears her over the rushing blood in his ear's, something about amulet and Dalish, but he mutely nod's at her, he thinks he promised her that he would. She's now saying something else, but the rushing sound in his ear's drowns anything else out. His mother was dead, his mother. Their mother. It could of been Bethany. It could of been Carver. It could of been him. But it was his mother his sibling's where bent over. His mother Joe tried to save. Hawke stopped breathing for a moment when he heard the word's taint and already dead behind him, and he looks over at the fiery haired woman shouting at the dragon lady.  
  
Wesley is propped up against the cliff face, black tendril's going over his exposed face, his eyes milky white as he pleads to his wife to end his misery, but she's crying, saying she can't. And Hawke sucks in a deep breath when he walks slowly over to her kneeling over her tainted husband and kneels on the other side of him, pulling the hidden dagger from his boot.  
  
Anger shoots through him again when she stares at him, her eyes going huge when he plunges the dagger into the dying man's ribcage, pushing the blade in as deep as it could go with armour in the way. She's screaming at him, but he doesn't hear when he stands, he needs to see his mother, he needs to see her. He needs to make sure his baby brother and sister are alright, to make sure-  
  
Hawke drop's to the ground next to his mother, putting his hand's on her face, brushing her blood soaked hair away from her eyes. "At least she'll be with father now," he hears himself say, but it didn't sound like his voice when he spoke, it sounded rough and wet. He bends down to kiss her forehead, to say goodbye, to say he was sorry, to say everything he'd meant to say to her, but it would never be enough now, would it. She was gone, they where orphan's now going to a city that would kill them all, to an uncle they didn't even know. He stands up slowly and feels his sister against his arm, and looks down at her, her eyes rimmed with red, the same as his brother's, and he pulls them both in as they sobbed hard on each other.  
  
"With out an end, there can be no peace. It gets no easier," the dragon lady says watching them all, "Your struggles have only just begun."  
  
*****  
  
He barely remembers getting to Gwaren. He barely remembers anything when the witch named Flemeth got them there on her back. At any other time he would of rejoiced riding on the back of a dragon, but not now. He felt numb inside, he felt dead and empty while they walked through the street's to the dock's. Hundred's other's screaming and shouting to board a boat, any boat to get out of here. They needed to get out of here too, they needed to get to Kirkwall. He needed to keep his baby brother and sister safe, but how could he, he let mother die while he stood there frozen.  
  
Hawke sucked in a wet breath, feeling the tear's roll down his face. They had lost mother, Aveline lost her husband, Joette lost-  
  
Hawke shook his head, brushing the tear's away on his robe sleeve. They had all lost something, all of them, going to a city that was going to swallow them whole and spit them out with nothing again. He didn't want to go, they had all heard the horrific rumour's that came from the place, but it was their mother's home, the place where father was locked up for year's, where mother and father met, where he was conceived.  
  
Someone tugged on his arm and he looked down. Bethany nodded her head for him to follow, and he did so, numbly. Carver was grinding his teeth standing next to Aveline as they both walked over to them. Carver looked up at him and wrinkled his nose hard pointing down to the dock's, "There five ship's heading to Kirkwall, but they want ten sovereigns a piece!"  
  
"Makers breath," Hawke muttered out pinching his nose, they didn't have that kind of money. There was no way they could afford ten sovereigns for each person, no way. All they had was five measly sovereigns, and that was it. Aveline digs into her armour and pulls out a pouch, shoving it into Carver's hand, glaring at Hawke as she did so, "There's Fifteen in there," she ground's out at him. He knows she still angry at him for killing her husband, but he didn't care, it needed to be done, get rid of another piece of filth Templar off Thedas. He was already dead, but she didn't see it at the time.  
  
Joette stands behind Aveline, her finger's running over her puppies head, not even looking at them. She hasn't said a word since, since they lost their mother, hasn't looked at anyone, just flinching moving away from the crowd that too close to them all. Hawke didn't know whether she felt guilty at loosing their mother, but it wasn't her fault, he was the one that froze watching the Ogre try and grab his baby sister, he was the one who froze when it grabbed their mother. And he sucked in another shuddering breath looking down the harbour, to where the ship's to Kirkwall supposedly are. He had to get them all to safety, and he nodded his head, he would offer is services to the crew for healing, if they wanted more, then it would be on his head, not his baby brother or worse his sister, or even worse, Joette. Wouldn't be the first time he had to do it.  
  
"Let's go," he murmur's to them all, walking down the harbour to the waiting ship's, people all around them wailing and crying, holding item's they managed to save before fleeing the incoming horde. All the five had were the clothes on their back's, and weapon's that had seen far better day's. All they had was each other, even if the flamed haired woman glared at him from behind. He shrugs it off asking Carver which ship's, his brother pointed and Hawke bit his cheek nodding, going over to the captain's.


	6. Chapter 6

The ship rocked again in the swell, the entire hold stuffed with Ferelden's groaned and moaned once more. The smell of vomit hitting his nose as Hawke holds onto the railing on deck, then looks down at the people in the hold, he wanted to cry, they where all stuffed in there like sardine's. His brother and sister huddled together, Aveline sitting next to them, her husband's Templar shield laying against her thigh and Joette was tucked in a corner away from the other three, her puppy tucked under her chin as she tried to meld into the wood both behind and beside her.  
  
 _'They were the lucky one's,'_ Hawke thinks to himself as the ship rolls over the swell again. They managed to book passage on the small ship for his services at healing, to which the both the ship's crew and it's captain where more then thankful for. He also dodged a bolt when they didn't ask for sex, but he would of done it if it meant the other's would be safe. Hawke sighed, looking out at the black cloud's swirling around them in the angry maelstrom it was, the sea swells five time's as high as the ship. _'They were the lucky one's,'_ he thinks again when he watched not a day earlier three of the ship's carrying his own countrymen go under the waves to never resurface again.  
  
Another large swell rocked the ship, and he gripped the railing tight his knuckles going white, the salt spray hitting his face soaking his robe's as the crew men slip and slide across the deck, grabbing robe's that had snapped free again, leaving the sail to flap in the strong wind. He could barely hear them shouting over the wailing wind's, he could barely hear himself think either as another swell hit the ship.   
  
_'Maker, give us strength, please! Protect us in our hour of need. Protect my baby brother and sister. Protect your children who you bestowed your gift upon. Protect the men, women and children in the hold of the ship. Please, I beg you!'_  
  
Hawke almost jumps at the tap on his arm and looks at the captain, the man pulling him down so he could get to his ear. "GET BELOW DECK," he shout's and Hawke nod's, loosening his grip on the railing and dashes to the stair's to the hatch. He dives in just in time as another swell hit, sending him tumbling down the step's into the hold, water pouring in through it's opening. Hawke grit's his teeth as he sits up right, putting his hand on his head sending healing into the bump he felt, then to his arm. He sighed loudly as he stood, wobbling over to his sibling's, and Bethany looks up at him smiling softly at her older brother, then cluck's her tongue at the state of him.  
  
"Orran, your a mess," she chuckles out quietly, brushing the stray pale blond hair from his face, "Where's your tie?"  
  
"In the drink somewhere," he mutters out grabbing his long hair, tucking it back into his collar, "Along with three other ship's and two crew men."  
  
"And your fucking staff," Carver grouses out.  
  
Of course he would spot that, he wasn't mage without that bloody thing on his back, was the first thing overboard when the first deep swell hit, then the two crew men after when they didn't tie themselves to the rigging in time.  
  
"Like I care," Hawke mutters sitting down heavily next to his sister, her hand taking his and squeezing it making him smile at her, "Least Bethy still has hers little brother. She can go about flinging spells hither and thither."  
  
"Hither and thither? Makers breath you sound just like dad," she chuckles out at him.  
  
"Like a sodding old man, you mean," Carver mumbles under his breath, then glares at his older brother when he punches him in the arm, "Bastard!"  
  
"Yeah, if I'm one, what does that make you, hmm?"  
  
"Piss off."  
  
"Hawke," Aveline's trying to get his attention, but he ignores the woman. "Hawke! Damn it, listen to me."  
  
"The fuck do you want?" he ground's out her.  
  
"Can you," she swallows looking past him at Joette in the corner, "can you make sure she's alright. She wont talk to me. Please."  
  
Aveline pushes her food over to him, the hard tack the captain provided them when they came aboard, but wasn't enough for everyone. Hawke pushed it back at her, and pulled his own out from his robe before standing. He had to hold on to the mast in the hold, as another swell hit, and waited before he slowly walked over to the woman in the corner. She has her knee's practically under her chin, the puppy laying close to her chest, her finger's gripped into her leggings, and he let's out a quiet sigh as he slides down the inner hull in-front to her.  
  
She's still covered in dirt and grime and dried blood, they hadn't had time to wash themselves before they boarded the ship, he knew they must all stink, but so did everyone else packed in the hold. The boat rocked again, her head banged on the side of the hull, and he watched her screw her eye's tighter shut, her finger's gripping her leggings more. The puppy boofed quietly, sticking it's head out over Joette's knee's, looking at him, cocking her head and boofed again. Joette's eyes slowly open, and looks straight at him, her lip quivering slightly.  
  
Hawke bit the inside of his cheek and held up the hard tack in his hand, offering it too her. She looks down at it then back up at him, a frown on her brow as she looks back down at it.  
  
"It's hard tack," he whispers quietly, "I know it's not much, but you haven't eaten since we boarded, Joette."  
  
"Just Joe."  
  
Hawke frowns slightly at her tilting his head, then smiled softly, "Take it, Just Joe. She needs to eat too."  
  
Joe looks down at the puppy, the tiny thing nuzzling her chin again, making her softly giggle when the puppies soft tongue begins to lick her. Hawke sucks in a breath at the small giggle, cherishing the thing before it slipped away. She looks back up at him and slowly puts her hand out for the hard tack. Hawke gingerly leans forward to put the hard tack in her hand, and smiles at her again before he sits back down. She breaks off a small piece and feeds it to the puppy, the tiny thing gobbling it up then pushes her wet nose into Joe's chin for more.  
  
He watches this for a while, not moving, just watching, looking over her filthy face, looking down the scar covered arm. He wonder's how many more scar's and bruises where under her clothing, how long it went on for, how long she suffered under her jailer's watch. He knew he and Bethany where lucky, he knew other's of their kind where not. His father said so. He and Bethany where free mages, but with a price of not staying in one place for too long lest they where found out. Joe is now a free mage, but at the cost of almost loosing her life at Ostagar.  
  
Joe lowers her knee's away from her chest, letting her feet slip on the floor towards Hawke, and he's about to move out the way, he knows she doesn't like to be touched, when she says a quiet _'no'_ at him. He frowns at her when her feet move more towards him, her bare feet covered in split's and cut's, some of her toe nail's where missing from walking all the way from Ostagar to where they were. She must of spent day's walking by foot, must of spent day's at Ostagar too. Hawke slipped his eyes closed looking away from her, biting the inside of his cheek again, over two week's she had to deal with all of that on her own. Over fortnight of horror and torment, month's or year's having to deal with fucking Templar who-   
  
Hawke breathed through his nose slowly, then his breath hitched when her feet touched him. He slowly opened one eye and looked down, her feet where indeed touching his booted foot, she was touching him. Aveline said she never touches anyone, and warned them all time and time again not to touch her at all. He could feel her magic, even though the base of her foot touching him and it was strong, like very very strong. A different kind of strong, as he let's the feeling envelope him, letting her magic seeping into his body, flowing with his. His magic didn't repulse it like it did with Bethany's, like it did with his father's when they laid there hand's on him for something or other. His magic didn't shove it aside like it was a foreign object, it took her magic in, and mingled with it, dancing around it. He's never felt anything like it before.  
  
Hawke feels her toes bunch up in his robe's, and let's his head slowly roll over to look at her. A smile tinged his lip's at her closed eyes, her hand's resting in her lap, relaxed, her puppy walking up her leg to sniff at Hawke. The puppy boofed at him, trying to climb up into his lap, and Hawke stretches his leg's out allowing the small thing to crawl into it. He hears another chuckle from Joe and his breath hitches again at it.  
  
"I think she likes you," Joe chuckles out at him, "She likes the hard tack too. Taste's like shit though."  
  
Hawke guff's a laugh at the look on her face when it crinkles up thinking about the food. Then stop's when she flinches slightly, her toes digging into his thigh, her finger's gripping her torn shirt twisting it between them.  
  
"Are you in pain?" he asks her quietly, concern written on his face at the look on hers. She nod's and she sucks in a breath pulling her knee's up again. "Will you allow me to heal you, Just Joe?"  
  
Joe scrunches up her face, turning it away from him, the dog collar around her neck glinting at him. He wanted to rip it off her, to throw it overboard, to kill every fucking Templar out there, just for this woman who's in pain in-front of him. She nod's her head slowly against the inner hull, and he raises his hand slowly at her where she can see, the blue tendril's of healing going over her skin, taking it in.  
  
He ignored the tugs and pulls at the scarred flesh for now, sending his healing to where she was in pain, her stomach and her head. He could feel the pull of an infection setting in and sucked in his breath. There wasn't much he could do at sea, his mana was low as it was keeping up with the healing of the ship's crew, of the people suffering from seasickness. The pull of her own magic against his again made him slip his eyes partially closed at the feeling.  
  
Hawke's breath hitched again when her feet touched his thigh, her head lolling on the hull, asleep. He pulled his hand away from her stopping his healing, she would need more over time, but not just on the outside. He laid his head back on the hull too, and let's his eyes slip closed fully, the now gentle rolling of the ship sending him to sleep.  
  
*****  
  
Hawke stood on the deck as the battered ship slowly made it's way to the dock's in Kirkwall. Huge bronze statue's lined the entire way, hiding their face's behind their hand's, water staining down their finger's like tear's. Huge chain's rattled above when the ship sailed under them, echoing around the place, making the hair on Hawke's neck rise slightly. He could feel magic seeping from the place they were going, he knew Bethany could feel it too when she grip's the sleeve of his robe bunching it in her hand as she looks over the enormous building the ship was going to dock at.  
  
It felt wrong, the whole place felt off, his magic repulsing it away from him. He knew Bethany's was repulsing it when she flinched slightly. He wondered how Joe was fairing with this darkness tugging from everywhere. The woman was leaning against the now broken foremast, her puppy held against her chest as the ship slowly docked, his brother not to far away, and Aveline standing behind him. Joe didn't want to have anything to do with her, he knows this when Aveline tried to talk to her, and Joe just tried to meld into the hull again, staring at Aveline's dead husband's shield on the floor.  
  
Joe shook against the broken foremast, the infection she has hasn't broken into a full blown fever yet from being covered in grime, from laying in Ostagar. Hawke sighed out loudly, he couldn't stem the infection at all, but he would be able to stem the fever when it broke, if it breaks. Hopefully it would when they had somewhere warm and dry to live. He hoped their uncle they have never met had gotten their mother's letter's, he hoped they would be living in the mansion their mother spoke of often that she had to leave behind when she ran away in love with father, pregnant with him.  
  
Bethany pulled away from his arm when the ship finally docked and walked slowly over to Joe, and cooed over the tiny bundle in Joe's arm's when it boofed at her. Hawke let a small smile grace his lip's when Joe looked at his baby sister, the woman nodded briefly, then let Bethany stroke the puppy behind her ear's. They where talking quietly, too quiet for Hawke to hear as they all disembarked the ship for dry land again. Maker, he wanted to drop to the floor and kiss the dirt, he hoped that would be the last time he ever got on a ship, he never wanted to do that again, ever!  
  
Carver and Aveline walked with him and all three of them gasped at the crowd in-front of huge wrought iron gate's, guards waving their sword's about keeping them all back from entering. Hawke pinched the bridge of his nose, this was all they needed, they needed to get into the city, they needed to find Gamlen. He decided to let his brother take over this debacle while he looked behind himself, and noted both Bethany and Joe weren't with them. He frowned deeply looking for them, he just couldn't see them anywhere over the head's of everyone around him. Joe may of been a bit shorter then his baby sister, but he should be able to spot Bethany's raven black hair anywhere.  
  
Hawke looked quickly back at the guard shouting at Carver and ground his teeth against each other. The two men weren't going to let them in with out proof they had family here.  
  
"Our uncle's Gamlen Amell, find him," Hawke ground out at them, making both look up at Hawke.  
  
"Pah, the only Gamlen I know is a weaselly little shit."  
  
"Wait, Amell did you say? Makers breath, that's all we need."  
  
Hawke and his brother frowned at the two men as they looked back at the three standing there, "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Look, I can't get you into the city, alright. But I'll find your uncle and bring him to you. May take a while, kinda busy" the guard laughed out waving his hand at the growing crowd around them, "You'll have to wait in there, alright," he thumbed behind him.  
  
"Are we being allowed in?" Bethany said next to him, making him let out a sigh of relief at her.  
  
"Kind of," he muttered out at her, "Gotta wait till our uncle shows up before we can get into the city proper."  
  
"Maker, I hope he received mother's letter's then."  
  
Hawke nodded at her, and noted Joe was standing behind her, and guided them all through the wrought iron gate's to the place beyond, hoping to the Maker, that this wouldn't be as hard on them all as it has been, they've all been through enough already.  
  
*****  
  
Hawke wanted to throttle his uncle. Three day's it took him to get to them. Three day's they waited for the man to show up, and of course the man was partially slurring his word's at them all, standing there swaying as he waved his hand's about in anger that his sister was dead, why didn't they save her. The man was drunkenly spitting fire at them all, cursing them every name under the sun for being useless fucking mages! Hawke ground his teeth hard again, he wanted to throttle the man when he forced them into indentured servitude so they could get into the city. And worse, they had no fucking mansion to go to, because dear kind uncle sold it away for his fucking debt's.  
  
Of course it wouldn't be fucking easy, of course it wouldn't. Freedom isn't free after all. Freedom would always come at a cost, no matter which way you look at it, everything has a price. And their price was to either work for a smuggler or a mercenary. Brilliant. He wanted nothing to do with either of them, nothing at all, but Carver and Bethany both said they would rather do mercenary work then smuggling.  
  
Hawke relented as he stood in-front of the heavily scarred, one eyed man called Meeran. Oh yes, the man just oozed charm when he wanted them to kill someone just because the man wouldn't pay his share in something or other. Hawke stopped listening when his brother laughed out if they worked for Meeran he'd end up talking like him. Brilliant.  
  
So now here they are, asking this Friedrich to help them get into the city instead of Meeran, and then the man attacked them. Brilliant. Just what Hawke really wanted when he fended off the man's guards with his palm's out, letting lightening loose from them. Friedrich and his men dropped like flies when they picked them off one by one. Maker, he just wanted to get his family out of here into a place with four wall's and a roof.  
  
Joe wrinkled her nose up looking down at the now dead Friedrich and sighed out through it, clutching her tiny puppy under her arm, "Did they really need to do that? They could of just walked away!"  
  
"Greed begets greed, Joette," Aveline muttered wiping her sword on a dead man's shirt, "Makers breath I do agree with you though, they should of just walked away."  
  
"Least this one had five sovereigns on him though," Carver grinned out at them, holding up the small money pouch in his hand, "Let's not tell Meeran huh, we kinda need it more then he does."  
  
Hawke smirked at his baby brother taking the money pouch from him, tucking it into his robe along side their's, then remembered he still had Aveline's. He pulled it out and threw it at her when she looked at him and walked away to tell Meeran the job was done.  
  
Joe still had her nose wrinkled up when she walked beside him, her puppy sniffing the air. All of them where still covered in grime, their clothes beginning to smell more ripe then they should, but she had a small smile on her face, something he has yet to see, and he cherishes that one, along with her soft giggles at her puppy. He hears her sigh softly when she looks up at him, and he quirk's an eyebrow at her.  
  
"First time I've been out of Ferelden," she says to him quietly, "not liking it too much at the moment."  
  
Hawke guff's a laugh agreeing with her when they get to Meeran. They had sealed their deal with spit and a hand shake, and now all they needed to do was to tell there bloody drunken uncle that they where allowed into the city.   
  
Maker, he hope's this year of servitude would be over quick for all of them. He knows Aveline wont be joining them, seeing as she sweet talked the Captain of the Guard for employ with in their rank's, to which they lapped up immediately after they heard she was a soldier from King Cailan's army. Not that Hawke minded, she could go die in a fire all he cared.  
  
Hawke looked at his baby brother and sister, looked at Joe and thought, _'This is only the beginning for them all,'_ and followed their uncle away from the Gallows, the same place their father was being held prisoner before he escaped year's previous.


	7. Chapter 7

Gamlen didn't stay with them when they entered the place called Lowtown, just shoved the key's to the place he called home at Hawke, waving his hand in the direction it was then scarpered off to Maker knows where. Hawke pinched the bridge of his nose as they walked through the throng's of both Marcher's and refugee's milling around the place. Market he supposed when he looked at the awning's over closed stall's. The smell of rotten meat still left hanging made him want to gag when they walked past it. Even Joe's puppy wrinkled it's nose up at the smell and whined.  
  
Hawke heard his sister ask Joe something, but the woman's word's where slurred when she spoke, her foot step's getting slower the further they walked. Her fever was hitting her, he needed to get them to Gamlen's place and soon before she fell over. Carver nudged his arm holding his hand out for the key's, and Hawke passed them to him, hoping Carver would find this place before Joe's fever consumed her.  
  
His brother ran off in the direction their uncle had pointed then looked over at his sister and Joe. Bethany's face was pained as she held Joe's puppy in her arm's, he knew she wanted to brace the woman as she swayed like a drunkard through the market. Luckily people where avoiding them, keeping their distance from the swaying sweat soaked woman. Her breathing becoming more laboured when they walked up a set of steps right outside a tavern.  
  
Joe blinked her eyes slowly, and nearly stumbled on the last step, bracing herself on the wall. Hawke bit the inside of his cheek hard, trying not to put his hand's out to hold onto her as she stumbled again. Bethany let out a pained choke when Joe stumbled one last time and collapsed onto the ground, sweat pouring down her face, cleaning most of the grime away from it. He had no choice now, he had to pick her up, he had to touch her to get Gamlen's place. He knelt down next to her, gingerly putting his hand's under her arm's, lifting her up from the ground, hearing her laboured breathing when he slowly hoisted her to her feet.  
  
She shook against him when she lent on him, her body going both ridged then relaxed then back to ridged when they slowly walked. Bethany ran ahead with the puppy to find Carver, and Hawke could feel Joe slipping down his side, her feet stumbling again and he caught her before she could fall over again. Joe let's out a pained gasp when he picks her up, feeling her shake hard against him, he had no choice but too when he sped up his walk to where Bethany was waving at him pointing up a set of stair's.  
  
Carver popped his around the door and pushed it open wide, the look on his face spoke volume's as Hawke slowly made his way up the step's and into the hovel. For that's what it was, a fucking hovel, with dirt for the floor. Maker, even the places they lived in Ferelden when they had to move often, were nothing like this, and they were poor! This was worse then poor, this was a shit hole wrapped in more shit!  
  
Carver opened another door at the back of the place, shoving it open wide allowing Hawke to walk slowly though, then wrinkled his nose up at the stacked bed's pushed against on wall. Means they would all be sharing a sleeping space, they haven't done this since the twin's hit 13. Hawke puts the fevered woman on the bottom bunk, her body still shaking, he didn't know whether it was from the fever or that fact he was touching her, probably both as he laid her out on it.  
  
"Bethy, get a jug of water and full bowl please. And if there's any clean rag's out there, them as well. Carver," he shouted making Joe flinch even in her fevered state, "See if there's any clean clothes and blankets. Thank you."  
  
The twin's nodded and scampered around the hovel to find what he needs. He would let Bethany wipe Joe down before he could lance the fever before it got worse. Joe's body was both hot and cold, not a good sign at all. He hoped to the Maker she wasn't tainted like Wesley, he didn't think he could cope with that right now. It's been over a month with her like this, a month of being covered in Maker knows what, having to spend time shut in the ship's hold from being at Ostagar. Over a month, he had no idea why she hadn't fallen sooner, how she was even surviving any of this, let alone what happened to her before.  
  
Carver came back into the room, carrying both blanket's and clothing and puts them on the top bunk, Bethany not long after with the water. She waves her hand at them both to leave so she could tend to Joe, and both Carver and Hawke left them alone to look about the hovel they would all be living in from now on.  
  
*****  
  
Hawke puts the rag down that used to be his robe and wiped the sweat away from his face. Both he and his brother cleaned the entire place from top to bottom, twice, with Bethany coming out the bedroom every now and then to get fresh water from the pump outside or taking the handful of rag's from her older brother.  
  
He never asked her about the look on her face every time she came out, but he saw the sadness behind them when she looked at him before going back in. Neither of them had to deal with what she did, and he knew it pained his sister to look at it. It pained him for fuck's sake. Hawke sat back on his haunches, dropping the rag into the dirty water, and huff's out in annoyance looking about himself. Their uncle hadn't returned, but a messenger arrived instead a few hour's before, noting that both he and Carver where needed the day after next for 'Work.'

Work, which meant their indentured servitude was now going to be in full swing. Bethany wasn't summoned and neither was Joe, but it was the Hawke's that where indentured not her.  
  
Hawke looked over at the bedroom door as it opened again, and Bethany waved him in, finally, after hour's of her being in there. Bethany put her hand up before he could enter and he frowned at her why.  
  
"Just, just don't stare too long, okay," she whispered to him, "Brother, just don't get too angry."  
  
Hawke crossed his arm's over his chest and frowned even more at her, "Bethy, you know me better then that."  
  
"Yes I know, but I know you loose your temper to often. Don't think we don't see it, brother. Just, reign it in for a little while when you tend to her, okay."  
  
Hawke sighed out through his nose and nodded to his baby sister, she wasn't wrong on that account when she let's him through, he would always loose his temper when it came to Templars, or the other dark virtue's out there. Maker, his record wasn't exactly spotless when it came to butchering Templars to keep them away from his sister, or having to service a few people to keep them away from his family. A price he would pay time and time again if needs be, even if he hated doing so. Sucking cock was not his favourite thing at all, which is why he was thankful the ship's crew didn't want it but his healing.  
  
He pulled up a chair that sat next to a ratty looking table and sat it down next to the bunk, he wasn't going to stare, he promised Bethany he wouldn't, but he couldn't help it as he sat down slowly. He bit his cheek hard when he looked over Joe's back, the scar's criss crossing each other from shoulder blade's downward under the cotton vest, under the blanket wrapped around her. Scar's ran down from the top of her arm's down to the wrist, stopping just before the height of a sleeve of a shirt. He noted that some where deeper then other's along her arm, there was no way a Templar did all those.  
  
Hawke sucked in a deep breath putting his hand out over her head, feeling the fever running rampant in her body. Her breath's where still shallow but definitely a lot better then they where several hour's previous. He pushed his healing into her more, flushing out wound's that hadn't healed properly, that he couldn't heal properly on the ship. Her infection was still there, but not as much, as he flushed out more wound's. Her breath hitched when he pushed further, and she rolled onto her back, her eyes still clamped shut, and his hitched too looking at her grime free face.  
  
Her face had the air of nobility about it, but yet hardened. A scar running over both her lip's down to her chin, which was perfect in his opinion, so where her cheek bone's and brow. Her face matched the robust nature of her body, which he was thankful it was covered under the blanket and clothing, but yet soft at the same time as she slept. Her hair was light brown now that the dirt was cleaned from it, but her face, it was definitely nobility and something else. It made him angry looking at the scar's on her, how could someone like her be subjected to year's of torment?  
  
Hawke bit the inside of his cheek even harder, tasting the coppery tang of blood over his tongue when he licked away the sting in his mouth. If his father where alive, he would of stormed every circle in Thedas, he would of stormed the King's castle in Denerim to demand why this even happened. Hawke would of followed him and set the world on fire, because this, this was worse then he thought it would be. And she's not even from a circle! This was someone under the King's care, this was someone who should of been treated a hundred time's better then his brethren in those circular wall's. If this was what is was like on the outside for a mage under care, then what the fuck was it like on the inside for them all?  
  
He knew she had them when he tried to heal her, he could feel every tug and pull as he quickly examined her. He knew someone had raped her, but the fucking flame haired woman did nothing to stop it. Her husband did nothing to stop it, and he wanted to know why. He would demand to know why from the woman, why she didn't step in when she knew what was going on, when her own fucking Templar husband knew. Hawke wanted to spit, he wanted to rage and fight, he wanted to set everything on fire, sending lightening from his body into everything around him. He  
wanted to take Joe into his arm's and just hold her there, never letting the woman go.  
  
A soft boof by his feet made him jump slightly, the tiny puppy putting her paw's on the bed trying to jump up to Joe. Hawke took his healing hand away from her to pick the tiny bundle up, tickling her behind the ear's. The puppy whined and licked his face, making him smile before putting her next to Joe. He's never seen a Mabari puppy that small before, she was definitely the runt of the litter, a survivor, like her owner. Two thing's finding each other in the depth's of depravity. The puppy whined again, putting her nose against Joe's face, and licked away the tear's that Hawke didn't notice roll down the side of her face.  
  
Hawke almost jumped again at the knocking on the front door, and he groaned internally at it when he rose from his seat to go see who it was. Bethany had her nose wrinkled looking at the letter in her hand when he stepped into the living come kitchen come dining room, and groaned again when she shoved the letter into his hand.  
  
"They want me to come with you when you, work," she sighs out slumping on the ratty sofa in-front of the fire, "Least they didn't ask for Joe."  
  
"Makers breath, I don't think she should be left alone with Gamlen when we do this, Bethy," Hawke murmured sitting next to her and then frowned looking over his shoulder, "Where the fuck is Carver?"  
  
"Buying food, because dear uncle has none here. And when I mean none, I mean it. Not even a stale loaf of bread. It's like he just got this place and left us here!"  
  
"Wouldn't put it past him," Hawke murmured again, crinkling the letter in his hand before tossing it into the fire, "Probably be better if we didn't have to deal with him, Bethy."  
  
*****  
  
Gamlen, had indeed abandoned them when a letter arrived a few day's later, cursing them all once more for letting his sister die. Telling them all to never to speak to him again, to never find him in Kirkwall, because he didn't want to know any of them. He left them the hovel he used to live in, that was the only kind thing he did, even if it was a shit hole, but all of them would make it their's till the servitude ran out in a year's time. At least he left his ratty furniture behind, as well as boxes of junk they still needed to go through.  
  
But all that could wait till they finished their 'work', as Meeran put it politely as he could. The man didn't ask after Joe, which Hawke was thankful for, she was still feverish but looking much better. Bethany was allowed to stay in the same bunk as her, as long as they didn't touch. The bed was wide enough for the two of them to sleep comfortably away from each other, but he and Carver had to fight for space on the top bunk, to which Hawke just relented and slept on the floor instead.  
  
Joe muttered one night to Bethany while they thought everyone was asleep, that she wanted to call her puppy Lady Mutton Chop's, which made his baby sister snicker. Even Joe quietly snickered at the name, but the puppy was the cutest little grey and black thing any of them had seen. Carver said the puppy was more then a runt, more like a dwarf Mabari, he was also a little jealous the pup had imprinted herself onto Joe, and the woman, loved her greatly.  
  
Hawke had to hide a smile and a snort from hearing the puppies name when he laid there awake, trying to find a good position to sleep on the floor, but gave up that night and just stared at the ceiling all night long till the first ray's of wintry sun came into the room.  
  
A few night's after that, he found Joe sitting in the sofa in-front on the fire, Mutton's on her lap, talking to the puppy quietly. He listened from the bedroom door as not to disturb her musing with the pup, and found out they where exactly the same age as each other. Their naming day's fell on the same day as they boarded the ship to Kirkwall, the same exact day. Mutton would boof occasional at the thing's she spoke of, either agreeing or disagreeing, but it made Joe giggle quietly, stroking the puppy behind her ear's. But it also didn't stop the pain behind her eye's whenever she thought no-one was looking.  
  
A survivor. They all were.  
  
Just one year.  
  
Just one year of servitude and then they would be free to do what they pleased, but even that, came at a price.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - The thousand yard stare AKA PTSD, Non-Con element's, body horror.

**Eleven Month's Later.**  
  
Joe slip's out the door and runs. She runs down the step's outside the tavern, her leg's carrying her away. She runs through the Lowtown market, Mutton at her heel, her tongue lolling out the side of her mouth as she keeps up with her mistress. Joe pounds her feet up the Hightown step's, the wind rushing past her ear's the harder she runs.  
  
_'Run, little whore.'_  
  
Her feet feel like they barely touch the ground when she goes around the square, a small tree planted in the centre, yellow rose bushes ringing around the thing. But Joe doesn't see as her mind goes blank.  
  
_'Disgusting.'_  
  
She runs through the Hightown market, the stall's still closed. She runs past no-one in the early morning light, when she goes back down the Lowtown step's.  
  
_'Should of killed you when I had a chance.'_  
  
Joe's feet pound the ground beneath her, building's whizzing by, her dog still at her heal. Her feet push down harder, feeling her leg's begin to burn, but she still runs.  
  
_'Ugly bloody half-breed bitch.'_  
  
Her body feels nothing as her mind is blank, her eyes dead ahead when she goes down the dock's.  
  
_'Filthy dog. Filthy fucking dog, look what you did!'_  
  
She runs past the dock's, past the warehouses, her feet pounding hard on the ground when she goes back to Lowtown. Mutton's slowing slightly unable to keep up.  
  
_'The woman on-top of her, her milky white eyes starting into her own. Her mouth open, black blood oozing into hers. She can't scream, she can't move.'_  
  
Joe's breathing gets ragged when she goes back up the Hightown step's. But her mind is blank as she stares ahead.  
  
_'Darkspawn feasting, the sound's of flesh being torn away. Blood dripping down their face's, they barely see her when she watches them.'_  
  
Her thigh's are burning, the smell of incense from the chantry rolling her stomach when she runs by.  
  
_'Cailan's body lifting in the air, the Ogre snorting in his face before crushing him in it's grasp. Blood pouring from everywhere. Pouring and pouring and pouring-'_  
  
She closes her eyes going back down the step's, her mind seeing but not seeing anything as she runs by. Mutton had left her to go back home sometime ago.  
  
_'- and pouring and pouring, flowing into the virgin white snow. Blood seeping into it, flowing into river's of red. Screaming so much screaming. Why wont they shut up!'_  
  
Her feet take her back down to the dock's, but she doesn't see. Her eyes still closed when she goes under the bridge again.  
  
_'The tang of lyrium on his breath. The sweet smell hitting her nose when he breath's against her neck, his finger's in her arse making her plead for him to stop.'_  
  
The sun rising over the Gallows, layering red and pink over the dock's and Joe's breath stutters.  
  
_'White snow blossoming in red. The blood seeping from the mud like the bud's of a flower. Eyes staring at her, milky white, as Darkspawn push their hand's in the bodies laying everywhere. Meat chunk's drop onto the floor as a woman tries to crawl away, her face etched in fear. A Hurlock grabs her by the leg's, pulling her towards him. Eliam's pushes her face into the ground as he fuck's her, the lyrium running down her back into her face. The blue liquid pouring from his half there face, the Darkspawn running past ignoring them completely-'_  
  
Joe fall's onto the ground when she collides with someone, the snap of their magic, the pull of the fade in them makes Joe pant out. The person she knocked over is asking her something, she can't tell if their yelling or not, the blood rushing through her ear's was blocking out any noise.  
  
A hand on her shoulder makes her scream out, backing away from them. Joe couldn't breath anymore when she feels herself curl up into a ball away from them. Their asking her something quietly now, but Joe just pants into her knee's.  
  
"-lm down. I'm not going to hurt you."  
  
Joe shakes her head at the voice, it sounded loud in her ear's.  
  
"I'm a healer, okay."  
  
Joe lift's her head up slightly, her eyes going over her knee's to look at the voice in-front of her. Honey brown eyes meet hers, but it was the flick of blue behind them that made her blink hard at them. His face is tilted looking at her in sympathy, his strawberry blond hair flopping slightly into his face when he sits back down on his backside, then rubs his knee, wrinkling his nose up at it.  
  
"Maker, you hit me hard," he chuckles out sending healing into his knee, then to his back, "I didn't even see you coming. Sorry."  
  
"For what?"  
  
He looks up at her and smile's softly, "I think I broke your concentration. And, I didn't mean to scare the living shit out of you either."  
  
"I," Joe swallows hard looking away from him, the pull of his magic was sinking into her, it didn't feel right. It felt, off somehow, "I, I'm fine."  
  
He frowns slightly then goes back to healing the cut's on his elbow's, "I'm Anders, dear lady. Wasn't expecting such a welcome by the way," he grins out at her, the flash of blue again behind his eyes, "Makes a change from being kicked in the head by a Templar every morning, that's for sure."  
  
Joe's eyes go wide at him, her hand's flopping to the ground as her jaw drop's, her feet sliding along the ground, "Your a circle mage?" she asks quietly.  
  
"Was," he grins out then frowns at her, "So where you, apparently. Escape from the Gallows?"  
  
"Er, no. Nor Kinloch, nor anywhere else. It's," Joe looks away from him, looking down at the water lapping against the dock, "It's complicated."  
  
"Free mage, just like me," he grins again. Maker he grinned allot.  
  
"Yeah, I suppose so," she mumbles out, "Free with a price."  
  
Anders chuckles again as he stands, then offers his hand to her, "So, pretty lady, do you have a name?"  
  
Joe looks at his hand and flinches at it. Anders pulls his hand back then step's back slowly from her. She let's out a long sigh through her nose, pushes up from the floor, and then she feels the blood run down her leg. Joe looks down at it, the blood seeping into her boot, her body begins to shake the more she stares at it, her mind started to go blank watching it roll onto the ground from her calf.  
  
"It's alright, I can heal it."  
  
Joe shakes her head stepping back from the blood on the ground, but it follows her, mocking her, she wants to scream at it to go away. To leave her alone. Her breathing begins to shallow out again the more she watches it follow her, her finger's digging deep into her thigh's.  
  
_'Pouring and pouring like liquid fire, seeping into the ground setting it ablaze with it's foulness. The smell, oh maker the smell-'_  
  
"It's alright. Take a deep breath, let it out slowly through your nose. Breath in through your mouth, let it out slowly."  
  
_'-the smell hit her nose. The warm bread making her stomach growl. Alistair left them on the stone's again. The bottom would burn. Lamb and pea stew against her tongue when she takes a spoonful, Alistair's smile when he finishes his third bowl.'_  
  
"There you go. Take it slow."  
  
Joe blinks her eyes, feeling the wet against her lashes, running down her face. She blinks again then looks at the man in-front properly and notice's the uniform he was wearing.  
  
"Your, your a Grey Warden," she says out slowly to him, her finger's loosening their grip on her thigh's looking at the Gryphon symbol on his armour, "You, weren't at Ostagar, were you?"  
  
"Oh no I was. Got dragged there by Senior Enchanter Wynne and Duncan," Anders looks at her, and she sees the dawning recognition in his face, "Maker's breath your the one that fucking arsehole dragged off. The one in the archer's uniform!"  
  
"I, yes. He's dead."  
  
"Well thank the fucking Maker for that."  
  
Joe blinked at him again, a small smile crept up her lip's and nodded slightly at him. She was thankful he was dead too, but still didn't stop the nightmare's from coming, still didn't stop her from feeling his lyrium tanged breath on her neck every other night, his hand's touching her, pulling her about. Didn't-  
  
"Breath, it's alright."  
  
Joe breathed through her mouth, clamping her eyes shut, her finger's twitching against her again. She opens her eyes slowly at him, her heart pounding in her chest like she ran for mile's again. The blood in her ear's calming down when she looked down at her leg once more and sucked in a deep breath through her teeth, "Ow."  
  
"Ow indeed. I think I got the brunt of it though," he smile's at her, offering his hand with healing again. Joe sucked in another breath and shook her head at him, his magic still felt off, more deeper then it should be. Anders nodded and lowered his hand again, then looked up at the dock's step's. Joe looked up it too and let's out a sigh of relief when Hawke came bounding down the step's to her, Mutton's following at his heel. And she heard Anders gasp out when she looked back at him, a blush tinging his cheek's the closer Hawke got.  
  
"And who the fuck are you? Get away from her!"  
  
*****  
  
Hawke stood at the top of the dock's step's and looked down at the man putting his hand out to Joe. Blood boiled in his vein's when he spot's the blood running down her leg, a small trail leading away from her on the ground. Mutton whined next to him, pushing her nose against his boot making him look down at her, "I'll deal with it, little one, don't you worry."  
  
Mutton boofed and trotted down the step's with him as he bounded down them. The anger roiling through him the closer he got. The other man lowered his hand and looked up at him, and Hawke heard him gasp at him, a blush going over his cheek's. Hawke wanted to spit at him, even with the tug and pull of his magic. Joe looked at him too, a small smile graced her lip's at him as she sighed out, then she looked back at the other man.  
  
Hawke stalked over to them both, his fist's clenched at his side ready to strike the man down.  
  
"And who the fuck are you? Get away from her!"  
  
"Er, I didn't do anything?"  
  
Hawke narrowed his eyes looking down at the shorter man, looking over his armour. The Grey Warden Gryphon on the front of it, as well as on his shoulder. The pull of his magic felt off to Hawke when he stood beside Joe, then looked down at her, "You alright? I was worried, Joe," he mumbles to her, "Mutton woke me up."  
  
Joe looked down at the ground and shuffled her feet, he knew what that meant. She went out running again, on her own, around this piss-hole of a city, with Mutton in tow. Hawke let's out a sigh at the woman but smile's at her when she looks back up at him to say, "Sorry."  
  
"Maker, don't be Joe. But who the fuck is he," Hawke pointed at the man, a sneer climbing up his face. Anger boiled through his vein's again when the man backed off slightly, putting his hand's up in submission at him. The tinge of a blush was still on his face and Hawke scoffed at it, putting himself between Joe and the man.  
  
"Anders, my name's Anders. Maker your huge!" the man squeaked out when Hawke stepped closer to him. The tang of the fade snapped along his tongue, the pull of magic snapping against his. The pull and tug of another spirit healer was in-front of him, but it felt wrong.  
  
"Orran, I ran into him. I didn't even see him while I was running. Just, collided into each other. My fault."  
  
"I didn't see her either. Was minding my own business, you know, then I ended up on my arse."  
  
Hawke still had his eyes narrowed at the mage called Anders, then let's out a huff at him shaking his head. Hawke put his hand up to stop Anders from saying anything else when he turns back to Joe, who had Mutton in her arm's stroking the dog's ear's. He smiled softly at her when he kneels down in-front of her, putting his hand out where she could see, and she nod's at him, allowing him to heal her. Her magic mingled with his again as he healed the cut on her knee and the one on her thigh, her magic dancing with his gleefully. She let's out a small sigh when he finished, then stands still smiling at her.  
  
"So, er, Orran is it. Look I'm sorry, but I scared the shit out of her. I honestly didn't mean too."  
  
"Hawke, you MAY call me Hawke. What do you do?"  
  
"Er, Hawke, okay then. I went to calm her down, you know, I didn't realise she didn't like to be touched, okay," Anders said out quietly to Hawke when he walked over to the other mage, "Wouldn't be the first time I've seen this," he muttered out afterwards.  
  
Hawke stood in-front of Anders, his height and build over shadowing the shorter lean mage, but he still seethed under his skin. Anders swallowed looking up at him, putting his hand's up in-case Hawke hit him or something, not like he wasn't think about it, but he reigned it in for Joe's sake... for the moment. He crossed his arm's over his chest, making the shorter mage blink at the size of his arm's and Hawke wanted to smirk at him. He could be intimidating when he wanted to be, even for a mage, and he was winning what ever was going to happen here by a mile.  
  
"Look, I don't want any trouble, okay. I was just looking for a woman named Selby or a Kirkwaller called Lirene. Kinda, um, ran away," Anders grinned up at Hawke then dropped it, looking down at the ground, "It's a little, um, complicated on why," he shrugged.  
  
"Ran away from what, your circle or the Warden's."  
  
"Both," Anders grinned again, and Hawke narrowed his eyes again at the flash of blue behind them and he realised what it was.  
  
"Makers breath, you do know your not meant to actually become a HOST to a spirit when your a spirit healer, right!"  
  
Anders eyes went huge looking at him, his feet taking a few step's back, looking around Hawke to Joe then back up at him, "How'd you know that," he hissed as another flash of blue went through his eyes.  
  
"Oh Maker, really? Can't you tell what kind of mage I am?"  
  
"Er..."  
  
"I'm a spirit healer as well. Purpose and Fortitude when I need them, but your's," Hawke pointed at him, his eyes still narrowed, "is neither. What is it?"  
  
Anders balked, his face paling stepping away more, the flash of blue going across his eyes once more as he looked away from Hawke, "It's, um, complicated."  
  
Hawke scoffed shaking his head again, "Fine, whatever. But I warn you," Hawke ground out pointing at Anders again, "You pervert it, I will kill you. Got it. Now come on."  
  
Hawke stared to walk away with Joe in tow, her puppy nuzzling her chin when she goes ahead of him, running up the stair's. Hawke stop's and looks behind himself, his pale blond hair covering some of his face when he looks at Anders, "You coming or what?"  
  
"Er?"  
  
"Oh for fuck's sake."  
  
Hawke rolled his eyes bounding up the step's two at a time, the other mage running to catch up to him and Joe. He pulls his hair out of his face, tucking it in the back of his shirt collar so he could look down at Joe. The woman muttered quietly to Mutton, the dog boofed against her chin and he smiled again at it biting his cheek before looking ahead again. The other mage ran up beside him and Joe, a frown on his face when he looked up at Hawke.  
  
"So, yeah, where are we going?"  
  
"Our home. You can stay there till you find these people. Then after that, it's up to you."  
  
"Um, thanks?"  
  
*****  
  
Hawke opened the door and peaked in, neither Bethany nor Carver where up yet, and he pushed the door open wider stepping in, holding it open for Anders and Joe. The former still had the frown on his face, the later was looking tired from her run. He motioned his hand for Anders to sit anywhere shutting the door quietly as to not wake either his sibling's, neither of which had much sleep over the past few month's as it was.  
  
Anders sat down awkwardly at the table looking about himself while Joe sat down on the sofa in-front of the fire, wiggling each toe when she slipped off her boot's and sock's, warming them. Hawke sat down opposite Anders making the shorter mage blink at him when he turned his head from looking about himself. Hawke gauged him when he lent forward on the table, folding his arm's upon it, gauging him through his magic that snapped like a wild animal caged. The ebb and flow of the fade coming from the man was strong, far to strong for a mere circle mage. And Hawke sat back in the chair, folding his arm's over his chest while Anders leg's bounced under the table, nervous.  
  
"Which circle?"  
  
"Er, what?"  
  
Hawke let's out a long suffering sigh at Anders, "What circle are you from?"  
  
"Kinloch Hold."  
  
Hawke looked sideway's at Joe, and watched her flinch at the circle's name. Anders noticed it too, and cleared his throat looking back at Hawke.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Then you should know, that taking a spirit into yourself is just asking for trouble. Even I'm not that fucking stupid."  
  
"Not like we had a choice," Anders muttered out looking down at the table.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Not like we had a sodding choice. Was either that or we both die," Anders sat back in his chair and huffed, his finger's tapping the table still not looking at Hawke. Anders let's out a sigh stilling his finger's, and looked over at the fire, "He had no way back into the fade. He was stuck and I had a fucking sword in my chest. He saved my life and I saved his."  
  
"How?" Joe asked looking over the back of the sofa, "I mean, how was he stuck? And why in the Makers name did you have a sword in your chest, Anders?"  
  
"It's a very long and rather horrid story. Let's just say thing's went tit's up when I got back to Kinloch only to find it over run with blood mages and abominations."  
  
"Makers breath, how the-"  
  
Anders puts his hand up at Hawke, and shook his head, "Was after Ostagar when we got back there. Well during I should say. Weren't many of us left you know. Me and my Senior Enchanter went back there, utterly devastated, was nothing we could of done to save anyone. Then as soon as we got back with the two Templars," Anders spat the word Templar with disgust, "left, Uldred, another Senior Enchanter decided, 'Oh look, let's start a coup by turning to blood magic!' Yeah like that ever helped any one."  
  
Anders leans forward in his chair, leaning his elbow's on them while he puts his head in his hand's. Hawke could hear him choke back a sob, and watched Anders shoulder's slump when he sits back, his lashes slightly damp.  
  
"They kept us prisoner while they tore the place apart, killing both mage and Templar who wouldn't comply. They almost tore the fucking veil in there while they summoned Maker knows what to, to kill everyone."  
  
"And that's how Justice got stuck," Joe asked him holding Mutton against her chest, her eyes wide listening too him. Hawke bit his lip hard, this was not what he wanted to hear, blood mages killing their own because they could. Maker, was he ever glad he wasn't in one more then ever now.  
  
"Yes. He... wasn't the only one pulled through. He, tried to help but it exhausted him. And I ended up with a sword in my chest when a Templar thought my cut finger was sodding blood magic. Justice, saved my life and I saved his. Faith saved Wynne's life as well," Anders shrugged his shoulder's.  
  
"What about everyone else?" Hawke asked him.  
  
"Almost all the circle was dead, only a few of us where saved by Alistair and Cousland. If it weren't for them, Maker knows where we would be right now. Plus, I was the only Grey Warden mage they had, so they had to save me you know," Anders grinned then stopped looking back down at the table, "I ran away when we managed to deal with the Archdemon. I didn't stay for the pomp and circumstance. Not with Justice in tow."  
  
"Is he," Joe stuttered standing up from the sofa, making Hawke frown at her, "Is he still alive?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Alistair," she whispers out to Anders, clutching Mutton closer to her. Hawke frowned more at her, this was the first of hearing she knew someone else from Ostagar, not like she spoke about it. He understood, even his brother was loath to even talk about the horror's there.  
  
"Actually, he's been crowned King," Anders smiled out at her, "Thanks to Cousland!"  
  
Joe sits back down, nodding her head, and Hawke frowns even more. He wanted to know who this Alistair was, but he wouldn't push it, she would tell him in time. If she would tell him that is.  
  
He could wait.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Slight PTSD trigger.

Hawke yawned loudly into the room, stretching his arm's above his head on the floor and laid there looking up at the ceiling. They had finally broke free from Meeran, the man was glad to see the back of Hawke, or so he said in less colourful term's three night's previous to all three of them. A year, a fucking year of 'work' and very little pay, their indentured servitude to get them into the city took care of all that money. Money that should of been their's if their uncle hadn't sold the mansion off. Maker was he glad he didn't have to deal with that man at all.  
  
Carver was still snoring, Bethany was snoring less then her twin, they both needed it after being kept up all night with Meeran and his bullshit errand's. Neither twin wanted to deal with the man not even half way through their, work, but all three of them had no choice. Hawke did most of the grunt work, while the twin's did the easier stuff, he didn't mind, kept them both safe while he dirtied his hand's. Wouldn't of been the first time.  
  
Hawke grunted when he sat up and peaked over Bethany and noted, that Joe wasn't there tucked up against the wall but Mutton was, sleeping with her nose pushed into Bethany's hair. Joe wouldn't of gone running with out her pup, but there where no voice's coming from the other room. Not even Anders. Hawke frowned as he stood, sending a quick rejuvenation through him before leaving the bedroom. They really needed to sort out that junk filled room so they could spread out a little more.  
  
Anders was asleep on the sofa, one of his leg's hanging off it as well as one arm, drooling on the arm of it. Hawke rolled his eyes at the other mage, he still hadn't found the two women he wanted to find the past month he'd been here. But he had started healing the sick around the place, which earned Hawke's respect with the man. Anders even commented he would love to start a clinic, healing the poor and downtrodden because no-one else seemed to give a shit about them. Hawke agreed it was a good idea, even offering his own healing if needed, to which Anders grinned wide at him. Maker, he grinned too much.  
  
The back door opened, the sound of chicken's clucking and Joe telling them to shush made Hawke chuckle slightly. She had an armful of egg's when she stepped in, nearly dropping a few when they rolled around in her arm's. Hawke chuckles again at her face trying to balance everything by picking up one leg, shutting the back door with her bottom, then glare down at the one egg that had jumped out of her arm's.  
  
"Bugger it all," she muttered still glaring at the broken egg on the floor, earning a louder chuckle from Hawke.  
  
"I don't think it wanted to be cooked, Just Joe."  
  
Joe nearly jumped when she heard Hawke, the egg's rolling around in her arm's again. He grinned wide at her, plucking a few from the top, then marveled at how many there were. The chicken's where indeed getting too frisky out back, he'd have to kill one of the rooster's for supper.  
  
"This isn't even half of them. Blimey, I think we could sell two thirds of these and still have plenty left over for days."  
  
"There's more?"  
  
Joe chuckled and clucked her tongue at him, "Should go look. I killed the bossy rooster too, the one that liked to beak Mutton."  
  
Hawke's eyes go a little wide at her. She killed one of the rooster's, she actually killed one. He knew she shied away killing anything at the moment, but he wasn't expecting her to take matter's into her own hand's.  
  
"Makers breath," he sighs out at her opening the back door to see. Indeed there where more egg's, and one dead rooster with no head waiting to be cleaned. The smile that crept up his face when he kept his back to her was getting larger. He bit his lip when he closed the door, his back still at her, and sighed out through his nose slowly grabbing a cleaning cloth to mop up the broken egg upon the floor. He didn't know what was going on with himself around her, he honestly didn't.  
  
"I told you. Frisky little shits."  
  
"Who's frisky and why ain't I getting any?"  
  
Hawke rolled his eyes when Anders poked his head over the sofa's back, a grin on his face when he looked up at him. Joe snorted a laugh shaking her head at the other mage when she sat at the table cleaning the egg's.  
  
"The chicken's. So unless your into that, their out back," Hawke thumbed behind him earning him a screwed up face from Anders.  
  
"Yeah, I'll pass, ta very much."  
  
Hawke sat down near Joe helping her clean the egg's for both eating and to sell them while Anders went to the bathing room. He looked at her sideway's watching her face while she wiped the egg's down, her tongue stuck in the side of her mouth in concentration. Her magic snapped and tugged at his again as they sat near each other, and he wanted to sigh out loudly at it when they mingled briefly, before dancing away. Joe shuddered beside him, her hand's shaking slightly as their magic snapped together, and she sighed out putting the egg she was cleaning down.  
  
"So, I'm going to go see Aveline after-"  
  
Hawke slammed the egg down he was cleaning and sighed heavily through his nose at Joe, "Joe, I don't thi-"  
  
"She was my friend, Orran. The only other person I got to speak with at Ostagar. Maker, it's been month's, and I'm going."  
  
Joe pushed away from the table knocking the chair over and stormed into the shared bedroom. Hawke sighed heavily again looking at the broken egg upon the table top, watching the broken yoke bleed into the white. The last time they both went to see her, Hawke lost his temper at the woman when he saw she still had her dead husband's shield on her back. She threw him out of the barracks when he threatened her. And now Joe was going back to see her? It wasn't his place to deny Joe that, but still, it wasn't a good idea.  
  
Anders rolled one of the egg's in his hand, biting his lip looking back and forth between the bedroom door and Hawke. The shorter mage wrinkled his nose up putting the egg in the basket before sighing, "I can go with her, if you want. I still need to find Selby and Lirene, so we can, um, look together?"  
  
"Sure, fine, whatever," Hawke groused putting the rest of the egg's away, leaving some for themselves. He, Carver and Bethany needed to find proper work now they weren't shackled to Meeran, and if Joe was going to Aveline, then today would be a good day to start looking for it. He just hoped they could find something, and that Joe didn't slip talking to Aveline.  
  
*****  
  
Joe watched Anders heal another refugee, the fourth one since leaving home an hour ago, and no doubt he'd been healing more before she got to the Guard barracks. The man was as soft hearted as Alistair, Anders grin rivaled that of his as well, always grinning. Maker he really did grin far too much. Joe knew he was grinning to hide the pain behind them, she did the same thing before-  
  
Joe shook her head and lent of the wall watching the other mage heal the young boy, there where far too many people in the city who needed help, and hardly anyone was doing anything about it. It made her feel sick, these where her countrymen, these people where forced here like she and the Hawke's were, like Aveline was, but they managed to save themselves. These people where suffering, starving, dying all because the Marcher's didn't give two rat's about their Ferelden cousin's. Joe looks away from Anders to Mutton, the dwarf puppy was looking up at her, tongue lolling out, stubby tail wagging making Joe smile at the dot on the ground.  
  
Joe barely remembers some of the thing's at Ostagar, except in her dream's, except when she runs to try and clear her mind, which doesn't always work. She wasn't running away, she was running towards. Towards what, she didn't know yet. One day it might slip into place, it might not, but either way she liked to run because it felt free.  
  
"Joe?"  
  
Joe blinked her eyes, Anders was standing in-front of her, his head cocked a little, concern written on his face. Joe frowned, then felt her damp lashes sticking together when she blinked again, "Oh. Um, I'm fine. Are you done?"  
  
Anders heaves out a long sigh looking about himself, "For the moment. I'll have to find somewhere to set up a clinic, if I can bloody well find Lirene that is. Selby has apparently gone underground, whatever that means."  
  
Joe shrugged and pushed away from the wall, heading towards the Hightown step's. Her stomach was knotting at the thought of going back up there, but it was Aveline she was going to see, not heading to the Templar ladened chantry. Not like she would go in there anyway, she hated going to a place where your supposed to worship, you could do that anywhere! Joe grunted when she put her foot on the first step, then froze as the sound of armour clanked loudly behind both of them.  
  
Mutton growled next to her and Anders stiffened, "Joe, move," he whispered to her stepping down from the step.  
  
Joe closed her eyes biting her lip as the sound came closer, she couldn't, she couldn't move at all. She stood there as the sound came closer, Mutton whining by her feet. Joe's mind went blank, her breathing getting shallow when the clanking was almost on top of her, but all she could see in-front of her was nothing. _The snap of lyrium getting closer and she wanted to scream, feeling it on her neck, running down her face, the blue liquid setting fire to her clothes when it runs down her chest._  
  
_The sweet tang moved past her, ignoring her, but she could feel it running down between her leg's, seeping onto the ground being soaked up by the blood in the snow. Bead's of red mingling with blue. Darkspawn lapping up the purple tainted liquid letting it run down their face's as they ignore her._  
  
"Breath Joe, slowly."  
  
_She couldn't, she couldn't breath, she was being crushed by the bodies on-top of her, their hair falling into her mouth, wrapping around her neck like the dog collar. Her finger's digging into the hard ground beneath her, searching, finding, digging till she found something wet under them._  
  
"In through your nose, out through your mouth. Slowly, slowly Joe."  
  
_The boat rocking, the wailing and moaning of the dead as they sit there like statue's, waiting for the wooden coffin on the water to sink. Their milky white eyes staring at her, Sword's of Mercy stuck in their chest's. Black blood flowing down onto the floor, the smell, oh Maker the smell, I can't-_  
  
"-I can't, the smell it's too much!"  
  
"What smell Joe?"  
  
"I, I," Joe blinked her eyes at Anders kneeling down in-front of her, Mutton cocking her head next to him, "Everything."  
  
Anders slowly nod's his head, looking up the Hightown step's to where the Templar troupe vanished around the bend, "Karl was like that, Joe. He couldn't stand the smell of lyrium for a long time," he muttered quietly when he looked back at her, "Nor the sound those fuck-head's armour made."  
  
Joe blinked at him again, and slowly nodded her head at him, "Was?" she asked him and realised she was sitting down on the floor, her finger's felt sore when she looked at them, "Oh."  
  
"May I?" Anders asked her softly.  
  
Joe frowned looking down at her finger's, and nodded slowly at him. Anders gave her a small smile back and held out his hand for her, allowing her to come to him.  
  
"Karl was taken away a long time ago, I haven't seen him in year's. I thought they brought him to Kirkwall," Anders mutters out, his hand's hovering above Joe's, "was another reason why I came here. To find him. Was why I was hoping to talk to Selby about it. If he's dead, then he's better off where he is then being alive stuck here, or worse."  
  
Joe looked down to the bustling Lowtown marker, nobody even gave a damn what two people where doing in-front of the Hightown step's, "You loved him," she mutters out.  
  
"I, yes."  
  
Anders takes his hand's away from her, dropping them against his thigh's when Joe looks back at him. She bites her lip again before standing looking up the Hightown step's once more, her finger's twitching against her thigh's when she takes the first step again, "I want to see Aveline."  
  
"Let's take it slow then, okay."  
  
Joe looks over her shoulder at Anders and nod's at him before taking another step.  
  
*****  
  
The Guard barracks was loud, louder then Joe remembers from the last time she was here. Men and woman dashing about before going on patrol, their armour clanked less then the Templars but it was still loud. She flinched away from a pair when they came too close to push past Anders and herself, they didn't even bother to look who was in-front of them until Anders put up his hand at them so she could pass with out touching either. The guards just shrugged when they went by, not giving a damn, which made Joe feel a little queasy.  
  
Aveline was standing near the roaster board, running her finger down the many piece's of paper haphazardly pinned to it. And Joe noted, she still had Wesley's shield strapped to her back when she went down the stair's. She wanted to be sick at the sight of it, how could Aveline still carry that thing? Joe shook her head slightly when she lent on the wall near Aveline, the fiery haired woman still running her finger down the paper.  
  
"Hello, Aveline."  
  
"MAKER!" Aveline jumped away from the roaster board then grinned at Joe, putting her hand over her chest, "What are you doing here, Joette?"  
  
"I," Joe looked down at the ground and shuffled her feet a bit, kicking away a stone that had managed to find it's way in, "wanted to see you. It's been a few month's."  
  
"I know. I, thought after last time with Hawke," Aveline wrinkled her nose up saying his name, "that you wouldn't. He's a bit dangerous, Joette, be careful."  
  
Joe frowned at her friend, how could she say that? He saved her Maker given life when she was feverish, he gave her a home when he didn't have too. How can she call him dangerous when-  
  
"What do you mean, Aveline?"  
  
"I'm just worried he's going to try and... he's dangerous, alright. He threatened me as well Joette, I don't want him doing the same to you. If needs be, I can give you a home at mine."  
  
Joe's jaw clenched tight, her teeth grating against each other, her blood started to boil at her friend, "Now your worried? Now you want to do something?"  
  
"Joette, I just-"  
  
"NO! DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!" Joe shouted at her, her fist's clenched on her thigh's shaking, tear's threatening to fall down her face. How dare she, how dare she even say this shit now, when she could of helped along time ago, "You didn't help me with Eliam. You just stood by and watched like every other person out there, because I'm a filthy ugly robed dog mage. How dare you! He shackled me in the fucking tent after our last meal together, Aveline. He raped me just before the battle! So you have NO RIGHT!"  
  
Aveline's eyes go wide at her, stepping away with her hand's held up, shaking her head. Joe knows she knows she should of done something, but she never did, nobody every did. Why step in to help a bloody mage when someone else could do it. Maker take the woman.  
  
"Maker Joette, stop, please. I wanted to help, I wanted-"  
  
"NO! You don't get to say it, Aveline. You just let it happen, you all did. And why? Because he was a Templar, just like your husband and I'm fucking filth. Let's hope you don't turn a blind eye to anything here in the city, but I know you will."  
  
Joe spat on the floor before turning away from her now former friend and ran up the stair's, out of the barracks. She's never felt so angry in her life, her blood boiling within her when she runs through Hightown. How could she, how could she attempt to do anything now when she didn't help before. She could of helped her, and Joe would of accepted it, she would of been glad for someone to step in, but nobody did, nobody ever did. She did herself when Eliam was being devoured by Darkspawn. She did it all herself when she woke up in the field of the dead and dying. She did it herself when she walked for mile's away from Ostagar.  
  
"I did it myself," Joe cried out when she collapsed outside the city, into the soft grass below her. "I did it all myself," she cried out again, grabbing clump's of grass between her hand's. "I survived. I did it all," she whispers bowing her head into the soft green, feeling it against her face as she cried against it.  
  
Joe let's her body fall over, feeling the grass lay under her, and rolled onto her back to look up at the sky. She blinked her eyes a few time looking at the fat puffy cloud's slowly going by. She did it herself, nobody helped her do it, she did it. She was the one to walk away numb from Ostagar, from the horror and torment behind her. She was the one who held her own blood against her chest on the silver chain. She was the one who Mutton found and stayed by her side. Hawke was the one who saved her life by bringing her here. Hawke was the one she-  
  
Joe blinked again at the cloud's in the sky, feeling the soft grass between her finger's when she grasped their blade's, letting them caress her palm's. A cool breeze ruffled her hair, touching her face, going over her skin, and she sighed out feeling it. The grass around her blowing gently in the wind, like waves upon water. And for the first time in a long time, her mind was calm when she slip's her eyes closed, and she savoured it, laying there under the cloud's and the cool breeze, the grass under her palm's soft and gentle.  
  
"Maker Joe, there you are."  
  
She opens one eye when a large shadow blocked the sky, relief all over Hawke's face when he looks down at her, and she smile's, she smile's wide at him running her hand's through the grass, "You should join me down here, feels like a feather bed," she giggles out.  
  
She watches his eyes go a little wide before he smiled at her, kneeling down near her, laying his battered staff to one side before laying down himself, his arm's under his head looking up at the sky too.  
  
"Anders told me some of what happened, Joe," he says out quietly to her still looking up at the sky, "Maker, he was freaking out waving his hand's like a madman, thinking I was going to explode or something."  
  
Joe snickered putting her hand's over her face before flopping them down beside her, "I shouted at Aveline, Orran," she sighed out into the sky, "I, did, have something happen to me on the Hightown step's, but Maker I shouted at Aveline in-front of everyone."  
  
"Are you alright," Hawke asks her softly looking at her now, his pale blue eyes searching her face, and she felt her cheek's feel warm looking at them. A flash in her mind of another set of pale blue eyes watching her made her blink a few time's. What the?  
  
"I will be I think, in time," Joe murmur's rolling on to her stomach, laying on her arm's looking at him, "I think I just needed to shout at her to realise, I didn't need anyone to free me, but myself. I did it all myself. Now all I need to do," she sighed out when the breeze ruffled her hair a small smile gracing her face, "is work on the other part's of me."  
  
"The hardest part of all," he said rolling onto his side, his hand mere inches away from her arm, "We'll all be there when you need it, Just Joe, I'll be there."  
  
"Thank you," she mouth's letting her eyes slip closed, feeling truly tired for the first time in year's, "Just let me sleep here, I'm too comfortable to move."  
  
"Take as long as you need. I'll be here."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Discussion's of past abuse and self harm.

Hawke looked about himself in the dwarf's suite, echo's of a dwarven life where scattered about the room, lining wall's. Even the table and chair's echoed the dwarf grinning at him from the opposite side of the table. Born on the surface he said, but he obviously hadn't lost his dwarf sense in the least. His brother was still and arsehole though, but they really needed this job, it could set them up for life if it panned out.  
  
"Now, we need map's, and I heard a rumor that a Grey Warden came into the city a few month's back."  
  
Carver and Bethany snorted at the same time, before pointing to the strawberry haired mage, "You mean him."  
  
Hawke watched the dwarf's eyes go wide at Anders, the man was full blown laughing in his seat, his head thrown back as his hand's slapped the table, "Yeah, him," Hawke grinned out at the dwarf.  
  
"Maferaths ball's," the dwarf shook his head and grinned even more, "Alright then, just the 50 sovereigns to go. I can set you up with some job's that I hear about. Then you save up the coin, and I'll get you joint partnership. How about that."  
  
"Varric," Hawke grinned, "You have a deal. As long as Anders agrees to hand over any map's he may or may not have."  
  
Anders nod's wiping his eyes, then laughs again putting his head on the table, Bethany patting him on the back when he hiccup's.  
  
"Done and done. Now, I may have a job for you," Varric nod's to the door when it opens, "I have a runner who delivers message's and the likes when I need her too. She can give them to you when I get them."  
  
Hawke frowned looking at the dwarf. A runner. She. No it couldn't be. He looked behind himself and let's out a huge gasp when Joe stride's in with a bundle of letter's in her hand's and-  
  
"Maker's breath Joe, where's your hair?"  
  
"SHIT!" Joe squeaked nearly dropping the stack on letter's on the floor, looking at him, then at the twin's, then at Anders, then back at him, "Holy Maker and his sodding bride, what are you lot doing here?"  
  
Hawke guffed a laugh at her face, but it was her close shorn head that he was truly staring at, "Joe, your hair!"  
  
He watches the blush rise up on her face when she walks around the table to Varric, it's the cutest damned thing Hawke has ever seen when she dips her head, dropping the stack on the table, "I did it yesterday while all of you where out," she said out quietly.  
  
"Wait, wait, wait, you lot know each other? Dammit, Bard, your supposed to tell me these thing's!"  
  
Hawke frowned at the dwarf. Bard. Why was he calling her Bard? He called Bethany Sunshine, Carver Junior, even Anders was called Blondie. But Bard?  
  
"Some thing's should remain secret, storyteller," Joe grins tapping her nose, "Like the fact my hair's on your chest keeping it warm."  
  
"Bard," the dwarf smirk's out at her trying to look serious doing so, "I like to have some secrets too, you know."  
  
"Ahh, my mistake. Beggin' your pardon, Master Tethras."  
  
Hawke shakes his head at the banter they where having, she really has began to shine when she came to her epiphany those few month's back. But she still had slip's, she still had nightmare's, she still had moment's of doubt when she looked at herself, but she was going to end up shining as bright at the sun.  
  
"How long you been a runner for Varric, Just Joe?"  
  
She blushes even more, sorting through the letter's, and Hawke couldn't get enough of it, "Um, for the past two month's. I was running past him one morning while he was outside here having coffee, and well, he stopped me on the way back. And so, here I am," she shrugs still blushing.  
  
"Best damned runner I've ever had," Varric nod's at Hawke, "I didn't think a dwarf could run so fast, let alone a half-breed one."  
  
The entire room goes quiet around him, the look on Joe's face fell, the look on Varric's face knew he just said something he shouldn't of when he puts up his hand's. Bethany and Carver look at each other then back at Joe, Anders just looks down at the floor.  
  
"I thought you all knew seeing as- Ahh shit," Varric mutters running his hand's down his face sitting back in his chair, "Sorry," he mutters out at Joe.  
  
Hawke felt hurt she never said anything. It's not like there weren't half-breed elves out there, but a half-breed dwarf was something he's never heard of. And one who's a mage? She was completely and utter unique. And they made her suffer for it? Hawke wondered what else she was ashamed to talk about, she shouldn't be ashamed of this. Maker, this was-  
  
Joe pushes away from the table and runs out the suite and Hawke cursed under his breath watching her run out the tavern. Varric was muttering apologies to everyone, but Hawke didn't hear them when he stood from his seat, feeling his heart pound in his chest. His brother and sister where saying something, but he didn't hear them when he walked through the dwarf's door, ducking to get under the frame. Anders was saying something, but he didn't hear when he goes down the step's to the tavern's door.  
  
A dark hand took his and yanked it away from the tavern door, a dusky voice ran finger's down his spine when a dagger was slipped against his back, "I suggest you leave her alone, sweet-thing," the voice purred.  
  
Hawke pulled his hand away from the dusky one, and kicked back with his foot against her. The dusky voice chuckled when she slipped into the shadow's, "Oh you poor sweet thing," it purred somewhere behind him again.  
  
"Fuck off, she's my fucking friend, bitch!"  
  
"Oh I'm sure she is. Just another pound of flesh, hmm. I think not," the dusky voice purred again, and he once more felt the dagger in his back, "I wont warn you again."  
  
Hawke sneered his lip and closed his eyes, and let's his magic loose around him. He had no time for fucking game's right now when the lightening hit's the woman in the chest, knocking her back against the wall. Her dagger's fell onto the ground when he does it again, her eyes going wide at him in fear. He sneer's even more when he does it again, "And I said fuck off, bitch."  
  
Hawke looks the dark skinned woman over. She had hardly any clothes on herself. Slut, he thought when he stepped away from her, her leg's trying to scramble on the floor away from him. He had no time for this when he leaves the tavern to find Joe, he needed to find her, and that fucking delay pissed him off. He hoped to the Maker he never saw the slut again, because next time, he wouldn't be so lenient.  
  
He looked up the Hightown step's and nodded, Joe would no doubt be in the soft grass again. He was about to bound away down through the Lowtown marker when he felt the tug of familial magic behind him.  
  
"I think you almost killed her, Orran."  
  
"She thought-"  
  
"I heard. The door's not that thick you know."  
  
Hawke looked at the woman sitting on the bench outside the tavern, her elbow's resting on her leg's as her arm's dangled between them. She looked forlorn looking up at him, and it broke his heart to look at when he sat down beside her.  
  
"Why didn't you say anything, Joe?" he mutters out at her, leaning back against the wall, looking up at the sky.  
  
"Not exactly common knowledge. Didn't want anybody to know, but Varric sussed me out right away, was no hiding it from another dwarf."  
  
"But your-"  
  
Joe clenched her finger's on her thigh's standing, pushing away from the bench, "I'm a fucking mongrel? A half-breed mistake? A magic wielding freak of a mage?"  
  
"No," Hawke said out slowly leaning away from the wall, "Unique."  
  
"I... what?" Joe stopped pacing in-front of him and looked at him before blinking a few time's, "I, wait, unique?"  
  
"How many half-breed dwarf's are out there, who use magic?"  
  
Joe frowns at the ground, tapping her thigh's with her finger's before shrugging and slumping back down next to him, "Just me? I don't know. Didn't exactly lead a fantastic life to stop and ask anyone."  
  
"Your not a mongrel, Joe. Makers breath, your like a Satinalia present wrapped a hundred time's, and each layer gets more amazing with each one stripped away!"  
  
Hawke watches the blush rise back up her face, and he couldn't help but smile at it. Her face went even more red when she duck's her head trying to hide the blush, and he chuckled softly at it when it goes down her neck, "And there's another layer. You have no idea how cute you look when you blush, Just Joe."  
  
"OH Maker, please stop."  
  
Hawke leans over to her slightly, "Never," he whispers before sitting back, making her blush even more. Joe hides her face between her hand's and groan's against them, sliding off the bench onto the floor, and Hawke laughs hard at her trying to sink into the ground.  
  
"Your a terrible terrible person, Orran Hawke," she mumbles out from the ground her face still covered with her hand's, "Your killing me here!"  
  
"Is that good or bad," Hawke chuckles out when she slams her arm's down on the floor to stare up at him.  
  
"Both you evil bloody man!"  
  
"Good! Now come on, Varric has a job for me and your his runner. Cant do either with you laying about on the floor."  
  
*****  
  
Mutton sniffed about in the corner of the warehouse, Joe following after her while Anders was being showed around the place by Lirene. They managed to find the woman tucked away in the corner of Lowtown, in a dinky little shop helping the Ferelden refugee's. She was utterly floored when Anders mentioned he wanted to open a clinic in the city to help them all out, a sanctum of healing and salvation for those who would need it. Joe couldn't help feel a swell of pride when the woman bounced on her feet waving her hand's excitedly at the news and ushered them both out to show them several place's he could set up.  
  
This old warehouse was the third one she showed them, it didn't smell musty of old lyrium used by the darker element's of the city. It didn't wreak of old blood either, like the old slaughter house all three of them went no at. But this one, it felt right, even Anders nodded when he looked about the place said it was perfect. Ideally located between Lowtown and the Undercity Joe has yet to venture in. Even mutton approved of the place when she flopped down on the floor and started to snooze. If she liked it, then well, who could deny the approval of a Mabari?  
  
Joe looked over at Anders, the man practically vibrated with excitement when Lirene guided him up to the second floor. And grinning like he always did. Joe rolled her eyes when he shot her a grin over his shoulder before vanishing up the stair's. Maker, he really did remind her of Alistair, just not so bloody moody.  
  
Alistair, she mused sitting down at an old desk that still had old receipt's upon it. King Alistair Theirin of Ferelden, Maker wasn't that a shock to her. The last thing he ever wanted when it was shoved down his neck he wasn't allowed the throne. A bastard son of Maric, the half brother of Cailan, her best friend when they snuck out at night, before he was sent away, to whisper secrets in the old Mabari barn where he was put in often by Isolde, where she was put in often because she played up. Maker did she miss him now more then ever.  
  
But he was King now, ruling a broken country with broken countrymen who where scattered far and wide. Joe wondered if he ever found the love of his life he needed, whether it was a man or a woman, not like he gave either notice even being in the Warden's. She was so proud of him when he strolled through the encampment in his Warden Blue's, his eyes lit up like wisp's when he spotted her, practically running over to tell her everything. But Eliam put a stop to that after the first month, putting himself between her and Alistair. Not like it mattered she still snuck out. Maker take the man, she was glad he suffered being torn apart while he was still alive. It was too quick in her opinion now, she wished she helped the Darkspawn to do so, but she was too shocked by everything around her.  
  
A year and a half now she's been out of Ferelden. A year and half of being free. A year and a half of slowly healing her wound's inside and out. Oh yes, her freedom came a huge cost, one she hoped would never happen again, but if it didn't, if Ostagar had never happened, who knows where she would be right now.  
  
Anders squealed coming down the stair's running over to Joe waving his hand's about. Yup, just like Alistair. Joe wondered if they where related, but shook her head at the notion when Anders flopped on the floor, arm's and leg's going everywhere, still squealing like a girl, "This is so bloody perfect, you have no idea!"  
  
Lirene laughed shaking her head at him, dropping the key's to the warehouse on his stomach before leaving them to it making Anders squeal even more, grabbing the key's and waving them   
about.  
  
"Anders, I have no idea how to deal with you right now. So I wont," Joe chuckled out at him, "Maybe Justice can get you to keep a lid on it, or something."  
  
"He's just as excited as I am," Anders snickered on the floor, the flash of blue going his eyes, "We can finally do something together. Something worthy and righteous."  
  
"Makers breath," Joe sighed out when he started squealing again. Joe also wondered if their relationship was more then Anders let on. It's been a year since they saved each other's life, there had to be something there. Not like she knew what that was even like, she had no idea what that was like at all. All that was a foreign concept to her.  
  
Mutton began to howl when Anders squealed more, making the Mabari wrinkle her nose up before climbing over the top of him to get to Joe. Joe burst out laughing at her pup's face, and Anders when Mutton stood right between his leg's, "Lady Mutton Chop's, I do believe you just broke Anders!"  
  
"And here I though I was the only one giving animal's wonderful name's. I had a cat called Ser-Pounce-A-Lot once, bugger swatted a Genlock on the nose, before the bastard killed him."  
  
"Oh, Maker. Anders that's, I'm so sorry."  
  
Anders rolled his head over to Joe, and sighed out at her, "It's alright. He gave as good as he got. But he was old, and tainted, and went out in the only way he knew how."  
  
"Tainted?"  
  
"Yeah, I took him into the deep road's often with Duncan. The daft git bit into a shriek's leg. He became a full fledged Warden then, I was never so proud of him."  
  
Joe slid of her chair and joined him on the floor, Mutton climbing up her leg to sit on her chest, nuzzling her chin before laying down, "You know, I've never asked. How long have you been   
a Warden?"  
  
"About three year's now. Was a choice of that, solitary or tranquility. I didn't relish the idea of being locked away in a tiny room for a year's, nor the brand. But the Grey Warden's, that meant I could come and go from the tower when Duncan needed a healer with him. Gave me a little more leeway, but not by much. I still had to return to the tower though."  
  
"And the nightmare's."  
  
Anders frowned at her and Joe just shrugged at him, "Alistair told me all about that. As well as increased stamina, appetite, among other thing's."  
  
"Andraste's knicker weasel's, he's not supposed to tell anyone that!"  
  
Joe shrugged again on the floor, stroking Mutton behind the ear, "Well he did. Not like I'm going to spread it about. I certainly didn't at the time, and I wont now. Not like I could tell anyone anyway at the time, not with the leash around my neck." Joe cringed at that, it was more then a leash, it was the dog collar as well. The same one wrapped around her belt as a reminded to never be leashed like that again. Along with her phylactery around her neck she kept hidden.  
  
"You know, you can talk to me about what happened, Joe. It's not like none of that didn't happen in the tower."  
  
"I," Joe frowned looking up at the ceiling, "I know. I know all about what happened behind closed door's," she whispered out to him, feeling her stomach rolling, "Eliam used to tell me all about it often. He wasn't the only one either. Everyone knew and did shit about it. For me, for you, for any of them."  
  
"Have you told Hawke?"  
  
"Not all of it," Joe muttered feeling her eyes go damp. She blinked rapidly to clear her vision, but didn't help much when a single tear escaped rolling down her temple, "Doesn't take much to put two and two together, Anders. Not like he hasn't seen some of the scar's I have. Not all of them where from Eliam either, some of the one's on my arm's are from me."  
  
Anders sighed heavily next to her, scooting closer. Normally Joe would of backed away at someone being that close, but she liked Anders, she liked Justice too when he said 'Hello' at the oddest time's. His deeper mana pool and magic though still made her shiver slightly at it.  
  
"To make you feel like your still alive? I have some of those on my thigh's. Karl did as well. I think most of us did. The worse are the one's on my back. Fuck, I wasn't allowed to heal them and neither was Wynne when I was whipped or caned."  
  
"Caned. A privilege, he used to say, for being my keeper. If it wasn't a cane, it was his fist's or his feet," Joe sniffed her nose as she started to cry. She could feel Anders move closer, could feel his magic try and reach out to touch her but got repulsed away, except, for the pull of the spirit.  
  
"Or get pushed down the stair's. Accidentally knocked into bookcases. Or worse, 'Oh no, my cock's not up his arse, Ser. He fell backwards on my lap.' Yeah, that's a thing."  
  
"How can you make light of any of this, Anders?"  
  
"What else is there but to wallow in self pity. You can either cry, or you can stick your finger's up and say, 'Not any more, you cunt's, I'm better then you.'"  
  
Joe choked out a wet laugh shaking her head at him, "I just don't know how. I'm trying, I really am. But after Ostagar, it all blur's together. I can't tell one from the other sometimes. But I'm trying."  
  
"It will always take time, Joe. Trust me on that. Scar's never truly heal, but they are there as a reminder of how strong you can be."  
  
Both of them fall into companionable silence, listening to the world go by outside the door's. People running to and fro, hawker's selling their ware's, the sound of gull's from the dock's screeching overhead, the sound of Mutton snoring on Joe's chest. There was so much she wanted to say, but didn't know how to say it all. Especially her heritage, other then being a half dwarf mage which everyone now knew about thanks to Varric's slip of the tongue, her heritage was still the biggest secret of all.  
  
*****  
  
Hawke wanted to throw the box across the room, the content's where damning against his uncle. The bastard sold their mother's home off to settle a debt, with fucking Tevinter slaver's! Of all the thing's the man did and hid, this was the most sickening thing. He had no right to sell the mansion from under his mother's nose, no right at all. But now all he had where the document's in his hand acknowledging the legal contract. He needed to get the mansion back some how, for all their sake's.  
  
They couldn't stay here any more not with the Templar patrol's going by day and night. It was getting too risky, especially for Bethany and Joe. He could rip the Templars apart if needs be, but that would just course more problem's in the long run if he did that right outside there hovel.  
  
Hawke sighed, resting his head on the box, he'd have to break in to the mansion to clear the place out. He wondered if the key in the bottom of the box belonged to it, a spare of some sort's, but even if it wasn't he'd still break in and kill them all. He needed something to pound his anger out on anyway after meeting up with the slutty bitch again in the Hanged Man. Varric gave him a note saying this Isabela needed a hand with something, not knowing it was her when he went to the bar, then growled under his breath when they both met again. Both of them walked away from each other, he didn't want to know and she was shit scared of him. Not like he gave a fuck.  
  
But at least there was plenty of room in here now, clearing out most of the junk and sold most of it off for a pittance. The bladed staff he found was perfect for him and apparently his father's at some point. He wonder why Gamlen had it, or why father left it behind. He will never know. But it suited his needs more then battered one he found, or stole he should say. There where still a few more boxes to go through, but he's had enough tonight, he needed to go deal with the slaver problem in the mansion. He wasn't tired anyway.  
  
The soft click of the front door shutting made him frown. Bethany and Carver where asleep, Anders was now at his new clinic with Joe getting it ready, but who the fuck was coming into their home?  
  
Hawke grabbed the staff from the ground and held it firm in his hand, walking quietly to the door. Soft footfall's went around the place on the other side of the door, and then the tug of familial magic made him sigh out when he opened the door.  
  
"Joe, didn't think you be back tonight."  
  
Joe froze picking up her bow, and looked over her shoulder at him, "And I thought you'd be asleep," she muttered quietly.  
  
Hawke rested the staff against the wall and lent on the door jamb raising his eyebrow at her, "MMm hmm. Why you need your bow, Just Joe?"  
  
"Um," she blushed biting her lip looking back at the front door then back at him, "killing...thing's?" she said out slowly.  
  
"Killing what?" his heart began to race at the idea of it.  
  
"Um," she blushed more looking down at the floor, "I saw some slaver's go up to Hightown, and well," she shrugged looking sheepish at him, "I wanted to go kill them?"  
  
Hawke's grin went wide at her. Hightown, where the slaver's were nesting in their mother's ancestral home. Perfect fucking timing.  
  
"Get in your leather's Just Joe, we're going hunting."  
  
*****  
  
The mansion wasn't that hard to find in Hightown. The Amell crest was still on the outside of the place, even it was almost worn away. Amell, he wasn't an Amell, he was a Hawke and damned proud of it. He would change that if and when they got enough money from the expedition to pay for it. A home for them all.  
  
Both he and Joe crept around the place through the overgrown garden to the back. Small light's flicked from inside, a few people moving about within sending out long shadow's into the overgrown ground. Hawke's blood boiled in him when he peaked in one of the window's, the place was a mess, more then a mess, it was almost destroyed. His knuckle's went white on the staff in his hand, he would tear them all apart for this.  
  
Joe peaked her head around from the back of the mansion and waved her hand at him to follow. And Maker, did his heart race at the idea she was helping him do this. She would of done this on her own, she told him, she had no love for slaver's of any kind. But it was the fact she was doing this at all, that made his heart pound wildly in his chest. If she wanted to do this, she was ready to take on more, and that, he was utterly fine with.  
  
Hawke crept up slowly to Joe, the woman had a set of lockpick's out, carefully clicking through the tumbler's on the door. And his heart raced even more. She really was the most unique person he has even known. A mage trained as both a killer, and rogue. He bit his lip with the last click, and watched her push the door open slightly making sure it didn't squeak, then she nodded at him pushing the door open more so he could go through first.  
  
The blood rushed through his ear's stepping into the room, a kitchen he noted, as they both sneaked through it. Another place he'd have to fix up if and when he gets the money. He just wished mother were still alive, but no point dwelling on the past when there's a present to deal with.  
  
Talking on the other side of the door made them both freeze, the flicker of candle light coming from under the door then none, as two people stood outside of it talking loudly into the room beyond. But Hawke couldn't hear what the where saying as the blood rushed around his ear's, his heart beating like a drum, his hand grasping his staff tight in his hand. He hasn't felt this kind of rush in a long time, and he was hungry for it. And Maker take him, if he wasn't getting turned on by it as usual. He needed to reign it in here, with Joe in tow, he didn't want to scare the living shit out her with it.  
  
The two talking slaver's moved off, and Joe let's out a breath beside him taking her bow of her back when she slowly crawled forward to the door. Oh, Maker, don't stare Hawke, don't fucking stare at her backside. You stared, you idiot. Hawke bit the inside of his cheek hard when she slowly pushed the door open, her bow out to one side when she peaked in. She looked back at him and nodded. Hawke grinned wide when he stood up, feeling the magic in his vein's when he pushed the door open wide to the slaver's beyond.  
  
"I do believe your sitting in MY FUCKING HOME!" he shouted at them all, slamming the staff on the ground.  
  
Everyone in the room turned to him, rising quickly from broken chair's and crate's, pulling weapon's and stave's free. And he grinned ferally at them when he let's loose his first cold snap at the men charging him. An arrow of purple hit one square in the chest when Joe ran into the room, her hand pulling the bow string back faster then he could keep up with. Her magic pulling and tugging with his, and it bolstered him when he swung his staff out, slicing one the idiot's who ran at him with a dagger, slicing him straight through his gut.  
  
Hawke slammed the staff down on the ground again, letting lightening swirl around him before lifting up his hand's to call it forth downward. The slaver's where trying to scatter away from the two people felling them. And the blood rushed through Hawke's ear's again, his heart pounding hard when a strike caught on straight through the top of a slaver's head, going through his body before exploding in meaty chunk's on the floor.  
  
"Just give up now, you bloody pricks," Joe rang out from the top of some stair's, "Your out matched, out classed, and out dressed!"  
  
Hawke guffed a loud laugh at her when he swings the bladed staff around his body slicing yet another moron coming for him. Maker, they where like cockroaches slithering out from the woodwork around them. He watched Joe kneel out the corner of his eye, her string pulled back, the bow out flat in-front of her with three arrow's, then she let's it loose, hitting three in the center of their chest's. And she grinned, she grinned and nodded when they went down, and he grinned too at her.   
  
Then she aimed right at him.  
  
Hawke's eyes went wide when she pulls the string back, aiming right at him. He didn't hear what she said when the spirit arrow was let loose from her bow, right at him, but didn't   
hit.  
  
"Andraste's pearly behind, Orran, I said duck!"  
  
"I," he looked behind himself at the dead woman on the floor, a hole right through her head, and his heart nearly pounded out his chest when he looked back at Joe, "I didn't hear!"  
  
"Maker, don't make me do that again," she said coming down the stair's, "she was right on-top of you."  
  
"I didn't hear," he said again the blood rush through his ear's dying down, the frenzy he was feeling ebbing slowly away as Joe stood in-front of him, her eyes going huge at him.  
  
"Blimey, your like whirlwind," she muttered looking about herself, "and I thought I was bad."  
  
Hawke couldn't help but laugh, his heart still pounding like a wild animal in his chest, dropping the staff on the floor. Maker take him, he was glad she was sure shot with her bow, or he'd be dead. Maker take him if he wasn't even more turned on now then ever.  
  
"Just Joe, I owe you one," he laughed out walking to the chair in-front of the damaged fireplace, slumping on it.  
  
"We're even."  
  
"Not even close," he muttered running a hand down his face, trying to stop his heart from jumping out of his chest.  
  
"Fine," Joe snickered flopping down into the other chair, "I'll just keep a tally then."  
  
A tally wouldn't be enough. Not for her. No way.  
  
He slipped his eyes closed, letting his arm's fall away over the arm's of the chair's, his leg's spreading out as he sucked in deep breath's to calm himself even more. He needed to reign it in, he needed too or he'll be running up the stair's to find the bathing chamber just so he could rub several out. Maker take him. Maker take him right now.  
  
"Are you," Maker his throat sounded rough, "are you alright?"  
  
"Actually, never better. Very therapeutic slaying slaver's. Now, if we could please do this to the Templars as well, I think I'd be set for life."  
  
Maker take him if he wasn't getting even more turned on now. His heart started to race even more, his breathing started to get shallow thinking about it. He needed to reign it in. But Maker take him, if his pants weren't getting tight. He had no choice now BUT to find a bathing chamber and leave her here for a while so he could go wank. And that, wouldn't be a short time either.  
  
"We," Hawke coughed clearing his rough throat, "we should get back home," he said slowly, swallowing just to wet his dry mouth.  
  
She didn't say anything, but he felt her magic get close to him. The pull and tug getting closer, mingling with his when she stood beside him. Too close, Maker your too close.  
  
"Orran," she said out quietly at him, "look at me."  
  
He couldn't when he shook his head, feeling his hair slip free from the tie, going down his face. He couldn't look at her, he wouldn't be able to handle it at the moment. He breathed in slowly through his nose, her magic still tugging at his, and then, he felt it. A hand on his shoulder, and his heart nearly leaped out of mouth feeling her finger's gently against his shoulder. It was almost too much, feeling her magic against his skin, but no where near enough.  
  
"Joe," he breathed out heavily, almost panting at the sensation his eyes still clamped shut, "what are you doing?"  
  
"I, I don't know," she muttered digging her nail's hard into his shoulder, "I, want to..."  
  
"Want to want?"  
  
"Feel you," she said even quieter near him, sending shivers down his spine.  
  
Hawke didn't know what to do. She's never done this before, he had no idea what she even meant by it. He didn't want to push her into anything, but here she was, asking to feel him. His heart pounded wildly again in his chest, his breathing even more ragged and shallow nodding his head at her. And his breathing stopped when she took her hand from his shoulder to run down the side of his face to his jaw, her palm and finger's running over his stubble along his chin then back up slowly to the back of his head to his hair.  
  
It was the most beautiful thing he's ever felt. It was nothing like hard callous hand's roughing pushing his head down to shove their cock in his mouth. It was nothing like feeling the rough pad's running along his jaw when he had to do it. He's never felt a woman's touch before, let alone one such as Joe, doing it of her own free will because she can now. His breath hitched when her finger's brushed through his hair, pulling the tie free from it so it fell over his shoulder's. It hitched even more when she carded her finger's through it, hearing her gasp softly feeling it.  
  
"It's so soft," she murmured letting it fall away back onto his shoulder's, "Not like how mine used to be."  
  
"Joe," he whispered out. He had no idea what he wanted to say, he had no idea at all when her finger's went back to his shoulder again, her finger's lightly brushing down his exposed arm, sending gooseflesh over them.  
  
"I-" Joe started but stopped when she got to his hand.  
  
"Joe," he whispered again feeling his heart trying to escape once more, his eyes still shut, because if he looked at her now, that would be it. He would be done for.  
  
"I," Joe started again, her finger's tightening around his hand pulling upward, "I've never done this before," she says out quietly putting his hand against her face, making his heart stop when she gasps out at it.  
  
He couldn't take it any more, he had to look, he needed too. And so, he slowly opened his eyes to look up her, cupping his hand on her face. Her eyes where closed, her bottom lip in her mouth biting it hard, her brow furrowed when he cup's her face even more. Hawke slowly stands from the chair, his hand never leaving her face, his thumb brushing over her cheek making her sigh out at it, pushing her face against it making his breath hitch again.  
  
Hawke slowly as he could puts his other hand on her face, standing in-front of her, brushing down with his knuckles to her jaw. Her lip's parted feeling it, and Maker did he want to kiss her right now, to feel her lip's against his. But he wouldn't push it, no matter how he felt right now. He could feel her slightly shake under his hand's when they both cupped her face, her breathing just as shaky almost panting out at the feeling.  
  
"Joe," he whispers out at her again, and Maker his hand's where shaking as much as her against her face, their magic pulling at each other in a dance, "what do you want?"  
  
"I, I don't know," she sighs out taking a step back from him, and Maker did it hurt when she stepped away unsure, he wouldn't push it, "I'm not sure."  
  
"It's okay. Take your time," he smile's at her when she finally looks at him, "only you can decide what you want."  
  
Joe nod's her head, biting her lip when she step's back again to her bow before picking it up. Hawke turns his back on her to gather his staff, his heart was still racing in his chest when they left the mansion for the hovel.   
  
Even he didn't know what he wanted, he had no idea how to deal with this himself.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Discussions of past abuse, mentions of underage, a little voyeurism and PASTIES!
> 
> If you don't know what a pasty is, it's a british thing. Pastry filled with meats and veggies or other savouries, sometimes filled with a sweet filling. In some cases both: savoury on one side, sweet on the other. And now I'm hungry,

The room still smelt musty, but not as musty as it did when they came through here with the elf. No demon's waiting to jump out at them, no booby trap's, just dead bodies and broken furniture scattered about the place. But he made the room near the front of the falling down building his own, pushing a bed into the corner, putting benches and old chair's around the fireplace. Fenris was drinking down half the bottle before he offered Joe some, but she just shook her head at it gripping the arm's of the chair hard.  
  
Maker did the tang of his lyrium grip at her but not like the small vial's the other's use, not the Templars, it may of been used for nefarious purposes, but the tang of it numbed her tongue. Fenris stared into the empty fireplace, swirling the bottle around in his hand, his white hair flopping down in his face when he looks back at her. His eyes where sad and pained, he knew, she could see he knew, he didn't need to see the scar's to know. He carried his more on the outside then he did inside, not that his anger didn't scare her stiff when they first met him.  
  
From the moment he walked down the alienage step's pulling the man's heart out, to the moment he raged and screamed at Orran and Bethany about being mages, then turned his ire on her, demanding to know what she was. Orran stepped in-front front of her to stop Fenris from pouncing on her when he spotted the collar tied around her belt, yelling and screaming at her calling her a slaver's pet.  
  
Joe crumpled on the ground at the, her leg's giving out curling up into a ball against the wall, saying she wasn't a dog, she was nobodies dog any more, she was a good dog for breaking her leash. Fenris had ran into the falling down mansion at that, hiding the recognition in his eyes from everyone. Orran went after him, and well, two week's later she was sitting in the dilapidated mansion trying to bring herself to talk to the grumpy elf.  
  
"I, apologise. I did not know."  
  
Joe looked at him, her finger's still digging hard into the arm's of the chair and nodded her head at him, "It's, It's okay."  
  
"No, it is not. I have become used to slaver's hounding me for this, filth," he spat waving an arm at her showing her his marking's, "become used to mages abusing their power to take what they need. I did not, I did not realise that-"  
  
Fenris stopped and sighed out loudly into the room, the sound echoing around them. He pulled a large swig of wine from the bottle then stood up, "You are unlike any mage I have met."  
  
Joe let a small smile grace her lip's and watched him lean in the mantle-shelf looking into the emptiness there, "I think, I'll take that as a compliment. I, I haven't really met someone else like me either," Joe sighed shaking her head.  
  
"A half-dwarf mage who uses a bow instead of a staff?" he nodded at her then to her bow leaning against the wall.  
  
"Yes. Not like I got out much, you know."  
  
Fenris nodded again pushing away from the fireplace. He looked at the bottle in his hand then at the wall, and grinned before throwing it against it, "It's good I can still do that."  
  
"Makers breath, are you trying to give me a heart attack here," Joe squeaked out looking at the wine stain on the wall, "What a waste."  
  
"There's more, if your really interested. But I don't believe you are, are you," Fenris smiled at her sitting down on the bench in-front of Joe.  
  
"Not really. I tried it once, and well-," Joe flinched remembering the first time she drank wine at 12, then Eliam taking advantage of her state, the first of many sticking his dick up her arse.  
  
"Danarius used to have me pour it for his guest's while I was chained to him. My appearance used to intimidate them, which he relished quiet often."  
  
Joe's eyes went wide at him, skirting over his appearance: His pure white hair, his emerald green eyes, the young look about his face. The tattoo's that ran from his lip down, the leanmuscles under his black tunic, dusky skin and being tall for an elf as well. And she shook her head at him looking away, "No, your not," she mutters out at him.  
  
Fenris cluck's his tongue and chuckles softly at her, "Oh? I'll take THAT as a compliment."  
  
"I mean," Joe sighs out trying to hide her face between her hand's, "Your, heart ripping out thing is pretty bloody scary. The rest of you-" Oh maker she was digging herself into a hole when he cluck's his tongue again chuckling, "Oh Maker, why wont my mouth shut up?"  
  
"Then maybe we should discuss something else," Fenris smiled out at her when she peak's between her finger's at him holding another bottle in his hand.  
  
"Maker, yes, before my mouth says something really stupid."  
  
Fenris tilted his head at her, then looked down quickly at the collar around her belt, then pointed at his with his bottle, "Why do you wear that if it brings back memories?"  
  
Joe looked down at the dog collar, "Because it reminds me to never be shackled and leashed again. If I do, I'd rather kill myself then let that happen. Or if a friend is kind enough  
to kill me first."  
  
"I, understand. My armour, was a gift from Danarius. I wear it now to remain free from my bond's, to never be leashed again either. I wear it by choice, not by force."  
  
"How can you wield a sword that's twice the size of you," Joe asks him then notice's the small smirk creep up his lip's.  
  
"I trained hard. It's not that difficult to pick up and use when you train everyday with it. I can use dagger's as well," he point's to the one's in her boot's, "and many other different weapon's. But a two-handed sword is what I feel comfortable with. Why do you use a bow and not a staff?"  
  
Joe looked over to her bow against the wall, then looked back at him, "Not too different from you I suppose. I was made to train with it, and the dagger's and the picks. Why have one form of fighting when you can have many at your disposal," she shrugged, "plus I like the bow, feels better in my hand's then some poxy staff, waving it about."  
  
"A dwarf thing?"  
  
"Ugh, really?" Joe scoffed at him.  
  
"It makes sense does it not? Most dwarves I've known use both dagger's and bows, your a half-dwarf," he shrugs back at her, "would make sense. Stone sense too I guess as well. Good a direction's?"  
  
"THAT'S RACIST FENRIS!" she yells at him, gripping the arm's of the chair hard, "I'm not sitting here calling you a Halla rider or a bloody tree-hugging Dalish am I?"  
  
Fenris smirk's at her nodding both his head and bottle at her, "It's true though, isn't it dwarf?"  
  
"Yes you poxy bloody elf. Makers glorious ball's, yes," Joe pouts slumping in her chair, "Don't tell anyone that, please. Bad enough Varric let slip I was a sodding half-breed as it was. Maker, he knew as soon as he saw me what I was."  
  
Fenris clucked his tongue again and smirked, "I will tell no-one. Though," he grins, "you are tall for a dwarf."  
  
Joe pushes out of her chair and glares at him before shaking her head, "That's it, I'm leaving you bloody, poxy, sodding elf!" and walks out of the room Fenris made his own to the stairwell, looking down over the railing at the three dead slaver's laying on the floor below.  
  
"Fasta Vass woman, sit back down."  
  
"Bah," Joe mutters leaning on the railing still looking at the bodies on the floor, "I have a name you know."  
  
Fenris chuckles again leaning against back against the railing, "Don't be so defensive. Though, it is not hard to see that your half dwarven," he nod's at her, "You are robust I should  
say."  
  
"Are you, making fun of me now?"  
  
"Not in the slightest, Joe. Many half-breed elves look nothing like an elf at all, you cannot tell what they are other then human," Fenris shrugs out, "Bah, now my mouth is saying  
stupid thing's."  
  
Joe snorted at him, shaking her head at Fenris screwed up face like he chewed on a wasp, "You'll end up staying like that if the wind changes."  
  
"Old fisher wives tale's," he smirk's out at her, "But none the less, you should come sit back down. I do not think those, bodies down there have any answer's for you."  
  
"I don't know. If I stare at them long enough they might."  
  
"And what answer's do you seek then, Joe?" Fenris asks her, looking over her face.  
  
"When does the pain stop hurting?"  
  
Fenris let's out a long sigh looking down at the ground, "It does not. Only you can decide if you wish it to hurt more then it should or try and move on with your life. I am still working on that. After three year's, I still have no answer's other then I will never be chained again."  
  
Joe looks down at the dog collar, frowning at it, "I'm trying," she murmur's out pushing away from the railing walking back into Fenris' room, "18 year's is a long time to put behind you and leave there, you know."  
  
"I do. And what you witnessed at Ostagar as well. You, are more stronger then you know, Joe. I do not believe many could say the same in that, situation."  
  
Joe frowned at him when they sat back down, "Who told you that?"  
  
"Hawke did. He is very, ornery and protective."  
  
"He just doesn't like, um, bullshit," Joe snicker's out thinking about the whole deal with the pirate Isabela and Meeran wanting him to kill some high-noble, "But I should be the one saying it, he didn't have the right though."  
  
Fenris shrugged picking the bottle up once more, drinking down several gulps before sighing again, "After what happened outside here, he thought I should know. He did not think you would like telling me if we are to, work together. I, for a long time, did not like to be touched either. From both the pain from the marking's and-" Fenris sighed again looking down at the floor, "you understand. I don't think many people do."  
  
"Oh," Joe whispered out, "Do they still hurt?"  
  
"Sometimes, but I use that pain to drive me forward. But," Fenris looked at Joe hard clenching his hand around the bottle to almost a breaking point, "I do not trust mages. I do not trust Hawke nor his sister, nor any other mage out there," Fenris spat.  
  
"Why? Their not going to do anything. Neither am I. I have no desire to chain another to myself after, I, I just can't! It's not right!"  
  
Fenris shook his head at her, pulling another large draw from the bottle, "I trust you more then I trust them. You understand, they do not."  
  
"The only person to ever see the full extent of my scar's is Bethany and Eliam, Fenris. Even Orran has only seen a small portion of them. I hate them, I feel twisted every-time I look in a mirror at them. And I hate myself sometimes for having them, for letting it happen."  
  
"Do not blame yourself for what other's have done," Fenris mutters, "My body was twisted into a weapon. All I remember is the agony when I first woke up, I remember nothing of my life before. What ever there was, is lost. I am a weapon, Joe, a twisted monster of a weapon who's soul purpose was to kill and intimidate, and then to get on my knee's and pleasure my, my master!"  
  
Fenris threw the bottle against the wall, "How can anyone love something like me, when I look like this?" he ground's out waving his arm's at himself, "That, is what I see in the mirror, something that nobody wants other then to use."  
  
"I,I," Joe flinched in her seat digging her finger's into it more, "I'm the wrong person to ask about that," she whispers.  
  
Joe sucked in a deep breath, she really did hate them she hated herself for having them, twisted her body into a monster. How could anyone even find her remotely desirable with all those scar's. She didn't even know what it was like to be loved let alone love someone back, that sort of thing is for fairy tale's and people who are not her!  
  
"Venhedis, I apologise. I thought-"  
  
Joe looked at him and frowned again, "Thought what?"  
  
"You and... it matter's not. I, assumed, forgive me," Fenris said softly, running a finger down his lyrium on his arm, "I will not trust them, but I will watch them."  
  
Joe nodded and frowned even more, what did he mean and who did he mean? Joe pondered that more when they spoke for several more hour's.  
  
*****  
  
The walk to Sundermount was pleasant enough. The wind rustling both the leaves in the beautiful pale twisted tree's, and his hair he just let down, pulling out his ties. The setting sun was warm on his face, letting his eyes slip closed feeling it against his skin. The Keeper was pleasant enough when she guided them to where they needed to go, to whom they needed to see. Even the other Dalish where pleasant enough when they allowed the five of them access to the encampment, even if they did have bows trained on them the entire way into the camp.  
  
The blood mage that greeted them, was not. Her foolishness was what got her kicked out of the Dalish in the first place, let alone slitting her wrist to let them all past a barrier that she erected was even worse. Right in-front of them with no care in the world, until Fenris snarled at her for being foolish along side himself. The small Dalish girl had no idea what she was playing at all.  
  
The dragon lady Flemeth was another thing that was unpleasant, the very last thing he wanted to set his entire nerves and body on edge when she appeared out of the amulet. Her ferally dangerous smile pricking at his skin again, her yellow eyes judging him once more. And again she turned her gaze to Joe, tilting her head to gauge her as well, spouting nonsense from her over wide grin when she spoke to them all.  
  
Maker, was he glad she just turned into a dragon and flew off, leaving them all standing there perplexed at her riddle's. A precipice of change? Learning to fly? Heart of just? Hawke shook his head at it all. Utter fucking nonsense.  
  
The wind ruffled his hair more, pulling and tugging each strand away before whipping them back against his shoulder's, the sun slowly dipping behind the mountain turning the warm air around him cold. Hawke sighed out into the wind, looking over his shoulder at his sister talking to the blood mage Merrill, Bethany giggling with the other girl. Maker, if you corrupt my little fucking sister, I'll rip you in half.  
  
Hawke sneered his lip looking at her, still not a care in the world going wide eyed at his sister talking about something. He couldn't tell Bethany who to talk too, but he will kill Merrill if she turns or corrupts any of his friend's.  
  
He turned his body slightly to Varric and Fenris talking low, the dwarf motioning with his hand's, the lyrium lined elf nodding adding his own copper's worth. Fenris may not like mages but he seemed to respect Joe, which pleased Hawke to no end. He wanted her to go talk to the elf, and Maker take him they spoke for hour's that night and beyond, quietly talking about thing's he couldn't hear. And Maker take the fucking dusky skinned deep voiced elf, if he didn't start trying to seek Joe out, which pleased him to no end, again.  
  
Hawke looked forward again, the colder air cooling his inflamed skin down, pulling and tugging his hair more. Anders he understood, the other mage it seemed wasn't interested in women what so ever any more. Oh yes, an incorrigible flirt he maybe with either sex, but he wasn't interested in bedding woman. And Maker take him, if he didn't find the other mage attractive as well. But still didn't stop Anders from blushing hard when Hawke was near even when Joe was around.  
  
Hawke frowned out into the sky when he looked up, seeing the first sparkle of star's shining in the black. He still didn't know how he felt about Joe, his heart would race whenever she was near, yes, but that was to do with their magic mingling. And the night at his mother's ancestral home when Joe asked to touch him after the fight with the slaver's, which, he still admits turned him on something stupid, every fight does that end's with blood on the floor, dropping onto his face like rain. If she asked that night for him to take her, and Maker fuck him hard in the arse, he would of done it, even if he's never been with a woman before.  
  
He shook his head trying to push those thought's well away from him when he turned round to stride back to the camp that's being set up. Fenris helping Joe with her tent, Bethany and Merrill there's, much to his chagrin, and Varric wrinkling his nose up staring down at the brown canvas.  
  
"It's not going to build it's self, storyteller."  
  
"Maferaths bollocks, it should!"  
  
Hawke chuckled at the dwarf and helped him set up, hearing the soft snicker's from Joe behind him.  
  
"So, Bard and Broody, huh."  
  
Hawke wrinkled his nose up, tugging in the ties on the pole's tighter then they needed to be, "What about it?"  
  
"Seems like one hell of a story behind it. Two people coming together, leaving a-"  
  
"Varric-" Hawke stopped himself before he could do anything to his dwarven friend, and just shook his head, pulling the runner's tight before pegging the rope's down into the ground.  
  
"Alright, alright, I'll drop it," Varric smirked at him taking Bianca from his back, "But, seems like there should be a better story here."  
  
Damn the Maker taken dwarf, "I'm going to get water, try not to let the tent flap hit you on the way in."  
  
Hawke left the snickering dwarf polishing Bianca next to the tent, Bethany and Merrill where still talking and Fenris... was on his own with Mutton. He didn't see Joe anywhere in the camp. Fenris looked up at him and waved a bottle down to the water, and Hawke nodded in thanks to the elf before going down there himself.  
  
The wind ruffled his hair again, making the skin on his exposed arm's gooseflesh, and he thinks about all the people he's gone down on since the age of 18, just to keep them away from his family. Not even a paid service either, just, I'll blow you off if you stop looking at my sister like that. Hawke wrinkled his nose, brushing a tree branch out the way, he hated sucking cock he really did. But the one and only time he ever truly felt something for anyone was Dillian. Ahh, dear sweet Dillian, the man he had a crush on for month's before he plucked up courage to tell him he fancied the pants off him. They fucked like rabbit's for just over a year until his father found out and beat the living shit out of Dillian for taking advantage of him then beat the shit out him for lying to his father about it.  
  
Hawke never understood what his father meant at the time, he was just angry at the him for taking his love away. But wasn't till a few year's later he realised, he was 15 when he lost his virginity to the man, Dillian was 29, it wasn't love, it was lust. So instead of sex sometimes, he blew men off to keep them away from his family, or rubbed several out for hour's after a heated battle or butchering Templars. He may not be a blood mage, but the smell of it always got him off, got him harder then the mountain behind him. Not like he didn't seek a man out for sex when he really really had the desire for it, which wasn't that often any more, but still-  
  
The sound of soft humming stopped him dead in his track's. Hawke tilted his head to listen, the soft humming wasn't a song he knew, and there should only be one person down by the water. Hawke slowly made his way down, the soft humming getting louder, Maker, he hoped Joe wasn't bathing or something, he wouldn't be able to handle that right now.  
  
Clothes where laid out on one of the rock's near the small stream, a bathing towel and her boot's where by the water's edge, and Hawke swallowed loudly at Joe in the middle of the hip deep water, bathing herself, her back facing him. Maker, look away Orran, look away, stop staring. His breath hitched trying to look away, looking at the scar's going down her back, looking at the scar's down her arm's, he couldn't look away from the shape of her body in the water either.  
  
Hawke dropped the water skin, forcing his hand's over his eyes  pushing the heel hard into them not to look, trying to turn his head away. His knee's nearly gave out when he heard a louder splash in the water, hearing her gasp out, hearing water drip back into the stream. _Maker take me right now, take me, take me right now and curse me for the rest of my life, please!_  
  
"Orran?"  
  
_Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck_ , "I'm not looking, I promise," his throat was rough, fucking brilliant!  
  
"Um, let me, let me just-"  
  
Hawke heard her splash out the water, heard the soft rustle of the bathing towel, and pushed the heel's of his hand's into his eye's harder, "Take your time. Sorry, Just Joe." _Fuck, shit, fucking void take it all._  
  
"It's okay. You can look, I'm not, um, yeah, just go get your water, Orran."  
  
Hawke shook his head, pushing his heel's in his eyes more, "I can wait."  
  
"Go get the bloody water, Orran. I still need to bath," she laughed out at him.  
  
Hawke sucked in a deep breath taking his hand's away from his eyes, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood when he bent down to pick up the skin, then went down to the stream.  
  
"Maker Joe, I'm so sorry. I just, I-fuck."  
  
"I should of said something before skipping down here. My fault."  
  
Hawke knelt down, filling the skin up fully before corking it, "I, ugh, I heard you humming. I should of said something then."  
  
"Oh, I see."  
  
_Fucking void it all to the Maker and back up his mother fucking-_ "I'm so sorry." _Wait, she's getting closer, when did she move?_  
  
"It's fine. I, haven't done that in a long time. So, feel privileged? No, no terrible word to use."  
  
Hawke bit his lip hard when she got closer, her magic snapping and tugging at his, his back was still turned from her so he couldn't see her at all and then sighed lowering his head, "It, was lovely. I've never heard a song like that before. I see why Varric calls you Bard now."  
  
"I don't remember where I heard it, but I know I was really young when it was sung to me. Maybe my mum, maybe a nanny, I have no idea. But, I haven't, I haven't thought about it in a very very long time."  
  
"What made you think about it, Just Joe?" he asked her quietly when she stopped moving behind him.  
  
"The mountain's, the stream, the warm sun and breeze. It all reminded be of the song, though I don't remember the word's to it, just the-"  
  
"-sound behind it. Mother had song's like that. She could never remember the word's and just hummed them instead." Hawke clamped his eyes shut, stemming the tear's that wanted to fall down his face. Mother would of scolded him standing here like this, Father would of beat him senseless too.  
  
"Orran, your shaking," Joe spoke right in-front of him, when did she get there?  
  
Hawke sucked in a breath, her magic filling his sense's snapping and tugging at him, the smell of the apple soap hitting his nose, "Sorry," he muttered stepping back from her, his eyes still clamped shut.  
  
"It's okay. I'll, um, yeah I'll go finish, um, up."  
  
Hawke nodded and turned his back on her once more, then bounded up the hillock to the camp. His heart hammered like a wild animal in his chest again, when he got to the camp in less time then he went down to the water, and threw the water skin at Fenris before diving into his tent, away from everyone.  
  
*****  
  
Mutton whined by Joe's feet as they stood outside the chantry, waiting for Hawke and the other's to finish their business within. She had no desire to enter the ostentatious building what so ever. The red and gold made her stomach roll looking at it all, the sunburst emblem staring at her, mocking her when she looks away from it. The same ugly emblem branded on mages forehead's.  
  
Joe wrinkled her nose up looking around the door again, sister's in their fine clothing bustling about re-lighting candle's or giving prayer's with those who bend their knee's in-front of Andraste's statue. She heaved a sigh looking over at her friend's, Hawke glaring at the man in white and gold armour, immaculate hair and blue eyes. A prince supposedly, a prince who's a brother. She wanted to spit at him in his shining armour that could feed all of Darktown and beyond.  
  
Bethany and herself watched the man shout at the Grand Cleric several day's prior, pining a note to the chantry board with an arrow. Joe was impressed at the time with his aim, but now, not so much when Hawke grunted by the door, Fenris and Anders in tow.  
  
"Fuck him," Hawke muttered going down the step's, Anders snickering going after him.  
  
Joe raised an eyebrow at Fenris, who just shrugged and rolled his eyes walking down with her, Mutton playfully trying to nip at Fenris' bare feet.  
  
"Your dog is at it again, Joe," he said deadpanned, but a smirk was playing his lip's.  
  
"Lady Mutton Chop's, he's not a play toy! Maker, am I going to have to run with you later to wear you out?"  
  
Mutton's boofed loudly before running down after Hawke, making both Joe and Fenris burst out laughing when she started playfully nipping at the loose strap on his boot.  
  
"So, this prince?"  
  
"Sebastian Vael apparently."  
  
Joe's eyes go wide and looks over he shoulder to the chantry, "Andraste's knicker weasel's. He's a sodding Vael? OH, I'm glad we walked away from that one."  
  
"You know the Vael's? And Andraste's what now?" Fenris chuckled out, and Joe noted out the corner of her eye Hawke looking over his shoulder to glare at the elf beside her.  
  
"Maker yes. A bunch of uppity Starkhaven royalty who thinks the Maker shines out of there backside's. Or in his case," Joe thumb's behind her, "from Andraste's face on his belt buckle! And blame Anders for the Andraste's knicker weasel thing."  
  
Fenris laughed louder, shaking his head at her then snorted and blushed covering his mouth with his hand, "Kaffas! You did not hear that!"  
  
"Oh but I did," Joe grinned at him.  
  
"Venhedis, do not tell anyone, dwarf. But," Fenris clucked his tongue trying not to laugh again, "his armour was very shiny and, ridiculous looking. He seemed full of himself too. So, you are not the only one glad to walk away from that armoured monstrosity."  
  
"Oh Fenris, I do believe you have claw's!"  
  
Fenris waves both his hand's at Joe then cluck's his tongue again, "State the obvious why don't you. Meow."  
  
Joe looks at his serious expression, and blinks several time's before bursting out laughing at him, "You, oh, that's, MAKER!"  
  
Fenris smirk's briefly before dipping his head and strode away to Hawke and Anders up ahead. Joe just stands there holding her side, trying hard not to laugh again, and then, then the smell hit's her.  
  
Joe freezes in place, the smell of freshly baked Ferelden pasties hit her nose, and her stomach growls loudly at it. She slip's her eyes closed, letting the smell guide her to the stall on the edge of the Hightown market, her mouth watering at it. Maker, it's been far too long since she's had a good ole pasty, and her stomach growled again.  
  
Joe bites her lip when she gets to the stall, looking at the large baked goods, her mouth drooling at the savoury smells. A rather large shadow fell in place next to her, his magic tugging at her, and looks up at Hawke who's just as eagerly looking over the savoury delights.  
  
"Makers fucking cock, pasties!" he grins out to the woman behind the stall who nod's up at him and smile's.  
  
"Serah, I'll take five please," Joe smile's out hearing Hawke bark a laugh above her then ordering the same.  
  
They both walk away holding the brown package's like they where the most precious thing's in all of Thedas, the smells wafting from them making her stomach growl even louder, making her blush when Hawke snicker's beside her.  
  
"Shush you," Joe raises an eyebrow at him, "Do you know how long it's been since I've had one of these? Too bloody long that's what."  
  
"Five though?"  
  
"Pah, you can talk you have five yourself."  
  
"One each for Bethany and Carver, the rest are for me," he smirk's.  
  
"Nah ah, I'm not sharing nothing. These are mine... and Mutton's. Okay, I'll be sharing with her."  
  
Joe looks up at Hawke sideway's, and notice's the pink tinged cheek's on him when he looks sideway's down at her. She wrinkle's her brow looking forward again, thinking about what Fenris said. But there was no way, why would he? She was nothing but garbage, a miserable waste of a mage who had nothing to give anyone. Joe's frown deepened, she had no idea what she even wanted from anyone other then surrounding herself with friend's she can now have, freely!  
  
Yes she liked Anders and Justice but they where her friend's she could talk to about anything, shared thing's together that only they could know about in their situation. She liked Justice more when ever Anders would allow him out, which wasn't often any more.

She liked Varric and his stories, he never judged her for what she is. He was like a father she didn't know she even wanted, he didn't give two spits she was a half-breed at all, let alone a mage.

Even Fenris she could talk to about almost anything, well almost, they both had touchy subject's they both left well enough alone, and he was really quiet nice.

She liked Bethany and Carver, a lot. They where like the brother and sister she's never had.

But Hawke, they way he acted sometimes, especially if Fenris was making her laugh, or, no Joe didn't know what to think of him sometimes. She liked him greatly, he did save her life, gave her a home, but it was odd sometimes, something Joe didn't quiet understand at all.  
  
Joe let's out a long sigh when they pass the Hanged Man, she was utterly confused by half of these new thing's happening to her. The blushing for one, she never did that, she may of done once, but must of been a long time ago for her not to remember. Her magic was another, tugging and mingling with Hawke's, not repulsing like with Anders or Bethany. She didn't include Merrill in that, she didn't want to be near the petite blood mage elf. But Anders spirit friend, that pulled her in more then anything, Joe kind of liked it.  
  
But it was waking up aching in the morning, an ache she's never felt before between her leg's. That scared her the most. She even told Anders that and he sighed out to her, that it was anatural thing to feel, nothing to worry about. Joe still didn't know what to think about that at all. A natural thing? It made her shudder what her body was going through, and Anders had to spend a few hour's telling her that her body was healing, telling her that is was working how it should be.  
  
And Maker was she ever glad of Anders candid attitude when he told her, even if she did hide her face behind her hand's when he spoke of certain thing's, or remembering thing's she didn't want too. But they spoke for hour's while she helped him around the clinic about sexuality and feeling's. It felt, odd for her to talk about, but Anders was an open book on all of that, and had no problem answering her child like question's sometimes. Justice would occasionally flash behind Anders eyes but he never came out to talk during those time's, but Joe knew he was listening as much as she was.  
  
Joe shakes her head when she realises their back home, she's been musing the entire time and didn't even notice walking in the door. Hawke raises his eyebrow at her when she stands in thedoorway, and she shakes her head again.  
  
"Maker, I was lost in my own world," she mutters out sitting at the table unwrapping the brown package pulling a pasty out.  
  
"So it would seem, Just Joe," Hawke grins at her, "But, I was telling you while you where daydreaming, that we have enough money for the expedition. I'll be letting Varric know later and then maybe a week from now, deep road's."  
  
Joe wrinkled her nose up at the thought of going down there. She didn't want to go, but she didn't want to stay here either. Anders was going as well as Varric. Merrill blatantly said no. Bethany and Fenris were undecided. Carver and Hawke where both going. But she could stay here with the other's, but she could go as well and possibly suffer flashback's. Which would be the same as not going at all.  
  
"I, well good, that's good," Joe muttered putting her pastie down, suddenly not feeling hungry at all, "A week's not a very long time to get thing's together."  
  
"No it's not. But, it'll be worth it."  
  
"How long," Joe clears her throat, it felt really rough all of a sudden, "how long will it be?"  
  
Hawke bit his lip and looked away from her, "Two, three month's top's. Joe, it'll be worth it in the end."  
  
"I hope so," she whispers looking down at the table.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - PTSD trigger/nightmare.

Hawke stirred briefly then rolled over onto his side, and felt the brush of wood against his nose. He opened one eye slowly and groaned internally at Bianca staring at him, the bloody dwarf had his arm's wrapped around the crossbow, and Hawke couldn't help the soft snort at the smile on Varric's face holding his baby close to his chest. Maker, the dwarf loved that crossbow as much as he loved bullshitting.  
  
Hawke rolled his eyes when he rolled onto his back and stared up at the wooden beam in the tent, he's already hating it down here in the fucking dark, and it's only been a three week's. Varric snorted in his sleep, then tucked his head closer to Bianca to which Hawke rolled his eyes once more before sitting up, he may as well sodding well get up now he was wide awake for no reason.  
  
A soft green light flickered outside, and he cocked his head at it. Someone else was awake and moving around out there, but far enough away the green light of the wisp didn't bother anybody. Hawke sighed quietly grabbing his boot's and strapping them on, before pulling the tie on the tent open to poke his head through the flap. He couldn't see who the wisp belonged to from this distance away, and shook his head leaving the tent letting the flap fall closed. He stretched his arm's over his head and groaned softly at the aches running through him, sending a small amount of rejuvenation through his body before finding out who was awake, besides the three guards on watch.  
  
The green wisp bobbed in the distance again, and flickered bright for a moment before dimming to it's normal brightness. Hawke frowned at it the closer he got, the wisp flickered bright again before darting around a rock.  
  
"Makers breath you silly thing!"  
  
Hawke smirked when he heard Joe's voice from behind the rock, feeling the tingle of her magic brush him, then bit his lip when he lent on it watching the woman run her finger's over a stone plinth she managed to find then flinched feeling his magic and looked over her shoulder sheepish at him.  
  
"Um," Joe blushed looking back at the plinth then back at him, "Sorry?"  
  
Hawke shook his head at her and smirked even more, crossing his arm's over his chest looking down at her, "For what, Just Joe? Sneaking around when you should be sleeping?"  
  
"Yeeeaahh. That."  
  
"What are you looking at anyway?" Hawke motioned with his chin, leaning with his hip on the rock that was the perfect height for him.  
  
"Besides it being dwarven? It has a name I recognise on it. I can only make out some of it, but-" Joe frowns looking back at it standing up brushing the dirt from her knee's.  
  
"But what?" Hawke cocked his head at her frown.  
  
"The name's Cadash. A house that was exiled from Orzammar a very long time ago, who are member's of the Carta now from what I hear."  
  
Hawke frowned even more at the look on her face when she runs a finger over the name he couldn't read, "And that means something to you?"  
  
Joe looked back at him, a sad look on her face and watched her slip her eyes closed taking her hand away from the plinth, "Cadash was my mother's last name. I suppose my last name too. But, it's not the last name I was given when I was-" Joe looked down at the ground and sighed out loudly.  
  
"Oh, Joe," Hawke whispered pushing away from the rock, putting his hand's out at her when a tear rolled down her face into the red ground beneath her.  
  
"No, it's, it's fine. They never wanted me anyway. I suppose my mum did, but she died when I was very young, or so they told me. I hate my last name, I flatly refuse to go by it."  
  
"And what is that last name then Joe? You've never said."  
  
"Because it was beat into me that it was meant to mean nothing to me, either of them. At least Maric and Cailan tried to do something later on in life, but Maric fucking went missing and Cailan's now dead along with Eliam," Joe spits on the ground her entire body shakes.  
  
"Joe, tell me," Hawke's heart hammered hard in his chest.  
  
"Theirin, my last name's Theirin. Alistair is my baby brother, Cailan was my older brother," she sighed out rubbing her face with her sleeve.  
  
Hawke took several step's back, his heart nearly jumped out of his throat his eyes huge looking at her. Joe's face was even more pained looking down at the ground, his heart couldn't take it any more and stepped forward again pulling her in against his chest against his better judgement, but she needed it.  
  
"Makers breath, Joe. I'm, I, don't know what to say," he murmured screwing his eyes shut as she shook against him, hearing her suck in deep breath's against his chest.  
  
He couldn't believe it, she was, is royalty but they, they discarded her like garbage. Hawke bit the inside of his cheek hard, running his tongue over the tang of copper in his mouth to stop his anger from boiling over. Maker, dad definitely would of stormed the castle, would of ripped them apart as much as he wanted to right now. Why, why would they do this?  
  
"Why?" he said out quietly not realising he said it out at all.  
  
Joe bunched her hand's in the back of his shirt, her body shaking even more against him and he couldn't help but let loose the choked sob in the back of his throat, making Joe flinch.  
  
"Joe, why would they do this to you?"  
  
"Because Maric never wanted his bastard children. Not until it was too late," she sobbed.  
  
Hawke pulled back from her when Joe's hand's dropped from him, looking down at the ground wiping her face on her sleeve, "Talk to me Joe," he asked quietly, "help me understand this."  
  
"What is there to understand," she spat out at him, "That the fact he liked to stick his Maker given dick into anything that wasn't human? That he abandoned both me and Alistair for Cailan? That he didn't give a shit about it until, until," Joe collapsed on the floor her finger's gripping her thigh's hard, "he never gave a shit about me and Alistair."  
  
Hawke sunk to the ground in-front of her, he had no idea what do to, other then rage at everything around him. It made him sick to think that their own father would allow this to happen, that her own brother did nothing. She was fucking royalty, and this is what a mage got? He was disgusted, they will never have her back for as long as he lived.  
  
"I wont let them take you back, ever," Hawke ground out clenching his fist's on his thigh's, talking through gritted teeth making his jaw ache.  
  
Joe looked at him, searching his face, "Not like it matter's, they think I'm dead anyway. I prefer it that way."  
  
"What about your brother?"  
  
"I'd rather him think me dead too. He wanted me free as much as he wanted to be free," Joe muttered looking back down at the ground, "I'm not a Theirin, I'm not part of that life. I, I wouldn't want it anyway. I was never allowed it."  
  
"Fuck what they think, fuck them all," Hawke ground out.  
  
"You don't understand, Alistair was as much abused as I was. Locked in the Mabari barn in the cold because that Orlesian bitch hated him. He was put in the chantry against his will at ten when she and Eamon grew tired of having him around, forced to become, to become, the one thing I hate more then anything."  
  
"A Templar?" Hawke spat.  
  
"Yes," she nodded looking back up at him, "He would of been my keeper when he passed his vigil, because it was beat into him that he was never allowed the throne at all."  
  
Joe shook her head and sat down properly on the floor, "He hated it. He never wanted to become, that. When we met again at Ostagar, I never seen him so proud of being a Grey Warden, to be free from that shackle. He even tried to scratch off the Sword of Mercy on his shield so he didn't have to look at it any more. Maker, it seemed like lifetime since we saw each other. But nothing changed much, he was still a moody fool of a brat, and I, was still chained to Eliam. And now, now he's king."  
  
Hawke sat down as well, resting his back against the rock behind him and shook his head, "Makers fucking ball's. Is royalty always so fucking degenerate? I, just can't believe your own father would allow this to happen."  
  
"Pah, he was the one who assigned Eliam to me when I was 6. So take that as you will."  
  
Hawke run a hand down his face stretching his leg's out in-front of him, their magic once again dancing around each other, and he sighed out loud resting his head back looking up at the carved out rock above them, "I, I can understand why you didn't say anything earlier," he muttered rolling his head to look at Joe, "You don't need them. You don't need any of them, you have us." You have me, he wanted to say as well.  
  
Joe frowned tilting her head at him, a small smile graced her lip's making his heart hammer in his chest again, "I, suppose I do. I'm nobody but me."  
  
"Joette Cadash," Hawke smiled at her.  
  
"Cadash, I never thought I'd see the name here," Joe muttered looking over her shoulder at the plinth again, "never realising how many thing's a name can dig up from the past."  
  
Hawke smiled at her again when she looked back at him, "It's been two year's now, you know. Two year's of being free. You have a new last name that should of been your name in the first place. Your the most unique mage I have ever known, who's been and seen more then anyone else I know. And you survived it all, to sit here now. Free."  
  
"Andraste's flaming knickers, Orran. Are you getting deep on me now, deep in the deep road's?"  
  
Hawke burst out laughing, making Joe laugh at him too, "You know, that could be taking a completely different way Just Joe!"  
  
"Oh?" Joe frowned then her eyes widened at him, "Oh OH! That's just, wrong on so many levels!"  
  
"Another layer of that Satinalia present stripped away."  
  
"So, we're just going to keep pealing my layer's away till I'm what? Naked?"  
  
Hawke smirked at her then winked, "Perhaps."  
  
*****  
  
_Her feet pounded on the ground like a heart beat, **thump thump thump** , running past the pale blue glow vein's along the carved stone wall's. The smell of dirt filled her lung's the further she went, **thump thump thump** , her feet barely touching the ground._  
  
_A growl behind her quickened her pace along the stone beneath her feet, the smell of blood and lyrium making her stomach roll with each footfall. The wall's heaved, the blue liquid running down them onto the ground below making it slick to run on, **thump thump thump** , her feet sinking into the warm liquid. Joe wanted to scream when her leg's sunk more into it, the lyrium crawling up her leg's, vining around them pulling her down into it. The smell of blood and meat burning her lung's as the blue wrapped around her arm's as she struggled to break free, **thump thump thump** , pulling her under the sea of glowing blue._  
  
_Joe closed her eyes when it went in her mouth, wrapping around her neck suffocating her, pulling her further down under it, feeling hand's pinch and scratch at her through the blue. She cried when her feet touched something soft under them, **thump thump thump** , her bare toes feeling bones under them, blood seeping through them when she's pushed down onto it. Joe opens her eyes tries to scream as the Ogre comes charging at her through the blue, blood pouring from it's open maw, Leandra's body held in one hand, Cailan stuck in it's horn's._  
  
_Darkspawn pour out of a sea of red that mingles with the blue, **thump thump thump** , their tongue's lapping the liquid up, finger's digging and digging to get at the meat below them. "What's the matter little dog whore?" Eliam whispers behind her, the tang of his breath in her ear grabbing her collar to pull her head back against him, "Afraid? Let me show you true fear, mage."_  
  
_Joe screams when he pushes her face down into the purple, **thump thump thump** , forcing her face against the woman with milky white eyes, her mouth open in a silent scream, her hair snaking around her neck pulling her down into the meat. Joe struggles against the Templar, snapping her collar scrabbling away from him her finger's digging into the meat. Eliam laughs though his half there face at her, putting his hand through his ribcage to pull his sword free from within, **thump thump** , Darkspawn tearing his armour away on his arm eating his flesh._  
  
_The blue lyrium runs down her leg's when she runs again from him, setting the trail behind her on fire, **thump thump** , blood pouring down her face as she cries pushing past the people standing there watching through their empty eye-socket's. **Thump thump** , watching, as she runs past the boat's bobbing in the blue, watching, as they vomit blood and meat onto the ground, watching, when she collapsed on the solid ground blue and red pooling around her. **Thump**_  
  
_Her lung's burned when smoke permeated her nose, choking her when she crawls away on her hand's and knee's, **thump** , Darkspawn running past her ignoring her as she's crawling away. **Thump** , she sees someone fighting in the distance and tries to call out to them, **thump** , her finger's digging into the hard packed frost touched ground, **thump** , snow falling in huge flake's making her blink them away from her eyelashes._  
  
_Joe calls their name but they don't hear her, **thump** , her hand reaching out to them, thump, but they don't see her. Blue pours out of her mouth running down her chin, thump, she can't breathe, thump, she can't see for the blood pouring over her eyes. She flinches when magic touches her skin, wrapping around her, **thump thump** , stopping her from drowning in the blue and red, **thump thump thump**._  
  
_Cold touches her skin, the familiar feel of magic dancing over her as she crawls away, **thump thump thump thump** , a hand running over her shorn hair to her forehead. _"Wake up Joe," _the voice says in her ear's, **thump thump thump thump** , _"please, wake up." _She can't she needs to get to her brother crawling on her hand's and knee's, **thump thump thump thump** , the crown's weighing him down, pulling him under. _"Joe, wake up, please." _Alistair looks at her and smile's sadly when he's pulled under into the blue, **thump thump thump thump thump** , his crown falling away before sinking into the meat and sea of red_.  
  
"Joe! Maker please, wake up, please!"  
  
Joe's eyes go wide open when she screams out in her tent, her mouth open panting feeling sweat run down her face. She can feel Orran sitting next to her, saying something but she can't hear over the blood rushing through her ear's. She screw's her eyes shut when she rolls onto her side, curling up into a ball putting her head on her knee's wrapping her arm's around her head.  
  
"It's alright, I'm here. It's all right," he says from some where, but she shakes her head sobbing into her arm's.  
  
"Hawke, I don't think yo-"  
  
"Go back to bed Anders, I can deal with this."  
  
"Hawke, don't!"  
  
"I wont say it again, Anders. I can fucking well deal with this. Go back to bed, all of you, now."  
  
"Maker take you, Hawke. If you fucking d-"  
  
"Now!"  
  
Joe sucks in a breath against her knee's, listening to them argue outside the tent. Carver growling low in his throat at Anders to move, Anders and Orran practically shouting at each other, Varric telling them all to calm down. Joe bites the inside of her arm to stop from shouting at them all to shut up, her skin felt dirty under her mouth, the sweat making her tongue twitch tasting it. They've been arguing for week's now, both Anders and Orran, small nitpicking to full blown in your face shouting at each other.  
  
Joe had no idea why they where arguing, but she avoided it as much as she could by being with Varric, looking at the old dwarven Thaig, both of them marveling at the ancient stonework all around them. They even found old book's which Joe took, but couldn't read and neither could Varric nor Bartrand. So she took them to read and learn from them later, along with other small artifact's she managed to dig up through the dirt. But it was the arguing that made her flinch more then anything.  
  
Anders had took her to one side a few week's back telling her the same thing Aveline did, that Hawke was dangerous and to be careful around him. And of course Orran heard and flew off the handle at Anders, to which he just put his hand on his hip and waved a hand at Orran proving his point. Carver neither agreed nor disagreed the point, but left to two of them to shout at each other to help Varric and herself looking over the dwarven Thaig.  
  
Joe's had nightmare's on and off being down here, was a stupid thing to think she could do this, but if she didn't she would never found her family name down here, would never of told Orran her real heritage. So she couldn't understand why her best friend was telling her the same thing's as Aveline had about Orran.  
  
Joe pulls her knee's away from her chest, stretching them out taking her hand's away from her face to stare at the brown canvas of her tent, then wipes her face on her sleep shirt when the tent flap opened, feeling Orran's magic snapping and tugging at her when he crawls in. She heard a soft thud on the ground and she wanted to flinch at it, it wasn't Eliam, it was Orran laying down behind her. She can hear his teeth grind in his jaw, and she let's out a quiet sigh the puff of air moving the brown canvas slightly.  
  
"Joe?" he asks her quietly shifting position behind her.  
  
"Why were you arguing now?" she mutters out, watching the canvas move again.  
  
"It doesn't matter. You where having a nightmare, I was trying to wake you up from it."  
  
"I know," she whispers, "thank you."  
  
Joe heard him sigh behind her, his breath warm on her neck and she felt her cheek's go warm feeling it, feeling gooseflesh go down her arm's and leg's, "Are you alright?"  
  
"I am now," she mutters pulling up an arm to put under her head, "I hate it down here."  
  
Hawke huffed a small laugh behind her, "You and me both, Just Joe."  
  
"Orran."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I," Joe sucked in a breath closing her eyes feeling the same ache between her leg's again making her skin gooseflesh once more, her cheek's going more warm, "I, I-" she had no idea how to finish.  
  
"What do you need, Joe?" he asked her quietly, his breath burning against her neck making the ache between her leg's worse, his magic tugging and pulling at her, running down her body like soft finger's.  
  
"Hold me," she whispers out before biting her lip hard.  
  
She hears him swallow after his breath hitched, then feels him move closer his breath even warmer on her neck when he puts his face against it, his arm gently wrapping over hers under her head, his leg's pushing against hers. And Joe almost melted at the feeling, was nothing like anything she's felt before, even the embrace when she told Orran about who she really was felt nothing like this, even if she did shake like a leaf against him.  
  
"Joe," he whispers out at the back of her head, his magic tinged breath making her shiver, the ache between her leg's getting worse and she can't help her body when it pushes back into his.  
  
She feels her breathing get harder, her cheek's feel like there on fire, the ache between her leg's was getting overwhelming. This was like nothing she's ever felt before, her body against his, and she can't help when a small moan leaves her lip's when his finger's gently brush her arm, his thumb going in circle's on it, before stopping.  
  
"Don't stop," she mutters out though her ragged breath, pushing her body back more into his, "please."  
  
She hears his breathing hitch again, his own breath stuttering against the back of her head, then feels him nod resuming his gentle ministration's on her arm. Joe bit her lip again, feeling her nipple's begin to stiffen against the soft cotton sleep shirt, the tug and pull between her leg's making her breath harsh through her nose. Orran moves behind her, his arm moving away to lean over her, "Joe?" he murmured quietly above her, "what's wrong?"  
  
She looks up at him, her breathing even more harsh out her mouth when she looks into his eyes, his blue eyes, and she can't help herself look at his lip's before looking back into his eyes, "Kiss me," she whispers rolling onto her back under him, watching his eyes go slightly wide at her.  
  
"Joe, I, I don't think-"  
  
He doesn't finish when she leans up putting her lip's against his, her eyes slipping closed feeling them touch hers. She's never kissed anyone before, she has no idea what she's doing, but it feels right. Orran pushes his lip's closer to hers, his hair brushing her face when it fall's down his shoulder, and she sighs against them when she lays back down properly their lip's never leaving each other's. She gasps against his lip's when she feels his tongue brush over hers and she can't help but part hers at the feeling, then gasps more when he slip's his tongue inside her mouth, swiping it along hers.  
  
Joe touches her tongue to his tentatively, and her body shudders more at the feeling, his magic dancing across it through her body her magic dancing through his making Orran gasp out in her mouth feeling it. He pulls back away from her slowly, and she missed it already when he slip's his tongue out of her mouth opening his eyes to look at her, his pupil's where so wide they almost look black.  
  
"Joe, we can't," he whispers resting his forehead against hers, "not here. Maker I want to, but, I wont, I wont push this on you."  
  
She slip's her eyes closed and licks her lip's, tasting Orran on them and nod's before biting her lip, sucking it into her mouth. Her heart is pounding hard in her chest, her finger's bunching up the blanket under her, and she nod's again trying to calm her breathing down.  
  
Orran lays back down beside her, his own breathing just as harsh when he swallows loudly in the tent, "I've never been with a woman before," he murmur's out, "Maker I want to, with you, but, but I wont, not here."  
  
Joe nod's her head again opening her eye's to look at him, then rolls over to nestle her face on his chest of her own free will, because she can, and sighs against it when he wrap's an arm around her, because she's allowing it, "I'm still a virgin, down, there anyway," she mutters pushing her face more into it, feeling the heavy thud of his heart on her face.  
  
"Then we can learn together," Orran murmur's pulling her closer to him, and she sighs out once more when she rest's her hand over his heart and slip's her eyes closed, letting the fade pull her back to sleep.  
  
*****  
  
The cavern around then cracked with lightening, echoing and rumbling down corridor's, the sound bouncing off wall's around them when he does it again. The rock wraith's explode outward showering them all in rock's, Carver taking down the last remaining few with his sword, Varric with Bianca.  
  
Anders ran over to Joe, her hand on her side clutching it where the abomination caught her from behind with it's claw's while she was protecting Varric. Hawke wrinkled his nose in anger, throwing his staff against the cavern wall, his brother shaking his head at him when he leans down to pick it up.  
  
"Brother, seriously," he rolls his eyes at him handing the staff over, "you break it, I ain't getting you a new one."  
  
"Fucking, void take it all," Hawke growls out through his teeth, "If I ever see that shit again, I'm killing him."  
  
"You and me both Killer," Varric muttered picking up his bolt's from the floor, "least it was only that stupid idol and nothing else."  
  
"Andraste's garter ferret's, ANDERS THAT HURTS!"  
  
"It'll get infected if I don't flush it out. Maker, just be glad Justice decided to help out."  
  
Hawke growled low in the back of his throat, sneering his lip at the other mage putting his hand over Joe's wound. His anger is about to boil over into full blown rage, he needed to go reign it in, he needed to rip something apart with his bare hand's. Hawke looked away, his lip still curled when he bounded over to the now empty room next door. He stood in the broken doorway and sucked in several deep breath's, his heart jumping about in his chest like the caged animal he felt.  
  
Hawke looked over their thing's they put there to sleep the night before, looked over the bag's of treasure's they managed to find. Worth several small fortune's, Varric had whistled out when they found them, set everyone up for the rest of their lives when Varric could find buyer's. But Bartrand, he back stabbed them all to leave them down here, slitting his guards and worker's neck's before slipping away in the middle of night, right before the first rock wraith's attacked them. The bastard even took half their supplies with him, leaving them with hardly anything.  
  
A ruby red idol, a thing that was nothing to look at, but all three of the mages were wary of it when Carver showed them what he found. It hummed with darkness, a lot of darkness to the point where Justice made an appearance to make them all move away from it. So of course Bartrand would steal that, the man practically purred when he saw it touching it like it was made out of glass, running his finger's over the ruby red.  
  
Hawke picked up his pack's and slung them over his shoulder's, Carver picking up his own when he followed his brother in, "Does Anders know how far out we are?"  
  
Carver nodded picking up Varric's pack's, "Yeah, five day's out. Less if we just quick march it out."  
  
Hawke wrinkled his nose again and nodded once at his brother, bending down to pick up Joe and Anders pack's, "Good, sooner we leave this Maker fucking place the better."  
  
"I dunno why your so pissed," Carver muttered going back to the other's, "we got what we came for, he just got a stupid fucking statue."  
  
"Not the point Carver," Hawke ground out, "He killed his men, he stole half our supplies. He back stabbed us Carver, he could of locked us in here for the rest of our lives if that fucking door wasn't broken!"  
  
"And those rock thing's," his little brother groused kicking a stone away from him, "Maker, your right. He was a dick."  
  
Hawke sucked in a deep breath, his anger had started to ebb away thankfully, and the other mage was getting shooed away by Joe when she stood up. A smirk went over his face while he cocked his head, Joe had managed to find a lyrium lined bow down here, the likes none of them have seen before. Ancient, both her and Varric said looking over the lyrium rune's etched along the limb's, but looked brand new untouched down here. She had it strapped to her back now, her other bow left in the same place she found this one. Joe just shrugged saying it was the right thing to do, can't take all the time, have to give something back.  
  
Hawke wrinkled his nose when Anders stood in-front of him, holding his hand's out for his pack's, to which Hawke just shoved them against the other man's chest before walking over to Joe to hand over hers. She grinned at him, then wrinkled her nose up pulling her shirt, "Yet another poxy bloody scar to add to the collection."  
  
"Didn't he heal it?" Hawke wanted to bash the man's head against the wall.  
  
"Demon and abomination wound's tend to leave scar's. Least this, like the one on my lip's and a few on my arm's and thigh's, are actual battle wound's!"  
  
Hawke grinned and nodded at her, "I like the one on your lip's," he said making her blush at him.  
  
"OH for fuck's sake, can we just go already!" Carver moaned out behind them shaking his head at them both when Hawke narrowed his eyes at his little brother.  
  
"Nah ah, Junior. I need to write this shit down. Much better story."  
  
Hawke shook his head at the dwarf grinning up at him before snickering pulling Carver away. Anders stood behind them both, with his arm's folded over his chest and glared at Hawke, "Hey, Joe, go tell Varric the story of the hidden stash in the warehouse."  
  
Joe raises an eyebrow at Anders then grinned, "Oh, he's going to LOVE that," she giggles out running after the dwarf and Carver.  
  
Hawke narrowed his eyes at Anders, the man was still glaring at him, "I'm warning you Hawke-"  
  
"And I'm only going to say this one more time, Anders," Hawke spat at him, "You back the fuck off my personal life. You have NO right."  
  
"You just don't get it do you?" Anders sighed out pinching the bridge of his nose, "Why are you doing this?"  
  
"What's the matter Anders, not getting enough from your spirit boyfriend?" Hawke mocked at him.  
  
"HE'S NOT MY- Andraste's flaming sword, he's not my bloody boyfriend! Why can't you see that," Anders waves a hand at himself before sighing again, "that I give a damn about you."  
  
"And how many time's do I need to tell you, I'm. Not. Interested. Anymore. OKAY!. So you have NO FUCKING RIGHT! I'm done listening to you."  
  
"Hawke, wait-"  
  
"No, you can watch me walk away. I'll be your fucking friend, nothing more."  
  
Hawke shakes his head at the shorter mage and storm's off after the other's. Anders had no right bringing this shit up again, yes they fucked a few time's, yes, Anders sucked his fucking cock, but he had no right bringing up any of this shit down here in-front of everyone else. Maker take the jealous arsehole!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - YAY... Joe's proper first time and um... Magic Gone Wild? *flings hands up in the air and walks away* Yeah I'm done.

Joe was bloody well late when she ran through Hightown, Mutton running next to her. All she did was stop off at Fenris' to drop of the book she found ideal for him, then stayed when he said he had no idea how to read. She promised him she would help him learn to read and write, to which the elf just shrugged and asked why bother learning. Joe rolled her eyes at him telling him it was never too late to learn something new, to which the elf just raised his eyebrow at her then snorted.  
  
They where both learning new thing's over the time they've been in Kirkwall, leaving life's of hell behind them both. She was glad he stayed in Kirkwall when they went down in the deep road's to keep an eye on Merrill, Mutton and... Bethany.  
  
Bethany, Maker, what a mess that was. Joe still couldn't believe she just walked into the Gallows and asked for them to take her in. Orran and Carver were beside themselves when they found out, finding the note she left behind. Joe was just as hurt by it. After all she and Anders went through with Templars she just up and handed herself over, saying it was better for everyone that way.  
  
Joe shook her head at it when she went down the Hightown step's, it's been two month's since they come back to that, and Orran had hardly been seen. He was never at home during the day, spent almost all night out coming back in the early hour's then doing it all again the next day. Carver had taken to going to the Blooming Rose to fill his night's with Faith the whore. Joe's never been in there, she didn't know if she could handle all that, stuff. Anders did tell her to go visit to watch, he'd go with her if needs be, she's thinking about it though.  
  
But she was still late when she ran through the tavern door's, nearly knocking Norah over when she ran past her up to Varric's room.  
  
"Maferaths ball's, there you are!"  
  
"Maker, sorry Varric I got carried away talking with Fenris."  
  
Varric shook his head at her then waved his hand for her to sit, Mutton's yipping on the floor to be picked up so she could see too, "I think someone's excited," he snorted out at the dwarf Mabari sticking her nose over the table.  
  
"I know," Joe grinned stroking the dog behind her ear's, "Varric stop teasing me!"  
  
"Your late Bard, so you get to wait while I go get drinks."  
  
"MAKER BLOODY DAMMIT!"  
  
Varric just snickered skirting around Joe's hand trying to slap him, then slammed the door shut behind him making Joe bounce her leg's under the table. They both tried reading through the old dwarven book's she found, but to no end. Only certain word's they both recognised, the rest, was well beyond them. Varric reached out to his contact's in Orzammar for help, and it seems they reached out back. Joe couldn't wait to decipher the book's, she wanted to know more about her heritage other then what she already knew. This was ancient history, her bow was ancient history too. The stuff they brought back from the Thaig was ancient history, except the stuff they could sell which, according to Varric was worth more then he thought.  
  
Varric's door opened again, letting in the sound's from downstairs, the smell of stale ale and vomit hit her nose, then it was silent again when Varric puts the tray down on the table, "My lady, your apple cider."  
  
"Heh, least your not trying to poison me with brandy again. How can you drink that?"  
  
Varric shrugged tugging at his earring's then smirked, "Year's of practice."  
  
Joe shook her head taking a sip of her non-alcoholic cider, letting the apple taste swill round in her mouth watching Varric out the corner of her eye pull out a stack of paper's. She tugged her own earring's Varric helped her do, three in each ear just like Varric's, but in silver not the gold he wore. She grinned wide at him when he slide over a couple of letter's and nodded at them, "You read them. I haven't looked."  
  
"Varric, you mean to tell me you didn't once take a peak? Who are you, and what you done with the storyteller?"  
  
"Bard, I'm hurt," Varric said out seriously putting his hand over his chest before snickering again, "Just open them tell me what they say."  
  
Joe picked up the first letter, one from the Shaperate, and her eyes went huge looking over the finely crafted paper, how thick it was, the embossed seal of the Shaperate. She broke the seal carefully unfurling the thick paper, and read it over.  
  
Joe's eyes went wide again putting the letter down, and swallowed loudly, "They want to see the book's in person. They'll be sending a Shaperate on the surface to view the book's once they can get a hold of him. Varric-" Joe swallows again  
  
"Huh, well, that's better then what I though it would be. But there's something else, isn't there?"  
  
"Varric, he's a Cadash."  
  
Varric dropped his brandy snifter on the table shattering it, the brandy flowing down onto the floor, "Holy shit."  
  
Joe picked up the other letter and frowned at the name, "Joette Cadash Hawke? I'm not a Hawke."  
  
Varric raised an eyebrow at her mopping up the brandy from the table, "I don't know, you did officially unofficially get adopted by them, so..."  
  
Joe shook her head opening the other finely written plain outside letter, picking up her mug of cider then nearly choked on it, re-reading the letter again, "Makers glorious backside, it's from Alistair!"  
  
Varric dropped the broken piece's of the snifter back on the floor breaking them more, cursing when he cut his finger on a shard. Joe looked at him wide eyed then burst out laughing waving the letter about, "He, he's getting married, to Aeden Cousland! He's getting married to a fucking man, in Ferelden, sticking his finger's up at tradition!"  
  
"Your joking?" a voice ring's out behind them.  
  
Joe looks up at Anders and shakes her head profusely, "No I'm not! And he's also officially freeing me from my bond's of being a Theirin! I no longer have to suffer that name any longer, I'm Joette Cadash, though the bloody idiot added Hawke after it, giving me a ribbing about it, apparently."  
  
Anders snorts sitting down, stealing Joe's cider drinking half of it before wrinkling his nose up, "Really, no alcohol? Joe, drink some sodding ale or something!"  
  
"Shut up, this is serious. And get your own bloody drink you ridiculous feather mage you."  
  
Anders snorted again rolling his eyes fluffing the feather's on his dark brown over coat, "I happen to like feather's."  
  
"ANDERS SHUT UP! Makers breath," Joe giggles at him hugging Mutton's close to her chest before peppering her with kisses, "My little brother is getting married. I'm officially free of my Theirin bond's, and, and, Orzammar is sending a surfacer Shaperate to look at the ancient text's we found!"  
  
"How'd he know you where here?" Anders asked her, drinking her cider once more before screwing his face up, "Tell me in a minute, I'm getting us both a proper fucking drink."  
  
Joe ignored him to re-read the letter again. She was the one to send it by carrier raven, by Varric's insistence that her brother should know she's still alive and not willing to go back to Ferelden for a very long time, least the entire place suffer the wrath of one Orran Hawke. Maker, her baby brother, King of Ferelden, one of the Hero's of the fifth blight, getting married to the man she barely remembers seeing at Ostagar near Duncan's bonfire. And she no longer had the chain around her neck, besides the obvious one hidden in her clothes.  
  
Anders came back carrying two large tankard's and plonked one down in-front of her, then waved his hand for her to drink it. Joe wrinkled her nose up pulling it closer, then sighed at the smell of honey coming from it, "Mead," she whispers out picking it up to her lip's and savoured the smell.  
  
"Thought you could deal with that rather then anything else. So, tell me. How'd he know you where here?"  
  
Joe gulps down a mouthful of the honey drink and smile's at the warm taste rolling around in her mouth, "I told him. Varric practically threatened me into doing it. I'm glad I did now."  
  
"See," Varric grins at her, "worth it being knocked in the head, wasn't it."  
  
Joe snickered before taking another mouthful of Mead, and sinks lower in the chair feeling it warm through out her, "Yes dad," she giggled.  
  
Anders barked a laugh at the dwarf's face going bright red, trying to hide it behind another snifter, "Naaww, I think you broke Varric."  
  
"Anders, my lovely lovely feather mage," Joe slur's taking another gulp of her mead, "the only thing broken here is the glass in his bin."  
  
Varric snicker's shaking his head at Joe then stick's his wounded hand out to Anders, "She's not wrong, Blondie. And heal this sodding thing so I can write. And Bard, I'd be happy for you calling me dad, makes me feel," Varric goes bright red while Anders heals him, "hmm old."  
  
"Sorry. Never really had a dad before so, you know," Joe hiccup's and slams a hand over her mouth putting the tankard down, "I think I'm done with that. I would like to be able to actually, walk home this time."  
  
"Least it's not Brandy," Anders snicker's.  
  
"Bleh, never again."  
  
*****  
  
Hawke quietly closed the door to the safe house behind him, nobody was around this early in the morning when he looked about himself, then looked down at his shirt, blood splattered all over it and down his arm's. He smirked as he tugged it over his head, walking over to the water pump in the hex, three bird's with one stone, and they didn't even see it coming.  
  
He agreed to help the sister with her problem, then when he saw the Templar escorting her to the hovel, his anger boiled in him. Hawke wrung the shirt out under the pump and wiped down his arm's, the bitch was lying to him the whole time when he stepped in there. The fucking chained Qunari, was NOT what he was expecting when he went in there hoping to rid of both chantry zealot's in one go.  
  
But it gave him an opportunity he couldn't pass up when he struck them all down in one go with a paralysis, the bound and chained Qunari just standing there watching him kill the Templar and the sister. Hawke wiped the shirt over his face, cleaning the blood there before throwing the thing next to the safe-house door. Nobodies going to know it was him, all their going to see are two butchered chantry bastard's and one dead Qunari with his chain's broken.  
  
Hawke smirked more going through the hex to home, pulling his hair free from it's ties letting it cascade down his back and over his shoulder's, he was hoping his brother was either out, or gone with the deal they made a few week's back. Not like either of them have been home much, both of them hurting by Bethany's leaving them for the circle. But at least his brother was going to keep her safe in there. They both agreed that by him becoming a Templar was for Bethany's benefit, and to keep a certain blood mage in check. Though, Hawke wondered how Anders or Joe where going to handle the news about Carver becoming a Templar.  
  
Hawke got the hex where home was and noticed the front door was slightly open, yellow light seeping through into the hex. The door opened more and Hawke hid around the corner, as the yellow was snuffed out when the door shut, foot fall's coming down the step's into the hex proper. A light of green flickered instead and a soft boof made him frown, when both went the opposite way down the step's to the dock's.  
  
Joe shouldn't be up and about this time of the morning, it was far to early for her to run, and far to late for-  
  
Hawke frowned more running up the step's to the door, pulling his key out, something was going on when he opened the door going to his room to put on clean clothes. He slipped on a clean shirt and his cuirass, throwing his dirty pants and smalls into the hamper, and just pulled fresh pants on, not bothering at all with smalls when he tugged on his boot's again. He looked around the living area and noticed Joe's bow was gone too. Something was definitely going on, when he peaked into the room that was now Joe's and noticed her archer's leather's gone.  
  
Hawke grabbed his staff and ran out the door, slamming it behind him going the same way Joe did. He felt guilty, really really guilty not seeing her for the past few month's, or hardly anyone else for that matter, but it was Joe he felt more guilty at. He bumped into Anders a few time's, the other mage still blushed and flustered around him, but Hawke still brushed it off, promising him he'll be back to helping around the clinic soon. Anders would blush more, and bit his lip at him, trying to run his finger's down his arm to change his mind about what he wanted. Maker take the man, for he had no idea no meant fucking no.  
  
Hawke shook his head going under the bridge to the dock's, he didn't want Anders at all, he wanted Joe more then anything, which made his guilt even worse.  
  
He stopped when he saw the green light ahead of him bob around a corner, and he slowly went after it. What in the Makers name was Joe doing down here? With Mutton in tow as well, dressed to kill.  
  
The sound of Mutton growling low in her throat made him frown, and almost bounded down to see what the little one was growling at. Armour clanked around the corner where Joe was, and his heart stopped, Templar armour clanked, the sound of weapon's being drawn made his blood boil. Joe was down there, he didn't know whether she knew, and Mutton growled low again just before the first scream came ringing through his ear's.  
  
Hawke pulled the staff fro his back and bounded down the step's, lightening racing up his arm's and around his body when he rounded the corner to the sound of fighting, then stopped when he saw Joe taking down the troupe of Templars by herself. His heart hammered hard in his chest at her face, the sneer on her lip as she brought the string back on her bow letting loose arrow after arrow of spirit bolt's mingled with cold into the Templars, felling each one with precision through their head's.  
  
He felt his anger boil to rage and let the lightening go away from his body into the Templars at the back, their bodies convulsing before exploding outward in chunk's, blood splattering the ground and wall's. He lifted his arm's up into the arm and slammed them both down with his staff calling forth lightening from the sky, as Joe felled more. And then Hawke saw why she was killing them as two small head's poked around a pillar, their face's streaked in tear's and pale. His rage tipped out looking at them, two mage children in bloody robe's, were hiding behind both Joe and the pillar, to get away from the bastard's in-front of them.  
  
Hawke watched her as she got struck by a smite and stumbled back a few pace's, then shook her head and aimed her bow at them again, pulling arrow's from a quiver on her hip. Smart girl, he thought when he put his palm out then down, pulling the Templars to the ground. Joe looked over at him and smiled wide, before taking aim at the Templars now on the floor unable to get up because Hawke was keeping them there with his force magic.  
  
He stood there, his heart banging loudly in his chest, the blood lust running through his vein's again, watching her take them all down. And Maker take him, he was as hard as a fucking rock, but he needed to reign it in with the two magelings there. Hawke snapped his hand back letting the spell go when Joe stood over the last Templar, her arrow aimed right between his eyes and nodded for magelings to come out. But it wasn't two behind there, there were six running past the dead Templars to Hawke, and two of them where teenager's.  
  
Joe put her foot on the Templars chest, the Templar begging for mercy from her, and Hawke's breath stopped, his heart nearly coming out his chest when she said in a very low and the most dangerous voice he's ever heard her speak. "There will be no mercy where your going, for they will tear your soul apart." She pulled back her string and pinned his head to the ground with her silver tipped arrow, then spat on his body before running over to him with Mutton's.  
  
"Orran," she smiled out at him, "Maker it's been month's."  
  
"I'm sorry, Just Joe. But, what the fuck happened here?" he asked her waving his hand about.  
  
"They wanted to take us back," one of the younger magelings bawled wiping his face on the robe of one of the teenager's.  
   
"They'll never leave us alone," the one having tear's and snot wiped on his robe muttered, "Bastard's the whole lot of them."  
  
"Orran, we need to get them to Selby, she's down in the Undercity. She can get them out of Kirkwall to Ferelden."  
  
Hawke frowned at her then nodded, "We'll talk about this later," he muttered before walking away with the children in tow, "Where in the Undercity?"  
  
Joe motioned with her head for them to follow her, Mutton yipping excited around his heel's, and Hawke smiled down at the dog her tongue half out of her mouth, "Who's a good girl," he cooed at her making her yip and boof more at him before running ahead of them.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
Hawke looked over at the teenager who still had the little one clinging to his robe's, "Hawke."  
  
"Hawke? The Healer's friend?" another said looking up at him, a broad grin on his face.  
  
"Yes, Anders is a friend. So is Joe." Hawke wanted to roll his eyes, but he knew how the twin's where when they where younger.  
  
Joe put her hand up for them to stop, then looked around the corner. She bent down to Mutton saying something quietly to her before the dwarf Mabari ran off. Joe looked back at them all as she stood, "She's gone to let Anders know we're coming. He'll open the cellar door's for us to get to Selby."  
  
All the magelings nodded in unison, the one with the little one still clinging to him sighed out loudly, "You do know know me and my brother have no family to go back to, right?"  
  
"I know. That's why you two are staying with Anders. You two are adept at healing, and well he needs apprentices," she smiled at them, "AND," she put her finger up at him, "you got us to protect you now. Well, I know a certain someone will have a fit if anything happens in the clinic."  
  
The boy beamed at her and so did his little brother, "Maker Joe, thanks. You have no idea what this means to us."  
  
Hawke couldn't help feel the swell of pride running through him watching this. She was helping mages who needed it, helping them when she had no-one helping her. He bit his lip looking sideway's at her, his hair ruffling around his shoulder's with the cool breeze coming from the sea. He had to pull the shirt over the front of his pants covering himself up, and cursing himself for not slipping smalls on. But he couldn't help it with what's been happening, and Maker fuck him, he didn't want it to end yet.  
  
*****  
  
Joe slumps down on the sofa after taking off her cuirass, Mutton running off to her room to sleep, and pulls her boot's and sock's off wriggling her toe's at the dying fire. She should stoke it, but right now she just didn't feel like it. Hawke St's down next to her with a couple of mug's and hand's one over to her, the smile still on his face when she takes one. Joe takes a slip before putting on the table next to her then takes off her vambrace's while Hawke slip's off his boot's.  
  
He wanted to say something to Joe, his heart raced, his pulse going wild through out him, his hair slide down to cover some of his face when he pulled the other boot off, still feeling   
his stiffness in his pants.  
  
She wanted to say something to him, her heart pounded in her chest, blood rushing through her ear's, unstrapping her greaves from her leg's putting them with her vambrace's, the ache between her leg's getting worse.  
  
Hawke cock's his head at her when he sits back, noticing the glints in her ear's when she sits back too, then leans over to flick the earring's in her ear, "When'd you get those?"  
  
Joe blushes and tugs on them looking sideway's at him, "A couple of month's back. Varric did them for me just before we sent the letter's to the Shaperate in Orzammar, and to my brother."  
  
"They suit you," he says moving a little closer, watching the blush rise higher on her face, "I like them, a lot."  
  
"I, heh, thank you. I like your's too, Orran," she says quietly looking slowly at him, feeling his magic pull and tug at her.  
  
"Joe, I-" Maker, why couldn't he say it, why couldn't he just say what he wanted without scaring the shit out her, "I, shit."  
  
Joe looked over his face while he looked down and away, his hair covering some of it, and she couldn't help it when she brushes it away from his face, tucking it behind his ear. Hawke looked back her, and let his eyes slip closed, feeling her finger's brush through his hair, then over his ear running over the hoop's all through out them, then down his jaw, her finger's barely touching him sending gooseflesh down his arm's.  
  
Joe closed her eyes as she ran her finger's down his face to his jaw, feeling the short stubble there under her palm's. She turned her body more towards him, her finger's still running up his face to his hair again, and sighed out at the feeling.  
  
"Joe," Hawke sighs slowly cupping her face with his hand, brushing her cheek with his thumb, watching her lip's part slightly and she sighed again pushing her face against his hand.  
  
"Don't stop, please."  
  
"I wont, unless you want me too."  
  
Joe opens her eyes at him, resting her hand on his shoulder her thumb brushing the side of his neck, "I," she closes her eyes again, feeling her heart pound even harder in her chest, "please."  
  
"Tell me, Just Joe," Hawke whispers leaning closer to her, feeling her magic snap and buzz against his wildly making his heart hammer in his ribcage hard, "what do you want?"  
  
Joe opens her eyes again and sucks in a deep breath, inhaling Orran's scent and his magic through her nose and mouth, tasting it, feeling it snap against hers, "Kiss me."  
  
Hawke cup's her face with both hand's and gently pulls her closer to his lip's, letting his eyes slip closed when they touch together, her scent and magic filling him from inside and out. He wants to moan out against her lip's when she sighs against his, then she part's them for him and he moan's into it when he slicks his tongue across hers, tasting her upon his.  
  
Joe card's her hand's through his hair, shifting her body more on the sofa, feeling his tongue across hers and she runs hers across his, mimicking it. Joe feels dizzy, her mind spinning when she does it again, feeling the magic spark across it when he tilts her head gently pushing his tongue more into her. Joe can't help when she moan's into it, feeling her body heat up from within at it, mimicking his movement's in her mouth onto his tongue.  
  
Hawke wants to growl low feeling her mimic him, feeling the magic dance through them, and he slowly pushed her to lay down on the sofa, one leg off to brace him so he doesn't put his full weight on her. Hawke deepens the kiss more, his tongue pushing and slicking against hers when she pushes back against his, both their jaw's working overtime, her finger's digging more into his hair, and he groan's at it rolling his hip's into hers.  
  
Joe feels the ache between her leg's get to the point she couldn't take it anymore, feeling him press against her there when he moves his hip's, groaning. This, this was like nothing she's ever experienced before, and Maker, please, she wanted more, she wanted to feel him, she wanted to feel every inch of Orran over her. He pulls back from her, sucking her bottom  lip gently when he pulls back from the kiss, and Joe missed it, she wanted more, and she whined at him.  
  
Hawke bit his lip at her whine, resting his forehead on hers looking into her eyes, "Joe," he whispers, "what do you want?"  
  
Joe searches his eyes when he asks, running her finger's down the side of his face, "I, want you. Please," she begs him, closing her eyes gripping his shoulder's tight, hearing Orran's breath hitch, "I can't take it any more."  
  
Hawke's breath hitched again, looking over her face when she slip's her eyes closed her finger's digging into his shoulder's, then lent down to her lip's again and whispered against them, "Neither can I, Love," and kissed her chastely, sliding his hand's under her to pick her up.  
  
Joe wrap's her leg's around him when he slides his hand's under her, feeling him pick her up off the sofa, wrapping her arm's around Orran's neck when he starts to move towards his bedroom. Her heart sounded loud in her ear's, her breathing harsh and ragged, and all they've done is kiss, and she wanted more when Orran lowers her down on his bed kneeling between her leg's, his tongue licking up the side of her neck to her ear, "Let me undress you," he mutters into it making her pant out at it nodding.  
  
Hawke leans up running his hand's down the side of Joe's face over her shoulder's to the button's on the front of her shirt. He can see her shake slightly when he undoes the first button, her breathing getting even more harsh when he undoes another, and she slip's her eyes closed biting her lip's when he undoes more. Joe's hand's are fisted in the sheet's under her when he undoes the last button, and slowly runs his hand's inside her shirt up her body to her breast band, pulling the shirt open exposing her. He didn't linger at the scar's but who she was under them, and Maker take him, she was beautiful when he slides his hand's down her body again.  
  
Joe's skin was on fire when she feels him run his hand's back up her body, feeling her, up to her breast band again and unlaces the front tie on it pulling it open. Joe pants out even more when she feels his finger's go over them gently, her nipple's pressing hard against his palm's when he cup's both of them in his large hand's and she let's loose another moan when he brushes her nipple's with his thumb's, her cheek's warm up again at the feeling, the tug between her leg's overwhelming. "Please," she whispers out at him, pushing her head back into the mattress below. She feels Orran's tongue over her breast's and buck's up hard into him, her mouth open and panting heavily when he does it again, "Oh maker."  
  
Hawke couldn't help but smile when he flicked her nipple with his tongue once more, feeling Joe buck up into him again. His cock is getting unbearably tight in his pants, hes never been this fucking hard in his life licking up to Joe's neck again, then tugging on her earring before licking over the shell of her ear. Joe buck's up against him again, making him bite his lip hard, feeling her finger's dig into his biceps when he slowly undoes the button's on her pants. Hawke kisses from the side of her face, over her cheek to her lip's again running his tongue over them, sucking Joe's bottom lip gently when her pan's are undone, and feels her shake more against him. "It's alright," he whispers against her lip's, "it's alright, I'm here, love. I wont do anything you don't w-"  
  
"Please, please, please I can't- please," Joe begs him again gripping his biceps even harder, the ache between her leg's was unbearable, "Please, make me feel normal, maker please."  
  
Hawke hitches his breath again against her neck, and slip's his eyes closed and kisses her neck before pulling back to look down at her. Hawke sucks in a deep breath and nod's at her, slipping off the bed pulling his shirt over his head as Joe slip's out of hers, her eyes never leaving his when she grit's her teeth and frowns hooking her thumb's over the waist band of her pants, then stop's when she shudders a breath closing her eyes and swallows loudly. He watches her more when he unlaces his own pants, eyes roaming over her exposed upper half, her slightly pale skin, the contour's of her toned muscle's over her arm's, the fullness of her breast's, her entire robust nature and he hitches his breath again when she slowly pulls her pants down, lifting her leg's so she could pull them free then drop's them over the side of the bed. Hawke's heart pounds out of his chest onto the floor as well, she was- "Maker, Joe, your beautiful," he mutters at her kicking out of his own pants, "So fucking beautiful."  
  
Joe bites her lip hard frowning, she wants to say no as she lays there completely naked in-front of him, she wanted to say she was as ugly as she felt with her scar's and slightly stockier build then everyone else. Joe clamped her eyes she bunching the sheet's in her fist's when Orran crawls over her again, his leg's slipping between hers his, breath warm against her face, his finger's brushing up her side's gently, "I, I don't feel it," she shudders out her bottom lip quivering. "You are, Makers breath you are," she hears him say in her ear, and she sucks in a deep breath her entire body shaking when he kisses down her neck, sliding his hand's underneath her head and hip's, then almost squeal's when Orran pulls her further up in the bed. Joe opens her eyes and pushes her head back into the mattress again feeling his dick brush her down there, and moan's out loud when he rock's his hip's slowly against it.  
  
Hawke wants to bite down on her neck, feeling her wetness between her leg's when he slides his cock over her again, rolling his hip's languidly hearing her moan quietly in his ear. He slides the hand beneath her head away from her to take hold of her hip, resting his forehead on hers rolling against her wetness, feeling the sheen of sweat forming over her skin. He needed to take it easy with her, and he bit his lip wrinkling his nose when he slowly slides into her, then groan's against her face feeling how fucking tight she was around him. And she's shaking against him, her finger's digging into his shoulder's when he slides in more, her breathing getting harsh her mouth open her head pushed back into the mattress more. "Joe," Hawke whispers pushing her leg's apart more with his own, sliding the hand under her backside to lean over her more when he slowly slides out.  
  
Joe feels like she's on fire, her skin is burning when Orran slowly rock's his hip's into her, feeling his dick slide in and out, their magic tugging and pulling at each other more. She feels like crying at the overwhelming feeling inside her, filling her, it's almost too much feeling him inside her, the sweat running down her face with each slow roll of his hip's. Joe can't help the small long moan's that come from her mouth, something she's never ever done before in her life, feeling the languid stroke's of Orran, feeling the fullness of his dick in her. Joe let's go of his shoulder's to her breast, and runs her palm's over her nipple's, and rolls them under her palm's with every stroke of Orran in her, the twinge between her leg's achingly more so, and she wants to cry again at the feeling's surrounding her.  
  
Hawke slowly leans up, his hip's still rolling languidly in her and bites his lip watching Joe run her hand's over her breast's when he takes hold of her hip's in his hand's, pulling them up so he could slide his knee's under her backside more. Maker the feeling of her around him was nothing like anything he's felt before, nothing at all when he deepens his languid rolls in her, looking down to watch his cock almost disappear in her absolutely wet hole then slide out again. And Maker take him, it was beautiful watching it slide into her tight light brown curls, and he moan's harshly letting his head roll back, his eyes closed deepening the roll of his hip's, his hair brushing the top of his arse with how far he has his head thrown back. "Fuck," he mutters out when she wrap's her leg's around the back of his thigh's, "fuck," he mutters out more when he grip's her thigh's rolling his hip's more into her, "FUCKING YES," he growls out into the ceiling, his magic snapping like a rabid wolf across his skin.  
  
Joe almost flinches when he growls but her mind is almost too far gone with the sensation's rolling around her. His magic tugging and tugging at hers, winding tightly around each other the more he deepens the stroke's in her. Sweat bead's and rolls off her skin when she slides her hand over her stomach, feeling the slickness of it under her palm, her breathing so harsh through mouth her nose and mouth when she slip's her hand lower to the mound between her leg's. It was almost too much touching it with her finger's, but she needed too, she had to when she rubbed it gently, making her entire body shudder with the feeling and Oh sweet Maker, she could feel Orran's dick when she did it again.  
  
Hawke grit his teeth hard when he looked down between their leg's when he felt finger's touch him, and growled low in his throat when Joe ran her finger's over the mound down there, something he's never done in his life either. He gripped her thigh's a little tighter rolling his hip's more into her, watching his slickened cock and her finger's, and he growls even more at the sight of it. His magic is tugging hard at hers, trying to break through his skin, his own skin beginning to sheen the more he rolls his hip's. Maker, it was almost too much for him, his own breathing getting harsh when he feels her body tighten around him sending his magic off on a tangent.  
  
Joe's magic is going wild inside her trying to push outward, bunching the sheet's in her hand's again when he deepens his rolls in her. Everything is too much, it's too much when she feels her whole body tighten. It's too much when she feels the mound between her leg's twinge again, her body tightening more around him. And Joe screams pushing her head back in the mattress more when the feeling explodes around her, her eyes screwed tight when the feeling explodes again, feeling Orran take her hand's in his leaning over her, rolling his hip's a little more when it happens once more. And Joe feels the tear's roll down her face, he's saying something but she can't hear it when she pants out heavily when he kisses her face.  
  
"Joe," Hawke pants out at her when she comes around him, "Joe," he pants out again taking her hand's in his when it happens again her magic exploding everywhere around them. "Joejoefuckjoe," he pants out rolling his hip's more into her squeezing her hand's as he leans over her, when it happens once more sending his own magic into a frenzy around them when he comes hard in her. Hawke rest's his head on hers, slowing the roll of his hip's easing them both down from what just happened, and looks into her face watching the tear's roll down them and licks them away whispering against her face, "Beautiful, so fucking beautiful."  
  
Joe slowly opens her eyes and sucks in several deep breath's, she can't speak, word's have fled her when he leans back up letting go of her hand's to cup her face between his, and she chokes back a sob when he kisses her lip's gently his thumb's stroking her cheek's through her tear's. She's never felt more normal then she does right now even with every nerve in her body is snapping wildly. "I, feel, I feel beautiful," she manages to say against his lip's, making them both smile into the chaste kiss.  
  
Hawke frowns when he feels something cold hitting his back and tilts his head to see what, "Holy sweet Maker," he gasps out leaning up more over Joe to look about him then back down at her, "That's, this, it's never happened like this before!"  
  
Joe sucks in another breath and looks about herself too, and her eyes go huge. Frost coat all the wall's, small snow flake's drift down from the ceiling, the window and it's frame had been blown out from the wall, the small table and chair in the corner in piece's on the floor smoldering, and she looks back at him "Oh."  
  
Hawke leans back down to Joe, resting his forehead against her once more sighing against her face, "Are you alright, Love?"  
  
"Yes," she sighs out letting her eyes slip closed, "I've, I, Maker, I've never felt like this before." Joe opens her eyes slowly again and mouth's 'Thank you,' to him before leaning up to kiss him once more.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Nightmare within a dream, rape element, body horror, and Hawke has some serious issue's.

It felt, odd here, to say the least. It felt nothing like her dream's, the fluidity of the fade around her felt nothing like her dream's. This was muffled and twisted compared to the almost vivid reality of hers. It felt, off, and not because of the demons roaming around either. She's never had trouble with any of the angry spirits nor demons, nor any other being of the fade, they tended to leave her alone completely when she slept and didn't have vivid nightmare's. This boy, this odd magic pulling boy found her by accident while she was wandering about in a forest she's never even seen before, then nearly froze his backside when he bounded into her.  
  
"Please," he begged her, "You have to help me, they wont leave me alone!"  
  
She frowned at him, looking over his feature's when he fell to the ground, the almost elvish nose he had, "Who are you," she asked him backing away slowly, "How'd you get here? How in the void did I get here?"  
  
"I'm, I'm, Feynriel. Please, creator's please they wont leave me alone!"  
  
Joe frowns at him more then looks up suddenly when another came bounding through the twisted muffled fade. The blue that flickered around him out shone everything around him when the huge being came over, a sword and shield in his hand's. Joe backed off so did the boy, pulling him behind her as she tugged on the fade around her, "Stay back. I wont let you harm harm him."  
  
"I apologise, but I am not here to harm either of you. I heard his call and I came to protect you both."  
  
Joe frowned at the tall spirit and backed off more from it pulling Feynriel with her, "Look I don't know who you are, b-"  
  
"I am Justice. You already know of me, Joette."  
  
"JUSTICE AS IN-" she squeaked letting Feynriel's arm go, "What are you doing here? How'd you- how, I thought-"  
  
"There is no time to explain. The boy is attracting unwanted attention with his magic. More then there should be."  
  
The boy Feynriel's eyes went huge, looking between Joe and Justice, then to the figure's in the distance, "There they are. Oh, Mythal mother of all, protect us!"  
  
Joe looked past Justice and felt her heart quicken in her chest. A demon of pride rumbled pushing a Desire out the way to get to them, his lightening whip cracking on the ground making the fade shift and crackle. The Desire snarled and snapped it's teeth at the Pride as another joined them coming closer to them all.  
  
The boy behind her screamed backing away from them all, shaking his head as he fall's onto his backside, "No no no no, don't let them take me, PLEASE!"  
  
"Makers breath. Justice, I can't deal with those. I can't!"  
  
Justice nod's to her, the bright blue dimming to show his armour under it, and Joe can't help but gasp up at the tall spirit, his face was utterly ageless and gorgeous with neck length black hair and pale blue eyes like lyrium, "That is why I am here. I will not let them take either of you." Justice smiled briefly at her before turning his back on them both, hoisting his shield in-front of him, "I suggest you both run," he muttered before charging off towards more demon's pouring in through the twisted fade.  
  
Joe's eyes widen watching Justice run off, reaching her hand down to grab the boy pulling him up off the floor before running off in the opposite direction. The sound of battle rang out behind her, but she didn't want to look back, she didn't want to see if Justice was being felled by them or that he was felling them. Her heart pounded hard in her chest pulling Feynriel as she ran harder through the forest, she had no idea where they where going, she didn't want to ask him if he knew either.  
  
Something screamed in the distance and Joe clamped her eye's shut, hoping to the Maker, the Ancestor's, the Creator's, who ever was listening that it wasn't Justice. She wouldn't be able to handle that right now, not after what Anders did to the poor mage girl under the Gallows, then blaming Justice for it. Maker, she cried when Orran tried to stop him killing the girl, Anders throwing him against the cavern wall with a mind blast, nearly killing him. The deep blue cracks in Anders skin where nothing like Justice's pale blue, there was something wrong with Anders, something terribly wrong with him. She remembers Justice scream when the deep blue crept over Anders, she wanted to take the spirit away from him there and then, but had no idea how it would work.  
  
Feynriel fell over pulling Joe down with him, her face nearly hitting a twisted root when she fell on-top of him. Joe started to panic, feeling the rising terror go through in her when she closed her eyes scrabbling trying to get off him. It wasn't Eliam, it wasn't the dead or dying at Ostagar, she kept trying to tell herself, but the panic was almost claiming her when another scream rang out through her ear's.  
  
The dead look in the girl's face when Anders plunged his staff in her chest. The look on Orran's face when he was blasted against the wall. The blood pouring from the dead Templars around them, flowing into blue. Justice screaming for Anders to stop.  
  
_Joe pushed her hand's over her ear's at the screaming. Sound's of metal being melted against flesh, being melted away into nothing. Blood pouring down her face into the blue pouring from her mouth when she vomits everywhere. Her finger's digging into the meat under her, searching digging trying to find a away out._  
  
_Eliam's half there face mocking her from above when he pushes her into the meat, her fist's pounding on his chest as he fuck's her into it. "Ugly little MAGE DOG!" he spits at her, blue pouring from his mouth on to her face, Darkspawn tearing his armour away on his arm's, ripping out his ribcage reaching through to grab her. Joe screams again pushing him away to get up and run, blue and blood running down her leg's mingling on the ground when she stumbles into someone else, his feather's spread out like raven wing's around him._  
  
_Anders laughing hysterically at her when he grabs the collar around her neck, pulling her under the ocean of blue, black blood pouring from the open wound in his chest where the sword sits. Darkspawn running past with empty eye-socket's screaming, bloody robe's clasped in their claw's. Lyrium pours from her mouth, setting her clothes on fire when she runs again, the trail behind her soaking into the ground mingling with the blood red snow. Hand's reach out to her up out the impure, trying to grab her when she runs past them trying to get to Alistair in the distance._  
  
_His crown's weighing him down sinking into the blue and Joe screams for him to take it off, but he doesn't hear when he sinks down into the blue, the crown rolling away into the red meat. She tries to crawl to him in her hand's and knee's to save him, but it's not him when he turns to smile sadly at her, his armour dented his shield broken his sword discarded sinking into the blue. Joe grabs his hand to stop Justice from drowning in the blue and red, the huge snow flake's drifting down over them sticking to her tear soaked face, pulling him free from the deep blue blood._  
  
_"Let me go," he whispers, but she shakes her head at him, pulling him free from the ever deepening blue trying to consume him._  
  
_"I wont, I can't," she cries out through the blood pouring over her eyes blinding her, "I will never let you go." Laughter echo's around her the more she pulls, his other hand grasping at hers, his leg's pushing out from the deep blue blood trying to swallow him whole. His face looks at hers blood pouring down it, his teeth grit trying to break free from the deep blue pulling him under, his lyrium blue eyes piercing hers his raven black hair soaked against his head, "Let me go."_  
  
_"I wont," she says again when he's free, the blue burning like liquid fire around them, "Not while I'm still alive," when he fall's on-top of her. The fade flinches around her when he looks at her again, blood dripping down his face like sweat and he smile's sadly at her again, "I know. But you will have too," he says forlornly touching her face before fading away._  
  
"What in the name of all the Creator's was that?"  
  
Joe blinks her eyes open, her breathing harsh in her ear's looking up at the fade as it should be above her, no blood, no deep blue, no snow falling but the familial green swirls of the fade. Joe swallows loudly rolling her head slowly on the ground to the boy sitting next to her with his eyes wide open looking at her, "What," she coughed clearing her rough throat, "what do you mean?"  
  
"Mythal it was like a waking nightmare!"  
  
Joe looks away quickly from him, he saw it all, he saw her nightmare's, and she choked back a sob putting the heel's of her hand's in her eyes, "OH Maker, no, no, no."  
  
"No, it's it's alright. I understand now. Creator's I understand. Nightmare's can be broken, they can be shaped and broken. The fade can be shaped and molded to help other's, I understand it now. That's why they wanted me, that's why they tried to take the face of my mother and the Keeper, they wanted me to shape the fade for them!"  
  
Joe chokes back another sob as he entire body shook, "I, don't understand."  
  
Feynriel huffed next to her, "Sorry. I'm, not used to talking with other's, especially here of all place's. The Keeper called me a Dreamer, a, a, fenedhis what did she call me?"  
  
"A somniari. That is what the Keeper called you."  
  
Joe pulls her hand's away from face to look up at Justice, and chokes back another sob when he looks down at her laying on the ground. She did this whole thing in-front of both of them, and Maker did the panic start to rise up in her again, "I thought, I, what's going on?" she whispers out at them both.  
  
Justice sighs looking back at Feynriel and shook his head at him, "We helped him sometime ago. We, I, we all entered the fade to help save the boy, but we could not find him where he was supposed to be. Only echo's of where he once stood. The twisted where eager to possess him, but we could not find him. But you," Justice smile's down at Joe again, "have managed to find him and we both saved him."  
  
"Along with seeing my nightmare's," she mutters covering her face up again with her hand's.  
  
"WHAT? No, Creator's no. I saw my own nightmare's coming for me, and I, I stopped them while he was fighting the demons. I broke my nightmare, and you, I couldn't see your's."  
  
Feynriel shook his head and sighed while he stood up, "I saw nothing of your's but looked like it was as bad as mine. I should of listened to her, but, fenedhis, I was too stubborn to even care. I'm sorry," he looked at Justice and put out his hand while Joe sat up, "I was trying to run away from them when I should of faced them. Thank you, both of you."  
  
Joe sits there utterly confused still shaking while Justice spoke more with the boy away from her. She's never heard of a Somniari, she's never heard of anyone being able to shape dream's and break nightmare's, but he never saw hers, just his own. Joe slowly breathed in through her nose and out her mouth when she looked about herself, pulling her knee's up nearly under her chin. It did feel different now, not so muted and muffled and twisted, but calm and peaceful like it sometimes is. But Maker, she would have to have a bloody nightmare while trying to save him.  
  
Joe rested her head on her knee's, wrapping her arm's around them wondering how long ago they ventured into the fade with out her. Orran would of let her come, Varric would of too, but why didn't they. She breathed in through her nose again, and held it calming herself down, the let's it out slowly, her breath warm on her leg's.  
  
"Joette?"  
  
Joe blinks her eyes and slowly lift's her head to Justice, "Maker, how many time's do I need to tell you. Just call me Joe," she smiles at him when he kneels down in-front of her. He still wore his ageless face, still had the raven black neck length hair, but his eyes burned like lyrium looking over her face, one's she almost recognised, "I apologise," he says quietly, "Are you, alright Joe?"  
  
"Not really," she murmured lowering her eyes, "I'm, so confused. I shouldn't even be here."  
  
"I believe the boy pulled you in when he felt you near," Justice huffed out a sigh that sounded more human then spirit, "I tried to reach out to you also, but I could not find you. I, felt a shift in the fade and felt Feynriel, so, I followed."  
  
Joe slowly looked up at him, his face was forlorn again like it was- Joe shook her head and clamped her eyes shut, "Why? Why where you trying to find me?"  
  
Justice sighed again putting his hand over hers, and she felt the rush of the fade go through her making her gasp out at it, "I tried to find you before, to, tell you, to," he looked away from her, "I saw your nightmare's, Joe. I saw what you suffer. It is not just for one such as yourself to suffer these alone. Anders does not understand, he believes he does but he does not. His mind is, conflicted with his own emotion's creating thing's that are not there. Always angry."  
  
"Justice, what do you mean?"  
  
"I," Justice looked back at her and smiled sadly, "I tried to reach out to you at Redcliffe when you cried out for Mercy. I tried again at Ostagar but I could not reach you when you walked through the dead. When I was pulled through at Kinloch, I was, confused, that is where I was not supposed to be. Anders tried to save me, but he already tried to call upon another when the sword went through him. Vengeance."  
  
Joe's eyes went wide at him, "Makers breath."  
  
"Indeed," Justice smiled at her again, "I have been trying to talk to you with no success, until now. But we do not have much time before you wake up. There is much we need to talk about, but we can try again soon. But not now. There is much, going on and, I do not wish to loose you again," he smile's sadly again brushing his finger's down her face before sighing.  
  
Joe feels even more confused when he stands, and walks away from her, and Joe sucks in a shuddering breath when he vanishes out of the fade. What was going on?  
  
*****  
  
Aveline hums to herself when she walks through the Lowtown market, nodding to her fellow guards as they all go on their rounds. She shifts her new armour slightly, it still pinched in places it shouldn't but she's still proud wearing it none the less. Another of her guard go by her, and she nod's to them, they don't nod back when they walk quickly by. Aveline stop's and frowns at the man, she doesn't recognise him at all, and back peddles to catch him up.  
  
He walks even more quickly away from her when he looks over his shoulder, then practically starts to run through the market making Aveline sigh out, chasing after him through the crowd's. She knows all the people under her command, she bloody well should seeing as she's their captain now. Aveline pushes through the people blocking her, keeping an eye on the man running around a corner, and then he stumbles backwards a short distance then fall's to the ground with an arrow in his head.  
  
Aveline slows her pace down pulling her sword and shield free, looking down at the man on the ground then feels a tap on her pauldron, "Aveline?"  
  
Aveline's eyes go wide at Joe standing in-front of her, shorn hair, multiple earring's, new armour and one Maker of a nice new bow in her hand's, "Joette? What, who is he," she ground's out pointing her sword at the dead man on the ground, "and why did you kill him?"  
  
"I don't know if you noticed Captain, but there have been a LOT of rape's going on in Lowtown," Joe spits on the dead man on the ground making Aveline flinch a little, "and he's the prick who's been doing it."  
  
"Then you should of told a guard," Aveline shakes her head at Joe then clamp's her eyes at her mistake, "Maker, sorry."  
  
"Hmmph, as if your lot ever did anything to help out when the elves went up there to complain, Aveline," Joe spits at her armour, "So, going to arrest me for cleaning filth of the street's? Be a bit hypocritical of you, maybe you should arrest yourself as well."  
  
Aveline back's off from Joe, the sneer on her lip's when she looks at her, then wrinkle's her nose up at the other woman, "Maybe I should just arrest Hawke considering he's been coursing more trouble in this city then anyone else, Joette. You know what he's been doing right?"  
  
"Oh, what he's been doing? YOUR FUCKING JOB! THAT'S WHAT CAPTAIN!"  
  
"Makers breath what's happened to you?" Aveline at that point had backed even more when Joe started to edge forward to her, "I knew I should of gotten you away from him."  
  
Joe just shakes her head at her, taking the arrow back from the man's head before slipping it into the quiver on her hip. Aveline wanted to be able to talk to her friend, but every-time after Joe ran off, every-time she went to Hawke's home, he would slam the door in her face telling her Joe was busy, or she wasn't there. She was worried for her friend, Hawke was utterly and completely dangerous with what he's been doing, and Joe obviously doesn't know.  
  
"Joet- Joe, please listen to me. I've been trying to talk to you for month's now. I wanted to apologise. Maker Joe look at me please."  
  
"I said you would turn a blind eye to what's going on, didn't I. You turned a blind eye to that rapist," Joe spat on the man again, "You ignored the elves when they came to you for help, so I took matter's into my own hand's. So, arrest me if you want."  
  
"What about Kelder? Did you kill him too?"  
  
Joe looked back to Aveline, her eyes searching her face before nodding then sighs a "Yes."  
  
"A was a sick man anyway, Joe. He took elven children and did, dreadful thing's to them. I, just," Aveline sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "I suppose you killed the Templars Paxley and Ruvena as well."  
  
"I, no, I don't even know who these people are!"  
  
Aveline sighed again dropping her hand from her temple's, "Okay okay. Kelder and this piece of shit, but nobody else?"  
  
Joe shook her head again, slumping her shoulder's, "No. I'm, I'm just a runner for Varric, I get to see thing's other people turn a blind eye too, Aveline. Maker, I'm sorry. I just, I'm just trying to help out."  
  
Aveline nod's and smile's at Joe. The younger woman did look far different then she remembers, more open, willing to go the distance to help those who can't help themselves when no-one helped her. Aveline respected her greatly pulling herself out of hell into a new world with so many possibilities open for her now.  
  
"Let me get a couple of my guards, and, maybe we can talk, Joette. I've missed our talks."  
  
Joe snorted and nodded her head at her, "So have I. It's nearly lunch, and I'm sodding starving," she grins.  
  
*****  
  
Hawke bounds up the stair's to the Viscount's keep, pushing past people exiting the building. The bastard finally accepted that he and his brother where rightful heir's to the Amell estate. All those trinket's and treasure's they found in the deep road's bought in hundred's of thousand's of sovereigns, well beyond what Varric even thought, to the point the dwarf had to be righted back on his seat when the total knocked him off it.  
  
Hawke drank heavily that night, cheering with both Varric and Fenris that they where all riding high. A wealthy mage outside the Imperium, sticking his finger's up at the Templars hounding him, well the one's he didn't kill that was. He smiled wide going through the place, even smiling at Bran when the man just rolled his eyes at him. Viscount Dumar was giving him the official paper's today, giving him full access to his own fucking mansion. Not like he hadn't started to fix the place up already with Varric and his brother's help. Maker, they were rolling in it, and Bartrand got the stupid statue.  
  
There where so many thing's he wanted to do to the place, and now that he could afford to do so, he will. Like setting a nice room aside for his brother when he would come and stay, as long as he left his Templar armour behind. Get Fenris out of his old master's place and into his. He and Joe having proper bed's to sleep in, and Maker did his heart race at that. Okay they haven't slept together again after that first night, but he didn't push it. Yes he loved Joe more then he should, but there relationship was bound on trust and friendship,  
and if she ever wanted more with him, he wouldn't say no but he wouldn't push it.  
  
Hawke didn't bother listening to half the bullshit coming from the Viscount's mouth when the paper's were handed over, he just nodded and smiled, then practically ran out of his office, out of the keep to his mansion. Maker, he felt giddy as a child when he bounded down the step's to Hightown proper, he couldn't wait to fling every window, every door open in the place, and yell at the top of his lung's that this was his now and nobody else's.  
  
Hawke held his head high walking past the coffee house's near the market, and smiled wide at everyone going by. His heart hammered loud in his ear's and then, nearly stopped when he spotted Aveline and Joe talking sitting outside one of the Antivan coffee house's. The smile dropped from his face when they both laughed together, and felt the anger boil up in him. Aveline had no right talking with Joe, not after all the time he's spent keeping the flame haired woman away from her. Hawke fisted his hand's by his side and slowly made his way over to them, trying keep him composure, but his teeth ground into dust the closer he got.  
  
"-nd then I said, 'It's a nice night for an evening!' Maker I wished the ground swallowed me up right there and then," Aveline laughed.  
  
"Holy shit, Aveline. That's just, that's just terrible," Hawke watched Joe throw her head back and laugh loud then look serious back at Aveline, "Did it work?"  
  
"Um," Aveline blush matches the colour of her hair.  
  
"Aveline, that's- Well I'm happy for you. I hope he treat's you well, if not, I'll kick his Maker given backside. Guard or no guard."  
  
Hawke stopped his stalk and hid around the corner of the place to listen more. Aveline was going out with one of her own guards, and made an utter fool of herself in the process, but yet-  
  
He shook his head at that, that bloody flame haired bitch managed to snare herself some poor fucking idiot, and he, he had no-one. Not even Anders, he pushed the man well away from him after the Gallows incident, the other mage nearly killing him, and killed the little girl anyway, then blaming Justice for the whole fucking thing. Hawke wanted Joe too, but, he wouldn't push it on her in-case she said no. Maker, he did love her, he still didn't know how to handle it at all. They made love, and it was the most beautiful thing he's ever done, even with the accidental bursts of magic. But he needed to keep his distance and let her come to him, he could wait, while he shoved his hand down his pants thinking about it.  
  
"Orran, if your trying to play hide and go seek, you not doing a very good job at it!"  
  
Fuck!  
  
"NO, I was, um," Hawke stepped out around the corner and cocked his head at the two woman, "I was admiring the view." He smirked and winked before kicking himself internally at it.  
  
"Makers breath, Hawke. Just sit down."  
  
Hawke bit the inside of his cheek pulling out a chair at the table, and nodded at Aveline before smiling at Joe, "Nice day for a afternoon, isn't it."  
  
Aveline's face went bright red again, hiding her face between her hand's while Joe burst out laughing at them both, nearly knocking her coffee cup over. Hawke bit his lip hard at it, hearing Joe's laugh washing over him like summer rain. Oh Maker, he had it bad. Very very bad for her if he's thinking up crap like that!  
  
"So," he coughs clearing his really rough throat, "I have the official paper's from the Viscount. I now own the Amell estate, which will be forth hence known as the Hawke mansion."  
  
"Forth hence? Andraste's arse, Orran, you've had the place five minute's and your already sounding like one of them" Joe thumbed behind her shaking her head.  
  
Hawke shrugged picking up Joe's coffee cup stealing what's left in it before smirking again at her face, "Should of heard my dad when he got going. He spouted all kinds of fucking shit from his mouth, then he swore like a pirate, and then threw punches at everyone while flinging fireball's."  
  
"So I see where you get it from."  
  
Hawke nodded at Aveline putting Joe's cup back down, "Yup, I take after him in every way. Height, build, hair colour, everything."  
  
"Yet Carver and Bethany look nothing like you," Aveline muttered looking the other direction.  
  
Hawke frowned at her, cocking his head, "Yeah we do. Me and Carver have the same colour eyes."  
  
"Yes, but you look nothing like them nor Leandra. I'm just saying there's no fam-"  
  
Hawke felt his blood boil in him, how dare she, "Their my fucking family, Captain," he spat at her pushing away from the table, "You have NO FUCKING RIGHT!"  
  
"Hawke, sit and calm down."  
  
"NO I FUCKING WONT," he shouted making every person around them to look at him raging at the Guard Captain, "How dare you. How fucking dare you."  
  
"Hawke please. I'm just sayi-"  
  
Hawke flipped the table over and grabbed Aveline by her arm's pulling her up out of her chair, before pinning her to the wall by her neck before she could even do anything, "Why wont you just shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch!"  
  
The blood rushed past his ear's, setting his skin on fire, his rage topped out as he squeezed her neck choking the life out of her. The thrill of sending his magic off into a frenzy, singing down his arm's watching her eyes roll up into the back of her head, her arm's and leg's kicking and punching to get him away from her, but he just squeezed more lowering his face into hers, "Pathetic."  
  
"LET HER GO ORRAN. MAKERS SAKE LET HER GO!"  
  
Joe, his mind supplied letting Aveline's neck go slightly, the woman choking back breath's still trying to push him away. Hawke closed his eyes letting Aveline go fully before stepping away, he just did this, right in-front of her. He let his anger get the better of him right in fucking front of Joe. He sucked in a deep breath to stem the tide that was roiling in him, and stepped away more.  
  
Everyone saw him, everyone saw him nearly kill the Guard Captain all because she hit a nerve. Maker take him, he did this in-front of everyone.  
  
Shame crept up in him as he backed away more, not even facing Joe when he fled away from them to his now mansion.  
  
He just fucked up. He just fucked up badly. He was no better then his father at this point, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Hate sex and self hate. Hawke really does have serious issues.

Joe pulled the piece of vellum towards her and smiled. Fenris was getting better, even if his scrawl was a little comical when he held the charcoal with his tongue hanging out in concentration. Joe nodded at him and wrote another word on the vellum, one he should be able to recognise if he's been practicing like he should instead of drinking and poking fun at Anders.  
  
Maker, those two could argue to the point where it almost go physical. Just mere inches away from both of them throwing fist's and fireball's, both glowing blue when they snapped and snarled at each other. Merrill would tether them with her vine's when it got that way, to pull them apart making them both turn on the petite dalish instead.  
  
Joe sighed pushing the vellum over to the eager Fenris, then watched his face light up when he mouthed each letter, "Fenris, it spells Fenris."  
  
"Yes it does," Joe beamed at him then tapped the vellum, "And what about the one under it?"  
  
He mouthed each letter and frowned, then did it again, his mouth silently sounding out each letter before grinning, "Joette."  
  
"Well done. Maker you learning faster then I can keep up," she grinned at him again, "Soon you'll be teaching those sodding Tevene swears you so polity throw about!"  
  
"All in due time, my friend. I need to learn how to write fuck first," he said so deadpanned she couldn't help but laugh hard at it.  
  
"Fuck first, swears later?" Joe realised what she said and blushed profusely hiding behind her hand's at Fenris' chuckle and cluck of his tongue.  
  
"If you want."  
  
Joe blushed even more behind her hand's, she may of lost her virginity properly with Orran, but she never even considered being with anyone else. She liked, Orran, she thought right up until the thing with Aveline those few week's back. That scared the shit out her watching him pin Aveline against the wall, the pure look of hate and enjoyment trying to kill her. She had a horrific nightmare that night about it, one she didn't want repeated ever again, but she knew it would crop up again in her dream's.  
  
"Maker Fenris," Joe cleared her throat and lowered her hand's from her face, Fenris had his tongue out again writing the word's on another piece of vellum. His lyrium snapped and tugged at her, it should make her feel sick being this close to it, but it never did.  
  
Joe studied his face out the corner of her eye, while trying to write more word's down. He was quiet handsome under all that hate, his young feature's belying his age, to which he had no idea about, but he was probably around the same age as her. His hair was as white as virgin snow, eyes as green as emerald's. Joe dipped her eyes over his arm's, which where just as toned as hers hefting the huge sword about like it was air. He was taller then the average elf, the same height as her and she was 5 foot 9. Tall for a dwarf.  
  
Joe chuckled under her breath looking at the vellum in-front of her, then sighed loudly at what she wrote, "Makers ball's, see what you made me do!"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"I wrote fuck on it," Joe blushed again pushing it away from her, only to have it snatched up by Fenris to sound out the letter's before snickering.  
  
"Fuck first, swears later, Joe," he snickered again copying the letter's, then writing more under it, not allowing Joe to see when she tried to peak, "Not yet!"  
  
She sighed loudly again rolling her eyes sitting back in the chair, running a hand over her head. She needed to shave it again soon, it felt right having it that short. Joe licked the piercing at the corner of her mouth, the one Anders gave her after he practically begged her to come back on his hand's and knee's, outside the hovel. She should of kicked his arse down the step's, but he was her best friend, she wanted to try and save him from himself. And save Justice from Vengeance. Maker, she hadn't seen Justice in the fade since Feynriel, and that was a few month's back. She hoped he was alright, she, felt odd around him to say the least she didn't know if he was telling the truth about Redcliffe and that, but it was his eyes that burned through her soul more then anything.  
  
A tap on Joe's shoulder made her jump when the piece of vellum Fenris was writing on was put in-front of her, while he got up and moved away. She looked down at it, then clamped a hand over her mouth, 'Joe. You smell like apples, i wish to fuck you. Fenris.'  
  
Joe's heart leaps into her mouth, he, wanted to, her. But- She blinked a few time's at the word's, he couldn't be serious, there's no way he could be. Joe thinks back on all the night's they spent together talking quietly beside the fire, sharing drinks and word's. Maker, no, they all knew he-  
  
"Fenris," Joe muttered still looking at the vellum, "um, what you wrot-"  
  
A hand cupped her face from behind, making her flinch at it feeling Fenris' finger's brush down to the side of her neck, his mouth right next to her ear as he whispered in his dark voice into it, "There is somebody watching us."  
  
Joe flinched again, who the bloody hell would be watching them? They weren't doing anything but reading and writing. Fenris' hand went over her shoulder, his breath warm against the side of her face, sending gooseflesh all over her when he whispered again, "I believe it is someone we both know quiet well."  
  
"Who?" Joe whispers turning her head towards Fenris', feeling the lyrium almost singing in her ear's like a struck stone when she looks up at him.  
  
"Hawke," he mutters looking down at her lip's when she looks up at him.  
  
Joe frowned slightly but didn't look behind her. Why would he be here? What the fuck was he doing here? "Huh," was all she could say when she looked at Fenris' lip's in return when he lent down more.  
  
"Kiss me," he whispered leaning in more, cupping her face with both hand's making Joe's breath hitch feeling the lyrium against her skin.  
  
Joe searched his face the closer he got, and parted her lip's when she lent up to his, and kissed him. The lyrium in him rang right through her, every bone in her body began to sing and vibrate when he slipped his tongue into her mouth, her finger's bunching up in his tunic. Maker take her, it sang right through her like the fade, and she closed her eyes feeling it run through her body like liquid fire.  
  
She couldn't help the small moan that came from her mouth when they parted briefly so she could stand, his arm's wrapping around the back of her head so he could plunge his tongue back into her mouth. The singing was so loud in her ear's she almost couldn't hear when she touched the line's under his tunic. Fenris pushed his tongue further, slicking it against hers when the kiss deepened.  
  
And then they heard it, something being thrown in the foyer before the front door slammed shut.  
  
Fenris pulled back letting his arm's drop away from her shaking his head, "I needed to be sure it was him. Sorry."  
  
Joe swallowed loudly not hearing him at all, just echo's of the word's going through her mind. The song was still loud in her ear's, her body still feeling it was like liquid fire, burning from the inside out, her bones vibrating like a struck bell. She could almost hear the stone's around her whisper, albeit faintly.  
  
It. Was. Beautiful.  
  
"Joe? Joe? Venhedis Joe can you hear me?"  
  
"I, yes, fuck, I can hear you," Joe shook her head and blinked her eyes a few time's letting her vision swim back to normal, "Maker sorry. I'm fine."  
  
Fenris smiled softly at her and nodded, "Fuck indeed. I, did not mean for us to kiss. But I had to be sure I wasn't hearing thing's. It was pleasant enough though, but I believe I am still not interested in women," he chuckled looking down to the front of his leggings.  
  
Joe blushed and smirked at him, "Well, I'm glad we just cleared that up then. Shall we, continue our lesson's or would you prefer some alone time thinking about good looking men again?"  
  
"Fasta Vass, Joe! Lesson's please, I will think of men later."  
  
*****  
  
Hawke lent his head back against the alleyway's wall, arching his hip's forward while he undid the laces of his pants. Maker, he was as hard as stone after facing the damned Arishok down, throwing the dwarf's body at him to say it was done. The fucking Qunari had the cheek to get in his fucking face yelling at him, but he never backed down, just crossed his arm's and scoffed at the raging bastard.  
  
A moan escaped his lip's when the other man's mouth went around his cock, flicking his tip with his talented tongue before licking down his shaft. Hawke grabbed the other man's hair, as his tongue went down to his ball's, sucking each one into his mouth before licking back up his shaft.  
  
Oh it was glorious to watch the Arishok's face when he yelled back at him, watching the vein's on the side of his head pulse when he pushed his finger's in the grey skinned giant's chest, telling him to get the fuck out of the city before he kill each and every single one of them. His blood raced around his body at that, seeing the Arishok's face pale, knowing it wasn't a threat when he brought in the four dead Qunari the chantry zealot's attempted to kill. He got there first of course, before killing the rest of them.  
  
"Fuck," he moaned out when the hot mouth slid down his entire length to the root, the tongue pressed flat on it when the head pulled up slowly. He grabbed the man's hair harder, urging him on, rolling his hip's slightly into that hot wet fucking mouth of his.  
  
He was angry as well at Fenris, sticking his tongue down Joe's throat. But he knew it was a ruse to get a rise out of him, which fucking worked. Everyone knew Fenris had no interest in women what so ever after they all learned about Hadriana's sick fucking pleasure's in tormenting him. But it was the fact he stuck his tongue down Joe's throat that pissed him off, and she enjoyed it by the way she moaned into it. She knew he wasn't interested, why the fuck did she moan?  
  
Hawke bucked up hard, when finger's grabbed his arse, and he rolled his hip's hard into that wet mouth, watching his cheek's hollow out fastening his pace on him. Hawke sneered his lip and grit his teeth gripping the hair even tighter, this would no way be enough.  
  
"Get the fuck off my cock," he growled under his breath, "and lean against the wall."  
  
The other man rolled his eyes pulling of Hawke's cock with an obscene pop before wiping his swollen lip's, "Makers breath, so demanding!"  
  
"Fucking do it Anders!"  
  
Anders grinned when he stood up, licking his lip's before turning around undoing his own pants letting them drop around his ankle's putting his hand's against the wall, "Whatever you want, oh mighty Hawke."  
  
Hawke rolled his eyes grabbing Anders hip's hard, pulling him away from the wall, then bit his lip when he slid his full length into Anders already well prepared arsehole, "Fucking knew it," he ground out when he pulled out slightly, "always willing. Slut."  
  
"Your the one with your dick up my arse fucking me, remember!"  
  
Hawke slammed hard back into him making Anders entire body shake, the small whimper escaping his lip's when Hawke did it again, "Shut the fuck up, circle slut."  
  
He pulled Anders back more, snapping his hip's hard into the other mage, while Anders fisted his own cock with one hand planted on the wall. Maker he hated the fucking mage with a passion, this was nothing more then hate sex on both part's. The other mage was always willing ready and able, always. Hawke wanted to spit on him while he grabbed Anders hair pulling his head back as he fucked Anders hard. Was he any better sticking his cock up Anders arse, no he wasn't, he couldn't slip that mentality fucking the other mage into the wall.  
  
Anders moaned out loud in the alleyway making Hawke grit his teeth hard. He was always so fucking loud no matter who he was with. Even Joe caught Anders with his arse in the air getting fucked by some brothel whore in the clinic. Hawke almost stuttered his hard pace on Anders, why was he thinking about Joe now with his own cock in Anders arse? Maker take him, he needed to stop thinking about her all the time.  
  
Anders moaned even louder again when he came against the wall, and kept stroking himself as he always did. 'Poxy bloody Warden stamina', Hawke thought when he bent Anders over even more, spreading his leg's with his own so he could finish this up, piss off and go home. He was feeling disgusted with himself doing this, he should of just gone home and wanked it off. Instead here he was fucking Anders, again, because the damned fellow mage was a willing partner. Maker take him, he promised himself he wouldn't do this any more, but at least he's not sucking cock for favour's.  
  
Anders moaned again spending himself once more against the wall, and Hawke couldn't take it any more. He pulled himself out of Anders and tucked himself away as fast as he could not even giving Anders a second look before bounding back home. He was no better then the circle slut behind him. He was no better then his father. He was no better then the rest of the garbage in the shit hole of a city.  
  
He could hear Anders behind him calling out for him, but he didn't want to listen. He needed to stop this bullshit now before it got worse. At least he didn't wave his arse about like the other mage, he's only fucked Anders and Joe here in Kirkwall. Hawke shook his head, he needed to stop thinking about her, he really did after what he did with Aveline. He loved Joe, he really did, the first woman he's ever loved, but it had to remain platonic, it had to. Maker, he was just lying to himself when he pushed the front door open. She lost her virginity proper with him, and what does he do, he fuck's Anders instead.  
  
He would rather loose her and gain nothing then to let Anders touch him again and gain everything. He was a fool, the biggest fool in Thedas if he thought he could do any of this. His mother would of brow beat him down, his father would of beat him shitless for all of this. But they were dead, and there was nothing he could do to bring them back.  
  
Hawke choked back a sob when he got to his room, slamming the door behind him. He was Thedas' biggest fucking looser there ever was. He hated himself, he hated everything about him, he wished he could strip it all away to stop the self hate he would always feel. He was nothing but the dirt beneath his boot's.  
  
*****  
  
"What's got your wispy self all in a flutter little one?"  
  
The wisp flickered it's green glow then hid behind Joe while they walked through the fade together. Joe rolled her eyes at it, then snickered when it settled on her shoulder's going past a very old ruin she's never seen before.  
  
"Huh, I wonder what this used to be. Doesn't look Tevinter, nor, elvish. Maybe dwarven?" Joe cocked her head at the broken stone's, then shook her head, it didn't look like anything she knows, she'd have to write that down later what she found.  
  
Both of them walked further into the old ruin's, tower's rising high above her capped in tarnished gold, the old wall's had crumbled a long time ago leaving only a few section's still standing. It felt empty and hollow, like nobody had visited this place in a very long time, and in all honesty that made Joe a little sad looking at it. It must of looked beautiful once, towering over everything, people bustling about doing their daily chore's. But all there was, was nothing, not even echo's of lives long past, no spirits or demons roaming about among it.  
  
There was nothing? Joe realised there was absolutely nothing roaming through it. Even her wisp seemed loath to be in here, shaking on her shoulder like a leaf.  
  
"Hmm, I get your point. We'll leave, but don't think I wont write this down. Just a shame what ever this place was, is so empty and forgotten."  
  
The wisp bobbed as to say yes, then went back to quivering on her shoulder then she walked out of the ruin's. Joe wished she could of stayed, she doubted she would ever find this place again in the ever shifting dream's of the fade. She would always write down interesting thing's she's found, in detail, even going as far as drawing them when they seem lost to time. Joe sighed looking behind her, there was a story here, but whatever it was this place would never tell her.  
  
The fade shifted slightly around her while she was looking over the huge tower's of spires mixed with tall tree's, and her wisp flickered blight nearly blinding Joe.  
  
"Maker's breath your twitchy tonight!"  
  
"I apologise Joe, I did not mean to frighten the little one."  
  
Joe's face almost split in two when she heard Justice's deep voice behind her, and turned to face the tall ageless spirit.  
  
"Justice, it's been a while. I was getting worried."  
  
Justice dimmed his blue glow and smiled down at her, then sighed out when he looked up at the ruin's, "This place used to have such life about it. But now it sits empty and forgotten by even our standard's."  
  
Joe frowned at his expression, it was almost sad. She didn't know spirits could have so many emotion's, maybe everything she knows and everyone else knew about them where wrong.  
  
"Did you know this place well then, Justice?"  
  
"I do not. It is well before I was created. But there used to be whispers from other's of this empty place having echo's around it. But many of them are now long gone," Justice looked back at her even more sad, "torn away from this place against their will to be subjected to torment. It is not just."  
  
Joe knew what he meant. So many of his kind taken and twisted into thing's they where not supposed to be. Just like the mages, just like the elven slave's. Joe shook her head looking away from the ruin's to look up at Justice, who was looking at her with his head tilted, "I'm sorry Justice. Wish there was a way to stop the madness of the mortal realm, but there's not. Trust me, I hate it sometimes."  
  
"I know. My kind wish to help your's, to some extent. But you see how well that can turn when one lies to gain a host for it's foulness."  
  
"Feynriel," Joe sighs out looking down at the ground, "Anders, among other's." Joe shrugged her shoulder and looked back at the ancient ruin's, "Your kind seem to leave me be, makes me wonder why though. My dwarven half perhaps? Considering they don't dream but I do."  
  
Justice moves a little closer to her, she can feel the tang of the fade in him even here, and Maker it was strong and overpowering as usual, "Perhaps they once did and have forgotten how too. That is beyond my existence as well. But you are half human, you have a little one with you always. They do not leave you alone, they are always around but they, they do not know how you respond to one such as yourself."  
  
Joe snorted a laugh shaking her head, "One such as me. Such a unique and talented creature, that they wont even come and say hello. How rude."  
  
"I have."  
  
Joe looked back up at Justice and smiled at him, and Maker his was beautiful to look at. His ageless flawless face, his ethereal pale blue eyes, his raven black hair that was base neck length, Maker even his height was the same as Orran's own, but his build was less bulky. Joe realises she was blushing at him when her cheek's felt warm. Joe looked away from his overpowering presence and sighed looking the opposite way of the ruin's, "Yes you did. The only one."  
  
She felt him move closer to her, making her swallow slipping her eyes closed, "I wish you could see how I see you, Joe. Your aura, it is, beautiful."  
  
"Oh? My aura?"  
  
Justice moved even closer, flickering slightly making Joe blink against the light coming from him, "Yes. It, is not like the other mages. It is," Justice sighed out moving ever closer, "pure and untouched. Even with what you went through, it is still pure. There are few who possess such purity of a soul."  
  
Joe's breath hitched when he stood in-front of her, he's never been this close before, and her blood began to sing, "I, um. I'm not exactly pure Justice, am I."  
  
"Yes you are. I see what you have done, you try and bring Justice for those who are unable to help themselves," Justice sighs again his glow dimming once more and Joe looked at what he was now wearing in-front of her. No longer his armour, no longer the sword on his hip or the shield on his back, but plain simple clothes that any person would wear. She looked up, and smiled sadly at him.  
  
"I, suppose I do. Nobody else wants to see when I, when I run."  
  
"You do it because you are pure of soul, Joe," Justice whispers, "You do it because nobody would do it for you until you broke your bond's." Joe's breath hitches again when he reaches out to her, to her neck and pulls the silver chain away from it, "Even this," he holds her fade phylactery up in his hand's, "is a broken bond. You wear it to remember, but you also wear it to forget."  
  
Joe watched him throw it away and nearly went after it, remembering she was in the fade not in the waking world. But still she looked back up at him and frowned to which he just smiled at her tilting his head again.  
  
Her blood was singing even more when he place's a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it slightly his thumb barely brushing her neck, and she almost fell onto the ground when her bones began to vibrate within her, like it did with Fenris when she touched his lyrium line's, feeling it set fire to her on the inside.  
  
"We should go else where to talk. This place is too empty to do such thing's."  
  
Joe nodded and immediately missed the touch of Justice on her when he walked away. She didn't know what to think when she followed him, the fade twisting and changing it self around them the further they walked. Everything was such a blur going by quickly as if Justice was trying to find the right place. Maker it was stunning to watch a spirit manipulate it's own world around them, she wanted to know more when the fade stopped at another set of ruin's hidden in tall fade grass and twisted tree's.  
  
"Is this, Sundermount? It looks like Sundermount."  
  
Justice shook his head looking over the ruin's, "It is not. This, this is the place I was created."  
  
Joe stumbled backwards looking over the ruin's then back up at Justice, his face looked nostalgic when he walked through the tall grass to the ruin's, his arm's and hand's out letting the grass touch his palm's.  
  
"You were, created here? I, how? When?" she had to many question's to ask, but she didn't know how to ask them all.  
  
"I wanted Justice for my death. And I became what I am now."  
  
Now she had even more question's, "You mean to tell me, you, where mortal once? But, but-"  
  
Justice cut her off when he took her hand pulling her into the ruin's more. Her heart quickened in her chest with him touching her again, taking her through an old broken wooden door, to which Justice briefly touched before going through. He took her through a crumbling hallway which still held old portrait's and candelabras along them held up by the fade, old worn away runner's lined down the hall, table's and chair's that floated in the air.  
  
Justice stopped before one of the portrait's and let's her hand go, running his hand over the face in the painting. So Joe looked and actually fell backwards onto the floor as Justice's face stared back at her, in the same full plate armour he wore now, half shorn hair on one side, but his eye colour were green instead of the pale blue.  
  
"Maker have mercy," Joe squeaked on the floor before standing up again looking at the painting, "how is that even remotely," Joe shook her head and stepped away, "how is that possible?"  
  
"It was in Ferelden many centuries ago. I was, a knight to Calenhad Theirin, you and your brother's descendant. I was," Justice took his hand away from his own face and looked down the hallway away from Joe, "I was murdered when Calenhad vanished. Most of his men were. We did not stand a chance against them. I wanted Justice for what happened to us, and I, became what I am now."  
  
Joe, didn't know what to say when he stood there with his shoulder's slumped looking down the hallway, "I'm so sorry, Justice."  
  
"No, do not be. I got what I asked for. Even if it meant my life before was lost. But I have gained so much more since."  
  
"Is that why you tried to, reach out to me? In Redcliffe, at Ostagar? Because, no, help me understand why Justice, because I don't."  
  
Justice shook his head before turning around, "I reached out because I heard your soul, Joe. I saw your need for Justice, for Mercy, for," he shook his head again and bit his lip before sighing once more, "I tried to help. But his smites would cut you away from the fade and I couldn't reach you. I did not do it because you where a Theirin, I did it because I, because-"  
  
Joe watched him back away biting his lip again before closing his eyes then turning around to run down the hallway. She had no idea what was going on when she ran after him into what she thought was the great hall. She couldn't see him anywhere in there, not in any of the other room's off the great hall, and she frowned when she went up a set of stair's to the first floor of the old castle.  
  
"Justice? Maker where are you?"  
  
There was no answer when she walked down another hall. Joe felt defeated when she pushed open another door to look with in, the room beyond was completely intact compared to the rest of the ruin's. An old wooden desk sat under the wide and tall window, paper's and letter's strewn on-top of it, a quill and inkwell sat beside an open book with nothing written on it. Joe sat down at the chair before it, and looked about herself more.  
  
Another table sat in the corner with a basin and water jug, two huge rug's lined the floor's, a bear skin hung on the wall and another laid over the back of one of the chair's in-front of the fire place. Another was laid upon the large bed in the room, a divide was along another wall with a wide and tall window, a bathing tub behind it. It felt warm in here like someone would return any moment, there was even a food tray on the bed ready and waiting for someone to eat.  
  
Joe never felt more sadder in her life then she did looking at this room that no-one would ever come back to. Her wisp flickered brightly beside her and Joe sighed at it, "I know. I, just don't know what to say. Maybe we should go back."  
  
"Please don't," a quiet voice said from the other side of the bed, "please, just stay."  
  
"Justice, I was looking for you."  
  
"I know. I'm sorry. I just, I just wanted to be here for a while."  
  
Joe stood from her seat and walked slowly over to the other side of the bed, and nearly felt her heart break in two looking at Justice with his knee's drawn up and his head bent on them. She walked slowly over to him and sunk down next to him, feeling the singing in her blood once more, "Why here?" she asked him quietly.  
  
Justice shook his head on his knee's and sighed quietly, "This was my room before everything went to hell and back."  
  
Maker, he sounded so bloody normal here, not like the spirit she's come to know, "It's, much nicer then my old room back at Redcliffe. Well, it's almost the same really, just without the bear skin's and the huge bed."  
  
Justice huffed a laugh looking up at her and she was nearly knocked sideway's, his eyes where green, even his hair was the same as in the old painting, "I killed them you know. Were always trying to sneak into the castle ground's for the hive's we had."  
  
"Heh, Eamon used to own beehive's till one of the serving boy's died from the Stine's trying to get the old goat his morning honey. Was a shame really, I wanted to bottle the bee's up and throw then into his bedchamber's."  
  
Justice laughed more letting his leg's slip down in-front of him, "Maybe some earwig's too? Wasp's even!"  
  
"Maker, earwig's, ewwww. Just, no, " Joe shuddered then laughed, "Wasp's, hornet's and bee's in a jar, shake them up and throw them in Meredith's office," she grinned at him.  
  
"Hmm," Justice tapped his chin leaning back against the bed, "What if we, throw a few hundred jar's filled with the angry bastard's and throw them into the Templar barracks then you freeze the door's shut. Fucker's wouldn't know what hit them."  
  
Joe barked out a laugh at him swearing, even his voice had soften from the deep rumbling baritone to, well, something less rumbling, "I can't believe you just swore! Twice!"  
  
Justice snorted and shook his head, "I used to swear a lot. Lost count the amount of time's I got clipped on the back of the head for it by Calenhad. Though, he was just as bad, so where every other soldier under his command. Seems like a long time since I felt, normal."  
  
Joe nodded her head and lent back on the bed as well, stretching her leg's out, "I know what you mean. Though, really I've not exactly been normal most of my life, except these past few year's. Yeah okay, even that's not exactly normal, but I sort of feel it."  
  
"As if normal was anything good. Nothing wrong with being different, Joe."  
  
Joe looked back at him and grinned even more, "You can say that again. I'm anything but normal. And I bloody love it now!"  
  
Justice wrinkled his nose and snorted again, making Joe's inside's feel really really squishy looking at him, "Good. Hmm..."  
  
"Hmm what?"  
  
"There's still food on the bed, want some?"  
  
"Justice, it's fade food!"  
  
"As if that fucking mattered," he grinned at her before standing, "If you don't get up off the floor, I'll just have to eat it all myself."  
  
Joe barked another laugh at him sticking his nose up in the air, putting his hand's on his hip's before tossing head, walking over to her to get to the other side of the bed, "Makers breath, your as bad as Alistair when he was younger. Such a bloody fruit cake he was, a moody bloody fruit cake."  
  
She heard Justice chuckle when she stood up brushing her backside off, before sitting down on the bed. Justice shoved the tray half way on the bed then flopped down on it, grinning up at the ceiling, "Been a long time since I've done this too. Forgot how comfy this thing was."  
  
"Oh? And how comfy is comfy? Had many a friend to make it even more homely?"  
  
Justice shook his head and looked over at Joe, "Only one."  
  
"Oh," Joe felt bad for even saying it judging by the look on his face, he or she meant a lot to him, "Sorry. Didn't mean to- ugh."  
  
"No, I mean only one," he point's to her and smile's, "I only ever had one person in my life before. Was a brief thing before she left. Was never in this bed though. Okay, that, sounded better in my head then it did."  
  
"Ahh," Joe mutters looking at the fade cheese wedge in her hand, then sighs out loudly, "If you don't mind Justice, I, Maker I'd like to come back here. Study this place, if I remember how to-"  
  
A flash of blue made her jump and looked over at Justice, who was no longer laying on the bed. He was gone before she could ask him, pulled back into fucking Anders. Joe threw the fade cheese against the wall then cried into her hand's.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Self hate, character deaths, child death, minor self harm, grief.

_'It would seem Kirkwall has a new Champion.'_  
  
Hawke took hold of his hair and pulled it tight-  
  
_'We are saved!_ '  
  
Bringing it over his shoulder picking up the shears that laid on the table-  
  
_'Vinek kathas.'_  
  
He cut just under the first tie letting it fall onto the floor-  
  
_'She's gone, Maker there's nothing I can do!'_  
  
Hawke pulled the other tie free dropping into the the table-  
  
_'YOU WILL DO AS I SAY, MAGE!'_  
  
He took a handful of his hair and cut it a few inches away from his head-  
  
_'Hawke, I'm so sorry.'_  
  
He pulled more of his hair tighter as he cut more away from him letting it fall onto the floor-  
  
_'You are blind, I will MAKE you see.'_  
  
Hawke choked back a sob when he cut more of his hair away, feeling his hand's shake-  
  
_'Serve your city, apostate. Lest I see you thrown into the Gallows.'_  
  
Tear's streamed down his face cutting more of his hair, the strands drifting lazily down to the floor-  
  
_'Brother, she was, she, no no no there's no way!'_  
  
He dropped the shears back onto the table before leaning on it, the tear's falling between his finger's the harder he cried-  
  
_'I'm sorry Serah, he was dead when we found him.'_  
  
Hawke fell onto the floor, unable to look at himself in the mirror any longer, he felt unclean, dirty, filthy as he sobbed hard with his hand's still gripping the table, his entire body shaking the harder he sobbed.  
  
It was gone, all of it, his entire family gone. He wanted to pick the shears back up and stab himself in the heart with them. He had nothing left, no family, hardly any friend's, he had nothing more to give this city. And now, now Meredith made him a Champion of the city. A protector. A fucking saviour for saving the damned nobles.  
  
Hawke wanted to laugh, he saved them all, but couldn't save his sister. She was long dead by the time they got there, even the Senior Enchanter Orsino could do nothing. She was dead, and pregnant. She was dead, pregnant, carrying his nephew he would never know. The Qunari took it all away for him. Took his brother too. Hung himself at his own guilt for letting his own sister down. For letting his brother down.  
  
It was all gone. He was alone. He had nothing. Nobody. Just a empty house filled with memories that would never fill it.  
  
And she made him a Champion. The bitch forced it on him so he'd be her lap dog. He would never be free again. Chained. Collared. He just wanted to fucking well die he had nothing left to give anyone.  
  
He was nothing.  
  
He did this to himself with his anger, for his fucking pride, for his fucking legacy. He wasn't even his mother's son. He was nothing but fucking filth. His father lied to him, his own mother lied to him. Everyone lied to him.  
  
Hawke stood up and screamed into the empty house, flinging the table and it's content's across his room, not even bothering to watch it break against the wall. He stood there with his fist's clenched looking into the mirror again, and hated what looked back at him. He was fucking filth. A degenerate mage, with no legacy. He was no better then his lying father.  
  
He was nothing.  
  
Hawke screwed his eyes shut when more tear's fell, putting his fist through the mirror, feeling his blood run down his hand to the floor. He had nothing any more. Nothing. No amount of money would bring his brother and sister back. No amount of money would bring his friend's back to him. No amount of money would fill the empty void in his soul. Nothing.  
  
Hawke sobbed harder when he stumbled over to his bed, sitting down on the edge of it heavily. He just sat there, with his arm's between his leg's letting the tear's just roll down his face, the blood from his hand drop onto the floor. He just sat there and stared at nothing. He didn't bother moving when the sun dipped in the sky. He just sat there and stared into nothing, for that was what he was, nothing.  
  
The bed dipped behind him but he didn't move, he didn't care any more. He felt nothing but numb when a pair of hand's wrapped around behind him. His eyes slide closed and choked back another sob when the head laid on-top of his pulling them close to their chest. He felt nothing, he was too numb to even feel the tug of familial magic when Joe held him tight against her. He was too numb to notice he was laying down on the bed.

He just wanted to die, he had nothing left to give anyone.

He let the fade take him, he was too empty to do anything else.  
  
*****  
  
"He's going to end up dying if we don't do something."  
  
"And what do you suggest we do? Not like I can help all the time, Joe."  
  
"Maker Justice don't you think I don't know that. I'm trying to find away to unbind you from Anders as well for fuck's sake!"  
  
"I KNOW THAT! WHAT CAN I DO?"  
  
Hawke blinked his eyes at the yelling. Why in the Maker's fucking name was Joe yelling at Justice? Who didn't sound like Justice at all. He groaned when he tried to move, his entire body felt like shit.  
  
"Joe," Justice or someone who sort of sounded like him said, "I think he's awake. I'll let you tell him where the fuck we are." Wait did he just swear?  
  
"Orran," Joe said next to him, he didn't want to look at her, he didn't want to look at anyone in his- wait, no, this isn't his bedroom.  
  
"Where," Hawke grimaced at how dry and rough his voice was, "where am I?"  
  
"Your in the fade, Orran. We had to bring you here for your own safety."  
  
Hawke frowned looking up at the wooden ceiling. He was in the fade, with Joe and Justice. Why was he in the fade? He doesn't remember falling asleep. Hawke slowly moved to sit, and groaned at all the aches going through his body. He frowned even more looking about himself, this was definitely not what he was expecting when he looked about the stone walled room, with bear skin's everywhere.  
  
"So, where the fuck am I?"  
  
"Your in my part of the fade, Hawke. Welcome to my room."  
  
Hawke looked over to the man sitting at the desk looking out the window. Hawke shook his head and looked over at Joe sitting on the edge on the bed, looking at him, "Right. So, who's he and, um, why am I in the fade again?"  
  
"That's Justice, Orran, And well, we had to bring you here. Had no choice but to," Joe sighed and looked at Justice, "You where hurting yourself and attracting unwanted attention with your, um, sorrow."  
  
"If we didn't bring you here, you'd be dead right now. Not like your not dying at any rate. You do know your fucking hand's busted right and your bleeding out in the waking world?"  
  
Hawke frowned looking at the man claiming to be Justice and shook his head, "I don't remember much. And Maker, there's no way your Justice. Where's your armour and shit? Your not who I remember in the fade from last time."  
  
Justice huffed and rolled his eyes at him, "That's because I'm trying to be normal here. But I honestly don't have much time. Anders and Vengeance are going to end up pulling me back to them soon enough."  
  
"Orran. He really is Justice. Look we can talk about this later, but I do need you to wake up. I can't. I'm trying but your not doing a good job at listening."  
  
Hawke closed his eyes again shaking his head, "What's the point. I have nothing left. I have nothing."  
  
Joe took his face in hers hand's making him look at her, "That's not true. You have us. You helped me survive, let me and Justice help you in return."  
  
"Fuck it. I have to go. Don't do anything stupid Hawke. I will kick your arse!" and with that Justice blinked out of the fade leaving just him and Joe looking at each other.  
  
"He would too. He's pretty snarky as well, and swears a lot, and damned easy on the eyes," Joe snorted then sighed at him, "Much like you, Orran. Though I'll have to sort your hair out when you wake up."  
  
"Don't, just leave me alone, Joe. I'm fucking worthless."  
  
"NO YOUR NOT!" Joe shouted at him tugging his face back to look at hers again, and Maker take him, he broke back into sobs again watching her own tear's roll down her cheek's, "Your better then this. Do you know how much I cried finding out about Bethany and Carver. Do you know how much I beat the shit out of already dead Qunari. I had to have Aveline and Fenris pull me off them. And then I flew into a rage at several of Meredith's entourage, they had to pull me off them as well."  
  
Hawke's breath stuttered looking into her eyes, he's never seen her so angry before, not even with-  
  
"Joe, I don't know what to do," he whispered out dropping his gaze from her, "I've lost everything. I have nothing more to give and she, she's collared me. She's fucking collared me Joe!"  
  
"That's why we're going to help you. You have friend's remember. You have me. You have Justice, when ever I can unbind him from fucking Anders," Joe grinds out, "Maker, your not alone, your not worthless, your not filth or dirt or nothing. You taught me that, you know, to be stronger then what you can be, I owe that all to you. Let me return that favour, please."  
  
Hawke screwed his eyes shut again, feeling the tear's once more falling down his face. She was shining as bright as the sun he knew she would be. She was burning brighter with every passing day, and he helped her do it. He helped her, "Help me, Just Joe," he said quietly opening his eyes and swallowing, "please."  
  
Joe smiled wide at him and pulled him in for a hug, making his breath hitch at it. He wrapped his arm's tight around her, both of them resting their head's against each other's shoulder's feeling the fade shift around them as he woke up.  
  
He never wanted to let her go. Ever.  
  
*****  
  
Hawke blinked his eyes feeling the wet nose of one rather happy Mabari pushing into his chin before licking it. He chuckled softy at Mutton, stroking her behind the ear's while she boofed at him licking his chin again, "Good morning to you too, little one."  
  
Mutton boofed again rolling onto her back then slipping off him, her stubby tail still wagging making Hawke laugh at her again, "Your in a good mood," Mutton yipped as to say yes, "I suppose I should get up then, hmm."  
  
Hawke burst out laughing when she flung herself off the bed to the door, then ran down the stair's yipping. He sat up and stretched his arm's over his head and groaned feeling aches and pain's run through him. All he did while he was in the fade was talk the Justice before he got pulled back away from him. Maker, Justice was most definitely easy on the eyes as Joe had so polity pointed out. He was nothing like what he remembered the spirit looking a year ago trying to find the boy. Justice was nothing like he thought he would be when they spoke, he was, normal, and one hell of a foul mouth when he got going. Not too different from himself.  
  
Hawke stretched again when he climbed out of bed and sent a quick spell through him to stop the aches, and walked over to the new table and mirror Joe got for him. He looked in it briefly to his new hair cut, new much shorter hair thanks to Joe fixing his hack at it, then ran a hand through it. He should of done this year's ago, it made his feature's stand out much more then the long waist length hair he once had. Hawke shook his head and dunked his hand's in the basin cupping his hand's before splashing it over his face. He still didn't feel right within himself at all, he still felt empty and hollow. His own spirit helper's had fled at his sorrow he's going through, his healing was reduced to not much until he could find more to help him.  
  
Hawke looked into the mirror again and lent on the table, he still looked like shit, it's only been a few week's since, since-  
  
No, he didn't want to cry again, he was already tapped out as it was. Spending evening's just curled up by Joe's side when he felt his sorrow creep over him again, he still felt filthy at what he's done over the year's, what he had to do, and didn't see what he was doing to himself in the process. He didn't want to feel the hurt of loosing both his brother and sister, but there was no getting past any of that when their pyre's where coming up soon. Hawke sighed out loud pushing away from the table going to his wardrobe, he was such a fucking mess with everything going on, he still didn't know how to handle any of it.  
  
He pulled out a clean dark shirt and a pair of pants not bothering again with smalls, and just slipped them both on before going to the kitchen to break his fast. He got to the railing before a squeal came from the kitchen and Fenris running out of it holding several apple's in his hand's. Hawke raised his eyebrow at it and was about to ask what he was doing when Joe came running out covered in flour, waving a wooden spoon at him.  
  
"Put them back, elf, or so help me."  
  
"Make me Dwarf," Fenris grinned before taking a bite out of one of the apple's.  
  
"Oh you son of a- THAT'S FOR THE PANNED CAKE'S! No, no give them- DAMMIT FENRIS!"  
  
Hawke watched Joe chase after Fenris trying to hit him with the spoon while the elf just darted around her. He couldn't help but laugh when she jumped on his back smacking his arm's so he'd drop the apple's before they both fell on the floor in a heap snickering, the apple's rolling away.  
  
Mutton yipped at Fenris trying to nip at his feet as Joe got him on his back then sat on his leg's, swatting his hand's every-time he reached for the apple's, glaring at him. Hawke shook his head going down the stair's walking over to the three of them, and picked up the apple's and shoved the one Fenris bit into in to his mouth then grinned at the elf glaring at him when he walked into the kitchen.  
  
It smelt divine in there: Tea being brewed on the stove, apple's being both stewed and sliced for the panned cake's Joe was trying to make, along with bacon and sausage's. His stomach growled loudly in the kitchen, echoing around the place. He hadn't eaten much these past few week's, but Maker was he fucking hungry now as he munched on the apple he had in his mouth.  
  
"Here, you want one, you can have ONE. Maker, you couldn't wait till I was done?"  
  
Hawke looked over his shoulder at them both coming back in, Fenris holding Mutton under his arm, shaking his head at Joe, "Sorry, It's taking too long. Even Mutton agrees with me!" the  
dog yipped, "See. Venhedis, hurry up woman."  
  
Joe shook her head and mixed the batter in the bowl more under her arm, reminding him of his mother doing the same thing, reminding him when Bethy and Carver would do the same thing  
before, before-  
  
Hawke sat down at the table, putting his head in his hand's, he didn't want to cry any more, he still didn't want to feel. He really didn't. Everyone was trying to help him, everyone, and he still didn't know what to do. A mug of tea was put in-front of him, and he smiled looking up at Joe smiling at him before she returned to the stove, flipping the panned apple cake's over. It seemed like a lifetime ago he was doing this for her. It's been four year's now, four fucking year's, and how the table has turned.  
  
The broken, beaten woman was now helping fix the broken, beaten man. Now he knows how Joe felt when someone finally helped her, that she could never put into word's.  
  
Gratitude.  
  
*****  
  
He wanted to be alone when he sat in the fade. He just wanted everyone to leave him alone while he sat on the rock over looking the fade version of the waking sea, the tides slowly rolling along the shore, before being sucked back out again. He just wanted to watch until he woke back up again. He hated the day before, having to watch his brother, sister and nephew burn on the pyre's. He wanted to jump up on-top of them and burn as well. Even the mage who loved Bethany, who would of given him a nephew was next to their bodies, a man he would never know, a man he would never call brother. So many dead, pyred because of the Qunari rampaging through the city. So many families torn apart by what they did. Why did it have to be his as well.  
  
Aveline even pyred Donnic, the man she was going to marry, the man she fucking loved was snatched away from her. They both spoke quietly after the pyre's, both apologising to one an other for thing's said and done of the past four year's. But a few word's would never bring them as friend's, she still didn't trust him and he didn't trust her, but they shared their grief over what had happened.  
  
Hawke lowered his head and closed his eyes, he's never felt more lost and alone then he's ever done. But he wasn't alone. Never alone. He had Joe trying to help him, comforting him. He had Justice when the spirit could break free enough from Anders. He had Fenris clucking his tongue at him living under the same roof. He had Varric and his bullshit story telling. He would say Merrill but nobody knew where she went after the Qunari attack, just upped and vanished. Varric heard she fled with a certain pirate and a book, but they could be tall tale's for all they knew. He would say Anders, but the other mage was turning manic being with Vengeance.  
  
Maker, he wanted to go back to Ferelden, he wanted to go home. But what was there for him? Nothing. Nothing but more bad memories and no home to go to. He didn't want to stay in Kirkwall either, but with Meredith putting him in the roll as Champion, leashing him to her, he had no where else to go. None of them did except Varric. The dwarf was born and raised in the garbage city, with it's garbage people, who made friend's with garbage people, like him.  
  
Sound's of someone walking behind him made him sigh out, "I want to be alone." He didn't bother looking to see who it was, who stopped quiet a distance away from him. He just wanted...  
something.  
  
"I understand, Hawke."  
  
Hawke sighed again and shook his head, "Sorry Justice, I just, I need, Maker I don't know what the fuck I want right now."  
  
"A friend?"  
  
"I suppose so," Hawke said quietly looking back over the crashing waves on the shore, the fade mimicking wind gently brushing through his hair, "I guess so."  
  
Justice sat down next to him on the rock, looking over the ocean as well letting his eyes slip closed when Hawke looked at him. His raven black hair being ruffled by the same wind, his rugged jaw held firm when he tilted his head up slightly when he lent back more on the rock. Joe was really right, Justice was nothing to sniff at in either form he took. Hawke liked either one, and sighed looking away from him, feeling the spirits power ripple through him like the tide below them.  
  
"I, wanted to ask you something Hawke. But I think it can wait a while. Joe still hasn't found a way to free me from Anders. It's fucking frustrating to say the least."  
  
Hawke snorted softly at Justice swearing again, he still wasn't used to it coming from the spirits lower baritone voice, "She'll find a way. I know she will."  
  
"I hope so. I just can't stand being stuck in him any more. I really can't. Vengeance gets overpowering sometimes and it gets harder each time to escape. Just be glad it doesn't follow me here, it's not even remotely interested in being back here. Having more fun being with the circle slut. Though I do believe it's not interested in that aspect."  
  
"Makers ball's, you heard all that?" Hawke felt shame run through him again, he should never of done it, he didn't want to do it, but his lust got the better of him. And now, Justice knew everything.  
  
"I ignored it most of the time. I don't fault you, Hawke, I really don't. Justice has to take hard turns too you know. It's not all butterflies and rainbow's. Justice is hard, Justice is righteous. You have to get your hand's bloody to get shit done."  
  
Hawke snorted louder that time and bit his lip looking well away from Justice.  
  
"Now what's funny?"  
  
"Justice is hard," Hawke snorted louder trying to hide his face.  
  
"Oh for- really! Fuck you Hawke," Justice laughed nudging his shoulder, "I was trying to be serious."  
  
"I know. I just, it was funny though. A hard Justice running about smiting every evil-doer with hi-"  
  
Justice slammed his hand over Hawke's mouth shaking his head laughing at him, "Don't you dare say it. Don't you bloody dare!"  
  
"His dick," Hawke muttered into Justice's hand before snorting again as Justice pushed him nearly off the rock.  
  
"I have you know, I have never smited anyone with my dick. Well, not in the past few hundred year's anyway," it was Justice's turn to snort then burst out laughing, "I haven't had sex in over four hundred year's. What a fucking sad case that is."  
  
"Sweet Maker Justice, you didn't even do it, as," Hawke waved a hand at him, "you know."  
  
"As I am now? No. I never really thought about it much. I was my purpose and nothing more. Time doesn't exactly have much meaning here, Hawke. Four hundred year's is a blink of an eye for  
some," Justice sighs quietly slipping his eyes closed, "until Joe."  
  
Hawke frowned at him, then cocked his head at the way Justice looked. Then it dawned on him, "Your in love with her, aren't you."  
  
Justice sighed lowering his head, "I wasn't until later on. She, was about 18 when she first called out for Mercy, but Mercy never listened, I did instead. I, tried to reach her but that Templar smited her several time's cutting her off from the fade. I couldn't reach her then. Every-time I tried after that, it was just before he smited her. I tried again at Ostagar, not realising a few year's had passed, but by then she saved her own life. But it wasn't just her calling out to us all, there where many voice's overlapping each other, but it was far too many for all of us to deal with. And then, Kinloch happened. And now I'm leashed to a mage who doesn't give a shit what he does. And then there's you."  
  
Hawke frown deepened looking over Justice's face, his green eyes searching his own face, "Say what you mean Justice. I thought we were being frank with each other."  
  
Justice bit his lip and looked away briefly before looking slowly back at Hawke, "Love knows bounds Hawke. It's a powerful thing to have. Regardless of gender, body shape, height. Regardless if their human, elven, dwarven, even Qunari," Justice leaned forward slightly and whispered, "Regardless if their mortal or spirit."  
  
Hawke hitched a breath when Justice leaned forward more cupping his face with both hand's, "Love is more powerful when it's true. When it's- No, no, not now NO-"  
  
Justice faded away into nothingness, and Hawke could feel Justice hand's still on his face when he closed his eyes. He couldn't mean he was in love with him as well, could he?


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Sex, Templars being dicks and a hidden secret.

The dwarf looked over the book's, looking over each word, each letter, each page with his magnifying glasses. Flicking and twisting the glass, changing them to get a closer look, humming each time he did so. Gremi Cadash wore a hood over his face covering it from the sun above gleaming through Varric's room, his white glove's running over each page and humming again. He would occasionally turn to one of the other dwarves and mutter in Dwarva to them, then they would wear the same style glasses as Gremi to take a closer look.  
  
Maker Joe's knee's would bounce if she wasn't more terrified that the dwarf in-front of her was a Cadash. He didn't even give her a second glance when he sat down, talking to Varric instead. Fenris sat on the other side of Orran, stealing a sip from each other's tankard's when the other wasn't looking. They didn't need to be here, but they wanted to, for Joe and Varric when the Dwarven entourage stormed through Lowtown to the Hanged Man. Joe had no idea why she was terrified of the older dwarf with his nose now pressed into the book, humming again, it wasn't like he was actual family, just the fact he was a Cadash, some what related to her.  
  
Gremi looked up at Varric and nodded, closing the book carefully, "These are genuine, Tethras. And here I thought you where lying."  
  
"Shaperate Cadash, I would never lie about something like this. Well not always, Varric grinned at him.  
  
"Hmmph."  
  
Joe wanted to roll her so eyes hard that they would fall out of her head if she wasn't there and then pinned by the gaze of Gremi.  
  
"So," Gremi looked her over, then waved to the dwarf behind him, "A Cadash half-breed mage. Do you know what it says in these book's or are you too stoneblind to even understand your own language?"  
  
Joe felt the anger boil in her, and she shook her head at both Fenris and Orran who where about to fly over the table, "I can read some of it, Shaperate Cadash. I'm not totally illiterate of dwarva. I did translate some of the plinth's down in the forgotten Thaig. So maybe you would like to read them in both trade and dwarva, or would you prefer for me to read them to you in broken elvish?" Joe snarked out crossing her arm's.  
  
Gremi narrowed his eyes at her putting his hand's up at his entourage, then slowly, he started to laugh, a dusty gravel laugh that nearly knocked Joe out of her seat when he slapped the table a few time's.  
  
"Partha, partha," he wiped his face calming down from his laugh and looked at her seriously again, "You truly have Cadash in you, Kalnath. You should meet your long lost ancient golem of a cousin. She's just as hot headed."  
  
Joe blinked a few time's then shook her head, "I must of heard you wrong. Did you say a golem?"  
  
"Indeed I did. Shayle Cadash, the only female ever to become a golem, over thousand cycle's ago. In the time of Para-  
  
"Paragon Caridin. Holy shit." Varric muttered scribbling away in his book.  
  
"Tethras, I was speaking to Kalnath, not some merchant cloudgazer!"  
  
Varric put up his hand's and went back to writing in his book, mumbling under his breath while everyone else tried to hide their face's, and the chuckle that was about to erupt from Orran.  
  
Gremi looked back at Joe and lifted his chin at her, "Show me this, magic. I wish to witness it for myself."  
  
Joe nodded and summoned cold within her hand before flicking it away then summoning a spirit bolt. Gremi clucked his tongue when she combined the two and nodded once more, "That will be enough."  
  
Gremi turned around to whisper to the dwarves behind him, and Joe looked at Orran and just shrugged at him while he smirked. Maker, he looked so much better after three month's, he still wasn't right they all knew that, but he no longer got angry as much as he used too. His much shorter hair suited him a hundred time's better too, and she smirked back at him before winking making his eyes widen a little before smirking more.  
  
"Kalnath Cadash, we would like you to come to Orzammar in the future. We need to write this into the record's, and we would prefer it if you where there for such a thing. Our Lord and King Bhelen will sanction this, but it will take time and I have many more place's to be first. And these book's," he tapped both of them, "will come back with you. I want you to study them yourself. I want you to read them and never forget what is written within. No-one else must read them. No-one."  
  
Joe, felt utterly floored and nodded her head at him smiling, "Of course Shaperate Cadash. But, I can only read some of it, not all."  
  
"You will, you still have stonesense in you, Kalnath. I can sense it. You haven't lost that with your heritage, you'll be able to read them. But no-one else."  
  
Joe nodded again taking the book's back from them. Joe wondered what the hell was in them now that he didn't want Varric nor the other's to see. Gremi dipped his head once before rising from his seat, "Valos atredum, Kalnath. Atrast tunsha."  
  
"Kalnath-par kallak, Kalnath-gat parthas," Joe said to them all before they left the door. Gremi turned to look behind him and laughed again nodding, before leaving.  
  
"And what was that, Bard? Family through war, Family unto peace. Maferaths nutsack, stop out dwarving me!"  
  
Joe shrugged when she sat back down, pulling her tankard of mead to her lip's, "Say's the least dwarfy person I know," she snickered drinking down a huge gulp.  
  
Orran frowned at her then sighed, "I actually kind of like it."  
  
"It's a carta thing, Hawke. Considering over two-thirds of the Cadash house are, shall we say, the flagrant side of smuggling, trading, murdering, blah blah blah," Varric snickered out flicking his wrist before writing again.  
  
"I do wonder if my mum was carta or something. I have no idea what she was other then, mum," Joe sighs looking into her tankard, "I haven't heard back from Alistair in sometime either. Unless you have Varric?"  
  
"Nope, not a word, Bard."  
  
Joe sighed again slumping down in her chair, slipping her eyes closed letting the sound's swirl around her, feeling Orran's magic tug and pull at hers again soothing her raging mind that felt like it was about to pour our of her ear. Two year's it took Gremi to get here from Maker knows where, and no doubt another two year's before she would get the summons to got to Orzammar. Joe was a little terrified about going back to Ferelden, it's been a little over four year's now, she was in no hurry to go back to her own country at all. She was worried she hasn't heard from her brother in some time, but he was capable, and married, and hopefully happily so. Joe smiled a small smile when she felt Orran's booted foot touching hers under the table, his foot rubbing hers slowly.  
  
Joe peaked one eye slightly open to look at him, he was busy talking to Fenris, still stealing each other's drinks and she smiled more when Fenris wrinkled his nose up at his empty mug then glared at Orran, who just smirked right back at him. She looked over to Varric flicking his hand again before writing in his book, snickering at the other two shaking his head. It was a shame Anders didn't bother showing up, but he seemed to be in a very odd place right now. Battling both Vengeance and Justice in him, Vengeance almost winning the daily battle. Joe wanted to save him from himself, but still had no luck in finding about unbinding spirits from a host other then removing one's head. There had to be a way of doing it without killing any of them.  
  
There only place that might have such a thing was Tevinter, she she was loath to actually write to some Magister to ask in-case it alerted Danarius. Maker, no-one wanted that at the moment, especially Fenris.  
  
A light went off in Joe's brain.  
  
Feynriel, he went to Tevinter to learn more about his somniari thing. If she could reach him through the fade, he might be able to help her out. Joe nodded internally, she would try and reach out the half-elven boy, see if he could find anything out for her, see if there were anyone in Tevinter who was trust worthy enough for her to get a hold of.  
  
Orran's foot went higher up her leg, and Joe wanted to moan out feeling his magic mingling with hers again the higher it went. A blush went over her face and looked at him under her lashes, he was looking back at her sideway's over his tankard then winked at her, making the blush worse.  
  
Maker take her, the ache between her leg's was back. If she weren't here, she'd have slipped under her covers just to make the ache go away. Oh her heart raced thinking about it when his foot went higher, the warm feeling spreading from her cheek's right down between her leg's. Joe bit her lip looking at him under her lashes, her chest rising and falling in shallower breath's the more she looked. Orran raised an eyebrow at her still looking sideway's then watched his eyes widen slightly nearly choking on his ale when she smirked at him, pushing away from the table.  
  
"I think I'll be heading home," Joe announced when she stood up, grabbing the book's and her bow that lent against the table, "I have some... thing's I need to attend too."  
  
Varric grinned at her dipping his head before going back to his writing, Fenris cocked an eyebrow and quickly looked at Orran who was choking more on his ale trying not to blush, then the elf winked at her before nodding.  
  
Joe left the tavern and ran all the way back to the Hawke mansion, the smirk still on her face.  
  
*****  
  
Joe hissed when she kicked of her boot's in her bedroom, both of them knocking against the table nearly toppling the water jug. She wasn't hissing at that, she was hissing as the fact her pants where rubbing her the in right place. Maker did she want to swear out loud when she put the book's down gently at her deck, thiscouldn't go fast enough for her when she half shucked out of shirt then realised she had her bow still strapped to her. Joe cursed loud just yanking everything off dropping it to the floor, trying to undo her pants and close the drapes at the same time.  
  
Hawke bounded up the stair's, cocking his head at the muttering from Joe's room. He pushed the door open slightly, and had to blink at Joe trying to take off all her clothes at once, dropping everything on the floor. His heart hammered hard in his chest when he quietly closed the door behind him, his cock getting unbearably hard in his own pants watching her. He didn't think Joe would be interested again, but she made it quiet clear when she ran out the tavern with her pupil's dilated. All he did was run his foot over her, feeling her magic go through him, calming his mind.  
  
_'Breath Joe'_ , she thought to her self, letting go of her pants pulling the drapes closed properly as they should, then fumbling with the button's and lace on her pants almost growling under her breath when they wouldn't cooperate either, "Maker fucking, piece of shit, cunting, get off me." Joe grit her teeth and just popped all the button's off kicking them away from her leg's. Just her small clothes to go.  
  
A chuckle behind her made Joe stop at the lace on her breast band, "I didn't think you where so colourful, Just Joe."  
  
Joe's heart raced even more in her chest gripping the lace hard in her finger's almost snapping it when Orran moved a little closer, his magic making her eyes practically roll up in the back of her head when it tugged and pulled at her.  
  
She almost collapsed onto the floor when his hand's went over hers from behind, taking them away from her breast band, "What's the rush?" he murmur's making her entire gooseflesh and tingle when he undoes the lace's painfully slow.  
  
"I'll be cranky," Joe almost pants out when her breast band drop's onto the floor, "if I don't, deal with it." Maker her magic was practically singing in her vein's when his hand's run over her shoulder's, and Joe lent her head back on his chest as his hand's go over her breast's, his thumb's brushing her nipple's.  
  
"Mmm hmm," Hawke murmured getting even harder feeling her nipple's under his thumb. He needed more, he wanted to feel what was between her leg's instead of just sticking his cock in her. He needed to touch. His own magic sung wildly inside him.  
  
Joe slip's her eyes closed pushing her head back more into him, feeling his stiffness against her, and she moaned out loud when Orran's hand slowly went down her stomach to her smalls she still had on. "Fuck," she muttered grabbing his thigh's when his hand dips under her smalls, brushing her over-sensitive clit with his finger's. Even Orran moaned a 'fuck' when he did it, and Joe bit her lip hard when his dick jumped against her from behind.  
  
"Joe," Hawke pants out brushing over the mound between her leg's, "I, can I?" Maker he wanted to taste it so bad when he brushed it again making Joe's body shudder against him, his mind was racing doing it again. She was so fucking wet, and bloody hell did it feel good did when he brushed her again, his own breathing getting harsh. "Joe" he panted out again, pulling her over to her bed, taking his hand from her smalls.  
  
Joe bit her lip even harder when he slipped his hand free, and she couldn't take her smalls off fast enough before crawling onto the bed, then flopping down kicking the top sheet away, watching Orran shuck out of his shirt, his eyes roaming over her body. He barely got his own pants off before crawling over to her, kissing up the inside of her leg's, kissing and licking up her thigh's. "Oh, maker," she mutters out when his tongue licked over her clit, her hand's bunching in the bottom sheet when he did it again, hearing Orran both moan and growl as he did it again.  
  
Hawke couldn't help the moan and growl that came from him, tasting her. Honey and lyrium. Maker, it was better then he thought it would be when he licked down to her wet hole, Joe parting her leg's more for him. The taste was beyond divine when he tentatively stuck his tongue inside her, his hand's squeezing her thigh's when he pushed his tongue in her more. He moaned again when he flattened his tongue running up to her mound, then flicked it gently, his eyes watching her reaction when he did it again. Joe had her head pushed back into the mattress, hand's screwed up in the sheet, her breathing hard and harsh when he did it several time's more. Hawke slipped his eyes closed laying his head on her thigh pulling her leg's open wider as he licked her more. His tongue going from mound to her hole and back again, her taste like pure ambrosia in his mouth when he sucked on the mound gently, sucking it into his mouth flicking it with his tongue.  
  
Joe had her mouth open in one long moan the more he licked her out, his tongue darting inside her then back up to her clit. Her nipple's where so hard the could cut glass right now. It was beautiful when he sucked it into his mouth, flicking it with his tongue like he was kissing her own mouth. Joe bucked her hip's when he slid a finger inside her, "yes," she panted out when he moved it slowly, his tongue still licking away at her clit, "maker yes."  
  
Hawke took a chance a slid a finger inside, then felt her hip's buck into it. He groaned against her thigh when she said yes, and moved it slowly going back to licking her. He watched his finger get coated in her juice's and groaned even more when he slid another finger into her. Hawke sucked her mound into his mouth once more before flattening his tongue over it, licking up her body, his finger's slowly moving in and out of her. He licked and kissed up to her breast's, flicking each nipple with his tongue working his way up to her neck.  
  
Joe bucked her hip's into his finger's inside her, Maker they felt so good, better then her own when she did it. Her magic sung like a thousand bird's through her bone's, Orran's magic embracing hers from with in, and she moaned louder this time when he reached her neck, his tongue licking it before lightly biting down on it. His dick was resting in her thigh when he leaned over her, his finger's still in her, his mouth still on her neck, and she took it in her own hand remembering what Anders told her how to handle one properly. Orran's body stuttered against her when she slowly but firmly began to stroke it. Maker, she forgot how thick and long it was. He moaned against her neck his teeth biting just on this side of almost drawing blood, and Joe liked it when she stoked him more.  
  
Hawke slowly rolled his hip's into her hand, and did it feel good feeling her hand on him, his finger's inside her fucking her on them. He licked away the sting on her neck, and kissed over her chin to her lip's, and Maker take him he forgot how they felt against his. They both moaned together when their tongue's slicked over each other's in an open mouth kiss, both of their hand's getting each other off. A Long 'Oh,' came from her mouth when he rolled his hip's more into her hand slipping his finger's from her to rub her mound, several 'fuck's' came from his mouth feeling their magic embracing more together, pulling it tighter and tighter.  
  
Joe felt her body tighten the more he rubbed her clit, her magic bubbling to the surface stroking him just a little fast. The bone's in her body vibrated, singing, calling, when she felt the lightening ripple from his finger's on her, and pushed her head back into the mattress when she bucked her hip's hard against his hand feeling herself get even more tighter.  
  
Hawke rolled his hip's more into her stuttering stroke's, feeling his magic slip from his hand into her, her magic pulling it in tight around them. She bucked up hard into his hand, the air around flooding with the static charge coming from them both when he slipped his finger's back into her. And Joe practically screamed when she came around his finger's, her magic going off tangent in him, and he growled loud biting down on her shoulder when he came in her hand.  
  
"Orran," she panted out taking her hand away from him, feeling his spend on her hand. Joe bit her lip when he lifted his head from her shoulder, taking her hand in his bringing it up to both their mouth's and started licking his own spend on her finger's. Joe licked her finger's too and let her eyes slip closed tasting him on her own finger's, their tongue's slicking against each other around her finger's. Joe wrapped her leg's around him when he moved between her leg's more, his hand's taking hers pinning them to the mattress.  
  
"Joe," Hawke muttered when they clasped their hand's together his mouth on hers again, slicking his tongue with hers sliding his still hard cock slowly into her. He rolled hip's languidly into her, Joe's leg's wrapping around his more. He spread his leg's a little more between hers, deepening the languid rolls of his hip's, their mouth's never leaving each other's, their tongue slicking and rolling against the other's.  
  
Joe pulls away from the kiss first, pushing her head back arching her neck into the mattress, rocking her hip's into his. Orran kisses down her chin to her neck, his languid rolls getting deeper into her. Joe's eyes almost roll into the back of her head, their heavy breathing echoing into the room, their magic snapping even harder against each other. Her bone's vibrate even more in her, she's unable to hear with how loud the singing is in her ear's, the sound not to different to chime's sounding out everywhere and no where. She thinks she's saying fuck, or shit, or something when she arches her back into him, feeling Orran's dick inside her.  
  
Hawke pants out on Joe's neck, fastening his deep rolls into her, his magic yanking harder against hers again, snapping, tugging, pulling harder and harder, it feels like it's going to break. Joe arches her back into him, her hip's snapping to meet his upward thrust into her, muttering word's he doesn't understand. Hawke let's go of her hand's and takes her thigh's in his hand's when he sits up, sweat running down his face, his teeth grit fastening his pace even more into Joe, throwing his head back panting out at the ceiling. The bed's rocking hard against the wall, knocking into it with each ever deepening roll of his hip's.  
  
The chime's get even louder in her ear's, her blood feels like it's going to ignite, setting everything on fire around her. Joe's hand's bunch the sheet's in her hand's, feeling the entire bed rocking with their movement's, but the chime's are so loud it's like singing she hears. A loud moan escape her lip's, arching her neck and back more, word's tumbling over her lip's. Magic race's through her, seeping deep and out, she doesn't know where when her body tightens around him, and she feels herself fly away when she comes, floating off somewhere.  
  
His magic catches hers when she comes around him and he screams, feeling it go through him and out into her. He screams again when he comes in her, throwing his head and arm's back behind him, feeling his magic and lyrium seep deep into her, seeping into her core.  
  
Hawke blinks a few time's realising he's laying over Joe, his hand's cradling her face, Joe's hand's carding through his hair and they both smile at each other.  
  
Hawke rest's his forehead on hers and sighs out happily looking deep into her eyes, "I love you," he whispers kissing her nose gently, "Maker I love you so much."  
  
"I love you too," Joe whispers back at him kissing his lip's, "more then you know."  
  
*****  
  
There was a word for what he was feeling right now. Wrath.  
  
They woke him up early in the morning demanding he come with them. They came to HIS house, pounded on HIS door practically breaking it down. Fenris was the one rushing down with his sword in hand while Hawke pulled on his sleep pants, leaving Joe in bed. He felt like his home were defiled with their presence when they stormed through the door, grabbing hold of Fenris pinning him to the wall.  
  
The idiot bastard's even sent a smite into Fenris because of his lyrium, several of them eyeing him up hungry. He's never felt more disgusted then he did right now when Knight-Captain Cullen demanded his presence at the Gallows immediately, that they would DARE enter his home defiling it, defiling Fenris, defiling Joe with their presence.  
  
They couldn't even bother to wait for him to pull any clothing on before they started pulling their sword's from their sheath's threatening him.  
  
Wrath. It was a new one on him when they dragged him out of his own home through Hightown, confiscating his staff. He's never felt this angry before, this, this was unjust when they threw him onto the boat. He had to leave his friend and love behind when they rowed him over to the Gallows, he wanted them to come, he wanted them there but the Templars threatened them as well. Nobody threatens his family and lives, nobody.  
  
But he had no choice when he was practically hauled from the boat through the Gallows, past all the tranquil, past of the other suffering mages, past Orsino's office to Meredith's. He felt defiled himself having their filthy hand's on him, touching him, cleansing his magic when Cullen shut the door behind him to face the lip sneering bitch in-front of him. Wrath.  
  
"You dare come to my home," Hawke spat at her when she looked him up and down again like she did six and a half month's previous, "and drag me out of it. Away from my FUCKING FAMILY!"  
  
"Hmmph. You have no family to speak of mage," she said coldly sitting down in her high back seat, "and I require you to cleanse out a hive of filth from my city."  
  
Hawke's blood ran hotter then ever before. Joe was his family. Fenris was his family, so was Varric and Anders, "I will do no such fucking thing, Knight-Commander."  
  
"You will do as I SAY MAGE! You walk freely in the city as it's PROTECTOR. DO YOUR JOB MAGE!" she shouted at him slamming her hand's down in the desk.  
  
"Fuck. You. Bitch."  
  
"You disgust me," Meredith sneered slowly rising from her seat, "You disgusted me from the moment you where born. With your filth, with your disease running through you like a CANCER!"  
  
Hawke stood firm when she walked slowly around her desk, her blue eyes piercing into his soul when she walked behind him, "All your kind does. Nothing but filth spreading your disease with other's of your kind."  
  
"Are you trying to make a point here, or are you just enjoying the sound of your own voice?" Maker, he wanted to gut the bitch right here, right now, which would end up in his death if he even tried it.  
  
"Your father," Meredith spat against him, "mated with his own kind. Your sister, mated with her own kind. Do not think I don't know mage, I do. They where nothing but filth, just like you."  
  
"I dare you to say one more word, Meredith. I fucking dare you," he's had enough, he already knows about his father fucking another mage while he met Leandra, the woman claiming to be his mother, it was nothing new when he found out going through Gamlen's junk he was a year older then he thought.  
  
"Would you like to meet her?"  
  
Hawke froze, fear ran through him when she stepped past him to the door, flinging it open. Fear and dread ran through him unable to hear what Meredith was saying behind to to Cullen still outside her door.  
  
Fear, dread and panic kept him in place when someone else stepped into the room behind him, Meredith smirking at him when she walked back behind her desk, "Say hello, Lillian. Say hello to your son."  
  
"Hello Orran Hawke."  
  
Maker no, no no no. Her voice, her dead empty voice. He didn't want to see. He didn't want to see his tranquil mother standing next to him.  
  
"I hope the day is treating you well, Orran Hawke."  
  
He couldn't stand it, he wanted to run, to hide, to flee anywhere but here when she walks over to Meredith. He wanted to vomit everywhere when he looked at the brand on her forehead, her dead blue eyes, her silver hair. His mouth was so dry looking at her, he had her mouth, he had her nose, her eyebrow's were dark blond flecked with silver, but it was the brand emblazoned on her forehead that made him want to vomit more.  
  
"That will be all Lillian."  
  
"Yes Knight-Commander. Good day."  
  
The door shut again, and Hawke swallowed loudly looking down at Meredith, "What do you want?"  
  
She clasped her hand's together sitting back in her chair, "There are a group of mages that have fled from here. All of them using blood magic. I want you to bring them back, to be, properly punished. Now leave, Cullen will give you the detail's."  
  
Hawke felt numb leaving her office following Cullen to his. He felt numb when the Knight-Captain handed him the missive's and his staff back. She had him by his ball's and there was nothing he could do about it when he sat on the boat to the mainland. His mother was tranquil, still in the Gallows. His mother. He was in danger, she was in danger, Joe, Fenris, Varric, Anders where all in danger from her now, and there was nothing he could do about it. He needed to keep them all safe, he needed to keep Joe's identity hidden from Meredith. If she found out who she was and what she-  
  
No no no, Meredith wont have them, he wont allow it.  
  
He pushed the mansion's door shut, resting his head on it trying to calm the shakes his entire body was going through. They would be good as dead if he didn't do this.  
  
"Orran? What the hell is going on?"  
  
Hawke down at Joe and sucked in a deep breath when she came into the foyer, he had to keep them safe, all of them, "A formality, that's all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dwarven Translation *DA Wiki* -  
> Stoneblind - A derogatory term for surface dwarves  
> Partha - Peace  
> Kalnath - Family  
> Cloudgazer - Surface dwarves who have lost their Stone sense  
> Valos atredum - May Tanslate as "the voice of the ancestor's" or "the favor of the ancestors" or "the ancestors' blessing"  
> Atrast tunsha - A formal farewell  
> Kalnath-par kallak, Kalnath-gat parthas - Family through war, Family unto peace


	18. Chapter 18

Joe sighed deeply looking at the state of the clinic. Anders frantically waving his hand's about yelling up at the ceiling while Mutton growled low at the dark stains dotted around the place. Maker, the Templars did a huge number on this place, the third time in the past two month's, and this one, was utterly disgusting. Piss and semen all up the wall's, over the cot's, fecal matter in corner's, smeared over all the surface's, and who knows what else everywhere.  
  
She sighed again kicking a broken phial away from her, Mutton boofing quietly next to her cocking her head watching it roll under the broken cot. This was disgusting even by their standard's.  
  
Joe winced at the pain in her stomach and sat down at Anders desk while he stormed off upstairs, leaving her with Valyr and Alaem standing there gob-smacked trying not to throw up. The boy's where only away for a few day's helping Lirene with a choke-damp outbreak in the Undercity with Anders, and came back to this, their home. Joe knew how they felt when the Templars stormed Orran's home again demanding his presence at the Gallows once more, once again threatening herself and Fenris.  
  
"What do we do now? We can't stay here!"  
  
Joe sighed looking at Valyr, "Maker I have no idea. Orran's place isn't safe either. The only real place that is, is the sodding Hanged man."  
  
Valyr wrinkled his nose up and shook his head, his younger brother balked at the idea of going to the Hanged Man, "Fuck that noise. I'd rather stay at the brothel then that place, it's bloody cleaner for one."  
  
"You, have a point," Joe snickered out picking up a page of Anders manifesto, "Though, they do need some on-site healer's at the moment, Lusine MIGHT allow it. BUT," Joe waved the page at the young man, "doesn't mean free rides."  
  
"Oh, that's just- Joe that's disgusting."  
  
Joe shrugged looking at the manifesto in her hand's. She wrinkled her nose up at the garbled dialogue he was trying to write and put it back with the other's, "I know I know. But I was just saying it in-case you got any funny idea's."  
  
Anders yelling upstairs made all three of them look up the ceiling, Mutton whining hiding behind Joe's chair when he comes running down the stair's, "Those sick fuck's wanked in MY BED. Wanked in their bed's. Wanked and shat everywhere up there."  
  
Joe closed her eyes and shook her head, while the two boy's made gagging noise's, "Maker have mercy. Anders you can't stay here any more. None of you can."  
  
"I wont let those bastard's push us around. Fuck them," Anders spat, dark blue flicking over his eye's briefly, "I'm not leaving. You two can, but I wont."  
  
Valyr and Alaem both sighed at the same time and looked back at Joe, while Anders went on another diatribe going into the stock room out back, the occasional crashing echoing around the rest of the warehouse. Joe nodded her head and the boy's went upstairs so they could gather their thing's, "I'll take you to Aveline's, how about that. I know she'll look after you both, and who knows, maybe you can heal her idiot guards when they come back from patrol's."  
  
*****  
  
Joe sat down in-front of Aveline's desk while she showed the boy's where they would be staying for now in the barracks. Aveline more then welcomed the boy's, telling all three of them that the old barracks herbalist died a year back from the Qunari. Joe didn't miss the sad flicker over Aveline's eyes thinking about Donnic before she took the boy's out the office. Maker, poor Aveline, she was so happy and then to have it snatched away, just like Orran and his-  
  
Joe shook her head, it's been a year now, it still hurt, it still hurt Orran when he didn't think anyone was watching. Joe flinched at the spasm in her stomach, feeling the sick rising up her throat, she didn't want to throw up in Aveline's office, and sucked it back down again. Maker she wishes she knew how to heal when the vomit rose back up again, barely making it to the potted plant in the corner before throwing up.  
  
She didn't hear the door shut behind her, but she did feel Aveline's hand rubbing her back when she threw up again all over the plant.  
  
"Maker Joe, have a bad break fast or something?" Aveline muttered behind her when she heaved again.  
  
Joe shook her head and slowly stood up, putting her hand on the wall to stem the tide of dizziness going through her, "I think it-" Joe gagged again and bent over throwing up once more.  
  
"I know I know. Maker, they had no right going through Anders clinic. There's nothing I can do, Joe. I'm still down men as it is."  
  
Joe nodded again pushing away from the wall, Aveline guiding her to the chair again pushing her glass of water over to her, "It's madness, utter madness right now."  
  
"It's only going to get worse now that Meredith's taken the Viscount seat, Joe. She has no right to that either. What a mess."  
  
Joe winced when she nodded, rubbing her stomach breathing out slowly to ease the sickness threatening again. She slipped her eyes closed briefly while Aveline rummaged around on her desk, going through her report's. Joe's been throwing up everyday in the past week, she feels like shit not able to keep anything after break fast down, and she wants to be sick again thinking about Anders trashed clinic.  
  
"Take a look at these Joe," Aveline muttered to her, pushing report's over to her, "somethings going on."  
  
Joe picked up the first report and balked at the name at the top, then flicked through it before slamming it down picking up another, "Oh no," she whispered, looking at the other report's in-front of her, "shit."  
  
*****  
  
Hawke strode through the keep, running a hand through his hair. Aveline sent a runner to him to come immediately, and all he could think of was Joe. Makers fucking bollocks, he hoped nothings happened to her after this morning. He didn't think he could handle that right now if somethings happened to her. He didn't think she would be arrested for anything, Aveline wouldn't do that to her friend, no way.  
  
Hawke ran his hand through his hair more spotting Joe going into Aveline's office, two guards behind her shaking their head's. Anger boiled through him when he bounded down the stair's, the two guards immediately blocking him from going through.  
  
"Get your fucking hand's off me!" he yelled at them trying hold him back as more came over, "The fuck do you have Joe in here for?"  
  
Aveline popped her head around the door and sighed out at him, "Let him through, please."  
  
Hawke sneered his lip's at the guards as they back away from the tall well built mage, then sneered his lip at Aveline crossing his arm's over his chest as he stood in-front of her, "Better give one damned good reason why Joe's here, Aveline," he spat.  
  
"Just get in the bloody office Hawke," she waved him in ignoring his growls at her, "You need to read these too."  
  
Hawke shook his head and pushed past her ducking to get into her office, his face softening when he sees Joe with her nose shoved into paper's scattered over Aveline's desk, "Are you alright, Love?"  
  
"No, I'm not," Maker that didn't sound good when she pushes the report's away, "I think you need to read these, Orran."  
  
Hawke frowned pulling up a chair from the window and sat down next to her when she pushes away from the table to stand, holding her stomach wincing, "Love? Joe, what's going on?"  
  
Aveline pushes over some of the report's, and he frowns even more at her before reading them. His face fell when he recognises some of the people on them: Emeric, Gascard, Thrask, Keran, all killed by someone unknown. No, that couldn't be, he was helping Emeric with the murder's in Lowtown. Gascard he let go. Thrask was a good man helping mages and his own daughter. Keran, he saved his life from blood mages, the boy even leaving the order to help Thrask.  
  
"Who the fuck did this?"  
  
Joe sighed and sat back down again, "Aveline thought you did. But I told her that was impossible, considering I found out from Anders that you where helping Emeric with a murder case."  
  
"But, Keran? I saved his fucking life? Why would I-" Hawke sucked in a deep breath running a hand down his face.  
  
"So who did," Aveline sneered at him slamming her fist's on the table, "If I find out your lying Hawke, I will come down on you so hard you wont know what hit you."  
  
Hawke shook his head putting the report's down. He wanted to be sick, "I didn't do it. I swear on the Maker. I was helping Emeric for FUCK'S SAKE I DIDN'T DO THESE!"  
  
"Okay, okay I believe you," Aveline sighed sitting down behind her desk, "Someone did. Look I know we're not exactly friend's, but, I'm looking out for Joe more then you. Someone's shadowing you, Hawke, because all of these," she waves a report at him, "were people you've been in contact with."  
  
Someone was stalking him, killing the people he needed to keep other's safe. He knew he didn't do any of it, he liked the boy Keran when he left the order. Gascard he would of used later, with his knowledge of the dark art's he could try and save Merrill's fucking life if she didn't up and leave. Emeric and Thrask were a good men, two of the few Templars Hawke actually liked, who remembers Ser Maurevar Carver, the one who let father and himself escape.  
  
Hawke closed his eyes slumping down in his seat, there was only one other person who knew these people, who knew of Gascard, and that was Meredith. He felt sick again, first his home, then Anders clinic, now this. He needed to get Joe out the city before something happened to her too.  
  
"Aveline, can you give me and Joe a moment please," he asked the flame haired woman quietly.  
  
Aveline nodded and left her office, closing the door for privacy.  
  
Hawke sucked in another deep breath, putting his elbow's in the table, his head resting in his hand's, this was going to be the hardest thing he's had to do.  
  
"Orran?"  
  
Hawke screwed his eyes shut, stemming the tear's that wanted to fall when he turned in his seat to face her, "Maker, Joe I don't want to do this, but I have too."  
  
"Your scaring me, Urtok," Maker he loved it when she called him dragon in dwarva, "What's going on?"  
  
"I, you need to leave. You can't stay here, Love. Meredith will kill you just to get to me. I can't, I wont let that happen, I wont."  
  
Hawke grabbed her face when Joe started to protest, resting his forehead on hers feeling their magic snapping tight against each other, "Please. I wont be able to take it if something happens to you. I cant-" tear's started to fall down his face, "please."  
  
"I wont go anywhere with out you. I'm not going to bloody leave you behind while she- Orran don't do this, Maker no-" Joe collapsed into his arm's when he pulled her in for a hug, both of them crying against each other.  
  
He felt the pull of something else in her when he ran a hand down her back to heal her cramped stomach he felt and gasped out, feeling it tugging slightly on his magic. He held her tighter against him sobbing even harder, feeling the fetus growing in her. He was going to be a father, Maker take him, he had no choice but to send her away now, send his love and his child far away from him and this city.  
  
This was even harder then he thought.  
  
*****  
  
"Okay Killer. The raven's been sent to Orzammar. Let's hope Shaperate Cadash is still within range," Varric muttered tapping his snifter before sighing out, "Maferaths ball's, I sent one to her brother as well just in-case."  
  
Hawke nodded looking down in his tankard, looking at his distorted reflecting in the crappy ale. He felt utterly devastated trying to send her and his child away, but he had no choice, if Meredith found out about her, his child, her heritage, everything she would kill Joe. Varric and Fenris both where trying to say something to him, but he didn't want to listen when he stared more at his reflection. Maker, he was going to loose everything again all because of the bitch, his heart couldn't take much more of this. He wanted to ask her hand in marriage before she went, just so he still had something to remotely have. Leandra's wedding ring was tucked in his new armour, his new fucking Champion armour he had commissioned just so every knew who the fuck he was.  
  
But it meant nothing with out Joe by his side.  
  
"Maker Hawke, snap out of it," Anders grumbled out beside him, "I'll be going with her-"  
  
"I KNOW THAT!" Hawke snapped at him throwing the tankard against the wall, "But I wont be. Fucking Maker take it all, I want too."  
  
Anders rolled his eyes at him pushing his own tankard over, "Yes yes, get it out of your system."  
  
"Fuck you."  
  
"Not likely any more," Anders smirked at him then looked shocked when he landed on his back looking up at the ceiling with Fenris' hand mere inches away from his heart.  
  
"Mage, you had better curb your tongue lest I rip out your shriveled heart."  
  
"Get the fuck off me you bloody obnoxious mage hating piece of shit!"  
  
"ENOUGH!" Hawke shouted kicking his chair back when he stood up, "Makers fucking sake, enough, both of you!"  
  
Hawke pulled the chair back upright and sat down heavily in it, putting his head in his hand's while the other two sorted themselves out. His heart hammered hard in his chest thinking about all this. Anders was going with her as far as Amaranthine, getting her back to Ferelden safely before he would come back. He may not trust the other mage any more with Vengeance running him amok, but he was grateful that he would do this. Maker, he hasn't even spoke to Justice since the pyre's, he was worried for the spirit.  
  
Hawke sucked in a slowly steady breath, sending a spell through him to ease his stomach. He was utterly terrified, more then he's ever been. He put his hand in his pouch feeling the ring between his finger's, he needed to do this before she left, he had too, he needed it more then anything. Hawke sucked in another deep breath and pushed away from the table, leaving his friend's to bicker among themselves, heading towards his mansion with his head hung low.  
  
He didn't give anyone a second look while he walked past them all. He didn't care. None of them mattered to him when he went up the Hightown step's. He wished he never saved the fucking nobles of this garbage city, he wished he never became Champion so Meredith could leash him to her, binding him to her will. He wished he ran away at the first chance he had, taking everyone with him right after the battle. But he was too far lost in his own grief to do so, nearly killing himself in the process, having to be saved by Justice and Joe. Hawke choked back a sob at that thought walking through the Hightown market. Justice wanted to tell him something but never did when he was pulled away from him, he still had no idea what the spirit wanted to tell him, other then the fact he implied he loved Hawke as well as Joe.  
  
He stopped outside his mansion door, and bit his lip hard pulling the ring from his pouch then looked at it. He didn't want to give her Leandra's ring at all, he wanted to give her something that had more meaning then some tarnish piece of silver that meant nothing to him. No, he wouldn't give her that, he would give her one of his own he had on his finger, one that matched the other on his other hand that hummed with enchantment's. Hawke nodded pocketing them tarnished piece of silver and slipped off the cold enchanted ring, rubbing his thumb over it when he pushed the door open.  
  
Mutton's came bounding over to him with her tongue lolling out yipping around his feet when he closed the door. He smiled at the dwarf Mabari bending down to pick her up. Maker, he's going to miss her too when Joe takes her, he was going to miss them all and that cut deeper then any wound he's ever had.  
  
Hawke walked into the library where Joe was sitting with her head resting in her hand reading the ancient dwarven book before her, writing down thing's in another book, flicking her wrist like Varric does with his ink filled pen before continuing.  
  
"Just Joe," he quietly said sitting down next to her when she looked at him and smiled, "I, Maker, I have something to ask you, before," he sucked in a deep breath putting Mutton back down on the floor, thumbing the ring with his other hand, "Joette Cadash, would you, do me the honour of becoming my wife."  
  
Joe's eyes go wide, her hand that rested on her head dropping away hard onto the table, her mouth parting slightly in shock looking over his face, "Did you, just, did you, I, I," he watched her shake her head slightly then a slow smile crept over her face her shoulder's shaking, "Maker, yes."  
  
Hawke beamed wide when she practically leaps into his arm's from her chair, half straddling his lap half trying to stop herself from falling into the floor. He pulled her on his lap properly showering her face with kisses slipping the ring on her finger, his thumb running over it again when she pulls back to look down at it, tear's rolling down her face, still grinning at him.  
  
"I take that as a definite yes," he laughs out when she grabs his face and kisses him hard.  
  
"Yes, yes," she giggles kissing his nose, then chin, "a hundred time's," she kisses his cheek's then lip's again, "yes."  
  
Mutton's boofed happily from the floor, rolling around her back, her stubby tail going nineteen to the dozen as Hawke and Joe embraced, kissing passionately before he picked her up, taking her upstairs.  
  
*****  
  
The spirit watched the two people on the bed making love in the fade. It was beautiful to see, two people deeply in love and a third who would be borne of that love. He felt a sadness go though him watching them, he would never feel that again no matter how he felt. He was dying, slowly. His armour was getting dented and rusting, his sword and shield broken, it was getting harder and harder to come back here. His normal self was impossible to summon up any more, his spirit self slightly fading away into nothingness. They wouldn't be able to save him when the time came, Vengeance had too hard of a hold over both the mage and himself, consuming them into his foulness.  
  
He didn't want to die.  
  
Justice closed the door, leaving Hawke and Joe making love in his bed. He would never be able to use it any more, he wouldn't be able to come back here once he's gone. He bowed his head and said his goodbye's, walking down the stair's to the great hall where life used to roam. He was the last one here to remember such a place, it would be gone when he was.  
  
Justice walked through the tall grass with his arm out stretched, feeling it one last time in his faded gauntlet's before he was taken away from it all. He wanted to howl into the fade, he didn't want to die, he didn't want to leave everything behind, not when he found two people he loved deeply, who made him feel more then what he was again. But it was never meant to be when he walked away from the old castle, the witch even said so.  
  
_'We stand upon the precipice of change. The world fears the inevitable plummet into the abyss. Watch for that moment and when it comes, do not hesitate to leap. It is only when you fall that you learn whether you can fly.'_  
  
It could only mean death, that's all it could mean. His kind fear death more then anything to fade into the nothing to forget who they once were.  
  
He didn't want to die.  
  
_'Only the loyal may walk where other's fear to tread. The hole becomes a whole when the bird soars in fire free.'_  
  
What else where her word's when the witch pinned everyone with her gaze?  
  
_'Even in the abyss of darkness, a light will always find away and a heart of just will be a beacon of hope when the world rock's on it's heel's.'_  
  
He had no idea what the witch meant by any of that, it was just riddle's from the ancient being. Justice sighed when the tug of Anders waking up started to pull him away from everything, and another battle would await him to break free from the both.  
  
He didn't want to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dwarven Translation *DA Wiki* -  
> Urtok - Dragon


	19. Chapter 19

Joe hummed in the fade, rubbing her stomach when she walked past the overly tall tree's. Feynriel managed to find her again a few month's back and grinned at her swell, waving his arm's excitedly telling her everything that's happened.  
  
She was waiting for him now while she carefully lowered herself on a stump, looking up at the tree's rising forever above her head. He had news apparently, about separation of spirits from host's and the likes, from a very well trusted source. She didn't know who this source was, other then the fact he was an Altus from the circle in Minrathous. Joe had no idea the Imperium even had a circle let alone one where Feynriel was studying at. But he obviously was making leaps and bounds there, staying away from the use of the darker art's and demons.  
  
Joe sighed miserably, looking down at her large bump. She wanted to be back with Orran, she wanted to go back to Kirkwall to be with her friend's, she felt utterly alone being in Orzammar even if they welcomed her with some what open arm's. That was bloody seven month's ago and she was going to be due soon, alone, with no-one to hold her hand, no Orran to be there to see his child born.  
  
They had written to one another since she came here, letting him and Varric know she was safely in Orzammar, with a bit of pomp and circumstance much to her annoyance, but she accepted it graciously when Bhelen welcomed her with open arm's. Maker, he maybe a bit of a dick, but he was trying to reform the entire dwarven culture by allowing casteless back into the underground city, even giving them his blessing to take up arm's against the Darkspawn deeper below them. She still hadn't heard from her brother, and that was worrying her, something was terribly wrong there when she got a letter back from Cousland saying he was busy and not to be disturbed by her trivial matter's.  
  
"Joe Joe Joe Joe oh JOOOEEEEE!"  
  
She snorted at Feynriel when he waved his arm's about in-front of her getting her attention, the grin over his face and she shook her head at him, "Makers breath you excitable puppy."  
  
"Sorry, I just, this is sooo exciting," he beam's out spinning around in circle's before falling onto the ground, "I found out a couple of thing's annnnd, I'm in love."  
  
"Oh Maker," Joe groan's looking at his face, "Start with the in love thing then give me the other's."  
  
Feynriel giggled and nodded while he sat up properly folding his leg's under him, "I fell in love with another man. Oh Joe he's so, dreamy. Though we have to keep it quiet, not allowed to do that sort of thing there," he sighs cupping his face in his hand's before grinning again, "He's the one who's been helping me with my research. Dorian Pavus. He's one of the good one's there, Joe. He hates blood magic, hates what his country turned into, and damned good in bed."  
  
"Oh sweet bloody Maker and his glorious backside," Joe laughs watching Feynriel's face light up thinking about it sighing again, "Okay okay I get it. Now what are the other thing's you found out?"  
  
"Oh yes right," he giggles before dropping his face to look serious, "There are several way's to break the hold of a host in it's spirit, but none of them are pleasant. The first is to, well, behead them, easiest way to do so. The second is to go into the fade directly with the aid of either lyrium or blood magic," both of them screw their face's up at blood magic, "and force the spirit or demon to leave with either coercion or a fight. I know Justice wants to, but Vengeance wont. Which leads me to the third one, that they both leave on their own accord. In all honesty Joe, I don't think any of those option's will work, not with Vengeance, it's not going to want to leave Anders."  
  
Joe felt even more miserable now, there was no way to fight Vengeance, not on her own, not with the baby due soon. Anders didn't seem that willing to let Vengeance go either. And Justice was stuck between them both.  
  
"I guess death would be the only option freeing them all from the bind they have. Shit."  
  
Feynriel nodded his head solemnly, "I'm sorry, I wish there was another way. Have you spoken with Justice or seen him at all?"  
  
Joe shook her head then winced when the baby kicked, "No, not for a long while. And little one, I know you want to come out and look about yourself, but be patient."  
  
"It's still wonderful how the both of you can be here together, Joe. It's a beautiful thing, mother and child," Feynriel whispered kneeling up to feel the baby kick in Joe, "Have you seen Hawke here as well?"  
  
"Only twice, but Maker I miss him. We miss each other. He was so astounded at how big I gotten, I," Joe sucked in a breath trying not to cry, "I want to go back I really do."  
  
"Joe, maybe you should after the baby's born. It's not right that you two are separated, but I do hear whispers in the dream's that something big is brewing in Kirkwall," he whispers pulling her in for a hug.  
  
Joe rest's her forehead on Feynriel's, putting her hand over his on her stomach, "I know. There's something off about that place too, and Meredith doesn't help either. Maker, I don't know what to do."  
  
"Only you can decide what you want to do, Joe. He sent you away for a reason. To keep you safe, but it still isn't right that your separated from each other, especially now."  
  
Joe nodded and hugged Feynriel once more before he said his goodbye's, leaving her sitting on the stump looking up at the tall tree's towering above.  
  
*****  
  
Hawke flopped down on the ground panting, arm's and leg's going everywhere, the smell of burnt feather's and fur stung his nose. He wanted to both laugh and cry laying there looking at the crystal clear blue sky above them, that moment's before had a fucking High dragon trying to eat them all.  
  
"Anyone need healing," Anders rang out panting just as heavily.  
  
"I require aid, mage. And so does the dwarf."  
  
"Anders to the rescue, oh broody elf."  
  
Hawke barked a raspy laugh still looking at the sky, flexing his hand's and feet before trying to sit up. Fuck him hard in the arse the dragon hurt when she picked him up and threw him about like a child's doll. He groaned loud at the deep gash's in his exposed arm's, then sent what little healing he had into them looking about himself. The High dragon lay dead and smoldering well away from them in the Bone Pit, dead miner's scattered around half eaten and scorched. Fuck, it was one hell of a hard fight, but at least it was done when he bowed his head still panting.  
  
The glint of the silver chain around his neck made him smile slightly when he lifted the vial to his lip's and kissed it before slipping it back under his armour. Joe gave him her phylactery before she left, in-case something happened to her while she was away. Track her anywhere, she told him handing it over while they laid in bed the morning before she went.  
  
Hawke sucked in a deep breath and thumbed the ring on his finger, and Maker did he want her back so much. It wasn't the same without her around, it would never be the same without her near, not even in the fade when they met up only twice. They made love both time's, but it wasn't the same as doing it in person, wasn't the same as feeling her under his hand's. He felt her stomach when they met, she was healthy and so was the baby. But it still hurt more then anything letting her go.  
  
"I think we're done here," he said wincing, pushing up from the ground, "And when I fucking see Hubert, I'm going to rip him a new one."  
  
"You and me both, Killer. He owes a lot of people with this bullshit. A lot," Varric shook his head putting Bianca away. The dwarf looked up at him and smiled, "We got a sodding dragon though. Couldn't of written it better."  
  
"Your just going to make stuff up, Varric. You always do," Hawke chuckled picking up his dropped staff, "No doubt add in a few more dragon's, a werewolf and maybe a Gryphon."  
  
"Naw, not the Gryphon. But werewolves, now there's an idea."  
  
"Oh Maker," Hawke laughed rolling his eyes walking over to the other two, who where once again bickering, "Oh for the love of- Just fuck and get it over with will you."  
  
Both Anders and Fenris stopped yelling and looked back at Hawke with wide eyes, not saying a damned word. Varric nudged him with a shit eating grin when he walked off, they where caught and they knew it when Hawke walked away from them too.  
  
"So, how long have you know, Killer?"  
  
Hawke smirked looking down at the dwarf, "About three month's now. They honestly think we didn't know."  
  
Varric snickered shaking his head, "It's been a lot longer then three month's."  
  
"WHAT?" Hawke coughed and winced at the pain in his chest then composed himself, "How much longer?"  
  
"Before Joe left"  
  
That was a little over a year ago now-  
  
Hawke shook his head at it. He should of realised when the bickering and arguing had gone from actual violence to the fake shit they've been doing. He's been so invested with Joe and keeping Meredith away from them all he didn't notice the subtle changes until three month's ago.  
  
"Well, I'm glad I have my trusty dwarf to keep me informed."  
  
"Too sodding right. What would you do with out me, hmm?"  
  
"I'd cry myself to sleep that's what," not like he hasn't done that since he sent Joe away.  
  
Hawke sighed reaching into his pouch when they got to their camp, pulling out the latest letter's from Joe. He sat down on the ground next to the dimming ember's of the fire, thumbing over the fine paper before reading her newest one again, for the umpteenth time. He had a son, a healthy baby boy. Alistair Malcolm Cadash-Hawke, named after her brother and his father. He thumbed over his tear stains on the paper, before putting it away in his pouch, re-reading the one previous about what she found out about spirit separation.  
  
There was no way without killing Anders, there wasn't enough lyrium he could get his hand's on any after Meredith blocked every underground movement, having her Templars killing the smuggler's, taking away the trade. And he certainly didn't want to dab his hand's in blood magic, not after what he learned about his father in the warden prison. He had to do it, though he had to turn to blood magic to lock away a secret the Warden's did.  
  
What a fun time that was going down there, what with Anders loosing his head because of the Magister Darkspawn talking in his head calling him. Then finding more about his father then he really wanted too. Maker he really wished his brother and sister were still alive to hear his father's word's. But it made him angry that the Warden's even forced his father into slitting his wrist's to bind the thing in the deep. He finished what his father started, what the Warden's couldn't do and killed it.  
  
Hawke sighed again thumbing his ring, putting the letter's away. He sent her back a reply, telling her everything, there would be no secrets from each other any more, not after what he found out about his real mother, the truth behind his father, everything. He just didn't want to end up like that lying abusive bastard, he really didn't. Hawke coughed again, rubbing his chest at the pain, wincing.  
  
"Copper for your thought's?"  
  
"I'm surprised your not in bed with Fenris, Anders," Hawke smirked at his fellow mage, then smirked more at his face, "Fuck off, you know it's just stupid at this point hiding it."  
  
"FINE!" Anders threw up it hand's then pouted, "We where trying to keep it secret you know, in-case shit hit the pit with Vengeance. Maker fuck that thing, I want him out!"  
  
"Well, who's the moron who asked for his aid while taking in Justice?"  
  
Anders narrowed his eyes and Hawke then sighed in defeat, "Yes yes I am. But still, I actually, really like Fenris. He's even promised me if Vengeance gets to overpowering, he'd stick his hand in me. In the not nice kind of way that is."  
  
"Did you read the letter Joe sent to Varric about separation?" Hawke needed to know if Anders was even willing to break free from his bond's.  
  
"I did. I don't fancy killing myself just to get them both out. And I highly doubt Vengeance will say 'Thanks for the lovely trip in your body. Toodle pip.' The only other way is to fight him in the fade. There's not enough raw lyrium to go around for that right now, and I'm not slitting my wrist's just for that sake."  
  
"If only Merrill didn't up and leave. I think she would of taken Vengeance in along with whatever else she was playing with fire."  
  
Anders tapped his chin with his finger humming a little while he looked about himself. He looked back at Hawke and huffed a sigh, "She went with a certain slutty pirate right?"  
  
Hawke nodded, wondering where this was going.  
  
"I might know someone who can get a hold of her if she's on land. If we can, she can bring Merrill back if she hasn't fled somewhere else. She can fucking take Vengeance right up the arse with her vine's all I care."  
  
That, might actually work if they can get Merrill back into Kirkwall, "Get Varric to write. It'll be better coming from him then you or me."  
  
*****  
  
Joe pinched the bridge of her nose at the noise coming from outside laying her book down. Any more noise and she'll fling the door's open, sleeping baby or no, and give them all an earful. Maker, she was trying to finish her reading as it was, she was nearly done and utterly floored what was in the book's. No wonder the Shaperate wanted this all kept between them and her. Whoever the writer was went further underground then anyone imagined possible, writing down everything they had found, from unusual dwarves to a heart beat in the mountain. It was far beyond fascinating, it was history that may never see the light of day if certain other Shaperate's had their way.  
  
The noise got louder stirring baby Ali from his slumber on Joe's chest, his blue-green eyes blinking at her, his nose wrinkling. Maker take the noisy fuck's, she's had enough. At least baby Ali wasn't a squalling child like most around him, always quiet when he woke up, always quiet when he needed feeding and changing. Joe ran her finger's through his flaxen hair, the same as his father's and sighed deeply when he gurgled happily. Joe smiled at him kissing his head cradling him in her arm's as she stood, dropping the book on her bed to yell at the arsehole's outside her door.  
  
"But she's my sister, I have every right to see her!"  
  
Joe's heart stopped, hearing his voice then ran over to the door flinging it open. Alistair jumped a little at the noise when everyone went silent behind him, and Joe couldn't help but grin wide at him looking down at his nephew then back at her, "Maker's breath."  
  
"Ali bear," she grinned shifting baby Ali in her arm's so her brother could see him, "Baby Ali, this is your uncle, the King of the high ground."  
  
"J-J-Joe, that's a baby. You have- oh Maker I need to sit down."  
  
Joe burst out laughing when he waved his arm about trying to steady himself, then got held up by a rather handsome man next to him, "Good grief, it's like you've never seen one before, Ali bear."  
  
"Bu-bu-bu-"  
  
"Baby. B.A.B.Y." she giggled out at his wide eyes looking at her.  
  
"Alistair, your acting the bloody fool again. Makers breath, why I ever put up with you is beyond me," the man chuckles out letting Alistair go on the bench, "Pleasure to meet you, Joette. I'm Aeden Cousland, this idiot's long suffering husband. I remember you briefly from Ostagar, and I apologise for the last letter, I didn't write it, Teagan did."  
  
Joe let out sigh shaking her head, "Son of a- thank you for telling me, I was about to give you a sodding mouthful," she grinned putting out her hand, "Joette Cadash-Hawke, at your service, though call me Joe, I prefer it."  
  
"Bu-bu-bu-" Alistair babbled again when she shook hand's with Aeden, earning another long suffering sigh from the man.  
  
"Oh pull yourself together, Ali bear. Yes I'm touching someone. Yes I have a baby, your nephew I might add. And yes, I'm engaged you bloody fruit cake."  
  
"Oh Maker, if I wasn't sitting down I'd need to sit down. Again," Alistair ran a hand down his face and breathed in several time's then looked back up at Joe, "When did all this happen? Last I heard you were, um, in Kirkwall and I got sodding threatened by one Varric Tethras that if I ever came to get you, he'd set some hawk on me."  
  
Joe closed her eyes and snickered loudly, "Not some hawk, Orran Hawke, baby Ali's dad," Joe frowned sitting down next to her brother, "Wait you didn't get my other letter's telling you what happened?"  
  
"No. Other then the first one, the only other one we got was, well, the one Teagan confiscated. Makers cock," Aeden ground his teeth pacing a little, "He's been hounding Alistair to marry Anora, trying to push me out. Trying to push reforms without our knowledge, and now this. Fuck."  
  
"And this is why I wanted nothing to do with any of it. Glad you freed me from that, Ali, I really am. But damn it all, he has no right going under your nose, your King and prince-consort not him."  
  
Alistair sighed loudly, "You freed yourself, Joe cat. Maker I still have no idea how you survived Ostagar, I really don't. You still use your bow, flinging magical arrow's about with it?"  
  
"Wait, your a mage?"  
  
Joe nodded to Aeden, kissing baby Ali on his head, "Half-dwarven mage to be precise."  
  
"Holy Makers golden nipple's! I, I thought," it was Aeden's turn to sit down heavily on the bench, "That's amazing!"  
  
Joe grinned at both him and Alistair stroking her son's hair. A yip sounded out from her home, and she grinned even more, "Want to meet my dwarven Mabari called Lady Mutton Chop's?"  
  
*****  
  
Alistair cooed over his name sake, cradling him in his arm's walking around Joe's home in the Diamond quarter, Aeden sitting down next to her, watching her form magic with her hand's, grinning as much as her brother, Mutton asleep on her feet.  
  
"I've known so many bloody dwarves, but never met half a dwarf with magic. And they put your name in the book as well," Aeden grinned pulling his goblet of ale over to him, "last time we came through here the entire place was a mess. Bhelen and Harrowmont fighting over the throne, Deyshrs in disarray, Branka."  
  
Joe raised an eyebrow at him, "Paragon Branka and her entire house lost because she was a fucking fool trying to bring back the damned golem's. Yeah I met Oghren, he told me ALLL about it in his drunken state."  
  
Aeden snorted putting his goblet down, "That dwarf out-drank everyone at the Keep in Amaranthine. Out drank every new recruit who thought they could out do him being a Warden. I was the only one who could drink his swill he called a home brew."  
  
"And Wynne," Alistair supplied sitting back down at the table grinning from ear to ear, "Maker Joe, he's so cute. He has your eyes and nose. Don't you, yes you do, baby Ali bear."  
  
"Oh that's just bloody great. You do know I can't exactly pop one out, right," Aeden rolled his eyes at his cooing husband.  
  
"Hmmph. Not for the lack of trying."  
  
Joe groaned putting her head on the table, then started chuckling at them both, "I don't know, maybe Ali should be the one trying to push one out. He squeal's like a girl."  
  
"HAH she has you there. Little pike twirler."  
  
Alistair narrowed his eyes at Aeden wrinkling his nose, "It's not little and you know it."  
  
"That's it, give me my son back. I don't want to hear how big or small my bloody brother is, let alone your sodding nephew hearing it too. For shame both of you, for shame."  
  
Alistair frowned holding baby Ali closer to his chest, "No, I get to hold him while you two talk behind my back like old fisher wives. Tell her about the time you punched Sten in the face just so he would follow us. Or what about Shale!"  
  
"Ahhh, my long lost ancient golem of a cousin. Shaperate Cadash told me about her, and so did everyone else here. Does she really hate bird's?"  
  
Aeden rolled his eyes nodding and snorting, "She hated everything when we woke her up. She threatened to crush our head's a few time's if we made too much noise. I have no idea what's happened to her though. All I know is she went with Wynne somewhere, not heard back from either of them."  
  
Joe smiled at him, "I do. She's with Shaperate Cadash in the Western Approach somewhere. They set off a few month's back, though I have yet to meet my stony faced cousin. I couldn't tell you about Wynne. I only learned a few thing's about her from Anders."  
  
Alistair went wide eyed at her as Aeden spat his ale out everywhere on the floor, "He's still alive! WHERE?"  
  
"Shhh, baby Bear's asleep. Maker, do you always have to be so loud, Aeden!" Alistair groused cradling his nephew even closer to his chest, stroking finger's down his face.  
  
"Um," Joe blushed biting her lip before sighing, "He's in Kirkwall, has been for the past few year's. He's, um, well-"  
  
"Possessed, yeah we know. Morrigan told us and so did Wynne. Two fucking spirits as well."  
  
Joe pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed again, "We didn't find that out until he did something really terrible. He, killed a mage girl when we tried to save her, Vengeance took him over while Justice screamed for them to stop. It, it was horrible. He nearly killed Orran. He told us about Justice but never told us about Vengeance. He's, not coping very well with both of them trying to fight one another inside him."  
  
"Makers breath. We all knew he wasn't right when he saved him from the tower, but that- He does know he can be freed from them right?" Aeden muttered.  
  
"Yes, three option's, but I nor anyone else thinks Vengeance wont go without killing both him and Justice. Varric sent me a letter saying their trying to find an old friend to help out, on the, um, blood magic route. I want to find her too."  
  
Joe slipped her eyes closed thinking about Justice. The spirit was dying with no way to save him. Even if blood magic was used, he'd be far too diminished from himself, that death would be a mercy. But death for a spirit was worse then a death for a mortal, he would never be the same again.  
  
"Joe, we're going back to Denerim soon. And," Alistair looked over at Aeden, "we want you to come back with us for a while. We can do it from there rather then here."  
  
"We need to deal with Teagan and Eamon too, but, we will eventually be heading to Kirkwall to bring our people home. They've suffered enough being away from home, and we want them back," Aeden added rubbing Alistair's arm.  
  
Joe looked at them both and closed her eyes, "Yes, Maker yes. I still have a few thing's to do before I can go. But, I'll come back with you."


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Slight body horror, terminal Illness, nightmare.

Everything was going to hell in a hand basket around him. Everything. First Meredith's madness locking herself away in the Viscount's keep, surrounding herself with her Templars. Second was the fucking Templars roaming the city, breaking down door's and slaughtering people who are believed to be mages, harbouring mages, or none of the above. Third was the fact Varric's brother was stark raving mad, sitting naked in his own filth in his mansion, blood dripping from his mouth eating his own lip's.  
  
Varric threw up when they found Bartrand, his guards half eaten, half over flowing with lyrium, dripping from their mouth's into the blood pooling around them. Bartrand sat there rocking on his feet, digging into the ground looking for the idol, his word's half bubbling from his eaten lip's saying she took it from him. This, was utter madness when Hawke and Anders tried to heal him, there was nothing they could do to fix the broken mind, just the broken flesh and bone's.  
  
"Varric," Hawke muttered to his friend, kneeling down next to him outside the room, "what do you want to do?"  
  
Varric shrugged his shoulder's before wiping his face on the sleeve of his duster, "That's not my brother in there," he roughly said out trying to breath, "I'll, I'll do the only thing a brother can."  
  
Hawke nodded and squeezed his friend's shoulder when they both stood, Varric picking Bianca up from the floor where he laid her when he slumped down on the wall after throwing up everywhere.  
  
Fenris took Anders arm dragging him out the room from healing the mad dwarf still rocking on the floor, still trying to dig into the marble tile's under him, and they both nodded to Varric closing the door behind them. Hawke bit his lip looking at the door and sighed out through his nose looking about the ruined mansion. All this from the idol, all this madness. It was making him wonder what the fuck the idol was to drive Bartrand mad.  
  
The three of them stood there in silence, Fenris wrapping his arm around Anders when the mage choked back a sob hearing the clunk-click of Bianca in the room beyond. Hawke, clamped a hand over his mouth leaning his head back on the wall hearing Varric yell in the room, hearing something being thrown, and then silence again. He didn't want to think about his brother and sister right now, he didn't want to remember the dark week's of sorrow and grief running through him. But his friend needed him when he opened the door stumbling a few step's before he let Bianca slip from his grasp and fell onto his knee's crying.  
  
Hawke took his friend in his arm's and held him tight as the dwarf sobbed into his chest. Varric did the same for him loosing his brother and sister, he did the same when he sent Joe away from the city. Maker, his son would be six month's old by now, six month's he hasn't seen his own son, well over a year since he's seen his love, only letter's and meeting each other in the fade before she gave birth. Hawke bit his lip hard when his own tear's fell again coughing hard on his friend's shoulder.  
  
"You should take Varric out of here. Me and Fenris can," Anders choked back another sob, "we can deal with what's here."  
  
Hawke nodded picking his friend up in his arm's, Fenris handing him Bianca and took Varric away from the nightmare of the mansion, "I'll take him back to my place."  
  
He left the other two to deal with what's left, knowing Anders will scorch the place clean from the foulness surrounding it. The dead broken ethereal golem flicking as he went by, the dead servant's, guards, all of them left behind when he walked out the place to his home. Varric clutching his shoulder's tight, sobbing hard into them, as they made their way into the dark of night. Hawke was thankful nobody was around, what with the curfew's in place by the Templars. He needed to be quick about this darting past the chantry, he had no need to be caught and thrown into the Gallows, lapdog or no. Anders and Fenris would have to hurry up too, he didn't want Anders out with all these Templars around.  
  
Hawke kicked his door shut behind him and sighed out in relief taking Varric to the chair in-front of the roaring fire Orana set for them. Maker bless the elven girl, she may of been a former slave but she was Maker sent with her cooking and cleaning. Fenris managed to save her from a set of slaver's intent on bringing him back to Danarius, which they all enjoyed killing, to rid the world of more filth. All they needed now was to kill Danarius, and Fenris would be finally free from his last set of chain's.  
  
Hawke grimaced when he walked into the kitchen, his chest wracking with coughs when he lent on the counter-top. He put his hand over his mouth and felt the blood splatter against it.  
  
"Hawke, let me check again."  
  
He shook he head pushing away from the counter top, "Anders, there's nothing you can do, nothing I can fucking do, alright."  
  
"Stop being so stubborn, and let me ease it for a while."  
  
Hawke sighed running his hand's under the dwarven pluming in the sink then rinsing the blood from his mouth, "Fine," he muttered spitting the blood out into the sink.  
  
Anders put his hand's on his back, sending out healing through them to Hawke's lung's, "Bartrand's place is dealt with. I hope people don't mind a lovely raging fire in the middle of Hightown when I threw a few fireball's at it."  
  
Hawke laughed and coughed at the same time, leaning on the sink as more blood sprayed from his mouth into it, "Fuck."  
  
"Shit, sorry," Anders muttered resuming his healing on Hawke's lung's.  
  
Hawke closed his eyes letting Anders healing clear his lung's out temporarily. His own healing was shit now without any help, he couldn't gain any audience with anything not with Vengeance and Justice close by scaring them all away. His own healing kept the same sickness his father had at bay, and now, there was nothing neither he nor Anders could do about it.  
  
"There, that's the best I can do for now. You seriously need to take it easy for a few day's before She comes running again," Anders spat out the word She like the filth she was ruining everything around her, "and for the Maker's sake, you need to tell Joe."  
  
"I know, alright, but how the fuck can I tell her I'm slowly dying Anders, that that-" Hawke broke down slumping his back against Anders, his body shaking as he cried hard gripping the sink more.  
  
"I know, I know."  
  
Anders embraced him from behind guiding him to sit in the chair by the table, then glanced up at Fenris holding a letter in his hand, "What is it?"  
  
"Joe, it's, Venhedis, one moment while I catch my breath," Fenris panted holding his side and sucked in several deep breath's.  
  
Hawke's heart hammered in his chest at hearing her name, he couldn't take much more grief right now, he just couldn't.  
  
"Forgive me," Fenris said rubbing Hawke's arm, "She's fine. She's in Denerim with her brother and brother-in-law, enjoying the place as it should, apparently. Your son seems to be enjoying himself too, capturing the attention of all the ladies there."  
  
Hawke took the letter from Fenris' hand and let out the breath he didn't know he was holding in. He read the letter and smiled when he saw the lock of hair attached to the bottom, and stroked it. His son's hair, the same colour as his. He read the letter more while the other two bustled around the kitchen with Orana telling them both off. Her brother and Aeden doted on his son, baby Ali bear, and Hawke smiled at the nickname.  
  
Teagan and Eamon where hung for treason against the crown. Good.  
  
Lady Isolde had fled back to Orlais leaving her mage son behind at Redcliffe. Bitch but good, albeit hypocritical of her after what she did to both Joe and her brother.  
  
And Lady Mutton Chop's has a boyfriend in Aeden's Mabari. Makers ball's really!  
  
Joe finished her time in Orzammar, leaving behind the ancient book's for the Shaperate to deal with now, she has copies of them both she wrote out in hand in-case they mysteriously vanish into thin air. Another good thing. Smart woman his Just Joe.  
  
He smiled again stroking the lock of his son's hair. His baby boy. Maker, how was he going to tell her he was dying. That their son wouldn't have a father soon? How the fuck was he going to tell her.  
  
*****  
  
The patter of rain on the roof was soothing when Joe walked about the palace. Everyone else was asleep except for her and baby Ali. Something or someone woke both of them up from their trot about the fade together. She was still amazed that her and her son could go together, that their bond was that great they could walk through the fade when they slept. Even the young man Feynriel was still amazed they could when they met up.  
  
But something or someone woke them up, something or someone quite powerful. The tug wasn't too dissimilar to the witch Flemeth, but not as great and definitely not as old.  
  
Joe walked down the winding stair's to the great hall, keeping her foot fall's silent in the night. Mutton crawled on her belly next to her, her ear's almost pressed flat on her head when they reached the bottom. The tug of dark yet not foul magic pulled at her own, repulsing it away. Her bone's shook inside her, vibrating right through her like the peal of bell's when she walked through the great hall, the flickering candle's showing nothing in there.  
  
She walked through slowly to the dinning hall, and felt the tug again and baby Ali grumbled in her arm's, wrinkling his nose up.  
  
"Well, well, what have we here?"  
  
Joe flinched at the voice and flicked her wrist summoning her wisp.  
  
A woman sat on one of the benches in not much top clothing, dark hair pulled up high in her head, yellow eyes shining like a cat looking straight at Joe. A small head peaked around the woman then giggled when it went back behind her.  
  
"My son," the woman said nodding her head at Joe, "is a little shy around stranger's. But you, are no stranger, Joe."  
  
"Who are you and how in the Makers name do you know my name?" Joe was feeling very very uneasy with the woman.  
  
The woman clucked her tongue and slowly stood up, "T'would seem my manner's have fled. I am Morrigan, and this, is my son Kieran. And as how I know you name," Morrigan chuckled walking slowly over to Joe like a cat stalking her prey, "it sings within the fade, within the stone's. Such an unusual creature you are, half-dwarf."  
  
"Stay the hell back," Joe raised her hand at Morrigan letting her magic swirl in it, "How did you get in here? What do you want?"  
  
"T'would seem our fate's where meant to cross, Isana. And do put your magic away, we are not here to hurt either of you."  
  
Joe felt the powerful magic roll from Morrigan and stepped back letting her magic go, holding her son closer. Morrigan waved her hand to the seat at the end of the table, while a little boy got out of his seat to stand by his mother, "She's very pretty. Sings like the blue. So does he." The boy waves his hand about denoting an aura around them and smiled at her.  
  
Joe's eyes went wide at the boy, feeling strong magic and something darker emanate from him, "You didn't answer my question's."  
  
Morrigan smirked and nodded before sitting back down closer to Joe, her son still smiling at her, "I did not. My mother always said my manner's where lacking. But anyway, you are seeking a way to free another from his bond's of two spirits. I can help."  
  
"How in the- who told you that?"  
  
Morrigan clucked her tongue again tilting her head, "A friend you know well. Merrill. The young dalish blood mage seeking to rebuild her past. We met in unique, circumstance's. She was trying to rebuild a mirror that would of killed her, and I was seeking a mirror myself. We aided each other."  
  
Joe narrowed her eyes at the woman. A mirror? Baby Ali grumbled in her arm's again when the boy Kieran came closer, looking over her son's face with awe.  
  
"Mother," the boy whispered putting his hand out to baby Ali, making Joe pull him back away from the boy's hand, "was I ever this small?"  
  
Morrigan laughed out loud nodding her head at her awe struck son, "Yes you where. Now come here, you have to ask permission to touch. Remember your manner's little man."  
  
"Sorry. You are both very pretty, very blue. I see why they like you, Isana, singing stone."  
  
"Makers breath," Joe breathed out, her body shaking slightly looking away from both powerful mother and son before her, "what do you want?"  
  
"To free the mage who so foolishly took two within himself. They both need to return home and so do you. I will free them, and we will go out separate way's after it is done. I ask for nothing in return, I am not my mother," Morrigan spat.  
  
"What about Merrill, where is she?"  
  
"Pah, foolish girl. She gave herself over to the Audacity she consorted with. I know not where she roams now, but that she is not in this world. So you needn't worry about that."  
  
Joe flicked her gaze back to Morrigan and shook her head, running her finger's down her son's face soothing him. Mutton sat down next to her and cocked her head at Kieran and boofed quietly at him before wagging her tail rolling on her back when the boy stroked her head.  
  
"How will you do it? Blood magic?"  
  
"Yes," Morrigan nodded, "But it is nothing to be feared. It is a tool, not unlike a hammer or chisel. If done correctly it can be used for many a thing. Your friend would of done something much worse then what I would do, and that would of bought more attention then needed."  
  
Joe nodded her head then heard the dinning hall door fling open, Alistair, Aeden and a few guards running in brandishing weapon's. Aeden squeaked when he saw who was sitting next to Joe, and grabbed Alistair by the arm, "Makers fucking cock!"  
  
"Oh that's just- Morrigan," Alistair spat dropping both his sword and shield armour down, "Why am I not surprised. What do you want now?"  
  
"To help, as I normally do. And I am not here for either of you," Morrigan smirked then waved a hand at Joe, "So you can stop prancing about like the fool's you both are."  
  
"Well this is just great. And what's the price this time, witch," Aeden spat at her putting himself in-front of Alistair, "Don't you think you have enough?"  
  
"Oh I have enough, but I require nothing from Joe. I have no need of anything more, I have what I wanted, Prince-Consort, and so do you. Now, are we done peacocking, we have plan's to make."  
  
*****  
  
_The sound of someone humming in his ear's made him flinch looking about himself. The field's where burning around him, building's, the windmill all ablaze in fire licking up at the sky._  
  
_The sound of humming pulled him away from the ever burning Lothering, his leg's urging him to run, to flee, to get away from the fire that was following him. Blazing a trail through Gwaren with every push of his feet on the ground._  
  
_Screams erupted around him running over the sea of blue, the fire following him over the water. He needed to get to the humming, he needed to find who it was calling him._  
  
_His father mocking him in his ear the further he ran. Blood running out of his mouth when his chest seized in pain the more he ran. The trail of fire slowly catching up with him as his pace slowed._  
  
_'Brother. Why?' Bethany called out to him holding her open stomach, pulling out the dead child from within to show him, 'Why?'_  
  
_'NOTHING BUT CANCER IN THE HEART OF OUR SOCIETY!' Meredith spat at him, blood pouring out her eyes pulling a sword from the chest of his brother hanging from nothing next to her, his_ _black tongue bubbling trying to speak._  
  
_Hawke ran harder, following the hum. Following it to where he needed to go._  
  
_'Lies, lies. Oh look more bullshit lies,' Varric grinned at him throwing page after page at him from his book's, Bianca's bolt's embedded in his head like a crown, 'Lies.'_  
  
_He felt sick going past the bodies laying the ground, the Qunari ripping out their arm's to beat the dead with. The Viscount's headless body holding his dead son against his chest, pointing a finger at Hawke accusing him as he ran by._  
  
_He stopped his run when Templars barged past him, lyrium pouring from their mouth's hauling Anders kicking and screaming body away, the brand emblazoned on his forehead. Fenris chained to them naked when they yanked on the thick rope around his hand's and neck._  
  
_Hawke ran again, away from them to the humming that came from his home._  
  
_The door was wide open, trails of fire following him when he ran through the main room, the wall's coated in frost, snow lazily drifting from the ceiling onto his face when he goes up the stair's to his room._  
  
_The humming was so loud in his ear's when he pushed open the door, and then almost screamed when he saw Joe encased in stone kneeling before the bed. His own body withered, trying to breath when she stood up, holding something in her hand's to turn and face him at the door._  
  
_His chest heaved again when blood poured out of his mouth, pooling on the floor around him catching fire when the trail caught up to him. Joe's eyes shone through the stone when she tilted her head at him, the stone cracking around her when she raised her arm's up at him._  
  
_'Your son, Urtok,' she whispered when the stone cracked in a shower of blue, blinding him briefly. But she was gone. His son was gone. All that remained was the dying husk of himself on the bed._  
  
Hawke's eyes shot open, his skin covered in sweat panting heavily looking up at the ceiling. He hasn't had a nightmare in a long time, and definitely not one like that. He sat up slowly and grimaced at the pain in his chest and felt Joe's phylactery fall back around his neck. Hawke tried to ease his panting holding it in his hand and kissed it gently, wishing to all the Maker and everything else she was here with him.  
  
His chest seized when he tried to move off the bed, and sat there on the edge coughing up more blood on the floor. It was getting worse, day by day it was slowly killing him and there was nothing he could do when it would take him fully.  
  
His bedroom door flung open as Anders came running in, feeling the healing before he even laid a hand on him.  
  
"Hawke," Anders muttered sitting down on the bed next to him, "You can't keep this up."  
  
"I know that," Hawke spat at him when he turned his head then grimaced when blood splattered on Anders face, "fuck."  
  
Anders shook his head, pushing more healing into his lung's, pushing out the blood and phlegm easing his chest for a while before it would all happen again the next day, "I've been covered in worse. Healer's prerogative, you know."  
  
"How," Hawke sucked in a deep breath, breathing a little more easier with the blood being removed, "how much time do you think?"  
  
"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie?"  
  
"Tell me the fucking truth, Anders," Hawke shook slightly already knowing what the other mage would say.  
  
Anders sighed pulling his hand's away before rubbing his face, "Less then six month's, give or take. I'm sorry, Hawke."  
  
Hawke lowered his head, and bit his lip feeling the single tear roll down his face. There wasn't much time left in him, and Joe still wasn't here. Maker, why? Why did it have to be him He saw fit to take now, Why?  
  
"Fasta Vass. You have to come quick. There's, there's a golem outside the door. And she doesn't seem very happy being here!"  
  
Hawke and Anders looked up at the pale faced Fenris waving his hand's for both of them to come. Hawke nodded his head and nudged Anders to get out of his room while he cleaned up. What in the Maker's name was going on now? A fucking golem? Hawke paused putting his hand's in the water basin. A golem. A female golem. No, it couldn't be.  
  
Hawke quickly rinsed out his mouth and washed the blood from his face and chest then threw on the nearest clothing he could find, before going out the balcony over looking the main room. And there she was, a fucking golem grinding her teeth looking about herself, and then she looked up at him with her white glowing eyes and scoffed.  
  
"So this is where it has been living. I'm not impressed."  
  
Hawke blinked several time's at the golem in-front of him, the golem gauging him tilting it's head to one side.  
  
"Hmmph, yet another slack jawed mage. Wonderful."  
  
"Shayle, Shayle Cadash?" Hawke muttered almost stumbling down the stair's to her, Fenris and Orana to one side their back's almost against the wall when the golem started to more over to Hawke.  
  
"Ugh yes. I suppose you can call me that. But I prefer Shale. Hmmph, I was expecting a bird when she told me. I was going to crush you under my foot. How disappointing."  
  
Hawke shook his head and blinked more at Shale when she started laughing, not unlike water going over stone's in a river, "Maker, I didn't think you be so, big!"  
  
"I'm far superior then some squishy flesh bag as yourself. And older. And wiser. And not at all interested in you humans disgusting habit of hugging and kissing and, eww, swapping other bodily function's."  
  
Anders barked out a laugh shaking his head at her, "You haven't changed a bit have you, Shale. Andraste's flaming knickers, it's good to see you again you bloody walking statue."  
  
"Oh look, it's you. Are you going to talk my head off as normal, mage. I hope not, I had enough of that year's ago."  
  
"What are you doing here Shale?"  
  
"Hmmph. Being a body guard as usual for them," she thumbed behind her, "Oh yes, I forgot. Silly me."  
  
"Makers cock Shayle. Did we really have to bring her?" a voice said behind them making Anders put his hand over his mouth and his eyes go wide when a dark haired man pushed past the golem, "And there's my fucking missing mage. Anders you cunt, get over here!"  
  
"AEDEN!" Anders squealed flinging himself into the man's arm's earning a low growl from Fenris and a raised eyebrow from Hawke when he stepped back from the golem walking away from him to lean against the wall.  
  
"Who? Me? No? I don't know zis Aeden you speek ov. Who iz zis man, Alistair?" Aeden chuckled pushing Anders away.  
  
It was Hawke's turn to almost fall over when he heard the name, his heart hammered hard in his chest when someone else stepped through his door rubbing his ear's, "And here I thought I filled my daily quota with squealing girl's. Maker Anders your as bad as him when he starts yelling."  
  
Anders grabbed them both pulling them into a bear hug while Shayle rolled her eyes huffing, "Please, could you do that away from me so I don't get contaminated by it."  
  
"Ahhh yes, the golem complains once again. Why am I not surprised. Shall I turn into a bird and hover over your head, golem, or will you be silent."  
  
There where so many people coming into his home. Hawke didn't know what to do when he felt the huge powerful tug of magic from the dark haired woman stalking in, a boy next to her, his eyes looking over everything and everyone on awe, before turning his gaze on Hawke, and smiled sadly at him.  
  
"Morrigan, Shayle, Makers sake, could you two stop bickering for five minute's please. Month's we've had to listen to it MONTHS!"  
  
Hawke's heart hammered loud in his chest when Joe walked in, holding his son on her hip. The world and everyone round him stopped when he looked at her looking at him, her face smiling wide when he walked over to her, his feet felt like lead choking back a sob when he pulled her in against him, running his hand down his son's head.  
  
"Joe," he whispered holding her tighter, holding his son's hand in his, "Maker, I, I missed you so much."  
  
"We missed you too, Urtok. More then you bloody know," she sobbed against his chest, burying her face in it, "We're here now. We're here."  
  
"Can we please get on with the killing and crushing. All this, hugging is making me want to vomit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dwarven Translation *DA Wiki* -  
> Isana - Term for lyrium AKA singing stone.  
> Urtok - Dragon


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Terminal illness, sex.

Hawke looked down at his son laying in his arm, running his finger's over baby Ali's face smiling. He was perfect, utterly perfect. His legacy. Baby Ali giggled grabbing his finger and tugged giggling more, and Hawke's heart broke. He would never see his son grow, never see his son turn into a man, perhaps a mage. Never see him live his life. He wanted to curse the Maker for this. He wanted to curse his father for his fucking sickness he passed onto him and not Carver or Bethany. He wanted to curse everything around him taking everything away again when he dies.  
  
No, no, he couldn't dwell on that now not with his son in his arm's falling asleep, not while Joe was talking to everyone downstairs. No, he needed to live his life before he died, he needed to love his son, his Joe before he slipped away. He needed to free Anders from Vengeance and free Justice. He needed to see his fellow mages free from Meredith. He had his life to live before he died. He couldn't dwell.  
  
Hawke slowly stood up from sitting on the edge of his bed, carefully walking over to the crib in his, no, in their bedroom, and smiled at his sleeping son putting him carefully down in the crib. Hawke sighed deeply looking at the sleeping boy, running his finger's again over his head, over his hair, and slipped his eyes closed. Even if it where possible for him to take a spirit into himself as Morrigan had said, it would do no good, his body will still die with the sickness running through his chest. He would still die, and so the spirit would be homeless in a corpse that would fade away.  
  
He and Morrigan spoke quietly, she knew he was sick, her son knew, even someone as powerful as her couldn't fix him. But she was going to break the bond of the two spirits from Anders with blood magic, much to Fenris' disapproval. It was the only way now, the only way without lyrium, and Anders agreed even with having to be restrained by the golem when Vengeance made an appearance yelling at them all they where traitor's.  
  
But there was no sign of Justice. He was there, Morrigan had said, she could feel him battling the other angry spirit, but he was not whole. He was slipping away further each day, that's how the idea of him taking Justice within himself came about when he asked her. But she said no, it wouldn't work, there where too many hole's in Justice to fill. Both him and Justice where dying slowly, being eaten away by something foul, and only one of them could be saved.  
  
The door to his bedroom shut softly, and Hawke smiled when he felt the soothing familial tug of Joe's magic pulling at his. She stood beside him, resting her head on him when he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, "Morrigan's going to try tomorrow. There's a good chance something shitty may happen to Anders when Vengeance and Justice are free, hence why we have Shayle with us in-case Vengeance tries to pull something."  
  
"Fenris was going to kill Anders if Vengeance took over," Hawke muttered pulling her away from the crib to sit on the bed.  
  
"Yeah, he already stated that. But Shayle is the back-up incs Fenris can't do it, or if Vengeance is too powerful," Joe looked up at him and frowned deeply into his eyes, "Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
Hawke bit his lip and screwed his eyes shut, then sighed out pulling her closer, "I didn't know how too. It shouldn't of come on this fast. But with out help from the fade, it, just run rampant. I should of had another twenty year's, but my grief and the other two kept everything away from gaining an audience. It would of killed me in the end, but, it's sooner then it should be."  
  
"Oh Orran," Joe sighed gripping him tighter, "what are we going to do?"  
  
"Live my life," he muttered pulling her down to lay on the bed, "live the rest of my life with the woman I fucking love, and my son."  
  
Hawke cupped her face as he kissed her, Joe's hand's gripping his shirt tight when he slipped his tongue in her mouth, his other arm pulling her on-top of him making her straddle his thigh's. Maker, he's missed this so much, he should never of sent of her away, he should never of sent them both away.  
  
He moaned into the kiss, feeling their magic twist around each other and tilted her head more pushing his tongue deeper into her mouth, rocking his hip's up into her. Joe bunched her hand's tighter in his shirt then ripped the button's away when she pulled it open, and Maker did he growl low at the feeling her hand's run over his chest as they rocked their hip's together. He's missed this more then anything when he rips open her shirt cupping her breast's his hand's running his thumb's over her stiffening nipple's through her breast band.  
  
Joe moaned quietly against his lip's pulling back from the kiss, and he chased her tongue sucking it before letting it go, earning a chuckle from her when she slip's off his thigh's, letting her shirt and breast band fall onto the floor, pulling her pants and smalls kicking them away from her. Hawke growled even lower in his throat shucking out of his own shirt, undoing the laces on his pants kicking them off the bed while he crawled up it, his eyes never leaving hers when Joe lent down to take his lip's again.  
  
His cock was so fucking hard it ached when she brushed it gently with her finger's. No, he didn't want that, he wanted to be inside her, it's been too fucking long.  
  
He pulled back from the kiss cupping her face, "Back against my chest," he murmured then sucked in her bottom lip when she nipped at his nose. Maker, it felt good to feel her in his hand's again when she laid on her side, her back on his chest, her head on his shoulder and he couldn't help but bite down on it when he picked up her leg by her knee, slipping his cock over her mound from behind.  
  
"Oh, sweet maker," she sighed when he rocked his hip's over her mound, holding her leg higher so her heel rest on his thigh. He gripped her waist with his other arm, holding her tight against him, biting down on her shoulder on the side of drawing blood, and slowly slipped his cock inside her wetness.  
  
Oh, the sound that came from her mouth when he slowly slid in were divine, and she was divine around him when he slowly slid out. He licked away the sting on her neck, then pressed small kisses against it when he languidly rolled his hip's into hers from behind his hand on her waist going lower.  
  
Joe pushed her head back into him when his hand reached her mound, and moaned out low when he slid his finger's over her. Hawke licked over the shell of her ear and groaned into it feeling how wet she was there, his finger's gently going in circle's over her in time with his languid rolls. He gripped behind her knee tighter, pulling it up spreading her open more while he ran his finger's over her a little faster, and grit his teeth lengthening the rolls of his hip's.  
  
"Fuck," Hawke muttered against her neck and bit down on it again when their magic twisted harder against each other. His finger's touched his cock and groaned against her neck at the feeling of him both fucking her wetness and feeling her mound under his finger's, "fuck."  
  
"Orran," Joe whispered to him arching her head back, "Orran," she whispered again feeling her body tighten around him. Hawke lengthened his rolls into her, feeling his chest tighten but he ignored it while he rubbed her more, feeling the tightness under his finger's. Joe pushed her head back into him when she came, but he didn't stop when he fastened his pace, gripping her knee tighter, thumb running over her mound.  
  
"Joe," he muttered into the side of her head, "I love you," he said into her ear licking it, his hip's snapping hard into her, "I fucking love you." Hawke arched his back gritting his teeth gripping hold of her waist again, his chest hurt like hell, but he wasn't going to stop. Joe came around him again and he bit down on her shoulder snapping his hip's even more into her from behind, rolling her onto her stomach. Hawke rested his forehead on her back, panting against it, his hip's snapping hard into her, feeling his magic roll over his skin,  
then bit down stifling a scream as he came in her, his body stuttering and shaking.  
  
"Maker have mercy," he panted out on her back, slowing the rock of his hips but not stopping, licking away the sting on her where he bit down, "I fucking missed you."  
  
*****  
  
The morning, was not going so well when she woke up to Orran wracked with coughing from the bathing chamber. He didn't want her to see when she knocked on the door, and to just get Anders, if the mage was free. She didn't need to even get him when he ran into the bedroom half dressed and told Joe to take baby Ali into the kitchen while he dealt with this. Maker, her heart was breaking listening to the hacking coughs from her Urtok when she went down the stair's.  
  
The morning got worse when Vengeance spat and raged while Shayle pinned Anders against the wall, refusing to go along with the farce they were putting on him. Fenris was going frantic nearby urging Morrigan to hurry up. The witch just pushed him out the way and carried on with the rune's on the floor, marking each one out with precision with Joe. Alistair held baby bear in his arm's as Aeden marched around the mansion, closing every drape, every door so no-one could see what will and was happening inside.  
  
The morning went from worse to down right cluster-fuck when Varric came running into the mansion saying Danarius was here in the Hanged Man slaughtering everyone. Joe watched the pained decision in Fenris' face, then ran out with Varric, grabbing Aveline along the way to deal with his former master. Vengeance was still frothing at the mouth still pinned by Shayle, lashing out occasionally with Anders magic. Orran sat in the library with their son and Alistair, keeping them both away from everything in the main room  
  
Morrigan looked at her and nodded. Joe step's back from the circle of rune's and sighed deeply. They needed to be quick when Shayle brought Anders and Vengeance, Morrigan would bind them in the rune's, and Joe would have to step in afterwards essentially putting herself in mortal danger. Orran was not happy about it, but he was too sick to do it, and Morrigan had to stay on the outside casting her spells. And that left the only other mage here to step into the binding unbinding circle's with a frothing Vengeance.  
  
"Ready," Morrigan said, and Joe really didn't feel it but nodded anyway.  
  
"Shayle," the golem heaved a sigh at her name and nodded, holding Anders tighter.  
  
"NOW!" Morrigan shout's stepping back at the same time as Joe, Aeden pulling his sword free in-case. And Shayle yanked Anders and the raging Vengeance away from the wall and took two stride's before pushing him into the circle.  
  
Joe grit her teeth and went in after them, and felt the wave of dark magic go through her, and repulsed it away while Vengeance wrinkled his nose up her and went to lash out with his hand's.Joe stood firm when the blood started to swirl around them, grabbing hold of Vengeance arm's and leg's pinning him place. The scream that came from Anders mouth was terrifying, and Joe felt sick watching him struggle against the bond. She put her hand out and muttered the word's Morrigan taught her under her breath then placed her hand on Anders head-  
  
-she screamed herself feeling her entire body vibrate from within, feeling Vengeance's power go through her. The fade rippled like a wild animal around them and they both collapsed onto the floor.  
  
Joe wanted to vomit everywhere, but reeled it in when Vengeance's true form looked up at her slowly from the ground. Anders fade self flicked nearby, and so did Justice. Oh Maker, he was almost gone when she looked at him. His armour was so dented and rusted, he no longer had his sword and shield, she had no idea if he was still alive at this point when she looked back at Vengeance. And Maker was he angry when he stood up to his full height towering well over her, his teeth clenched together, grinding.  
  
Joe wanted to back away from him when he stalked over to her, pulling his two-hander free from his back and pointed it at her, his black armour and sword smoking, "You DARE!" he yelled.  
  
"No, you dared," she spat back at him, his deep blue gaze pinning her to the spot when he pushed his sword tip into her neck, "I wont bloody cower, Vengeance."  
  
"I could of done great thing's, and you took it away. I will NOT BE DENIED MORTAL!"  
  
Joe's shoulder's began to shake when she started laughing, earning a confused look from Vengeance when he lowered his sword slightly, "Like what? Getting Vengeance on every fucking thing in the mortal realm. Don't be an idiot." Maker was she really back talking the angry spirit. Yes she was, she must of lost her mind.  
  
"The Templars nee-"  
  
"YES YES I FUCKING KNOW WHAT TEMPLARS ARE LIKE," Joe shouted back at him, walking slowly forward putting the tip of his sword against her neck, "I spent 18 fucking year's in one's shackle. Anders spent nearly 20 year's behind wall's. I know what their like, and I don't need someone like YOU TELLING ME ALL ABOUT IT!"  
  
Vengeance stepped back lowering his sword fully, "I," he shook his head then sneered at her, "And what did you do about it mortal. Stand by and wat-"  
  
"Oohhhh no you don't. Don't even go there. I never stood by when I watched other's suffer when I freed myself. I got my hand's bloody," Joe spat at him, "I suffered when everyone else stood and watched and did nothing. I FREED MYSELF YOU ARROGANT PIECE OF SHIT!"  
  
Joe felt the collar around her neck and sneered pulling it away from her and threw it at Vengeance, "I wore that for 10 year's, because all they saw me was a fucking dog. I was a DOG, Vengeance, a pet to be pulled about and abused. An ugly half-breed mage whore of a dog. And now, now look at me," Joe stepped ever closer to him, Vengeance had no idea what to do when he dropped his sword on the ground, "I'm free. Other's will be free. Don't think I don't know what was planned, spirit. I do. And I whole heartedly agree with it. Why? Because there can be NO peace. There never will be peace between Templar and mage."  
  
Vengeance sucked in a breath when he stepped back again. It sounded human, just like Justice and Joe really looked at the angry spirit.  
  
"Who were you before, Vengeance? Were you like Justice?" she asked him quietly still looking at his face, and Maker, what is it with spirits and looking utterly beautiful even if they are angry.  
  
"I, I," Vengeance stuttered again then dropped to his knee's lowering his head, "All I ever wanted was Vengeance. That is all I ever wanted when they killed- when they," Vengeance looked back up at Joe, "they took it all away from me."  
  
"Who, Vengeance? Who took it away, tell me?"  
  
"The other's," and Maker take her if she didn't put her hand on his shoulder, but she didn't back away from him when he looked at her, his eyes pained but never said who, "took my life away from me"  
  
Joe knelt down in-front of him and took his gauntleted hand in hers. Maker it was huge when she looked at it, the black and red armour contrasting against the deep blue smoke that emanated from him. Her bone's sung feeling him in her hand's and she breathed in deep letting it wash over her, "I understand wanting Vengeance, but it's not always the best solution to a problem. Trust me on that. It's a great idea when it's truly needed, even Justice is a good idea. But it's not all there is."  
  
"Then what do you suggest, mortal?" he asked her in a less booming voice, his deep blue gaze piercing right through her, "It is all I am. I cannot be anything but what I made myself into. I have nothing else."  
  
Joe tilted her head at him and smiled, "I can't tell you to change your ideal's. But maybe you can grow and add to them."  
  
"I, do not understand."  
  
"How old are you Vengeance?" she asked him gently, taking his other huge hand in hers, "Your not as old as Justice are you?"  
  
Vengeance frowned at her and looked down at his hand's in hers, "What is the year in your world, mortal?"  
  
"The year is 9:37 Dragon, Vengeance."  
  
She watched him suck in a breath and squeezed her hand's between his gently, and Maker take her it felt good feeling his power run through her, her bone's singing in joy when he looked back at her, "7:74 Storm, was when, I became this."  
  
Joe nodded at him, and smiled again and saw beyond what he was. A man who lost everything, a man who had nothing left to give but the vengeance in his heart. She understands that, she understands the need for justice too. Orran was dying, they may have a son together but he was going to go, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Justice was nearly dead laying beside Anders prone form on the ground. She wanted vengeance on Eliam for so long and mercy from his terror he inflicted on her and Joe sucked in a shuddering breath atthat thought.  
  
She felt Vengeance clasp her hand's more before letting one go to touch her face, she didn't flinch when he ran a finger through her tear's, "You understand," he said quietly putting his hand down on his thigh, "but what else can I be then what I am? I am not, I am not Justice. We fought, constantly, because I did not understand his ideal's. The, feeling's he had were like my own... once."  
  
"Love? Loyalty? Mercy? Truth?" she was guessing right now, but she could see Vengeance mull it over when he looked sideway's away from her to Justice's form.  
  
"Yes," he finally said after a few minute's of silence looking back at her, "I, regret, doing the thing's I did, mortal. It was not my intension to do so. The mage wanted Vengeance, I gave it gladly, and I, did this to them both."  
  
"Then save his life, Vengeance. Save Justice's life. I know you can't save Orran's, no-one can, but save his."  
  
Vengeance searched her eyes, and nodded putting his hand on her face, "You are unusual, mortal. Perhaps one day, we will meet again. I can only take Justice's essence, his memories and ideal's, that will be the only way to save his legacy. I cannot bring him back as a whole. But, perhaps it will make me whole... again."  
  
Joe smiled once more at Vengeance and mouthed a 'thank you' to him when he let's her face and hand's go to stand. She watches him walk over to Justice and kneels down touching his face gently, the other spirit stirring slightly looking up at the taller spirit then himself. She didn't hear what they said, it was between them, and felt the sorrow go through her when Vengeance picked up Justice's form and carried him away into the fade.  
  
Maybe one day they would meet again. Maybe he will better himself with Justice. Maybe he will become something different, she had no idea.  
  
Joe sighed standing up from the ground then walked over to Anders, and touched his face. He was still alive, and thank the Maker for that.  
  
She muttered the word's to pull back from the fade, holding onto Anders shoulder, and jerked awake looking up at the ceiling in Orran's mansion. She barked out a laugh and a sob at the same time putting her hand's over her face. She just freed all three of them and brought two closer together, and had the most amazing talk with Vengeance. Varric wouldn't know what to do with himself when she'll tell him later.  
  
"I see all is well, Isana. Well done."  
  
Joe nodded on the floor looking up at Morrigan and barked another sobbing laugh, "I'm going to end up breaking the fade if I do that again."  
  
Morrigan chuckled and clucked her tongue helping Joe up off the floor, "Perhaps. But you freed all three of them on your own without a battle. I wonder why that is?"  
  
"Buggered if I know Morrigan. I just talked."  
  
"Indeed, child of the song. Now come, we must get this fool mage out of the circle, lest we truly do more thing's in the fade then we already have, hmm."  
  
*****  
  
Anders, was different, to say the least. Talking, laughing, joking, singing, and grinning. Maker he just didn't stop grinning when he downed the third tankard of ale in the Hanged Man.He was free, Fenris was free, Justice and Vengeance where free, but he wasn't. His sickness had gotten worse after Morrigan, her son and Shayle left two month's prior. His chest constantly hurt even with the ease from Anders. Hawke sucked in a deep breath slowly, watching Anders slosh the ale from his tankard everywhere on the table, Fenris trying to grab the thing and keeping Anders in his seat when he started singing, again.  
  
Varric rolled his eyes in his seat, shaking his head then flicking his wrist to write more in his book. Maker fuck the dwarf. Hawke may love the short shit, but writing his auto-biography was not something he wanted done. He wasn't even dead yet, but the dwarf insisted that their, exploit's be written down. Hawke barked a laugh at him for that, too many exploit's had been done through out the year's being in Kirkwall. Everyone had lost someone here, sitting around the table. Aveline lost Donnic. Varric lost Bartrand. Fenris lost his sister when Danarius killed her. Anders lost both Vengeance and Justice. He himself had almost lost his entire family, bar the two with to him. Joe giggling away throwing cheese chunk's at Anders singing, and his son on his knee giggling up at him.  
  
Mutton was around somewhere under the table, no doubt gobbling up the cheese and meat that fell on the floor.  
  
Hawke looked at the two other people at the table. Alistair and Aeden. Two men who openly married in Ferelden. Two men who where changing their country for the better, and bringing their people home after seven year's. Alistair called him brother. His brother, the fucking king of Ferelden. Wouldn't Bethany of loved that. Hawke smiled down at his son, and kissed the top of his head. His legacy. The one thing that will carry on after he was gone. He didn't feel sorrowful any more, he sort of felt free.  
  
Hawke sighed when Joe lent against his arm looking up at him, and he smiled again at her. Seven year's ago today, was when they first met. Seven year's. She healed and blossomed like the burning sun. A bright yellow flower who's petal's finally opened to embrace the world around her. Went through so much before they met, and now she sat here free. He kissed the top of her head making her blush, hiding her face against his chest, earning a laugh from around the table.  
  
"Naawww, I think it's cute."  
  
"Makers cock Alistair, you think anyone snuggling is cute."  
  
"Why did I marry you again, Cousland?"  
  
"Well, certainly not for my good looks that for sure, pike twirler."  
  
Anders grabbed Fenris' face and kissed him hard, earning more awww's from Alistair, and a scowl from the broody elf when he pushed Anders away. Fenris looked over at Hawke and nodded his head at Anders then rolled his eyes picking up his bottle of wine.  
  
"I think, it's time for a toast," Varric shouted over the top of everyone, "Everyone raise their tankard's, or in broody's case bottle. And give Hawke and Bard a rousing Happy Birthday!"  
  
Everyone sang the birthday song around the table, making baby Ali giggle and clap his hand's in joy.  
  
Another round went out at knowing each other for year's, and Varric telling everyone he's writing this shit down, whether they want it or not.  
  
Hawke looked at Anders and nodded, the mage nodded back and grinned slightly before looking away. Everything was ready and waiting to be set into motion. They wouldn't have much time when the shit hit the void. But Maker, it was going to be worth it. His Legacy, both of them, will live on after he's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dwarven Translation *DA Wiki* -  
> Isana - Singing stone AKA Lyrium.  
> Urtok - Dragon


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Terminal illness, character death.

"I will have the tower searched, from top to bottom, mage! Your harbouring blood mages under my nose."  
  
"Blood magic! Is that all you see when you look at us? When will this madness end, Knight-Commander?"  
  
"When your kind are wiped off the face of Thedas. Spreading your filth, SPREADING YOUR CANCER!"  
  
Hawke shook his head at the bickering pair, crossing his arm's over his chest to stare down at them. They all ran down the step's from his mansion when they where summoned by one of Orsino's tranquil, and this is what they came across? Hawke rolled his eyes and shook his head again.  
  
Joe had baby Alistair strapped to her back, her bow in her hand ready, a quiver on her hip in-case. Varric had Bianca out, stroking down her stock telling her to wait. Fenris paced behind them, his sword still strapped to his back. Not like he needed it. And Anders was right on cue when he walked past them all with his head held high, his black, red and gold over coat glinting in the sun, his raven feather's looked like they where ruffling when he walked. Aveline had already gone ahead and cleared a path with her guards. Thank the Maker for her.  
  
"Do not bring her grace into this!"  
  
"Her Grace, is indisposed as of the moment," Anders shouted out to the all, slamming his staff on the ground. Everyone behind him getting ready.  
  
"What is the meaning of this, mage," Meredith spat pointing her finger at him.  
  
"I'm sorry, you deaf or something. I said she's indisposed. She can't help either of you."  
  
Hawke wanted to snicker at the looks on the face's of both Templar and mage alike but kept it reigned when Anders continued to talk.  
  
"There is no compromise, because," Anders slammed his staff down again, and that was Hawke's cue to remove his from his back, "we removed the chance of it. Knight-Commander."  
  
Hawke raised his staff high before slamming it down on the ground, and grinned at Anders when the first explosion went off. And then another, and another, and then, they all watched the chantry explode high into the sky over Hightown. Hawke slammed his staff down again at the same time as Anders, both strengthening the shielding around the building's up there so no-one got hurt more then a few scrapes and bruises.  
  
Joe arched her bow and sent up the flaming arrow, signaling the guards to move out when the explosion's died down. Maker, he loved the fact she was behind all this, they they all where when the Templars went too far, when Meredith went too far. He grinned wide at her when she looked up at him, and nodded, signaling for her to go. Joe nodded and grinned back, then ran down the Lowtown step's to the dock's.  
  
"Maker have mercy."  
  
"Why, why would you do this?"  
  
"Because there can be no bloody peace between mage, Templar and the fucking chantry, Senior Enchanter. Or maybe your just too damned blind to see it," Anders snarked out putting his hand on his hip.  
  
"The Grand Cleric, dead. Countless other's, dead," Meredith pulled her sword from her back and Hawke felt it, right there and then when she waved it at them. The same foul pull as the idol, "Makers shit, she fucking had the idol crafted into a sword!" he muttered to Varric.  
  
"Oh son of a nug," Varric muttered looking at the red glow, "Now what?"  
  
"Annul the circle, kill THEM ALL," Meredith screeched waving her sword more at them, "Kill him first and then his mother and then the bitch with the baby. Kill them all."  
  
Oh Hawke's blood boiled in him when Meredith ran off towards the dock's, they had very little time now. He raised his arm's in the air pulling lightening all around him then slammed his staff down pulling it down from the sky. Anders sent out cone's of cold for both Fenris and Varric to deal with, aimed at the Templars trying to kill them. The other mages had fled with Orsino up to Hightown. Good, less that go down to the dock's the better chance they had.  
  
"Shit, we need to get down there before She catches up with Joe," Anders ground out, kicking a Templars head, "Fuck fuck fuck!"  
  
"I know. Aveline already cleared the way down there for us. Ugh, shit," Hawke coughed when smoke filled his lung's from the fake explosion's, "We need to hurry."  
  
They all set off down the step's to the dock's, Anders throwing healing into Hawke as they ran. Hawke shook his head, he didn't need it any more, there would be no point after this. Anders nodded then threw out healing to the rest of them. A flame signal went up out over the Gallows and Hawke sighed on relief looking at it when they reached the boat. They still didn't have much time when the rest of the order would swarm the Gallows killing everyone in there. He would have no chance at saving his mother, but he would damned well save as many as he could before he went down. They all would.  
  
Another signal went up, purple and Hawke cursed, "We got to fucking hurry up. Maker, we need to hurry."  
  
Everyone rowed the boat as hard as they could to get there before the madness took the place, with Joe, Alistair and Aeden in the middle of it all trying to save as many mages as they could. It was cutting it close, Maker too close, they hadn't counted on Meredith having the fucking idol sword. FUCK!  
  
They could hear fighting from within, and Hawke cursed under his breath again, they where almost too late when the boat hit the dock. Anders and Fenris bounded up the step's and stopped when Hawke and Varric followed them, "Holy fucking shit," Anders muttered out.  
  
Hawke stood beside Anders ready to kill anything that came close and dropped his staff on the ground looking at the scene playing out in-front of them all. They didn't count on any of this when they planned everything. The didn't count of the argument between Meredith and Orsino. They didn't count on her having the idol made into a sword. And they certainly didn't count on the bronze statue's joining in the fight between Templar and mage alike. The Templars keeping the statue's away from the mages trying to save the tranquil, the mages trying to aid the Templars against the statue's, and Meredith screeching madly from near the top of the building, red pulsing from her body and sword. Just like at Bartrand's mansion with the fucking golem.  
  
"Makers fucking ball's, Anders. What the fuck," Hawke blinked out looking at it all, "What the fuck do we do now?"  
  
"Er, kill the statue's, get the mages and get the fuck out of here?"  
  
"Yeah great fucking plan. One we didn't count on I might add."  
  
"Venhedis, there's Joe," Fenris pointed out near the back of the courtyard, "she pinned down."  
  
"SHIT!" Hawke grabbed his staff from the ground and winced at the pain in his chest, but fuck that, Joe and his baby where in trouble. He couldn't see the other two in the mad throng of mages and Templars trying to take down the statue's, and of course there would be some fighting each other, "FUCK!"  
  
All of them joined the mad fray, Hawke flinging as many cold snaps and lightening as he could at the bronze statue's, at the Templars trying to get at him and mages trying to slit their wrist's for help. This was madness, utter madness when he swung his staff out cutting a mage in half who came running screaming at him with blood running down her wrist.  
  
He spotted Joe being pinned down by the two winged bronze monstrosity's and several Templars, and ran as fast as he could over to her. He kept an eye on her when she pulled her string back time after time, using the arrow's in her quiver, then stopped when she couldn't feel any more. Makers breath, he wasn't going to reach her in time, there was no way when they all moved on her. His heart stopped when she looked at her hand. _'No, don't do it Joe, Maker don't!'_ , he pleaded silently.  
  
With everything he could he raised his hand's high above his head, pulling the lightening down from the sky, letting it wrap around his body, then slammed his staff down hard. Everything went into chaos with the huge bolt's coming down the sky to strike everything in range. He put his staff and hand out in-front of him and pulled back, knocking the Templars over, and held his staff steady before lifting it, letting the stone's around them encase them in it.  
  
Joe looked up at him and sighed out, aiming her bow again while she knelt, pulling back several spirit bolt's hard against her chest before she let them loose, catching everything in their path. Hawke let his hand and staff drop when she ran over to him, the lightening still hitting hard into the ground around them, and embraced each other, "Maker Joe, don't do that again," he panted out cupping her face, "I thought- Maker don't do that."  
  
"I wasn't going to. Makers breath I was waiting for the mana to come back, they all smited me hard at the same time."  
  
Hawke choked back a sob in relief pulling her with him, grabbing his staff on the way rejoining the other's trying to fend off Meredith. Hawke let Joe go so she could join Varric and Anders, while Fenris fought hard to keep Meredith away from them.  
  
He had very little mana left throwing everything he had trying to save Joe, and his chest felt like it was going to collapse in on itself. There was nothing more they could do here, other then stop the maddened woman swinging wildly with her sword at anything in-front of her. To Hawke it looked like she was using blood magic with her eyes glowing red, the red vein's going down her arm's to the sword, but he could feel the foul tug of the idol from the sword when he sent out what little cold he could at her.  
  
Fenris harassed her making her turn her back so Joe and Varric could take advantage of it, peppering her with bolt's and spirit arrow's laced with cold. Anders threw several fireball's at her, setting her hair and skin on fire, then he put his hand up pulling a phial of lyrium from his coat and chugged it down before pulling out another, throwing it over to him. Hawke caught it in his hand, and nearly dropped it when his chest spasmed again, sending him off into a coughing fit, blood spraying from his mouth when he collapsed onto the floor.  
  
"Blondie, do something!"  
  
"I'm doing my bloody best, Varric. Just keep her entertained."  
  
Anders ran over to him and tried to haul him onto his feet, height difference not mattering at this point when he dragged him out the way. He couldn't breath, he's pushed himself too hard when he fell down against the wall, nearly taking the other mage with him. Anders face was pure white trying to send healing into him, his mouth opening and closing as if trying to say something, but Hawke knew, when he put his hand over Anders taking them away from his chest. He knew.  
  
"There's no point," he wheezed out, gripping Anders hand tight in his, "It's now or never."  
  
Hawke watched Anders bite his lip hard, trying not to cry then sucked in a deep breath before nodding, "If your sure, Hawke," he whispered.  
  
"As sure as I'll ever be. Take care of her and my son, both of you take care of her and my fucking son," Hawke smiled sadly at his friend.  
  
Hawke slowly stood up, holding onto Anders and sucked in a deep raspy breath before downing the bottle of lyrium. He was ready.  
  
"Goodbye," he said one final time to his friend and flicked his hand's out to the side, coating his entire body in lightening. He slowly walked over to the middle of everything, hoping to the Maker, none of his friend's or his love and his child would be caught in what he was about to do as the lightening flickered up his arm's and leg's more. He closed his eyes letting it go through his body, sparking off him when someone got near.  
  
He walked to where the middle of the courtyard would be, and turned around slowly, his clothing starting to catch fire with the heat from the lightening around him and he smiled when he saw Joe. He smiled wide closing his eyes tilting his head upward letting his entire body engulf itself in the lightening. And then, he heard nothing, only the silent sound of peace before he thrusted his arm's out.  
  
*****  
  
Joe stood there in shock, holding Anders arm tight when Orran just burst into flame's and lightening. She knew he was going to do it, she knew he was ready when the sickness gripped him hard, but this, she wasn't ready for this.  
  
Joe choked on her own sob watching the entire courtyard explode when Orran killed himself. Her heart stopped watching when everything get pulled into the heat of it all, she ignored the screams and just watched the flame's and lightening. Anders was crying hard on her shoulder, hugging both her and Fenris close, Varric had her other arm holding it tight while they watched.  
  
And then, there was silence. It was like the world took a breath and sighed out, blowing out the flame's. And they all stood there watching, Joe's heart hammering hard in her chest, when she looked at the middle of the courtyard. Joe just stared at where Orran once stood, nothing but a black scorch mark on the ground, surrounded by lightening scorches that raced along the stone and Meredith's body coated in red, her arm's stretched up at the sky. She couldn't move, she couldn't breath, her mind went blank looking at it.  
  
"Joe," she thinks that's Anders, "we have to go."  
  
Joe shakes her head still staring and sucks in a breath when she's being pulled away. She didn't want to go when he dragged her down the step's. But she had too. They had no choice now but to leave. They should of had more time, but everything got ruined by Meredith and her madness.  
  
"Joe, come on sweetheart, we have to go."  
  
She shook her head and blinked several time's before looking at Anders, then nodded getting onto the boat to the mainland. Fenris at some point had taken baby Ali off her back and was cradling him against his chest, Varric sat there not looking at anyone. Joe rowed the boat with Anders, her mind still trying to process what actually happened, but it couldn't. She could hardly think rowing the boat.  
  
They all knew he was going to do it, but it was greater then she thought it would be. They couldn't save everyone with the madness there, they just didn't have the time with Meredith putting a huge cog in their plan's. But she knew he was going to do it. He took her phylactery with him, he destroyed it along with himself, destroying half the Gallows.  
  
Joe doesn't remember getting off the boat when she stepped into the Hanged Man, she doesn't remember sitting down at Varric's table. Joe choked back a sob when she looked down at the ring on her finger, and brushed it with her other hand feeling it hum against her. They would never grow old together now, he would never see his son grow into a man, and Joe burst into tear's.  
  
"I know sweetheart, I know," Anders muttered into her hair pulling her to his chest, rubbing his hand down her back, "We have to leave soon. Me, you, Fenris and baby bear."  
  
Joe nodded her head against Anders chest, her tear's where going to ruin his feather's, but he didn't seem to care when he kissed the top of her head. Fenris didn't seem to care when he hugged both her and Anders, baby Ali strapped to his back, "Aveline will be here shortly with Elthina."  
  
Joe snorted a sob on Anders chest and lifted her head up, "Oh I bet she's pissed with us."  
  
"Like I give a shit what Aveline thinks. The place was ugly anyway."  
  
"Amatus, really? I thought we said no to the chantry?"  
  
Joe ducked her head and grinned wiping her face, "That was my idea. I did it for Orran and Ali bear. Anders just readily agreed to it."  
  
Fenris shook his head and scowled at Joe before letting a smirk crawl up his face, "Am I going to have more problem's with you, friend. Because me and bear will not tolerate it!"  
  
"Fuck first, swears later?"  
  
"Indeed!"  
  
Anders frowned at them both, "Am I missing something here? What the fuck is fuck first, swears later?"  
  
"And that's my son, Fenris!"  
  
"Will someone please tell me-"  
  
Fenris chuckled kissing Anders on his nose, "It was while Joe was teaching me to read. It stuck after that as an inside joke. Though we can fuck later and swear first, Amatus."  
  
Aveline pushed the door to Varric's room open, pushing Elthina in before she slammed the door behind her. The Grand Cleric was shaking madly when she sat down, her hair had fallen out of her bun, sooty tear's streaked down her face. Joe narrowed her eyes at the older woman. She could of stepped in year's ago when Meredith started acting strangely, but she did nothing but prance about ignoring everything around her. Joe wanted to spit on her for not doing a thing. At least the rest of Hightown would be intact, just the chantry was gone, and the stupid statue down in the dock's, and thank the fucking Maker for that. But that was not all the grey haired woman did.  
  
"Varric is helping the ship get ready. Elthina here, is going as far as Denerim where she'll be taken to the capitol for trial," Aveline spoke gripping the Grand Cleric's shoulder hard before pulling paper's out of her pocket's, "I have made several copies of these in-case."  
  
"Hmmph, who would of thought," Anders grinned taking the official report's and damning letter's from Aveline, "that someone like you would turn out to be a murdering bitch. Blaming it all on the one person trying to fix this fucking city!"  
  
Aveline nodded and pulled Elthina to her feet, pulling a pair of shackle's from her belt putting them on the Grand Cleric's wrist's "Indeed. Brennan will be joining you take make sure she and all of you get there safely. Alistair and Aeden are already on the ship waiting for all of you."  
  
Joe nodded her head and sucked in a deep breath. Everything she and Orran wanted taken away would already be on the royal ship to go back to Ferelden, everything. There was nothing left here for her any more, for Anders or Fenris either. She looked down at the ring on her finger, and rubbed it gently, Orran had given the other to his son and sighed when she stood up when everyone else did.  
  
Fenris put his arm around her when they walked down the step's, baby Ali asleep on his back, Anders helping Aveline escort Elthina out from the tavern, boos and jeer's being thrown her way. Joe rubbed her chest feeling the ache in it when the walked through Lowtown to the dock's, it was going to hurt for a long time, but it would heal as all her other wound's have healed. She was stronger because of him, she will never forget that gift he gave her, the gift of a son, the gift of learning how to feel and love. And now, a new path was set out  in-front of them all.  
  
*****  
  
The ship rocked gently on the ocean, sail's flapping lazily in the breeze sending them forth to Denerim, back to Ferelden. The sound of the sailor's behind her going about their businesson the deck. The salt air tanging against her tongue when she watched Kirkwall vanish in the distance from the stern of the ship, watching the Gallows become a dot on the horizon.  
  
Joe sighs holding her son higher on her hip and kissed the top of his head. He was nearly twelve month's old now, but at least he got to see his father before he died, and Orran got to see him. She wondered if he was with his brother and sister where ever they maybe be, she hoped he was. His face was so peaceful when he died, when they watched him die, he didn't want to die as a husk like his father did, in bed, unable to breath.  
  
No, Joe promised herself she wouldn't cry, it's what he wanted. It wasn't what she wanted, but there was no way of saving his life, not even with aid from the fade. Joe kissed baby Ali's head again walking back to her cabin she shared with Anders and Fenris. She didn't mind and neither did they, they where all going look after each other now. Varric stayed behind in Kirkwall, it was his home. Aveline was staying behind too, she was it's Guard Captain. But neither Anders, Fenris nor herself had anything there to stay for, not after what they did.  
  
Joe pushed open the cabin door and smiled at Anders arm's around Fenris' shoulder with a book, both of them reading together. She never saw that coming between the two of them, but it made perfect sense. Fenris wrinkled his nose up when Joe closed the door then clucked his tongue when Anders pecked a kiss in his white hair. Joe shook her head and sat down at the desk in the cabin, pulling forth the letter's Orran wrote before everything happened, one for her, and one for their son when he was old enough. Though it was more of a book then a letter for him, telling him everything, letting his son know that he had a father, what kind of person he was, how much he regretted in his life, and more.  
  
"So, where are we going after we get to Denerim? I don't fancy living in the sodding palace," Anders said sitting opposite Joe.  
  
"Maker, I don't know. Alistair said we can go where ever we like as long as he can send a raven when ever he wants," Joe muttered putting the letter's away.  
  
"What about the Storm coast? Or, Crestwood?"  
  
Joe kissed baby Ali's head and hummed into his hair, "Crestwood, I think. It's a few day's travel from Orzammar and several from Denerim and not far from the Storm coast either."  
  
Anders nodded his head and smiled when Fenris sat on his lap, "Crestwood it is. I went through there a few time's with Duncan, and when I escaped the tower year's ago. Rather a nice place to live."  
  
"Oh, going to set up a farm now? Chicken's and the likes? I can deal with that, and baby bear can run round chasing them all with Mutton's."  
  
"I've, never been on a farm before. I would not know how to deal with chicken's. Or ram's," Fenris chuckled out then clucked his tongue, "but I can learn as long as I can still hit something with my sword, I will be happy."  
  
"Love, you can teach baby bear how to fight when he's old enough, and if he's a mage, well he can still learn how to hit something with a sword. Be better then a sodding staff that's for sure."  
  
Joe snorted looking over to her bow then back to the other two, "I seemed to do well without a staff."  
  
And so it was set, they would go the Crestwood and set up a home there to grow and to grow thing's around them.  
  
Freedom came at a huge cost once more, the price paid with blood and fire and loss, but it was a price that was paid willingly this time, for all of them. This was only the beginning of a new journey for all four of them, for the mages on the ship with them when they saved as many as they could. The world was going to erupt in chaos when it learns of what happened in Kirkwall, but Joe hoped they would have some semblance of peace where they were going, they all needed to heal, all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maker, anyone need any tissues? I'm so sorry. *hugs you all*


	23. Epilogue.

The fade rippled around the Gallows, spirits and demons alike watched the battle play out over and over again before them. The echo's pulling and tugging them all towards it when the veil was torn just a little more around the place.  
  
The ruby red statue of a woman sat in the middle of it all, her mouth open etched in a forever scream her hand's reaching out up into the sky. Scorch mark's on the ground behind her, denoting someone once stood there and perished taking everything out around them and the now ruined building behind.  
  
The fade was in awe watching the scene play out again, demons eager to reach through and pluck at the string's on the mages who tried to summon them but died. Spirits walking around the ruined place, staying clear of the ruby red in the middle.  
  
One spirit tilted it's head and watched the scene play out once more, it's eyes watching the movement's, remembering each and every one, etching them on it's memories, and smiled briefly when it saw the one it was looking for among it all. It walked over slowly through the echo's fighting around it and reached out with one gauntleted hand to the mortal in-front of him, it's finger's going through the echo and sighed deeply when it could not touch.  
  
The spirit that once was and now is backed away dropping it's arm to it's side and walked away back into the fade. Away from the scene playing out behind it again. It sighed once more trying to find the way back to the place it's other memories once held dear and stood before it when it came into focus. It tilted it's head looking up at the partially crumbling ruin, and walked through the wooden door's, touching them before going down the shimmering hallway.  
  
It stopped before a portrait and ran it's finger's down the face looking back at it, the one that once was, and left it behind while it walked through the great hall to the stair's that led up. It stopped by the threshold of the doorway leading to the room beyond, still intact and smiled again when it ducked and walked through.  
  
It felt right to be here, to sit here among the one that once was thing's, his memories, his feeling's and hummed slightly sitting down on the edge of the bed. It looked down at it's gauntleted hand's, then to the bed behind it. It dwarfed the thing when it laid down on it looking up at the ceiling of the room.  
  
"I thought I'd find you here," a voice said by the door, and it sat up to look at the voice.  
  
"It felt right to be here, mortal. It was his sanctum."  
  
"Which is now your's by rights. How are you fairing, Vengeance?"  
  
"I, do not know. It is confusing, but yet it feels right. I feel almost whole. But, I am not whole, am I?"  
  
Feynriel chuckled sitting down at the desk, "Only you can decide if you want to be whole. I can't do that for you, you know. And Creator's, couldn't you make yourself smaller or something?"  
  
Vengeance titled his head at the young mortal and looked down at himself, "I do not believe I can. I am, was Vengeance. Though I do not know what I am any longer."  
  
Feynriel nodded his head, looking over the spirit, "You will always be Vengeance, but you have Justice in your heart. You did the right thing."  
  
"I, suppose I did. Though, I still feel, empty. I cannot decide it that is right or not," Vengeance put his hand on his chest tapping it a few time's, "In here, empty in here."  
  
"One day, maybe you will fill it. But that's your choice to do so."  
  
Vengeance nodded and sighed once more laying back down on the bed. Some of his leg's and feet hung over the edge when he looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes remembering.   
  
And smiled when the mortals face came into view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story will continue with The Cost Of Freedom, which span's the Inquisition.  
> Thank you for joining me on this journey so far, and I hope you enjoy the next installment :)


End file.
